Dr. Rene's Parenting Answers

We are on Youtube

2011-06-18T07:10:00.000-07:00

So finally, there is a Dr. Rene on Parenting channel on youtube. We would love for you to visit, subscribe and give us some feedback! So far, it's just three clips but we hope to add more from live workshops and tours of our playspaces. Join us at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1C5ljLBysc. Thanks!

Downtime Tips

2011-06-13T10:01:00.000-07:00

The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests children need an hour of downtime a day. Downtime is truly unstructured, go play time. It can be a child with friends or siblings but it doesn't have to be, the idea is it's up to them. This is child lead play when the individual child is in charge of their own agenda. It can truly be unproductive time, a half hour spent finding shapes in passing clouds or watching the rain drops on a window. If your children aren't up to an hour a day, set this as a goal. Here are some tips to get you started:

Turn off the TVs and computers - Screentime is anti-downtime. Children who are passively viewing are still being otherwise entertained. Set family limits for screentime and respect them moving forward.
It is okay if they are bored - When children whine and complain about being bored, it often means they haven't had enough practice with downtime. They need more practice at entertaining themselves.
Avoid too many structured activities - Children who are constantly on the go to lessons, classes, clubs and playgroups may not have enough downtime. This is especially true for those having to additionally tag along to their siblings' activities. It's good practice to look at the overall family schedule, put downtime on the calendar if you have to.
Start small - If this is a new concept to your family, start with 10 to 15 minute stretches, then gradually increase the time.

Downtime provides a great opportunity for children to develop their imagination and creativity. It is a chance to build their own stories and games. Downtime also challenges different social skills than what are practiced in more structured activities.

Self-Esteem Tips - The Easy Way

2011-04-25T12:31:00.000-07:00

Go deep in their interests. If your child is excited about dinosaurs go to the dinosaur museum, get the dinosaur books, puppets and videos, learn about paleontology online, go on a fossil dig.

Share your own interests. If you are a gardener get them in the garden with you, get them a children's gardening kit. They know it's important to you and now you are sharing with them.

Play with them. Play is their number one job through six years old, join them! Don't know how? Take a wider look at play. Play includes pretend play, dress-up, arts and crafts, board games, building blocks, movement games, sing-alongs, word play, floortime and more.

Give them lots of social opportunity and coach when needed. A piece of self-esteem is feeling socially connected. Give children opportunities to develop good social and play skills often. If things aren't going well, look at why and work on it.

Keep them challenged but not overwhelmed. If your child is managing 10 piece puzzles now, think 20 piece puzzles soon. If they are reading books with 3 sentences on a page, think 6 sentences. Constantly be thinking of the next step but go just a bit harder so you don't overwhelm.

To learn more about this and other information about children's self-esteem, join Dr. Rene for an evening workshop on Self-Esteem, Wednesday May 11 from 7:00-9:00pm. To learn more and =register, please visit http://www.eventbrite.com/org/283710166?s=1328924.

Calm Tips

2011-04-21T08:53:00.000-07:00

There are two main ideas for how to manage tantrums once they start. Both ideas start with, "Stay calm yourself." I know, this can take a whole lot of self-control. It can be difficult to stay calm when your child is losing it. Part of it is recognizing that losing it yourself likely just adds fuel to the fire, takes the tantrum up a notch. The other part is realizing what your child needs most in these moments is someone who is calm, who is safe to connect to, who is modeling calm emotions especially when all else feels out of control.

There are so many ways to stay calm. Of course, not every way works for every parent, so I am including calm tips in our emails often this year. Here are a few more ideas that may be helpful in tantrums as well as other times you need to stay calm.

Learn about child development. It can be calming to know that saying 'no' all day long and doing the opposite of what is requested are common two year old behaviors. It can be calming to know that five and six year olds are often driven by a sense of fairness and hearing "That's not fair!" is par for the course. There are a few good series on development including Touchpoint: Birth to Three and Three to Six by Brazelton and Your One Year Old thru Your Nine Year Old by Ames.

Shift your thinking to view the benefits of the negative behaviors. Every time your child is aggressive, think of it as an opportunity to teach them better ways to express anger and how to use their words. When your child has a tantrum, think of it as a chance for them to pratice calming, an opportunity to teach emotion language.

Assume changing behaviors and learning new behaviors takes time. If you assume potty training will be a two day process, you may be frustrated when it takes two weeks. If you assume it will take a few months, than you are pleasantly surprised at the two week mark.

To learn more ways to calm, join Dr. Rene for our two evening session on Calm Parenting. The next workshop series is offered on June 2 AND 9 from 7:00-9:00pm. For more information and to register, please visit http://www.eventbrite.com/org/283710166?s=1328924.

Tantrum Tips

2011-04-20T08:47:00.001-07:00

If your child tantrums, it can be helpful to recognize your child's triggers. Triggers are the things that set your child off, that tend to start the tantrums. Once you identify triggers, you can work harder to avoid tantrums when the triggers happen. You can also avoid some triggers and teach children how to better manage when they can't be avoided. Triggers tend to fall into three categories:

Situational triggers are triggers like the child tantrums when they are hungry or when they are tired. These are on you, fix these things. If they tantrum when they are hungry, carry crackers in your bag or plan to feed them small meals throughout the day rather than waiting longer between three larger meals.

Social triggers include things like tantruming over having to share toys or over being told "no." The idea for social triggers is children need to learn to both avoid these when they can and manage them when they can't. Learning to manage and calm can take children a long time and a lot of practice.

Parents' stress level can be another trigger. When parents are particularly stressed, children tend to tantrum more often. It may be they are reflecting the emotional tone in the house. It may be that, because you are stressed, they are having to get bigger and louder to get your attention.

Sibling Tips

2011-04-19T06:24:00.000-07:00

If you are working to improve sibling relationships, it is suggested that you take the pressure off the individual relationship. Rather than saying "You will love your sister," "Your brother is going to be your best friend for life," or "We are a family of love," which puts tremendous pressure on the individual relationship, focus on teaching them how to treat people in general. Teach children play skills, encourage a sense of empathy, teach them emotion language and to listen to others when they speak. The idea is to teach them social skills and allow that to trickle down to their individual relationship.
It is often beneficial to allow for the expression of negative emotions between siblings. When children are allowed to express negative emotions, they can move forward from the situation. When emotions are denied or negated, children have to dig in their heels. They have to get bigger and louder about the feelings or bottle it up and it comes out in other ways. Accept and validate the emotions, help them to express emotions in constructive ways so they can move on.

Mealtime Tips

2011-04-11T11:01:00.000-07:00

There are several guidelines to encourage healthy eating habits while avoiding pickyness traps. The overarching guideline is parents are in charge of what is offered, children are in charge of what and how much of that they eat. Following this, parents are to provide a healthy, wide range of choices for breakfast, lunch, sdinner and snacks, thats it. Once the food is provided it is up to the child to determine what and how much of that they eat as long as its available. If you are concerned they will only fill up on fruit, you are in charge of how often that is offered so you offer fruit a little less often and everything else more often and in a wider range of ways. You might also have smaller portions of fruit - meaning that is all there is of that food but they are welcome to all else that is still available. If you are concerned they will never eat another vegetable, offere a wider range of vegetables in a wider range of ways. Make a vegetable omelete for breakfast and a vegetable tray for snack and a roast vegetable pizza for lunch. I am fine with hiding ingredients, encourage children participating in the food process and making it fun. All of this likely helpful. Go as wide as you can with the foods that are available. Continue to offer new tasts and new textures. Avoid looking at children's nutrition meal to meal, it will make you nuts. Rather, look at it week to week or better, month to month.

Calm Parenting Tips

2011-04-05T10:27:00.000-07:00

A few good resources about Calm Parenting:

Peaceful Parents, Peaceful Kids: Practical Ways to Create a Calm and Happy Home by Drew

Screamfree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool by Runkel

7 Habits of Highly Effective Families by Covey

The DVD serives Celebrate Calm by Martin

Getting to Calm: Cool Headed Strategies for Parenting Tweens and Teensby Kastner and Wyatt

In the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, Covey presents the benefits of thinking about the individual relationships you have with family members as an Emotional Bank Account. In my home, I would have three accounts, one for each child and one with my husband. In this account deposits include things like speaking nicely to each other, speaking nicely about each other, spending time together or helping with a task. Withdraws include things like arguing, snide remarks, talking negatively aobut each other or being late for something important to them. The idea is to keep the balance overwhelmingly positive. It needs to be far more positive becaues the relationship will face challenges and upsets and the positives need to be able to absorb the negatives. Think about each account in the last 24 hours. Ask yourself if there was a positive balance. Keep a running tally moving forward.

Planning Summer Travel Tips

2011-04-04T10:32:00.000-07:00

Summer travel is coming up and if your trips are big, it may be time to start planning. As early as three years old, there can be benefits in including children in the planning process. Here are some ideas to get you started:

Find child friendly outings near your destination spots. Whether you are headed to the beach or the theme park, look for area museums, zoos and aquariums. You may need a break from the planned activity or find yourself with a rainy day. Last summer we had a rainy day and found a two hour scenic trainride through the countryside.

If traveling by car, find child friendly outings along the way. Especially for long trips, it can be helpful to plan real breaks. Stop and take in a picnic at a playground or walk through a museum. Bring physical activities like balls and jump ropes for shorter stops.

Set aside a bag to collect brochures, menus, tickets, receipts and other memorabilia from the trip. Some of this can add to the scrap book with photos, the rest is just fun to collect.

For the destination itself, visit websites in the months before and encourage your children to explore and plan their time. Before our trip to Disney, our children each picked a restaurant and a show they wanted during our time in the park.

If possible, check out books about the destination. Learn about the history, culture and food of the area with your children.

If you've made this trip before, talk with your children often about the last trip. Talk about their favorite times and what they hope to do again. If available, review the photos

If traveling by car, start collecting a bag of travel toys. This can be small new things or things they haven't seen in a while. In our bag we carry woodkins, magnet board games, colorwonder markers and paper, a few polly pockets and matchbox cars, travel bingo and lacing cards.

Choosing Preschools

2011-02-02T20:32:00.001-08:00

Here are a few tips to keep in mind as you consider your options for preschool.

Attend every open house that you are remotely interested in - This is the best way to get a feel for the school and the staff. At open houses there may be a presentation about the philosophy of the school, a chance to meet current families and a tour to view classrooms. I think it would be very difficult to make decisions without this piece. Take advantage of any options that are provided. Some schools give private tours or offer families that are happy to speak about the programs by phone. You want as much information as possible.
Compare the schools you are interested in by brochures and websites - The reason is that this if often the school's best food forward. This should provide a summary of their philosophy and highlights of their programs. Brochures have been well edited, the language poured over. Brochures and websites should feel like a good fit with your family.
Speak with current families - You can often ask for a list from the school but you might also just ask around on the local playgrounds or ask for families on listserves like dcurbanmoms.com. When you do connect with families ask them for the high and low points, ask about parent-teacher communication and any difficulties they experienced. You are looking for well-rounded feedback.
Apply to a few more than you think necessary - It is still the case each year that there are children who end up not getting into preschool. Have a back-up plan or two.
Learn about and consider various approaches - There are big differences between Reggio Emilia, Waldorf, Montessori, Play-based, Hi-Scope, Cooperative and Religious based programs. Find out about these and weigh your options.

Teach Social Skills

2011-01-31T20:23:00.000-08:00

When parents see their children struggling socially, many are tempted to explain and lecture the child on better ways. Unfortunately long lectures tend to fall on deaf ears. There are many ways to go about teaching social skills.

Use art projects - Teach turn taking by passing coloring papers between children. Teach sharing by offering one glue bottle to three children for a project. Highlight the social skill in conversation while they color. Fine to comment on any frustration, talk about it and brainstorm solutions to lessen the upsets.
Read story books - There are so many good books about emotions and social exchange. The Berenstain Bears series offers books about sharing, bossiness and teasing. Hooway for Wodney Wat! covers bossiness and teasing, Timothy goes to School deals with social competition. My Many Colored Days and Today I Feel Silly teach about emotions. Don't just read the books, dive into conversation. Ask them what they think about the stories, talk about similar things they've experienced.
Play movement games - Simon Says, Wigglelow and Hullabaloo all teach listening skills. Three-legged races teach cooperative efforts.
Role play - Re-enact situations similar to those that are a struggle. Encourage children to play each role so they can think about the struggle from others' perspectives.
Puppet shows - If children aren't comfortable with role playing themselves, bring out the puppets or the dollbabies. Children may be more open to this play as it is removed from them, more pretend.
Ask hypotheticals - We call this the "What if" game. Ask children a wide variety of what ifs based on their own social situations. Brainstorm many possible answers and outcomes for each scenario.
Give opportunities for play - All the teaching in the world won't do much good if children don't have opportunities to practice themselves. Invite friends over, meet at the playground, plan outings or join playgroups. Children who struggle with social skills need more practice, not less!

Family Time

2011-01-29T10:15:00.000-08:00

Believe me, I know that finding enough time for work, errands, school and family can seem near impossible. Unfortunately, I also know that family time tends to fall at the bottom of the list. The other things on the list often have hard deadlines so we meet them first and hope the rest falls into place. We let family time fill in the gaps. Making family time needs to move to the top of the list. Put it on the calendar if you have to.

Whole Family Time - At least once a week. This can be a set-in-stone weekly dinner cooked together, a game night, a Sunday afternoon activity time.
Couples Time - At least every other week. If you are parenting as a couple, find a time to focus on each other. It can be a movie night or dinner out, again doesn't have to be grand, just time and regular.
Individual Pairs Time - At least once a month. Make time for each pair in the family to spend some time together. This can be at the playground or tossing a ball in the backyard. It can be watching a program together and talking about it or a trip to the grocery store if you are really focused on each other and communicating.
Rituals and Routines - This can be a helpful approach to building in time. Plan a real playtime each morning, a time that you will put away the cell phone and turn off the TV and really play. Keep reading aloud as part of the bedtime routine long passed the age you thought they would listen.

Of course, more is better but these are minimum goals.

Bedtimes

2011-01-27T16:15:00.001-08:00

There are a few daily routines that unite us all as parents. Those times of the day we all face include bathtimes, mealtimes and bedtime routines. While it may go well for some on most days, others barely struggle through. Here are a few of our tips to help settle the bedtime routines.

Same time, same order, same place every night - It can be helpful to children to have a strong sense of routine around bedtimes. If the process is consistent, over time it can help children settle and be more ready for sleep by the end. In our house it has been bath, jammies, teeth, story, bed for years. At bath they know sleep is about an hour away. At story they know it is 10 minutes away.
Minimum 20 minutes, maximum an hour - If bedtime routines are shorter, children may not have enough time to transition. Longer and they may lose focus.
Finish in their rooms - Avoid finishing the routine in the living room or your room and then carting them off to bed. Better for children to have time to acclimate to their bedroom. Their bedroom should be part of their sleep association.
If sleep issues, avoid TV and rough house play in the last 2 hours - If children struggle to fall or stay asleep, avoid both TV and rough house in the last 2 hours before bed. These activities can be too stimulating for good sleep to follow.

Kindergarten Readiness Tips

2011-01-26T18:02:00.000-08:00

A few general guidelines:

The National PTA suggests considering 5 questions for kindergarten readiness.

How mature is your child?
What does the pediatrician or preschool teacher say?
Are they motivated to learn?
Are they big or small for their age?
What do other families in your community do?

I tend to add:

Is there a delay or disorder that may be benefitted from time?
Do you have the sense they may end up repeating a later grade?

None of these questions should be considered alone. Look at the whole child and daily functioning. If you are deciding to wait a year, plan for making the most of that time.

Things to incorporate the year before Kindergarten (if not already):

Remember that reading aloud to children is cited as the single most important factor in making successful readers.
Build social skills and give opportunities for repeated play with the same children.
More downtime, less screentime. Learn the guidelines given by the American Academy of Pediatrics or by Zero to Three about screentime and decide for your family some healthy boundaries. Give children time to learn to entertain themselves.
Build challenges in play. Challenge them to build taller with blocks, complete puzzles faster, to tackle tasks together.
Build attention span. Read increasingly longer stories, play increasingly harder games and more difficult puzzles.

Calm Parenting

2011-01-25T13:02:00.000-08:00

If you didn't make a New Year's Resolution this year, you can share mine. This year I resolve to be a calm parent, to be a calm wife, to respond rather than react to upsets within my family at every turn. Wow, that is a big one! And I know, it is going to take work. To help myself, and hopefully help you, I am going to include tips on calm parenting and calm relationships throughout the year.

The first thing to consider is the difference between reacting and responding to others. When there is an upset reacting means acting on impulse, without thought. It is what happens before we consider our better options. Know that you can do better. Every upset gives you an opportunity to step back, to stop and think, to consider your options and plan a response. If you can slow yourself down and know that your response to an upset is fully within your control, you can avoid the knee-jerk reactions.

Separation Issues Question

2010-11-18T10:53:00.000-08:00

Parent Question: I have 2 1/2 year old twins who are experiencing separation issues. One has separation anxiety from me during the day and the other one at night (meaning he wants me to hold, rock, or sleep with all night long). It started a few weeks ago and each subsequent night has gotten worse. My other twin has had separation issues since he was a baby, but now he is able to sleep alone and stays asleep. I would love to start to leave them at the gym day care for about an hour while I work out, but it has not been going well. I have tried multiple times, but the child with daytime separation gets very upset, crys, shakes, and gets physical with the childcare provider. I tried a bigger gym with more activity in the child care room. Do you have any tips to help them? They are scheduled to attend preschool next fall, but until then they are at home with me.

Answer: The unfortunate thing with anxiety issues is that the children need to have experience working through it and being fine on the other side of it for the anxiety to lessen. The more you stay with them through the night or pull them from childcare, the more they feel that its a scary thing and they do need you there. I am not saying bail on them and let them be miserable, but I am saying don't give up on the idea and learn to help them through it. If you do have a sitter or relative that they stay with well, give them more regular experience there. There is a free 1/3 hour on seperation at http://www.parentsperspective.org/, search for Hackney. There is also our full hour on http://www.askdrrene.com/. There is also a good brochure called Separation by the NAEYC.
For sleep, there are check-in methods (Mindell) and gradual move-out methods (Brazelton) that may be helpful there. Both are sending the message, bed is where they belong and it is a good, safe place to be. The books are Sleeping Through the Night by Mindell or Sleep the Brazelton way.
Sincerely, Dr. Rene

Mealtime Question

2010-11-10T09:45:00.000-08:00

Parent Question: My 4 year old child is not eating for me at the table. He wants both my husband and I to help him eat and is very fussy; won't try mashed potatoes or anything. It's a constant battle as he wants toys at the table when eating, like something to keep him occupied rather than eating. He does eat pasta and fishsticks but we sometimes have to literally feed him so it gets eaten. I know this is a bad habit, but it's awful getting him to eat much of anything. It's become such a constant battle that I now hate mealtimes. Please help!

Answer: There are so many answers to this one. I am going to give a few guidelines and point you in the direction of a great book for more. The book is "How to Get Your Kid to Eat But Not Too Much" by Ellyn Satter. She wrote another book and there is also a book by Elbrit, but I like this one.
Guidelines: Parents are in charge of what is offered, children are in charge of what and how much of that they eat. Control what is offered; once it is on the table let him pick and choose. If he fills up on fruit and wants more, ok, you offered it. If that is all he will eat, offer it less often and other things more. Go as wide as you can. Put in those 'only foods' once a month so he can't rely on them. The idea is to let go of the battle. You don't want to be battling over food intake once it is on the table. Lessen the emotion; emotion fuels power struggles.
That is the short answer for a long question. We do have a two-hour workshop on managing mealtimes that includes all this on pickyness. The books I mentioned are also very good.

Nap Time Question

2010-11-09T13:10:00.000-08:00

Parent Question: My 3 3/4 year old doesn't want to nap. It takes her time to fall asleep when she does nap, both at bed time and naptime. When she does nap, I would say that on a 24 hour period, she sleeps 10-12 hours. How much sleep should she be getting in a 24 hour period? How long should her naps be at this age and moving forward? Any suggestions for those days (especially with the holidays around the corner) when she stays up late at night and still wakes up early the next day? Thank you!

Answer: 10-12 hours in the 24 hour cycle is the goal now thru late elementary school. Significantly less than 10 can be problematic. 8 is a low minimum. If it were my house, we would be transitioning to 'quiet time.' An hour everyday of play quietly in your bed which you respect like a nap - same time, same length everyday. You can say, "You don't have to sleep, just stay in bed and stay quiet." I would give a quiet activity or book after the first 20 mins or so. If you provide this religiously the idea is they are still resting and if they need to should fall asleep. If she naps, think 60 to 90 minutes, which is probably plenty. Don't want it to vary widely from day to day. On really crazy holiday days, plan quiet breaks in the day. Maybe spend 30 minutes in the afternoon snuggling and reading a chapter book or time listening to quiet music.
Sincerely, Dr. Rene

Pacifier Question

2010-11-04T12:12:00.000-07:00

Parent Question: My 3 1/2 year old 'left' her pacifier at her grandparents and it can't be found. She uses it to sleep. Going to bed and in the morning when she wakes up seem to be the hardest for her. How can we reassure her that she doesn't need it? How can we help her and encourage her along the way?
It has been about three weeks since she stopped using it. Since then, she's had a constant need to be held and has been digressing to baby behavior. When I leave for work, she tells me not to go to work because she wants me to stay home with her. She has been super sensitive... I am thinking all of this is normal and part of the process. But wonder if there is anything else I could be doing to help her? At what point should I be concerned and think this is past normal transition time?

Answer: Lots of empathy: "I know this is hard. I see you are sad, you miss your pacifier." Lots of hugs and downtime. Offer her activities she likes during the hardest parts of the day - if she likes to play dolls offer to play first thing in the morning and let her sleep with one at night. Maybe read an extra story or sing an extra song at bedtime. It can take a few weeks to build new sleep associations and to let go of a comfort object. Maybe take her out and let her pick a new stuffed animal or soft pillow to sleep with.
A guideline for life stressors is +/- 6 to 8 weeks for young children. That is usually referring to something like a new baby in the house which seems a bit bigger than this, BUT it may be just that big a deal to her. I would only talk about it (and openly talk about it then) when she brings it up. Otherwise I would stay mum to not remind her. When she does bring it up, express a bit of empathy, a hug and move on. Try not to wallow. The 'super sensitive' is par for the course. Regression is also a common response to stressor. Again, think downtime everyday. Relaxed playtime where she decides what to do. Keep bedtime routines intact and respect sleep! Children who are stressed are far worse when they are tired. Try to maintain normal schedules. I hope this helps!
Dr. Rene

Tips on the Steps of Positive Discipline

2010-11-03T09:21:00.000-07:00

When you come into a discipline situation, there is a well recognized, often written about series of positive discipline techniques available to help you manage. These steps work together to provide a framework for addressing emotions, offering alternatives and curbing behaviors. The only trick is you have to learn them, practice them and use them in effective ways.

These steps include I messages and empathy to manage emotions, positive intent to better view behaviors, choices to teach and consequences when all else fails. I messages, empathy and positive intent are foundation skills, things to think about as you enter in. They are ways to open communication, to validate the child and encourage them to listen to the rest of the process. Choices are ways to gain compliance without the use of consequences, these work because they share power. Consequences include natural - what just might happen, logical negative - if the bad behavior it's the bad outcome, and logical positive - if the good behavior it's the good outcome.

I messages - I messages label your emotions and blame the behavior, not the child. For example, "I am angry, my lamp is broken," rather than, "I am angry with you, you broke my lamp." "I am frustrated, no one is listening," rather than, "I am frustrated, you never listen."

Empathy - Empathy validates the child's emotions even if you disagree. This sounds like, "Wow! You are angry. You really wanted to win that game," or "I know you are sad, it is hard to be left out."

Positive Intent - Positive intent assumes good reasons even behind bad behaviors. Let's say you call children for snack and they are hustling to get ahead of each other coming up the stairs, someone gets knocked over and falls down. Negative intent might be, "You all are so careless, look you hurt her." Positive intent might be, "I know you were excited about snack." You can follow this with a limit, "The stairs are dangerous, come up carefully," choices, "Do you want to hold hands or come up one at a time slowly," or a consequence, "Since that happened, snack is later."

Choices - Choices offer two positives for the child about how, when, or where to do a behavior. Getting homework done might sounds like, "Do you want to start with reading or math," or "Do you want to do it before snack or after," or "Do you want to work at your bedroom desk or the kitchen table?"

Consequences - Consequences can be natural, "If you don't wear a sweatshirt, you might be cold," logical positive, "If you get it on quickly, we can have more time to play," or logical negaitve, "The longer it takes, the less time we'll have to play."

You can join us online at http://www.askdrrene.com/ to view a three hour workshop on these steps or listen to a two hour review session. You can also join us for our Positive Discipline workshops in Falls Church or Alexandira by visiting http://www.eventbrite.com/org/283710166?s=1328924.

'Playful' Hitting Question

2010-10-29T09:02:00.000-07:00

Parent Question: How do I teach my 20 month old daughter not to 'playfully' hit my face when I'm holding her sometimes? I tell her no hitting and be gentle with mommy but she just finds it funny so I end up putting her down.

Answer: I would say in a firmer voice than usual and with a straight face, "That hurts" and put her down the first time and each time. Don't wait until the second hit or attempt. Later in the day I would coach how we touch people and practice being gentle. When she does touch nicely, gush a bit. Say "Wow, that was so nice. You touched me in a gentle way!" She is young for much more.
I hope this helps! Dr. Rene

Question about Child's Sleep

2010-10-28T10:30:00.001-07:00

Parent Question: I have a three year old who goes to bed at 7:30pm, and while he sleeps through the night, he wakes up at 4:30 am and will not go back to sleep. He goes to sleep on his own at night. I have him go back to bed, even if he is awake, and he will generally stay in his room, quiet, for about 45 minutes. He is a mess all morning until his nap. This has been going on for about 9 months. Please advise.

Answer: You are doing the first few things I would suggest, having him fall asleep on his own and having a consistent time. It is good to have him spend quiet time in his room rather than going ahead and getting him up. You might try shifting the bedtime back. Doing this is just 15 minutes a week so this week it would move to 7:45pm, the next week 8:00pm. You may not earn the extra time early in the week but later in each week or the following you may start to get a later wake time. You might also check if it is light or noise and try blackout blinds or a white noise machine. You might also (and I know this one sounds scary) put him to bed like usual and wake him a bit a few hours in. Meaning, at 10:00pm or so rouse him, just enough to be awake and help him back to sleep. I have heard this is successful in many families in getting kids to sleep a bit longer in the mornings. Scary because you could just end up with a child who had a 2 1/2 hour nap and is ready to go. But this is supposed to 'reset' their sleep schedule and buy you some time. Likely worth trying for a few nights to see if it works. You might also push back his morning nap. Meaning if he naps at 11:45am, push it back to 12:00noon for a week and 12:15pm for a week. I know this is difficult as he is miserable from being up early but if you shift the bedtime and nap later it may help. By 3 years old, nap should also be in the 1 1/2 hour range; if it is significantly longer it could be interfering with the nighttime sleep.
Sincerely, Dr. Rene

Potty Training Question

2010-10-27T10:32:00.000-07:00

Parent Question: By this point, my child has the hang of peeing in the potty. She still sometimes goes in her pull-up but more so on the toilet. We're continuing to have two issues I'm hoping you can advise on:
1) Very rarely does she ask to go to the potty. She's not good at vocalizing her need to go. Does this come with more practice and maturity or is there something I can do to help get her to realize she needs to go and then tell us (before the fact)?
2) She has only pooped in the potty a few times since we started potty training in the beginning of September. Most of the time, she goes in her pull-up. Any advice?

Answer: For both issues I would start with the language of ownership. For the first concern something like, "Do you know that feeling in your tummy/that pressure in your tummy when you need to pee? You are the only one in the whole wide world who knows when you feel that. It is your job to tell me when you need to pee." or "Let me know when you need to pee. Remember I can't do that for you." For the second concert, "You are so potty trained for peepee! I know when you are ready, you will put your poop in the potty too." I know this language can feel awkward and it is supposed to be delivered in an upbeat (no discipline) way. Also not around accidents or on the potty as it can feel like discipline. More a peptalk as you are tucking her in or while driving home from preschool, out of the blue.
Yes, the first concern should also settle with age and practice.
Have her at least be in the bathroom for the second concern. "The place to be when you need to poop is in the bathroom. I know you're not ready to sit on the potty for that, but everyone poops in the bathroom." Don't force this, just encourage. If she is willing to do that you might have her sit (starting with pullup on and even dressed) on the potty.
I know this can be a long process.

Building Confidence

2010-10-13T11:49:00.000-07:00

Provide challenges in play - Challenges in play give children practice at rising to the occassion, at testing their skills and trying new things. When they are building with blocks, challenge them to build taller. When they are working on mazes, challenge them to go faster. The more opportunity to meet new goals, the more confident they become to try the next.
Support them just enough - When children struggle, give hints and suggestions rather than outright answers. Try to give them just enough to get back on track and moving forward. Avoid doing fully for them.
The goal is often independence - When you are working through with children, focus on teaching them about your thought process and decision making. Encourage them to step back, brainstorm, try new avenues to problem solve. The goal of helping children with a task is increased independence the next go around.
Check social skills - Children who struggle socially are at a disadvantage for many other tasks. It is hard to concentrate on soccer skills if you are worried you are not accepted by teammates. It is hard to focus on second grade math if you just had a miserable time at recess. Keep social skills in check.
Focus on skill building not competition - Especially under 6 years old (likely thru 8) athletics are about learning the basics of a sport. About learning to throw and catch and the vocabulary of the game. Focus on skills building long before a focus on competition.
I messages not You messages in discipline - I messages target behavior, You messages target the child. Shift from blaming child to blaming behavior. Say "I am frustrated, no one is listening," rather than, "I am frustrated with you, you never listen." First child feels badly about the not listening, second badly about self.
Descriptive not evaluative praise - In praise focus on the behavior as well. Describe the behavior and label it. Say something like, "You practiced that song all week and learned every note," or, "You remembered they were waiting for a turn, how kind." Avoid "good job," "good boy," "that was great," "I like the way you," as it is evaluative. There are a few good examples of this difference at http://www.monkeysee.com/play/4189-what-are-some-examples-of-each-type-of-praise.

Positive Discipline

2010-09-26T15:46:00.000-07:00

Here are a few FAQs about Positive Discipline language.

Does the positive discipline approach include Time-Out or 1-2-3 Magic? While I include both of these techniques in our Positive Discipline workshops, most do not catagorize these techniques as positive discipline. Both time-out and 1-2-3 magic along with reward systems and schedules are considered behavior modification tools. They are a more narrow and defined approach. I include them in our programs because if parents are choosing to use them, I want them to use them well. I want parents to know what all the pitfalls are and what is considered best practice.
What do I do when choices don't work? Offering choices is an important piece of the positive discipline approach but there are several ways they don't work. Some children just won't choose or they choose one and then argue for the other or they do choose but won't follow thru. When choices fail, you can choose for the child given a warning, you can slow down and walk them thru the pros and cons of each option, you can allow them a third option if they offer or you can move on to consequences. The idea is be flexible in the choices you give, be creative so it's not the same choices everytime.
What if I use empathy and my child gets more upset? When you first start using empahty the flood gates may open. You may get a child who shoes greater upset because they feel someone is finally listening. This is common and should be worked thru. Other children just don't like empathy. They don't want you labeling their emotions. If that is the case you can try 'story telling', talk about a time when you felt that way or when someone else had a similar experiences. You are still understanding without focusing so heavily on their emotion. You might also try 'wants and wishes' which is talking about what the child wanted or wished would have happened rather than how they are feeling.
It it okay if it is just one parent using this approach, not both? Clearly it is beneficial if both parents are on the same page and sharing a similar approach. That said, one parent using positive discipline is better than neither. Hopefully the second will see the benefits over time. It may be helpful for that parent to read a book or take a workshop so the push towards positive discipline isn't coming from you but from an outside source. If there are real differences (unless it is abusive) still work to support each other rather than undermine in moments of discipline.
Positive Intent doesn't feel natural, do I have to use each step? I know I messages, empathy and positive intent may feel unnatural to some people. It may not be the language you grew up with. It may feel like we are letting children off the hook when really we are laying foundation for the hook of discipline. In any case, no, I don't think the positive discipline approach is made on any particular skills. There are so many techniques available that parents should be able to work around one or two.
How can I learn more about this approach? There are good books: Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Bailey, Positive Discipline by Nelson, The Discipline Book by Sears & Sears to name a few. There are many good places to find workshops. In the DC/VA/MD are this includeds PEP (Parents Encouragement Program), SCAN (Stop Child Abuse Now, which offers classes in English and Spanish) and JSSA (Jewish Social Services Agency). Of course, you can always join our programs or use our workbook.

Managing Homework

2010-09-13T09:42:00.000-07:00

As school starts back each year, many families struggle over how and when to schedule homework. Here are a few tips:

Let your child help set the schedule - Think about and discuss the child's needs first. Does your child need a few minutes to unwind and have a snack just after school or are they the type who want to jump right in and get it done before relaxing? Does your child work best in one long stretch or would it be best to break the homework time into sessions? Do they prefer to get the hard work out of the way first or knock the easier things off the list and then buckle down? The idea here is the more choices the child has, the greater their sense of control and they may be more willing to get to work.
Consider other pieces of the schedule and mark it on the calendar - Of course, many children work homework around soccer practice and piano lessons. If you have a busy family schedule, it may be best to sit and actually put homework time on the calendar each week.
Fully stock their homework area - Before they sit for their first homework session, be sure they have everything they will need. This varies by grade but at a minimum have sharpened pencils, erasers, and lined paper. Older children may need erasable pens, graph paper, and a calculator. If things are readily available it is one less reason to procrastinate.
Two notes on homework area - Be sure their space is well lit. Unless it is just reading, strive to have them seated at a desk or table. I get children laying across the sofa or sprawled out on the floor for reading time, but if there is writing involved, encourage them to get up off the floor and seated.
Take a minute to consider what all needs to be done - If there are several tasks, help children make a check list. Just a few tasks, help them to put things in order.
Start early teaching them to study and review - By second grade children should be thinking about reviewing previous work and studying for tests. This is a few minutes additional to their homework time and done regularly, not just the night before a test.

If you want to learn more, join Dr. Rene for a night on Managing Homework & Building Academic Motivation. This is happening Thursday, September 30th from 7:00-9:00pm at our Alexandria location. For more information and to register, please visit http://www.eventbrite.com/org/283710166?s=1328924.

Labels for Good Behavior

2010-09-10T05:35:00.001-07:00

In many of our workshops, we highlight the differences between using evaluative v. descriptive praise. This includes the benefits of being descriptive. Being descriptive is describing a child's behavior and giving it a label. You might say, "You handed a block, that was helpful." or "You waited while mommy was speaking, that was patient."

In class last night someone asked for a list of descriptors. I think these descriptors are any positive traits, ways you would hope to be able to describe your child. Here is a starter list, I am sure there are many other. Please comment and add more!

thoughtful, kind, nice, helpful, friendly, gracious, cooperative, honest, straightforward, compassionate, brave, courageous, humble, caring, gentle, considerate, loving, enthusiastic, patient, generous, polite, useful, punctual, creative, witty, funny, fun, entertaining, sharp, quick, hard working (a hard worker), smart, persistent, neat, practical, clear, organized, careful, attentive, focused, diligent, thorough, detailed, flexible, perceptive, a good listener, good sister, good friend, good sharer, good turn-taker, good listener, good rememberer

Depending on their age, children may not know what all these terms mean but the more you use them in context, the more you are teaching them the words.

Competition and Being First

2010-09-07T07:11:00.000-07:00

Do your children struggle with winning and losing in play?

Are they crushed when they can't be the first or the best at something?

Here are some tips to help you calm the competition.

Coach your child on how to be a good winner and a good loser - Being a good winner includes congratulating the other players, celebrating in ways that consider others and encouraging more play. Being a good loser includes congratulating the winner, expressing disappointment in comfortable ways and continuing to participate as appropriate. Teaching this can take a great deal of time and effort.
Even if it is really difficult, don't avoid playing - Children who struggle with competition need more practice, not less.
Start small with competition - If your child has difficulty with winning and losing, it may be best to start small. It may be easier to manage emotions with a game like tic-tac-toe or Hullabaloo that takes a minute to play rather than a game like Candyland that requires a 20 minute investment.
Focus on cooperative efforts - For children who need to be the first or the best, offer cooperative activities more often. Think a movie rather than a board game or a relay to beat the clock rather than a race against each other.
Play cooperative games - Snail's Pace Race, Colorama and Caterpillar Crawl all by Ravensburger are fun cooperative board games. You can make Candyland a cooperative effort by all being the blue guy and seeing how fast everyone working together can get him to the castle. Everybody Wins! by Sobel offers hundreds of non-competitive play ideas.
Read about it - Good books include The Mightiest by Kasza, Winners Never Quit and Go for the Goal: A Champions Guide to Winning in Soccer and in Life both by Mia Hamm, Timothy Goes to School by Wells and Competition: Deal with It by Messier.

Children can join our Competition Boot Camp - Sat. Oct. 9th: http://www.eventbrite.com/event/842837051

Sibling Discipline

2010-09-02T12:13:00.000-07:00

During our workshops on Siblings, we often get questions about discipline. During out workshops on Discipline, we often get questions about siblings. If you have more than one child, you know, these topics often overlap. I am going to provide answers here to some of those FAQs.

Praise Individually - When you praise a child be sure that you are speaking to them directly, not trying to impact their sibling's behavior. This means you don't say, "Johnney, you cleaned your room! It always looks so nice in your room." and then glare at his sister hoping she will hear and clean her's. When you give a child praise, your intent should be clean. You should be praising for something you noticed NOT to impact their siblings.
Discipline Individually - I know this is sometimes unavoidable but as a parent avoid it when you can. This means if just Johnney is misbehaving at the playground try to find consequences other than having to leave the playground which would negatively impact his well behaved siblings.
Avoid Asking "Who had it first?" and "Who started it?" - You are likely going to get two very different versions of the same story and it often leaves you in just as unsure a place as you were before. You may also end up erring on the side of the one with the better verbal skills or louder crying. Worse yet, you may be encouraging them to lie. The answer is to instead, state what you know, "I see you are struggling and both want that doll," then move forward together.
Fair is Not Equal, Fair is Everyone Has Their Needs Met - This is a hard one to realize as so many parents strive to treat their children equally. Your children, however, are likely quite different from each other. They may be different ages and sexes. They may have strikingly different personalities. All of this means their needs are different. Let's say you are the parent of an impulsive seven year old boy and a reserved three and a half year old girl. Let's say on different days they each squabble over a toy and hit a playmate. Everyone having their needs met means it is okay that your discipline response is not the same even though their behavior was.

Help Between Siblings

2010-09-01T05:26:00.000-07:00

Help Between Siblings

It is fine to ask for and expect help between siblings. What you want to avoid is one child feeling like the other is their job, their responsibility. There are subtle shifts in language and positive discipline techniques that can be helpful in walking this fine line.

Give Choices - So their sibling doesn't feel like a chore, offer children choices about how they would like to help, what they would like to do. If you need help getting bath ready ask if they would like to get the towels or start the water.
Talk About Caregiving in Both Directions - Rather than saying "You are the big brother. It is your job to keep him safe." Say "We are a family. In a family we will all work to keep each other safe."
Give Descriptive Praise When They are Helpful - When the hold a siblings hand crossing the parking lot say "Wow, look at you holding your brother's hand. You are helping to keep each other safe!" When they help pick other's pajamas say, "You got his pajamas ready. That helps everyone getting ready for bed!"
Avoid Competition, Encourage Cooperation - Instead of having them race to beat each other getting dressed, challenge them to work together to beat the clock.

Bookclub on Screamfree Parenting Notes

2010-08-19T19:13:00.000-07:00

Last week our Parenting Bookclub met to discuss Screamfree Parenting: A Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool by Runkel. What a great book! Here are a few tips for our discussion:

Focus more on being responsible to your children, focus less on being responsible for them. You were not theone screaming in the restaurant but you are the one responsible to teach them better.
Focus on your own response more than their behavior in each discipline exchange. Control what you can. The capacity for change in the parent-child relationship lies int he parent. Focus more heavily on changing their behavior often adds to the frustration.
Emotional reactivity is damaging to relationships. When you get reactive (acting out of anger, fear or frustration) you are very likely making the situation worse.
Respect that your children's emotions, thoughts and opinions will differ from yours.
Take pressure off the end result. If you want your child to be religious and you force the issue, they can never authentically choose it for themselves. You are in a far better position to expose and guide them, take them to religious events, read the books, have the discussions. Focus on making it available rather than forcing.
When your children are "testing you," shift to thinking that they are testing your ability to stay calm, dependable, stable and consistent.
Take care of yourself to better take care of them. This includes your health, your relationships and your time.
Learn and decide how to use a wide variety of positive discipline tools so you can be prepared and rely on the to help in finding the calm.
There is a real balance in parenting. Must address the business side before you can enjoy the personal side. Must provide the empathy and positive intent to balance the use of choices and consequences.
Say what you mean and mean what you say. In the positive, keep your promises. In the negative, follow through on discipline.
Your children want and deserve a parent who keeps their cool, stays level headed even when things get hot!

Correcting Manners

2010-07-17T18:53:00.001-07:00

Dear Dr. Rene,

We had a grown-up visitor who taught my daughter to burp at the table. I didn't like this at all but I didn't want to be rude so I kept my mouth shut. What is the best way to handle this situation without upsetting anybody?

Sincerely,
Katya, Mother of One

Dear Katya,
I don't think you would be rude at all saying, "I'm sorry, but that's not okay at our table." It's brief and direct without an upset. If given with a straight face should be enough to curb your guest and send a clear message to your child.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
www.askdrrene.com

Aggression from Other Children

2010-07-17T18:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Rene,
Recently I asked my husband's best friend's 3 1/2 year old daughter to stop pushing our 1 1/2 year old daughter, her mother got upset. Her response was that the children have to learn to resolve the matter themselves. Is it okay to discipline your friend's children if the parents don't react to their kids aggressive behaviors towards your own child?
Sincerely,
Katya, Mother of One

Dear Katya,
You did the first thing I would suggest. If another child is aggressive towards your child and the parent is present, I would ask them for their help. When you do this be sure to avoid blame language. Stay away from saying things like "Your child is being bad," or "Don't you teach him any better?" If there is blame in your language the other parent is less likely to listen or help. Instead blame yourself or the situation. Say something like, "I am at a bit of a loss here, could you help?" or "I'm not sure how to best handle this, have you dealt with this before?" You will find some parents are readily helpful. Others, like your friend, aren't so helpful.

If the other parent isn't around or not helpful, I think you are always within reason to speak for your own. This means to address the situation by speaking for your own child rather than disciplining the other. You might say, "Ouch, that hurt her! I can't let her get hurt." or "She wasn't finished with her turn. She'd like that back." Here, you are modeling the language you want your child to be using in the future. It would be good for her to say, "Ouch, that hurt! Stop it." or "I wasn't done with that. I'd like it back." You are erring on the side of speaking for your own without disciplining the other.

I do understand your friend's idea that children need to learn to work it out on their own abd you want to give them some space to develop social skills BUT when they start hurting each other they are stating very clearly that they don't yet have the social skills necessary to work this out. When it starts to go poorly it is still up to parents and teachers to step in a teach the needed social skills, to guide the children through the problem solving process. For sure this is the case at 1 and 3 years old and continues to be the case as children continue to struggle.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
www.parentingplaygroups.com
submit questions to blog@parentingplaygroups.com

Teaching Manners Can Be Fun

2010-07-08T11:21:00.000-07:00

With the start of a Manners Boot Camp for children at our office this summer, there is a lot of talk about teaching manners in fun ways. We also have a live Online Workshop tomorrow on Teaching Manners through http://www.askdrrene.com/.

There are a few games for teaching manners like "Mother May I" we add "Mother May I Please" The exchange before moving is "Mother, May I please take 2 steps?" "Yes, you may," "Thank you," "Your welcome." After each 4 phrase exchange the child moves and the next player asks.

Start a "Manners Jar." First, talk with your children for a week about manners such as saying "please," "thank you," "excuse me" and "I'm sorry." Discuss table manners each night at dinner. Teach how to introduce themselves to others and how to answer and speak on the phone. Read a storybook about manners each night at bedtime. Starting the second week see how often you can catch other family members remembering their manners. Each time someon is polite, put a pom-pom or a marble in your Manners Jar. See if you can fill it in a week OR measure your progress by seeing if you can earn more the second week than the first. If you want to tie a reward to filling the jar, be sure to make it manners related (to stay a positive logical consequence). This would be saying, "We'll go to a fancy restaurant for dessert and practice our newly learned table manners."

Start a Manners Journal. Each night at dinner talk about something someone in the family did that day that was polite or practicing good manners. Write it down in the journal with their name at the top of the page.

Play board games that teach manners such as The Picnic Basket Manners Game by Noodleboro, The Blunders game of Manners by Successful Kids or Don't Pick Your Nose by Bambini.

A Few Parenting Rules

2010-07-02T22:14:00.000-07:00

1. The capacity for change in the parent-child relationship lies with the parent.

2. Self esteem is an outcome measure based largely on a child's sense of social connectedness and sense of accomplishment. It cannot be given, it is developed.

3. Consistency is key in discipline. This basically translates to say what you mean and mean what you say. This is helped by learning about the impact of "intermittent reinforcement."

4. Empathy is often the answer. Validate their emotions, understand where they are coming from.

5. Listen to their teachers, especially their concerns. They may not always be right but most often, safe to assume they are coming from a good place.

6. Know there are many "within normal limits" paths to development.

7. Strive to focus their learning on their strengths. Yes, address the weaknesses but focus on the strengths.

8. Think of Floortime daily and downtime daily.

9. Have less screentime. Make the screentime they have meaningful, choose well.

10. Read aloud everyday, through high school if they'll listen.

Extended Stay with Grandparents

2010-06-28T13:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Rene,
My 5 and 6 year old children are going to be staying with their grandparents for two months while we move our household and set up our new house in Germany. How do we keep this separation and positive experience and let them know they haven't been abadoned?
Sincerely, Sybil
Mother of Two

Dear Sybil,
There are many answers here. First, be ready for them to have some separation issues or related upsets throughout the time. Two months is a stretch and at this little age, the response is unpredictable. Talk to the grandparents in advance about ways they might help and how to manage.

Anytime there is upset, start with giving empathy. Accept their emotion, validate their emotion. Label and talk about why they are feeling that way. Help them to understand and express their feelings. Teach them ways to calm and cope.

During the separation, find ways to connect. Plan to Skype regularly, send a daily postcard, email pictures of the move, call daily. Even if these things are a bit difficult, it is likely good to be in touch.

Have the grandparents keep as regular a schedule as they can. Keep mealtime and bedtime routines intact and sleep on schedule. If the children went to preschool or babysitters, have them go as possible.

Make a fun schedule for the four of them. Encourage the grandparents to take the children to museums, movies, the library for storytimes. Be helpful by researching this for them in advance.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
www.parentingplaygroups.com

Younger Sibling Woes

2010-06-27T09:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Rene,
What do I say when my younger child wants something my older child has or wants to do something my older child is doing but can't. How do I nicely say, "You are not old enough or big enough?" I particularly don't like saying this because as the baby of the family myself, I remember resenting that as a kid. Is there a better or nicer way to explain this to a younger sibling?
Sincerely, Sarah
Mother of Two

Dear Sarah,
I know this can be tough. The first thing I would give is empathy. You might start by saying something like, "I know you really want that," or "I know that looks like so much fun. It's frustrating he has that and you don't." Empathy and validating a child's feelings goes a long way towards settling them down. They can feel you at least understand their position.

Once you've connected you can then be more matter of fact and share the limit. It is fine to explain, "He has that because he is seven years old. When you are seven, you can have one too." Your younger child may still be upset and may not seem to understand but it is okay to have the limit.

Following this you might give them some choices about what else they can do or find a variation of the activity that they could manage.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
www.askdrrene.com
www.parentingplaygroups.com

Preschool and Separation

2010-06-26T07:09:00.001-07:00

Dear Dr. Rene,
My daughter will be 4 in September and has never participated in any program away from me. She is very resistant to the idea but will be starting preschool in the fall. Is it okay for preschool to be her first experience away from me or should I force the issue this summer?
Sincerely,
Karen, Mother of One

Dear Karen,
I think it would be good to have at least a few experiences over the summer. You might sign up for a few single drop-off classes and or short camp session. You might also just schedule babysitters more often and practice that way.

That said, it is also fine for preschool to be her first experience with separation. Experienced preschool teachers have dealt with initial transitions and separation anxiety. Most expect this to some degree every September. To be fair to all involved though, you might contact the teacher prior to school and let her know you expect some difficulty. It would be good to have an understanding of the school's drop-off procedures and guidelines for managing separation issues.

It may also be helpful (if allowed) to play on the school's playground over the summer. Take advantage of any preview experiences such as a home or classroom visit. Ask for a class list so you can start playdates over the summer months, this way you ensure a few familiar faces on the first day. Take pictures of the other children and teacher as soon as you can and give these to your child to help make connections.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
www.parentingplaygroups.com

Parents with Different Discipline Styles

2010-06-21T12:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Rene,
My husband and I don't parent in similar ways. He thinks I am too soft, I often think he is too hard on the kids in discipline. Should we work to find a simiar style or is it okay that we discipline in different ways?
Sincerely, Carol
Mother of Three

Dear Carol,
The fencepost answer - it would be nice to work on finding similar ways and it is fine to have different styles in parenting. Your children are going to develop a different relationship with you than they have with your husband. Think about it growing up, you likely had different relationships with your parents and in most families this works fine. It teaches children to be flexible.

When there are disagreements, the general guideline is whoever starts it, get to finish it. This means, unless it is abusive, whichever parent starts a discipline exchange is allowed to finish it. The second parent should avoid undermining or arguing with the first. The second should not rescue the child or change the discipline in anyway. Of course, if the first parent is asking for help or handing the child off, it is fine to move on and differ. If the first parent is not asking for help or handing off, the second should ONLY reinforce by saying something like, "Listen to your father." If you as the second parent REALLY disagree with the first, it is fine to take a few notes and discuss it later and well out of earshot of the child.

That said, it is nice when parents' styles are in sync. You might want to read a discipline book together or sign-up for a parenting workshop. Finding common ground would mean for smoother times in general.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
www.askdrrene.com

Getting 3 Year Old to Answer

2010-06-03T11:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Rene,
Everytime I ask my 3 year old what he did in preschool, he says "Nothing." how can I get him engaged in a conversation about this?
Sincerely,
Hope, Mother of One

Dear Hope,
This is a common complaint. You might use the class weekly or monthly plans to ask more specific questions like, "I see you made collages today, was that fun?" or "What did you do at movement class today?" If the teacher sends daily reports, use that as your jump off. You might ask more specific questions like, "Who did you sit with at snack?" or "Who was the line leader?" You might ask funny questions like, "What was the worst thing about preschool today?" or "Did you go to the bathroom by yourself or with friends today?" You might also ask future plans, "What do you think you'll do at school tomorrow?" If he has a favorite thing like the car mat you might start there, "Did you get to drive cars on the mat today?" It may be that he just needs a break from being social after a day at school so you might wait until after snack or a bit of playtime before you ask.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
http://www.askdrrene.com/

Tantrums at School

2010-06-01T08:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Rene,
I am a mother of 4 and expecting a 5th. Our second to youngest child is throwing really bad tantrums in school. These tantrums are out of control and disrupt the entire class. The school is talking about suspension because this is interrupting the whole K, 1st and 2nd grade hallway. I have tried everything I can think of from taking away special toys and explaining she has a choice to throw a tantum. I thought by 6 years old she would not be having these tantrums but they still seem to be problematic.
Please help.
Sincerely,
Andrea, Mother of Five

Dear Andrea,
This is a difficult situation all the way around. There are a few things to do at home and a few things to do at school that may be helpful. I would ask if there is a space provided for children to be alone, to calm down and regain themselves that is also safe. This might be a quiet corner of the classroom or the waiting area of the nurse's office. It would be best if this is away from the other children and somewhere she can take herself. There is a preschool near us that has a small house filled with beanbags and pillows. When children feel overwhelmed and angry they are invited in to help themselves settle. This works by removing the audience and and social reinforcement as well as provding a calming setting. It is hard to stay mad when you are lounging on bean bags.

A thing to do at school and at home is to focus on teaching emotions language, better ways to express and ways to calm. These are things that are helpful to most children in overcoming tantrums, take a long time to learn and best if reinforced at home and school. it is best to teach these things out of the moment, when all are calm. If you wait and try to teach these things when children are emotional and overwhelmed, they are not in a good place to learn.

Likely it is best to avoid disciplining behaviors that happen hours earlier in school. If it is a big enough behavior that you were made aware of, the child was already disciplined at school. If it is several hours later, the child may not connect those things well. I am not saying just let it go but rather focus heavily on coaching the new behavior. Talk to your child about the thing that happened at school, brainstorm better options, together find ways for the child to make amends and do better the next day.

With tantrums, it can be helpful to lean about "charting a behavior," in this case it is focusing on triggers (what sets a child off) and cue behaviors (signs they are about to tantrum). This would have to be in the school setting, so by the teacher or guidance counselor. it would mean a bit of observation time and record keeping but would provide helpful information so the school can be more prepared to manage the upset.

There is a full discussion of these ideas on our http://www.askdrrene.com/ website, in the recorded workshop on manageing tantrums. There is also a good book titled No More Meltdowns, which is good about managing tantrums in school age children.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/

Nap Issues

2010-05-28T21:12:00.001-07:00

Dear Dr. Rene,

My 2 year old still takes an afternoon nap for 1 to 3 hours each afternoon. I've noticed if the afternoon nap is long or if he naps later in the afternoon, he has trouble going to sleep at the regular 8:00pm bedtime or wakes up during the night. If he skips nap or naps for a short time, he is cranky by 5:00pm. Any suggestions?

Sincerely,

Lee, Mother of One

Dear Lee,

One thing that might help is being more consistent with your naptime routine. Naps benefit from being at the same time, in the same place everyday. It may also be helpful to build in a short naptime routine to aid the transition. If long naps seem to interfere with nighttime sleep, the idea is to gradually make naps shorter. Think about waking them up 15 minutes earlier each week. If they have been a 3 hour naps, for this wake them at 2 hours and 45 minutes consistently. The next week, 2 hours and 30 minutes until it seems to be the right amount of nap and not impact nighttime sleep. Also, be sure nap starts by 1:00pm at the latest so they might be back up is around 3:00pm. This will avoid bumping into bedtime.

Sincerely,

Dr. Rene

http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/

Sleep Issues - Children Sharing Room

2010-05-28T18:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Hackney,
I have 26 month old twin girls. They share a bedroom. One of my twins wakes up crying in the middle of the night a few times a week. In an effort to prevent the twin who wakes up from waking the other, my husband and I usually wait a few minutes to see if the if the crying will stop and then go in to remove the crying twin from the room. It has become increasingly difficult to get her back to sleep. Once she is out of the room she asks to watch tv or go downstairs and play. She will sometimes stay awake for up to two hours before going back to sleep. She often asks for juice which we give her. How do we get her to stay asleep or help her go back to sleep more quickly when she wakes?
Thank you,
Grace, Mother of Two

Dear Grace,
The first thing to check if children are waking at night and calling out is how they are falling asleep at bedtime. Unless they are co-sleeping, the goal is for children to fall asleep in the same place and by themselves each night. The more able they are to nod off independently, the more likely they are to be able to self soothe if they wake later.

The idea when children wake at night is to do as little as possible. Avoid taking her out of the room. Better yet, avoid taking her out of her bed. Best if you can sit beside her quietly. Being able to get up and play or watch tv is very reinforcing to calling out the next time. I think I might get up in the night if I knew there was juice and someone to play with. While she may wake the first night or two, hopefully the other will learn to sleep through.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
http://www.askdrrene.com/

Sibling Concerns

2010-05-22T10:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Rene,
My family has a history of siblings not getting along. I was never close to my sister growing up. My mom and dad are practically estranged frmot heir siblings. My sons are only 4 years and 14 months old. Is there anything I can do now and in the next few years to maximize the odds they will become life long friends?
Thank you,
Hope, Mother of Two

Dear Hope,
First thing to do is be sure you've let go of the expectation that the boys won't be friends. Expect they will enjoy each other and find ways to build a positive relationship over time. Our expectations may help to shape the outcome.

That said, avoid putting pressure on the specific relationship. There is an idea that insisting on good feeling between children leads to bad. If you find yourself saying, "You will love your brother. He is supposed to be your best friend in life!" it is likely bottling negative emotions which may pile up and work against the relationship. It is a better practice to allow for and recognize the negative emotions. When children feel heard they can let go of the fight and hopefully move forward.

Ideally you are giving opportunity and encouragement for togetherness without pressure. Think of ways they can be together like sharing a room or work together like cooking without forcing the issue. There is more detail about these suggestions and many others in Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish. This is a fantastic parenting book and would be a good next step.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
blog@parentingplaygroups.com

Mealtime Struggles

2010-05-22T10:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Rene,
Our three and half year old daughter has started to struggle over mealtimes. She is becoming extremely picky. She will not try new foods and refuses to eat dinner with us at the table.
What next?
Sincerely,
Ginny, Mother of One

Dear Ginny,
Struggles over food are another matter all together. The folks who write about food intake say it shouldn't overlap with discipline so all the ideas about appraoching power struggles with choices and consequences don't apply. The good thing is the experts tend to agree on a few guidelines to address pickiness.

The overarching guideline is parents are in charge of what is offered, children are in charge of what and how much of that they eat. This means you provide a healthy wide range of choices at regular times and let them decide what and how much to eat once they've sat down to eat. Following these guidelines they don't have to try new foods. It is simply your job to provide a wide range of healthy choices. Keep foods in rotation. Even if they don't like broccoli and claim they won't ever eat it, if it is out of rotation it is not available to try. There is a great deal more detail about these and other guidelines in How to Get Your Kids to Eat But Not Too Much by Satter.

Not sitting at the table to eat is along the lines of behavior rather than food intake so fair game in the realm of discipline to curb behaviors. This might be contribution such as having her make place cards and choose where everyone sits. This might be choices of where to sit or consequences of having to sit in the booster seat or eat when others are done.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
blog@parentingplaygroups.com

Struggles with Three Year Old

2010-05-22T10:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Rene,
Our three and a half year old daughter is very strong willed - a trait I share - which leads to a variety of difficulties. We are having particular issues over clothing and bathtime. She wants the same outfit everyday, refuses to take baths. I have tried offering choices and compromises but every option is met with a complete meltdown. We are at a loss about what to do as she is otherwise a sweet little girl.
Thank you,
Ginny, Mother of One

Dear Ginny,
These are common stages for show-downs with young children. Getting dressed in the morning, getting ready for bath or bed are often cited by parents as tough times of the day. Thankfully, there are several techniques to approach and help soften the struggle.

On the rare day that getting dressed or getting in the bath goes smoothly, gush a little. Notice her good behaviors, describe back to her what she did. Be sure this is behavior specific, somthing like "Wow, you got dressed all by yourself. That was helpful."

Setting clear boundaries means letting them know up front your expectation and ways to be successful before the behavior happens again. If these are daily battles, there is no reason to wait for it to blow up. Be proactive, get in front of the behaviors. Talk her through before she starts to get dressed tomorrow.

If that doesn't work and you find yourself in a stuggle it is good to think choices and contribution. Direct choices about where to get dressed or which piece of clothing to start with can be helpful. Contribution is giving her job through the struggle. This would be making her the sweater selecter for the family or the sock matcher. Best to be a job related to the task.

If all that fails, you might fall back on consequences. Consequences are best if they match your child's behavior. This means keeping the behavior in mind while developing your response. Matching in content is the hardest but in this case might be her having to get dressed alone or you picking the outfit.

There is a good book titled Kids, Parents and Power Struggles that breaks down the dynamics and walks through these steps in a more detailed way. Hang in there, strong willed may be a trait that serves her well in the long run.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
blog@parentingplaygroups.com

3 Year Old Saying No to Everything

2010-05-22T07:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Rene,
Help! My three year old daughter is saying "no" to everything. It has gotten to the point that when I say "time to get dressed," she replies, "no, not time to get dressed!" She takes whatever I've said and negates it. This is exhausting me.
Sincerely, Jill
Mother of two, ages 3 years and 10 months

Dear Jill,
I know this is a struggle but it is likely coming from a good place. Two and three year olds often go through a phase of saying "no" all day long and wanting the opposite of whatever a parent suggests. This is part of developing a sense of self. They are learning an assertive voice, how to state opinions and their impact on those around them.

That said, there is clearly a need to address this. there are several small things that may be helpful. A little validation can go a long way. This would mean saying, "I know you don't want to get dressed right now," or "I know you are very busy playing, it is hard to stop to get dressed." This gives the child a cushion, a little understanding. You are recognizing her point of view and may lessen the push to argue.

You might offer choices, "Hey, do you want to get dressed on the bed or the floor?" "Do you want to put on your shirt or your skirt first?" Choices allow the child some power, they are more flexible and open. They are also underrated, especially with the under six crowd.

Distraction and humor can also be life savers here. If you can make light, everyone may be better able to move on.

I hope this helps.
Sincerely, Dr. Rene

Competitive Sports?

2010-05-19T14:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Rene,
What are your thoughts on organized sports starting for kids as early as 4 years old? My kids seem to enjoy it most of the time but have a hard time with the competition and have difficulty understanding the rules. Am I setting them up for failure starting too early?
From Confused!
Mother of two, ages 4 and 6 years old

Dear Confused,
General consensus is organized sports and classes should be about exposure and learning the rules of the game for children under 6 years old. It is about learning how to catch and throw a ball, the language of the sport and being on a team. It seems best to wait and start keeping score as children are a bit older and able to manage it.

Many children under 6 years old struggle with competition and should be introduced to this gradually. Think about introducing the concept of copetition thru small games like tic-tac-toe, hullabaloo or rock-paper-scissors. These games take just a few seconds to win or lose. Work your way up to longer board games and organized sports. The whole time you are playing games talk about what it means to be a good winner or good loser. Suggest and model things people can say to others when they win or lose. Practice being a good sport.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene

Tips for Holiday Stress

2009-12-10T11:33:00.000-08:00

With so many errands, activities and outings it is easy to become stressed during the Holidays. Unfortunately when we are stressed, our children likely feel it too. Here are a few tips to help families manage this time of year.

Start early and spread it out - Start your lists now if you haven't already. Space out your errands and responsibilities.
Help children plan their purchases or creations - Children may need guidance on gift selection. Brainstorm ideas with them, help them consider the person receiving the gift. If they are making gifts, build in and help them structure their time.
Focus on experience and time rather than spending and things - Plan to bake cookies together rather than buy them for class parties. Arrange outings and experiences together rather than buy presents.
Focus on your family's true meaning of the Holidays - Be it religion, faith, family or tradition, think about what is truly important to you about the Holidays and share this with your children. strive to keep the focus throughout this time.
Stick to routines as much as possible - Routines help most children to cope with stress. Strive to make meal times regular and bedtimes as normal as possible.
Include them in the Holiday planning - Give them what choices you can. This can be as small as picking which tights they wear with their holiday dress or as big as which party to attend first. Children given choices have a sense of control which can go a long way in managing stress.
Remember downtime - Children benefit from having unstructured downtime for play every day. This is especially true when life is busy and chaotic.
Remember fun - Build in time for sledding and hot cocoa after bath.
Discuss what makes us thankful, grateful and happy - Take time to reflect with your children. Discuss what is important to you and find out what is important to them.

Sibling Peace & Holidays

2009-12-02T06:42:00.000-08:00

Tips for Managing Siblings, Cousins and Friends over the Holidays

If your house is anything like our house over the holidays there are children coming and going at all times and many may overstay their initial warm and friendly welcome. Children stuck in the house together who have been used to the elbow room of school and regular schedules can be a lot to handle on top of the rush of the holidays.

Plan for the downtime - A few years ago the was a huge snowstorm that kept the girls and I in the house for five straight snowdays. By the end of the first day I wised up. I made a list of every possible activity that was fun and available in our house. This included regular things like play with groovy girls but also much bigger things like make a pillow fort, take a bubble bath and bake cookies from scratch. It was a long list that we almost exhausted by the end of the week.

Make them busy - Contribution is a practice in positive discipline that follows the idea "children who are engaged with positive behaviors have little time for negative behaviors." This proactive technique is simple - make them busy. Children who are buttering rolls and drawing placemats aren't resisting the table and argueing about what's for dinner. Children who are picking towels, bath toys and testing the water temperature and level aren't running amok and avoiding the bath.

Pit them in cooperative efforts - All the better if the efforts are done together. See if they can both clean the playroom to beat the clock, challenge them to both set the table before the end of the next song on the radio.

Have a back-up plan or two - Set aside a few fun activities that will work well in a crunch. When kids start bickering and can't seem to get back in a friendly groove, be ready to pull out Hallabaloo, the cake decorating kit and a cupcake mix, play-doh with all the supplies, big coloring books with crayons for all, the bounce house or a good video that all might enjoy.

Divide and conquer - Two kids are more likely to get along easily than six. If you are overwhelmed by the numbers then divide them. Two or three kids in each area or at each activity is plenty.

Take a walk - When all else fails, bundle them up and take them out.

Bickering

2009-10-27T08:17:00.000-07:00

There are several things to do to put an end to bickering.

The first answer is to ignore the bicker. If you can stay out of it, completely out of it, the bickering tends to end. Children find better ways to problem solve, they lose interest and move on. If you involve yourself, try to sort things out and take sides you reinforce the bicker. Getting involved adds fuel to the fire.

If you truely can't ignore the bicker, the second answer is to be the blanket, come down on both. You might say, "Wow, this is too loud. I need you both to quiet down," or "This is too much. Both of you find another place to play." Here you are ending the bicker but without getting involved.

In either case, start spending more time coaching the positive behaviors. Talk to your children about how to speak nicely and what they can say when they are mad. Role play how to manage when things aren't going well with their brother or sister. teach them how and when to ask for your help.

Social Competence

2009-10-21T14:01:00.000-07:00

Social Competence is defined as the ability to achieve personal goals while maintaining positive relationships. For children all this jargon means is, can they play while keeping friends. If your child's play is often ending in upset, aggression or rejection, it is time to look at their social skills.

Two year olds should be able to work around each other physically, play without hurting each other and start to manage turn-taking. Three year olds should start to notice other's emotions, set common goals in play and realize personal space issues. Four year olds should be improving in social entry (getting into on-going play), able to handle sharing and have solid emotion language (at least able to accurately label emotions).

If your child is having significant difficulty with social skills, there are several good books such as Raising Your Child's Social IQ. In many areas, social skills groups are also available both privately (through psychologist, social work, speech/language or OT offices) and publicly through your guidance counselor at their school. Be proactive - Start teaching!

Preventing Tantrums

2009-10-16T06:45:00.001-07:00

The best way to manage tantrums is to prevent them. Here are several tips to prevent the next meltdown.

Teach Emotion Language - The more emotion language children have, the less they need to tantrum. The idea is the language can replace to behaviors. If children are able to vent their emotions, they are less likely to boil over. Teach emotion language by labeling and discussing emotions as they happen (yours, theirs and others) and talk about emotions in children's story books.
Teach Ways to Calm - Think of teaching them to count or breath when they are angry. Teach them to take a few second before responding when they are angry (this takes a great deal of effort to teach).
Teach Ways to Express - Tantrums are emotions on overload. Teach them ways to express negative emotions such as stomping feet, blowing out hard, shaking hands, hugging themselves hard, running or raising voices. it's not that one way is better than another just really think about ways that you are okay with before you teach.
Look for Triggers - Triggers are what typically sets your child off. if you can figure the triggers you can fix or avoid them. You can teach your child how to best manage them. At the very least, you can see them coming.
Rest and Food - If their triggers are being tired or hungry, that is on you. Get them more rest, feed them more often.
Look for Cues - Cues are the signs your child is on the edge. My younger daughter always got fidgety before she threw herself on the floor in tantrum mode. That fidgetiness was my red flag to jump in with empathy, positive intent or choices.
Give Downtime, Avoid Overscheduling - With such busy schedules, this is a common cause for children to meltdown. If your child is tantrumming often, check how much is required of them throughout the day. Be sure they are having real downtime, playtime where nothing is organized or required.

Our next workshop on Managing Tantrums is happening Thursday October 22nd from 7:00-9:00pm at the Falls Church office. To register for this and other evening workshops visit http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?t=lkzpbadab.0.0.n89o4ybab.0&ts=S0421&p=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.parentingplaygroups.com%2Fparentworkshops.htm&id=preview

Private Speech

2009-10-15T17:07:00.000-07:00

So folks ask, what is private speech?

Private speech is the running commentary we have in our heads that helps to guide our behavior. When you are following a recipe, you may talk yourself through the steps. When a task is particularly challenging - the private speech may become public. We start to talk out loud to ourselves to support the action.

Children start to do this often around 3 years old. Think about your child working on a hard puzzle - do you hear him muttering to himself about the piece he is looking for or the plan to get started? This is his still public - private speech. As children grow the speech gradually moves into their brain (hopefully) rather than being said out loud.

Studies show private speech benefits future behaviors. Children who mutter their way through first grade math often benefit second grade math. The idea is the language is reinforcing the learning - they are talking their way back through.

Scaffolding - How We Approach Problem Solving

2009-09-28T18:08:00.000-07:00

Scaffolding is how you approach problem solving with your child. Think about a four year old who is struggling with a new type of puzzle or a nine year old plodding through difficult math homework. Scaffolding is the language you use to help them through the problem solving process, it is your approach. Here, it becomes important to realize there are effective and ineffective ways to help children problem solve. Effective ways move the child toward independently problem solving. They encourage the child to work on and learn. Ineffective ways can bring the work to a screeching halt. Let's focus here on the effective ways.

Whether they are four and working on puzzles or nine and tackling math, the following ways tend to be helpful.

Give hints and suggestions rather than answers and directives. Even if you have the answers, let them grapple a bit. Yes, give them clues so they can keep going and hints so they can find the way but let them find as much as they can on their own.

Corrections shouldn't feel like corrections. Fine to ask them to reconsider, even okay to point out things to change but let them have the final say and put your correction in hearable language. Rather than, "No, that's the wrong piece." Try "Hmm, maybe that piece is long. What do you think?"

The problem solving process far outweighs the product. This is a hard one for the Type A parent but the product, the end result, what they turn in isn't as important as how they get there. Encourage them to take charge, let them make the decisions, help them to break down tasks to managable parts and learn to work from an outline, gradually learn the benefit of practice and study. Learning to problem solve in a broad way is so much more important than the outcome of one task.

It is their project not yours. Again, hard for the Type As out there. When a child turns in a project or finishes a task, for them to feel really proud of the outcome, they need ownership of the process. This means they weigh the options and make the decisions.

Expect it to be a warm and positive experience. If your children don't feel good about problem solving with you, the first place to check is your approach and language (not their attention span and motivation).

Be flexible in the amount of help you give. The rule is give more help as they struggle, less as they succeed. If the goal is independent problem solving you want to constatnly be moving in that direction.

Ask how they want to be helped. Be sure the way you are giving help, is the way they'd like it. When learning to read aloud, they may not want you giving every word they struggle on for more than 5 seconds. They may just want the beginning sound or they may want 10 second or they may not want your help at all. Check in with them and let them lead.

Remain available. Even if they are having success and don't want your help, stay available. Children who bump into real frustration, if not able to sort through may give up and be done all together. Stay available.

Building Vocabulary

2009-09-28T08:40:00.000-07:00

Once they are talking, there are many ways to build a child's vocabulary.

Continue giving running commentary - Talk about all the things they are doing and seeing. Be sure to include functional definitions and a adjectives.
Continue echo expansion - When they say "More juice." Model back "You'd like more apple juice, please?" Keep their language intact and ad on. Model longer phrases and more descriptive language.
Plan-Do-Review - If you are going to the pumpkin patch this weekend, before you go get out the pictures from last year and discuss the details or check out a few books from the library about pumpkin patches. This is the "plan" part. While at the pumpkin patch give them running commentary about all that is happening. This is the "do" part. After, talk about what was their favorite thing to do or discuss the day when you get the pictures printed. This is the "review" part. Children are benefitting from having the language before, during and after.
Encourage emotion language - Label their and your emotions. Talk about the causes and consequences of emotions. Discuss how people calm and how people cope.
Play word games - For the beginner, this includes "I spy" and rhyming games. As they get older, this is 20 questions, telephone and Mystery Garden.
Practice following directions - By two years old we expect two-step directions, by three years old three-steps. A three-step directions is "Go to the kitchen, get your shoes and bring them to the front door." If you are unsure, play the Crazy Directions game. This is where you say things like "Find the cat, kiss his nose and jump up and down. Ready, go." This is more fun and serves the same purpose.
Give a vocabulary word a day - There are many websites and calendars to build vocabulry and the idea is to present and discuss a new word each day with you child. See how often you can each use it.
Continue to read aloud - Plan to do this long past the point they are reading to themselves. Yes, it is nice to give them time for that but plan to do both. Everyday have some time spent reading independently and some time spent reading aloud.

Encouraging Early Speech

2009-09-24T13:30:00.000-07:00

There are many ways to encourage early speech. Here are a few ideas:

Pair Gestures with Your Words - Nod when you say "yes," wave when you say "hi."

More True Toys, Less Passive Toys - If there are speech concerns do away with all the electronic toys that do the talking and make the noises for your child. When a child plays with the Fisher-Price Farm, the child should be doing the "mooing" and "baaing" not the toys.

Echo Expansion - When the child says "Juice?" say "More juice?" If they say "More juice?" say "More juice please?" The idea is to give back their language intact and add to it. You are not requesting or requiring longer phrases, just modeling them.

Provide Running Commentary - Running commentary means you are talking about all that you are doing, seeing and feeling. In the grocey store I might say, "We need some apples. Mommy is going to put this red apple in the bag. Now we have two apples in the bag. I am putting the bag in the cart." Use labels often, rely on repitition, provide functional definitions. If the child points and says "bus" giving a definition would be "Yes, the school bus takes children to school."

Give Language to Their Pointing - When the child is excited and pointing but not able to come up with the word that is needed, many parents are quick to fill it in. Let's say the child sees a dog at the park and is pointing and saying "uh-uh-uh." It can be tempting to say "Thats' a dog." Rather pause and point and say "Look," or "What's that?" pause for a few seconds again before you say, "That's a dog." You are first giving language to their pointing and then giving them time to find the word themselves before you fill it in.

Don't Anticipate Needs - If all the child has to do is point toward the fridge to get a cup of milk, there is very little need for language. At least for a few seconds, not to the point of frustration, pretend to not know what they mean. Let them grapple a bit for the word.

Don't Repeat Mispronunciations - As cute as they are, if there are speech concerns don't repeat mispronunciations. now this shouldn't feel like a correction either. If the child says "ram-baid" when asking for a band-aid avoid saying "No honey, it is band-aid." This feels like a correction and now the child doesn't want to talk to you. Just respond inthe positive with what they meant and clearly anunciate. Say, "Yes, you need a BAND-AID."

Early Speech Milestones

2009-09-23T05:35:00.000-07:00

With so many patterns of normal speech and language development it can be difficult to sort out what is most important. There are a few basic milestones that if not met, signal flags in early language development.

First word - Most people say babies should have a first word by 1 year old. The range of normal for a first word is 10 to 16 months.
50 words by 18 months, concern if less than 10 - Most babies have in the ballpark of 50 words by 18 months. There is concern if there are less than 10, particularly if those 10 are garbled or only used once or not really in context. I actually wouldn't be concerned if they only have 5 words but those words were clear, well used in context and consistent.
2 words together by 24 months - Most babies are putting two words together by 24 months. Many of them are stringing 6 and 7 word sentences but the concern is single words only.
For articulation - Think that children should be 50% understood by strangers at 2 1/2 years old. This means half the time when your child speaks to the lady checking groceries, she understands him. By 3 years old this jumps to 75%, meaning more often than not she understands. It doesn't count to be understood by grandma or great babysitter, they hear his language often. This marker is for strangers.

I am a firm believer in the benefits of early intervention. If you feel or worry your child has a speech or language issue, there is no harm in having an evaluation. Children often enjoy the process and at best they reassure you and let you know to let go of the concern. At worst the child qualifies for what were needed services and you get started on a better long-term path. Somewhere in the middle, they may not qualify for services but you are given great guidance for working with your child to make improvements at home. Whatever the outcome, early intervention also provides a baseline. A professionals take of where your child is and how to move forward.

Using Developmental Checklists

2009-09-21T19:31:00.000-07:00

We started our morning Play & Workshop program with a checklist of Language Development milestones by age so I'll give a few comments about using checklists (I'll post this list tomorrow if I can figure out how). For now I'll just mention - the best way to use checklists is to look for progress overtime. I hesitate to even give checklists because many parents immediately fall into one of two traps:

Trap One - Looking only for weaknesses

Many parents get bogged down by items their child is low on. Child may be high on 6 of 7 measures but the parent is narrowly looking at the seventh category.

Trap Two - Comparing to every other child in the room

Many parents fill out the checklist while glancing just as often at their neighbor's paper and can't help but ask, especially if they find an area that's low (see above).

The best way to use checklists is to fill it out, put it away for a few months, get it out again and fill it out like new. Then go back and check for progress. By all means if you see an area of weakness, you might make a plan of action on how to improve and then really look for progress based on your efforts. While I don't want you stuck in weaknesses, if you made efforts and still don't see progress it may warrant further investigation just don't get stuck. Worry doesn't tend to serve you well here.

Floortime

2009-09-18T13:30:00.000-07:00

The topic in our morning Play & Workshop last week was Floortime. Moving forward I am going to post the highlights from each topic weekly. So here goes...

Floortime is an approach to play developed by Stanley Greenspan MD. If you haven't heard of him he is a child psychiatrist who is big in the field of parenting and specializes in social and emotional development issues. The Floortime training kit was published in 1990 and is still widely used.

Greenspan stresses the benefits of floortime to a child's vocabulary, interactive play, creative play and rates of aggression. The kit also discusses the importance of play from birth to 6 years old. It describes the impact of play on academic readiness, social and emotional exchange, language development and communication of ideas. It is important to know that play is bigger than play, when supported it is a strong foundation for academic and social success.

Parent Guidelines

Aim for 20 minutes a day per child. This is an uninterrupted 20 minutes that you are focused and following the play. Avoid checking on dinner and answering the phone.
During this time the child is the leader, you are the follower. You assist but never lead the play.
You move and play at their pace.
There is no discipline. There is no education. This really is play for the sake of play. The only rules are no hurting or breaking things and then, likely, you just end the floortime.
All of your comments and questions should be to focus and build on their current activity. Expand without changing directions. Take a real interest.
Enter in the least intrusive way possible.
The hardest part for most parents is slowing down.

Teaching Respect

2009-09-16T08:32:00.000-07:00

In this day of award stealing moments and presidential bashing, I thought it is high time to blog about teaching children about respect. As much as we focus on teaching them manners, respect seems to be falling by the wayside. There is a wide range of ways to approach this topic with children. I am going to list and discuss a bit by category.

Define respect with your children. What does having respect mean? How does being respectful shape our relationships? Talk about this and honesty and other related traits often. Point out when people are being respectful or disrespectful out in the world. Talk about the social exchanges you witness.

Model Respect. Children are learning best by watching and listening. Consider how you speak about your neighbor and how you argue with your spouse. If you mis-step, stop and apologize or otherwise make amends. If they see the mis-step let them see the make-up.

First teach children about themselves. Children can not have respect for others until they have a sense of self and start to recognize differences. When a preschooler is making a noodle and yarn self-portrait they are thinking about their eye color and skin color and can start to recognize the similarities and differences in others. This can build to likes and dislikes and personality difference. Then children can consider culture and religion. The idea is for parents to speak openly and respectfully about others as they go.

Teach diversity. Recognize and appreciate differences in others.

Teach respect for life. This can come through pet care or caring for the environment.

Teach about the life cycle. It is helpful to discuss birth, aging and death. Children can learn respect for elders by better understanding this process.

Teach manners. Through 2 years old we model manners. Through 3 years old we expect manners. After 4 years old we enforce manners. This includes "pleases" and "thank yous" but it also includes speaking in a respectful tone and listening to others. These are things that should taught over the long haul.

Give opportunity for responsibility. This means children should have chores and responsibilities. I like chores for allowance but also feel children should have things they do just because they are part of the family. Helping should be a given.

Teach friendship and social skills. This is a wide category and includes the basics like listening to others, sharing and taking turns. But it also touches on a sense of empathy, recognizing others emotions and being able to appropriately respond.

Take care of their own belongings. This means children should clean and care for their rooms. They should be expected to keep track of belongings at school and responsible when things are lost. There should be a system for child repaying for any losses.
Sports and teamwork may be helpful. Children participating with others makes them responsible to others for performance and follow-through.

Going Poop a Little at a Time

2009-09-15T07:54:00.000-07:00

Hi Dr. Rene,
My son is 3 years and 8 months old. He has been totally potty trained for pee for six months but refuses to poop on the potty. He was constipated but that resolved. He holds it in and poops a little at a time in his pull-ups. When he does, he immediately wants me to change him which ends up being five or six times a day. He has only gone poop in the potty three times. Each time, we had a parade in the living room to celebrate. I have tried just letting go, rewards, stickers and a coin jar. What else can I do?
Sincerely,
LeighAnne
Mother of two, ages 3 and 10 years old

Hi LeighAnne,
I would argue that you are still dealing with constipation or at least the withholding that can follow a bout of constipation. Children who have been constipated often hold their poop so they won't again have the pain they felt from pooping. Unfortunately this just starts a negative cycle. The more they hold, the worse it can hurt and so on. The general idea is that this needs to move at their pace and without pressure.

There are many things you can do. Let's start with the easy, general ones

Play the videos and read the books - There are so many good potty books and videos available. Mix them in with your other story or tv times.
When you do change him, let him watch you empty his poop into the potty. Help him make that connection "the potty is where poop belongs."
Change all diapers in or just outside the bathroom. Again sending the message about place and letting him know we have to stop and go to the potty each time.

Next let's address the ones related to the constipation

Increase fluids, particularly water.
Increase exercise, particularly walking.
Check his diet. Think fiber, fruits and vegetables. Make fruit smoothies and add in a few prunes. Add raisens to all snacks.
Avoid white bread, rice, bananas and too much milk.
Talk to the pediatrician but you might try an over-the-counter remedy such as mineral oil.

Now for the specifics

Let him know it's okay to poop in a pull-up but encourage him to at least stand in the bathroom while he does this.
Once he is comfortable, encourage him to sit for poop. This can be with his pull-up on sitting on the floor or on the closed lid of the potty.
Once he is comfortable, you could have him try on the open potty and then on the open potty with no pull-up.

All of your language and efforts should be encouraging him to take ownership. Out of the moment and maybe once a day say things like "You know you are the only one in the whole world who knows when you need to potty," or "You know that feeling in your tummy when you need to poop? I can't feel that, just you!" The idea here is to make it their job, to encourage ownership without pressure.

blog@parentingplaygroups.com

Nervous Habit

2009-09-14T09:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Rene,

I have two boys. About a month after having a new baby and the start of a new preschool, my older son starting picking at his cuticles. He doesn't always do this but in moments when he is bored or his hands are free and he thinks no one is looking he will pick. he doesn't do this when his hands are busy with books or puzzles. he did not pick his nails much at all this summer but seems to have started again now that the school year is in.

At night we put lotion on so his hands aren't dry. If we see him picking, we'll wrap his finger in a band-aid. We have lost our patience with asking him to stop and are now at discipline which seems to make things worse. What should we do?
Sincerely,
Jen
Mom of two, ages 4 1/2 and 21 months

Dear Jen,
Habits like this are annoying and hard to break. If you attend too much you may reinforce through attention. Attend too little and the behavior runs amok. The first line of defense is to make his hands busy. This is giving him what's called an incompatible behavior. He isn't picking his nails while doing puzzles, squishing play-doh or coloring so keep those types of activities on hand. Whenever you see him pikcing give him something to do that keeps his hands busy. Think about making him the Official Thing Carrier.

Good to be proactive with the lotion. I also like the idea of putting a band-aid on the finger if he is picking and I would say something like, "We need to keep your fingers safe." If it become a more frequent habit, you might put band-aids on all for a while just to give everyone a break.

Be sure in your language that you avoid saying things like "Don't pick your nails," or "Stop picking." Rather focus your langauge on the thing you want him TO DO such as "Leave your fingers alone," or "put your hands down." This simple shift can have a big impact over time. you are reinforcing the thing to do and that should be the language in his head when he starts to pick and you are not around.
Good Luck!
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
blog@parentingplaygroups.com
www.parentingplaygroups.com

Whining Between Siblings

2009-09-10T14:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Rene,
I have three sons: ages 7, 5 and 2 months. We hear a fair amount of whining from the 7-year-old. We respond the way you suggest ("I can't understand that voice. I'll be ready to hear your regular voice in a few minutes. Please wait.") The tricky part is that the 7-year-old will still whine to get what he wants from the 5-year-old and the 5-year-old usually gives in. How do we stop whining between siblings and peers?
Thanks,
Jodie
Mom of three

Dear Jodie,
Some of this is inevitable. Children bicker and whine and argue with their siblings out of range of you and there is little that can be done.

When you are present, you might take a more active role in coaching them to curb each other. This would mean stepping in and moderating the conversation, "Johnney, did you hear the way your brother asked? It would be nice for all our family members to hear things in a pleasant way." Then turn to whiner and say, "Johnney doesn't like being spoken to that way. Can you find a nicer way to say that?" If everytime you can intervene and have them fix their voice and practice the better way, the whining should lessen. You might remind them over breakfast that the goal for the day is pleasant voices for all. You might have a nickel jar and anyone who whines at any time has to add a nickel. You might make it a competition, when anyone whines challenge who can come up with the highest number of nice ways to ask and let them practice.

I hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
www.parentingplaygroups.com

Scared at Bedtime

2009-09-09T11:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Rene,
I have a 3 year old who recently started having bad dreams and would come into our room in the middle of the night. If I didn't fall asleep, I would put her back in her own room. Now she's afraid of her room saying there's ghoasts in their, is now afraid of the dark, and literally shakes and screams when I try to put her in her room. She has a nightlight and I've ghost proofed the room. I hate to leave her shaking and screaming, so of course back in our room she comes. We also have a new 6 month old.
Please Help,
Lori
Mother of two, ages 3 years and 6 months

Dear Lori,
The first thing I would do is have a gentle conversation about how her room is a safe place and it is where she should be sleeping. I would have this conversation in the afternoon, not right at bedtime when it is more likely to develop to a struggle. Then, several times in the next few days, I would talk about how safe her room is and how safe the house is. I would talk about how her room is just for her and your room is just for you to sleep in.

Rather than all the fuss and the back and forth, you might opt for the "gradual move out method." This is on the time-consumming end but gets kids to sleep on thier own with less crying and upset than the check-in methods. For gradual move-outs you first finish your bedtime routine and you stay, for a week, while she is falling asleep. You sit beside her with your hand on her back. The next week, you sit beside but keep your hand off her back. The next week you move to a chair next to the bed. The next week you move the chair 6 inches and so on until you are out of the room. With this method, if she wakes in the middle of the night you sit wherever you were at bedtime. By the time you have moved out of the room she has slowly gained confidence and is not needing you. The drawback, this takes some time!

There are other, smaller thangs you might do to help. Rather than you checking her room for ghosts (this sends the message there just might be some) do a room check together to "see there are just clothes in the closet and just toys in the box." The language says there are no ghosts and not even a possibility. For a sense of control, you might give her a flashlight that she is welcome to use if she is in bed. You might offer to check on her "more often" if she is laying down and quiet. You might spend more fun time playing and reading in her room during the day.

Whatever you do, if she wakes at night, return her to her room. It is less reinforcing if you fall asleep in her room than her in your room. Her getting to fall asleep with you in your room strongly reinforces trying again the next night.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/
blog@parentingplaygroups.com

Exhausted Starting Kindergarten

2009-09-06T05:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Rene,
My daughter started Kindergarten last week and by Friday she was just exhausted. She is a good sleeper. What can we do?
Sincerely,
MaryAnne
mom of two, ages 5 and 2 1/2

Dear MaryAnne,
Kindergarten can be exhausting! For many children it is their first experience with being away from home regularly for the full day. Think about the effort here - they are meeting and remembering many new friends, getting comfortable with a new teacher, learning to follow rules and directions, being introduced to academics, having to eat on a new schedule, likely getting up earlier than they did in the summer and not really being able to rest when they are tired. My younger daughter Claire was wiped out by the start of Kindergarten. By Thursday every week she was dragging and by Friday she was weepy at pick-up. Fortunately, there are many things you can do to help in the process.

The first is to be sure your child is getting a good night's sleep. Through the elementary school years the goal is for children to have ten to twelve hours of sleep each night. If you are not there, you might think to move bedtime earlier 15 minutes each week. Transitioning this goes best if you move slow and systematically.

You might also lay low on participating in other activities, at least for the first several weeks. After school sports and music lessons are likely too much here. Once you are into the school year, go back and add one activity at a time.

Waiting to join other actitivies helps to ensure your child is getting enough dowtime. Downtime is relaxed time that they are in charge. It is unstructured playtime. It is recommended that children have an hour of downtime a day through ten years old.

If it's really bad (and ours was) you might try an early pick-up at least on Fridays.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/
blog@parentingplaygroups.com

Calling People Names

2009-09-05T17:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Rene,
My 4 year old son has recently started calling other people "bad". Without any noticable provocation, he'll emphatically say his 1.5 year old brother is bad. Or he'll say "Mommy, you're bad!" I find this to be upsetting, but I try not to overreact. I can't seem to come up with a constructive response. Do you have any insight into what the positive intent might be behind these kind of statements? Any suggestions on how to respond?
Sincerely,
Kristine
Mom of two, ages 1 and 4

Dear Kristine,
Name calling and teasing is common in the preschool years. Often children are trying to play or get the other's attention. In this case, he seems to be testing the power of his words and looking for a reaction.

The first thing I would do is talk to him about how you don't like to be called "bad" or how his brother feels sad to be talked to that way. At calm times I would talk about how much people like to be called nice things and how important it is to speak in nice ways. You might, as a small response when he calls people "bad" have him find something nice to say about that person or think of a way to help them feel better. This would be a plenty big reaction.

If he seems frustrated or angry when he says this I would start coaching him on other words to use when he is upset. Better for him to say "I'm mad!" than to name call.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene

Slow to Warm Up 2 Year old

2009-09-04T10:54:00.000-07:00

My 2 1/2 year old son is quite shy - when I have another child over or we go to their house, it takes him about 2 hours to warm up enough to play with that child, even if we have had playdates with that child several times in the past - of course, after 2 hours, it is then time for us to go home! I am not shy myself, so I don't know how to deal with this - I don't push him, but I wish I could help him be more comfortable.
Any suggestions?
Megan
mother of one, age 2 1/2

Dear Megan,
Repeated playdates with the same children are a good place to start. I might have repeated play with the same child several days in a row and at the same house. If the parents can manage you might also, and I don't suggest this often, stretch the playdates to three hours. If your child is warming up at the 2 hour mark, you want him to have some success. Now, this plan requires you have a good friend with a child who is willing to participate in this process. You might also take a few pictures of them when your child is warmed up and playing and then show and talk about that fun time often with your child. It is reminding him of the fun that was had.

You might also plan more playdates at places that he particularly enjoys. If he really like a particular playground plan some of your outings there. Children may be able to bond over the shared activities.

Also, realize he is only 2 1/2 years old. Many twos are still in parallel play where they play more beside someone than with them. This is more the case for boys as well. So the interactive play may still just be developing. Give it some time and continue with the play opportunities.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
blog@parentingplaygroups.com
http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/

End Homework Battles

2009-09-03T17:20:00.000-07:00

There are two homework battles you should end before they start. The two issues families struggle over most often are time and place.

To settle the time for homework, sit down with your child and a calendar. Write in when all after school activities are taking place. Consider how long homework should take each night. Put a good amount of time on the calendar each night for at least several weeks and then stick to this schedule as best as you can. Keep notes as you go about what works and what doesn't. After the first several weeks check the calendar again and make a plan moving forward. The idea here is to end the daily debates about when to get started on homework.

Another guideline related to time with homework is how long to spend each night. The best answer is to set the length of homework at the longer end of what it typically takes your child to complete. For the first two weeks record how long homework takes. If it varies from 25 to 35 minutes, plan for 35 minutes every night moving forward. On nights when assigned homework only takes 20 minutes use the other 15 for reading or another school related activity. If they get to go play as soon as they finish each night many will learn to rush through. Keeping it the same amount of time each night encourages them to slow down.

To settle the place for homework, sit down with your child and discuss the options. Think about a quiet, well lit place with a good table top for writing. This may be a counter in the kitchen or their bedroom desk. Once the place is decided stock it with all the supplies they may need. This includes pens, pencils, a highlighter, paper, notebooks, scissors, a ruler and a calendar. Again, this ends the daily debates.

Good Luck!
Dr. Rene

Interest in Reading?

2009-09-03T11:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Rene,
My second grader is a pretty good reader. She is making progress in her reading group at school but still doesn't love books the way I loved books when I was little. I was always buried in books and had a great love of reading. Is there something more I should be doing? Might this love still develop?
Sincerely, Laura
Mom of two, ages 7 and 4

Hi Laura,
It is great she is making progress in her reading group and hopefully she is on the path to be a book worm.

The first thing to know is she is still learning to read. At second grade they are still teaching phonics and patterns and rules of reading. It may be that she is still so focused on the details and the effort of reading that she isn't yet at a point to relax and just enjoy the story. Many children fall into loving the stories when reading to themselves a few years later.

There are several things you can do in the meantime. The first is read aloud to your children EVERYDAY. Read aloud for the love of reading, discuss the stories you read over dinner, read long and often. Read a wide variety, things they choose and things you choose. The goal is 20 minutes a day and this isn't time to be quizzing comprehension or testing phonics, just build a love of reading and story. NEA points to reading aloud as the best way to build successful readers.

Read aloud long past the point you thought you would. Children read to aloud through High School do better on verbal SATs than read to aloud through middle school and through middle school better than through grade school. Now, I know, to many parents the idea of reading aloud through High School sounds awkward but it won't be if you just never give it up. And be creative, if they are readers take turns by page or pick characters for each person to read about.

Also, make books available. Think books on every level of the house and some stashed in the car. Let kids stay up a little late if they are reading. Take them to browse the bookstore and the library often. Join a children's book club. Make family projects or plan family outings based on the things they read. If you read Blueberries for Sal, make blueberry muffins. Make it fun! The love of reading should follow.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
blog@parentingplaygroups.com

Back to School Tips

2009-08-31T06:56:00.000-07:00

With all of us getting in the "back to school" mode, here are six of our top tips for making a smooth and heathy transition into the school year routine.
Encourage a good night's sleep. Preschool through elementary age children are encouraged to get 10 to 12 hours of sleep overnight. Consistent bedtimes and routines can go a long way here.
Build some extra time in the morning schedule. Children benefit from a smooth, low-stress morning - don't we all! It can be helpful to build an extra 15 minutes into the morning so they have time to relax and play or look at books before heading out. This also give a bit of room if there is an upset.
Mom was right - a balanced breakfast is key to a good start. Without a good breakfast, your child can begin feeling run down by mid morning. So a good breakfast, especially if they've been a snacker over the summer months is an important start to the day.
Don't overschedule extra-curricular activities. If this is your child's transition year from preschool to full-day Kindergarten, it is recommended that you hold off on participating in after school activities until you know the impact of the longer day. Think of waiting to schedule late day activities for a month or two.
For grade schoolers, plan NOW for homework time. There are two issues to solve here to end the battles before they start:
The Time - Plan a calendar, decide when homework will be done each day and for how long at a minimum. Stick to it.
The Place - Think good lighting, access to supplies, comfortable seating and quiet.
Give them some time to chill out. As busy as the school year gets, plan for an hour of downtime everyday at any age. Downtime is unstructured playtime when the child is in charge and directs activity.

Good Children's Books By Topic

2009-08-16T10:52:00.000-07:00

New Baby
Hello Baby by Rockwell
Before You Were Born by Davis & Cornell
Julius baby of the World by Henkes

Siblings
Big Sister, Little Sister by Zolotow & Alexander
Shelia Rae the Brave by Henkes

Competition
The Mightiest by Kasza
Timothy Goes to School by Wells

Potty Training
Time to Pee by Willems
Once Upon a Potty by Frankel
Where's the Poop by Markes & Hartung
A Potty For Me by Katz
The Potty Book by Capucilli & Stott
Everyone Poops by Gomi & Stincheson

Emotions
Today I Feel Silly by Curtis
When Sophie Gets Angry, Really Really Angry by Bang
Baby Faces (board book)
Wemberly Worried by Henkes
The Way I Feel by Cain
Feelings by Aliki
How Are You Peeling by Freymann & Elffers
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Viorst & Cruz

Moving
Boomer's Big Day by McGeorge & Whyte
The Berenstain Bear's Moving Day
Big Ernie's New Home by Martin & Martin
We're Moving by Maisner & Stephenson

Death
Whisper in the Woods by Wirth & Banfill
I'll Always Love You by Wilhelm
I Miss You: A First Look at Death by Thomas & Harker
Help Me Say Goodbye (activity book) by Silverman
Sad Isn't Bad (on grief) by Mundy & Alley
Tear Soup (on grief) by Schwiebert & Deklyen

Separation Anxiety
The Kissing Hand by Penn
I Don't Want to Go to School by Pande & Voerg

Starting School
DW's Guide to Preschool by Brown
What to Expect at Preschool by Murkoff & Rader
100 Days by Wells
Tales From Hilltop School by Wells

Social Entry

2008-10-04T12:31:00.001-07:00

Social entry is how children get into ongoing play. Imagine you and your child walk into a busy preschool classroom. There are four children already playing in the housekeeping center and your child wants to join them. Social entry refers to how your child enters. It is also how you get into a conversation at a busy cocktail party.

There are a few ineffective ways to enter in. The first is the child who stands back and watches, waiting to be invited in. Unless those playing kids really, really need someone to be the dog likely your child will end up just standing alone. The other ineffective way to enter is the child who tries to take charge or change the on-going play as they enter.

It also tends to backfire if we send children in saying, "Go ask them 'Can I play?'" The power for the other children here is in saying "no" you want the power to be in saying "yes" which leads to our first tip.

Effective ways include

Coach children to ask more specific questions as they enter play. Focus on questions that give the already playing children power in saying "yes." Such questions could include "How can I play?" or "What can I be?" Here the power for the playing children is in assigning roles so they are more likely to say "yes."
Teach children to observe play first. Children will be more effective if they can join the action that is already taking place and to do this a child must know what is happening. A moment of observation can be helpful.
Teach children to offer to help. If the playing children are building a tower, your child might say, "What can I build?" or "Do you need this block?" or more openly, "How can I help?"
Coach children to compliment the children they want to join. I know this sounds a bit manipulative but it often works. if there is a group of children painting at the art table and your child walks over and says to one, "Wow, that's a pretty tree you painted! May I paint too?" the other is likely to make space.
Teach children to join ongoing play rather than change the play as they enter. Children who try to change the play as they enter usually fail. They will be more successful if they join even for five minutes before suggesting the new activity.
For children who feel shy to ask questions, it may be that they just need to physically join in the play. If there are ten children playing tag and running around, your child might just join in the running and be child eleven.

Increase Interest in Potty Training

2008-07-20T14:59:00.000-07:00

Are you thinking about potty training in the near future? Have you been at it a while but stalled in the process? Is your child "just not interested"? These tips may help.

*Let Them Observe*
If you are at all comfortable with the idea, let them observe. Children learn best through modeling and taking them in with you provides this opportunity. Let them watch and answer any questions they have. By all means, if this is uncomfortable don't do it.

*Talk Them Through*
Talking them through the process can start while you are still changing diapers. You can talk about how they poop and pee and you can label bodyparts. You can talk about how someday they will go on the potty. When they observe you in the bathroom, you can talk about all that you are doing includng flushing and washing. Once you are making the transition you can add language about "that feeling in their tummy that means they need to go."

*Read the Books & Watch the Videos*
There are many good potty training books and videos on the market. The idea is to casually mix in the books with your other story times and the videos with your viewing time.

*Change All Diapers In or Just Outside the Bathroom*
Stop changing diapers all over the house. The first benefit is that children who hadn't already may start associating the bathroom with going potty. The second benefit is that children who just don't want to stop playing to go potty have to whether they make it or not. This goes for when you are out running errands as well, find a bathroom.

*Dump or Hold Over Their Potty*
This idea also helps children to make the potty connection. Whenever you change a poopie diaper walk with the child into the bathroom and dump the poop into their potty saying "the poop goes in the potty" and then flush or clean as you would have. If it is a wet diaper, you can just hold the diaper over their potty saying "the peepee goes in the potty." I know this may create an extra step but may be helpful in the process.

*Sit and Relax*
Some children are too nervous to have success if the push is to "sit and try." If this is the case, it may be best to shift the focus to "sit and relax," sit together and talk or sing or read books or put on finger plays.

*Presenting the Potty OR Making It Their Own*
This means make the initial presenting of the potty fun. Maybe take a special shopping trip to pick out a potty or let them help choose which potty seat they like. If the potty is already out, you've been trying for a while already or they have older siblings, have a potty decorating day. You might let them put stickers on the (cleaned) lid or make a poster for the wall behind the potty, something to celebrate that the potty is now theirs.

*Descriptive Praise*
Descriptive praise works to build intrinsic motivation for behavior. In the case of potty training it sounds like, "You knew you had to go!" "You got there so fast!" and "Look, you put your poop right in the potty!" You are describing back their behavior, focused on effort and progress. This helps to give them ownership of the process.

*Underwear as an Under Layer*
For some children, diapers and pull-ups may work too well. Because these products are so absorbent children may not recognize that they are wet. If this seems to be the case, you might have them wear underwear under their pull-up or diaper. This way they get wet just not the floor.

*Take a Tour of Potties*
Start pointing out potties everywhere you go. Talk about how there are potties in restaurants, stores and in other people's homes. If there is time, you might visit the potties. We took the tour at relatives' and close family friends' houses.

Independent Play

2008-06-30T19:42:00.000-07:00

Tips for Encouraging Independent Play

* First, pinpoint any particular needy times and plan accordingly. If your childis an early riser and always in need of company at that time or if they need to reconnect when parents first return home, don't expect those to be times for independentplay.

* Try starting activities together that the child can continue alone. if your childreally enjoys and has success with puzzles, take out a stck and start together. Once the child is engaged make a trip away by saying something like, "I need tocheck on something in the kitchen, I will be back in a few minutes." Leave andreturn in just a few minutes to check in. If all is going well you might make a few encouraging comments such as, "You've gotten two whole puzzles done!" and then take another trip. As the trips get longer just be sure to continue checkingin. Children given encouragment are more likely to stick with it than if left completely alone. Many times parents try to get kids to start something independently. Thisis often less successful.

* Set aside specific times TO PLAY. Some children worry that they won't get anytime with you if they don't follow your every move and ask to play constantly. Giving them a time they can count on may aleviate this worry. It helps some ifthis play is the same time every day (think the needy times) but it can be differentas long as it is your priority.

* Give children something to do that is similar to what you are doing. If you needtime on the computer place their leappads nearby. If you need time cooking in thekitchen give them pots and pans with spoons and a little bit of water to play with.

* Explain why you need the time. Even very young children may appreciate an explanation. This can be as simple as "Mommy has a few calls to make. I need quiet for 10 minutes."

* Arrange playdates (if this is helpful). Once children are a bit older, they maywant a friend to help spend their time. You may have to have several playdates to find a mix of children that can play together nicely for more than a few minutesbut if you find that match it is priceless. For others, the playdates are never really helpful. Some need more supervision on playdates and there is no way you'dleave them alone.

* Create a space that builds on their interests. If your child is very into picturebooks make a cozy reading corner that invites them in. Big beanbags, a low faceout book shelf, maybe a tape player for books on tape and a few related things like puppets.

* Limit TV and screentime. When parents hear this many of them argue, "But this is their independent time!" While children are viewing they are being otherwiseentertained and learning nothing about independent play. They are learning to bemore dependent.

* Boredom is a good thing. Many parent worry about their children being bored whenleft to play alone. This boredom is what sparks creativity, allows children to explore their interests and leads to better quality independent play. It is goodfor kids to have real downtime. At a minimum think an hour a day of unstructuredjust go play time. Time when they are in charge of what to do next.

Difficult Transitions

2008-04-28T19:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Hackney,

I have two 18-month-old boys and want to know a good way to transition them from one task to another, especially when they don't want to end the initial task. For example, when they have to leave a fun activity to go home, I find that at this age, giving a five minute warning doesn't seem to work since they don't grasp time. My goal is to minimize tantrums and blow-ups.

Thanks,
Annie
Mother of two 18-month-old boys

Dear Annie,

There are lots of ways to calm transitions. While you are right, they don’t grasp time, giving a five minute warning can be helpful. If when you say “five minutes” you actually mean five minutes and stick to it, they will learn what this means, and it becomes helpful long before they can tell time. If when you say “five minutes” you sometimes mean five minutes and sometimes mean twenty minutes, the warning is meaningless.

As long as you are consistent, you can use a song to let them know it is time to go. We had a family at our office that sang the Jeopardy jiggle with their two-year-old when it was about time to leave. They would hold a hand and rock a bit while they sang, and by the end of the tune, they would be waving good-bye. Their child was always tickled by the song.

You might also create a “goodbye ritual” such as whenever it is time to leave, we will high-five those we are leaving behind. This means you have to find someone to high-five which may be awkward among strangers, but it gives the boys something to actively do when it is time to leave.

You might have luck giving them responsibilities as you go. Asking one to be the bag carrier or the door holder gets them proactively involved in the moment. This idea of contribution helps to bypass power struggles.

When it is possible, you might allow them to take something with them as they leave. This might be easiest when you are leaving your own house and transitioning out. If they were busy with building blocks, taking one along for the ride might make parting easier.

Empathy might be helpful in these moments. Saying, “Wow, you are frustrated. You don’t want to leave,” may help to calm the brewing tantrum. When we validate emotions children tend to calm.

You might also give them choices about how to leave. Once it is time, you might say, “Do you want to hop or stomp to the car?” or “Do you want to hold my hand or my pocket while we go?” Choices give children an out and avoid the need for discipline.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/

5 Year Old Control Issue

2008-04-27T20:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Hackney,

My daughter is five-years-old and on the stubborn side. Her room is very tiny, and she needs more play space, particularly for a dollhouse Santa brought. I told her my plans: Container Store designed an Elfa closet with play space and shelves on the bottom half, leaving the top half for clothes. We bought it.

I would like to take off the closet doors and hang some Pottery Barn flowing curtains that can be hooked back for play time as the sliding doors block a lot of access. She already has had yelling fits whenever I it is brought up. She does not want the doors off or it changed at all. I tried to include her in the purchasing of items. If I do it when she is not home, she might tear down the curtains and dump all the doll baskets out. What kind of control issue is this? Should she be able to decide about "her" room? If she were older, I would think so, but at five? We talked about things she gets choice over, and things she doesn't. What is this all about? And, what should I try?

Thanks,
Lori
Mother of two, ages five- and eight-years-old

Dear Lori,

I know it seems like a small deal to switch doors for curtains, and from your mom perspective, it would only be beneficial. Clearly, from your daughter’s perspective, this is wrong on both counts.

There are several rather predictable stages in a move towards independence. Around two- or three-years-old, many children go through a stage of wanting to do everything for themselves. Around five or six, they want more say over their schedule, their routines, and the structure of their day. At nine or ten, there is a push for physical independence. They don’t want to sit at your feet during their sibling’s soccer game; they want to sit away and with their friends. Around twelve or thirteen, there is a push for increased privacy. They need things you don’t know fully about. That push at five or six may very much be what this is about. It is a time to let them pick their clothes and decorate their room. It is a time to provide them more choice about their activities and the order of their days.

With that said, you may still have some luck by giving her choices about the curtains. Take her to a fabric store, encourage her to browse, and once she finds a few things she likes, suggest that she might want to pick one of those to be her cabinet curtains. Then, let her pick the material. You might end up with bright purple and fuzzy rather than flowing and yellow, but the access would be gained.

I would not simply make the changes when she is not home. She would likely have bad feelings about that cabinet for some time to come.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/

Playful at the Dinnertable

2008-04-24T14:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Hackney,

My nearly three year old daughter, Natalie, is a picky eater. Actually, she'll eat a variety of foods, but only after I literally beg her to try the first bite. For example, we'll sit at dinner with chicken and salad; she’s eaten chicken a million times. But, she will sit and eat the tomatoes out of her salad and nothing else until I beg her to try one piece of chicken, just to show her that it is something she likes. Once she tries it, she finishes her plate.

The other day, she wouldn't try turkey; although, she has had it before and liked it. Jokingly, I said, "Ok, don't eat the turkey." Sure enough, she put it in her mouth. Again, I said "Please don't eat all this turkey," and she ate it all. So, if I tell her not to eat, she'll eat until she’s full.

Dinner times can be stressful because of either the exchange or lack of eating altogether. When she doesn’t eat, she is distracted by other things and wants to get down. This is disruptive for everyone at mealtime. Although, since we’ve started this “reverse psychology” technique, dinners have been much better.

I've tried letting her not eat and be hungry, hoping that the next time she will eat. But that doesn't seem to have worked. Am I shooting myself in the foot by sabotaging later discipline efforts?

Thank you,
Abigail
Mother of two, ages two and six months

Hi Abigail,

I think you are fine here. As long as you keep it a playful tone and in fun, it is not likely to be confused with times when you mean no. Also, when it loses its appeal, which someday it will, it won’t feel like its’ turned into pressure or frustration. In fact, to make it last longer, don't do it at every meal or, better yet, every day. The more it can be an intermittent tactic, the longer it should last. I am all about making food fun and being playful. The more they enjoy mealtimes, the more they should be relaxed about eating. That said, one should steer clear of pressure to eat but this doesn’t feel like pressure to me.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/

Life Lessons at 2

2008-04-23T19:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Hackney,

I am writing to ask if your classes cover how to teach toddlers, more specifically - the parents, the important “rules?” Our 2 ½ year-old son decided to leave the house alone to find me after I left to walk the dog. Someone was definitely looking over us tonight as a policeman found him. I know that how we handled the situation did not sync-in, and he doesn't realize the gravity of the situation. We have worked on how to ensure he cannot go out of the house without someone, but how do we teach the "life" lessons that are so important?

Please let me know if there is a specific class that helps to address this or if you can help us with private counseling.

Regards,
Maura
Mother of 2 ½ year-old son

Dear Maura,

I wish I had a better answer for you, but no matter how you handle a situation like this, a 2 1/2 year-old may not realize the gravity of it. They have little to no appreciation for the "what ifs" in life and only a slight sense of past and future happenings.

With that said, it can be helpful to keep your emotional response of fear and worry in these moments. If you shift to anger (which many folks do), you may lose impact as they see you angry far more often than they see you afraid or worried.

You might also try to replay the positive behaviors; this means saying, "You ask before you open the doors" and then practicing him asking to open the exterior doors. Do this repeatedly, and remind him every time he goes to open a door to the outside. When he does finally remember to ask, reinforce by saying, "You asked, that is the safe thing to do!" This isn't insurance that it will work every time, nothing is, but it may go a long way toward lessening the behavior.

Work hard to ensure he can't get out again; think high placed locks.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/

Aggressive 2 Year Old

2008-04-22T19:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Hackney,

I attended your Positive Discipline class. Every time Sean (22 months) goes to hit someone, I say, "Hands down: hitting hurts" while holding his hands down. He seems to find this funny and just laughs every time I do it. Once his hands are free; he hits again. I don't feel like I am getting anywhere.

No matter how much I practice the "I" messages and empathy, he seems to overlook all that and go for the jugular. For example, he is transitioning to the two's class at daycare. Today, he was very upset about this, and as soon as we got to the class room, he starting trying to hit a little girl that came over to play with him. I practiced the positive discipline technique described above to no avail. I am realizing that Sean is a very willful child, but I need to be able to rein in this aggressive behavior. Any other ideas would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Jennifer
Mother of one, 22 months

Dear Jennifer,

The I messages and empathy at this little age are to build emotion language and to calm the caregiver. They don't tend to have a big impact on behavior until a bit later (3s) when children better understand their impact on others and reflect a bit on behavior. With that said, keep using the language because eventually you want him to use the language rather than the hitting, so he benefits from the continued modeling.

Right now, it is curbing such as "hands down" in a firm tone. If you can get in front of the behavior so to curb before it happens each time all the better; this means, expect it rather than be surprised. You could be coaching him as he approaches another to "be gentle."

The idea is also to coach and practice the better behaviors out of the moment when no one is hurting. So, tonight when you tuck him in, you might say, "I am touching you in a gentle way. Be gentle," while you touch his arm softly. Then say, "Can you touch mommy gentle?" (Hopefully) "Yes, that's gentle! I like when you are gentle." You are actively teaching a gentle touch. Do this every few days with similar language, and then start to incorporate that language as you coach in the moment; as he approaches a new friend, you might say, "Be gentle, gentle touches," and, hopefully, you are ready to say, "Hands down," and curb before it actually occurs. But you can't really start that and expect it to be effective until he gets the basic concept.

You might also add a bit of a consequence, such as when the hitting does happen to immediately move away from the activity at hand. Your language of consequence may be lost on him at that moment, but the actual follow through if it happens consistently may help to lessen the behavior. This means, if he hits someone in the block center, he is moved out and away from that center, sending the message "if you hit you must move to a different activity."

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/

Cursing

2008-03-24T20:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Hackney,

Earlier this week, my six year old son was playing Legos, and when the tower he wasworking on fell over, he said "Oh F---!" I fairly calmly called him over and said something like "What did you say?" and then "Where did you hear that?" Of course, he said "From you!" We reap what we sow, eh? Anyway, I proceeded to tell him that it's about the worst word ever and that he must not ever say it again. He definitely understood my point.

So, this morning in the car with his dad and a classmate, out of nowhere he said "Oh F---." I forgot to tell my husband about the earlier time, so he didn't know our son already had been made aware of how unacceptable this is. My husband didn't make a big deal but basically said what I did (it's really bad; don't use it). I'm guessing you'd advise not to make a big deal out of it too, but what do we say to him to hopefully keep him from saying it again?

Sincerely,
Heather
Mother of two, ages 4 and 6 years

Dear Heather,

I know this is not funny at all when it is your own child. I have heard both my girls say a quick curse under their breath with my intonation. With that said, the first and most important way to curb this is to stop saying it yourself. There is little way to undo on-going modeling. You can lecture every day and then say it once, and all the good talk is gone. I now say "Oh Flip!" a lot.

Consensus says to not make a big deal. If you make a big deal you reinforce the power of the word and likely reinforce it to happen again. A big deal can add to the intrigue. He is old enough for you to introduce other-oriented consequences. Calmly and out of the moment, you might say, "Other parents won't like it if their children learn that word. They might not want you to play together." You might wait to see if it happens again before you take this approach, so you are not bringing it up if he's moved on. But, that is your call. Is he the type of child to move on? Other-oriented consequences highlight the impact for the child socially or the impact his behavior has on others. As children get to be five and six years old, the importance of social exchange should start to kick in.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.

Hitting at 22 months

2008-03-18T19:46:00.001-07:00

Dear Dr. Hackney,

I attended your Positive Discipline class. Every time Sean (22 months) goes to hit someone, I say, "Hands down: hitting hurts" while holding his hands down. He seems to find this funny and just laughs every time I do it. Once his hands are free; he hits again. I don't feel like I am getting anywhere.

No matter how much I practice the "I" messages and empathy, he seems to overlook all that and go for the jugular. For example, he is transitioning to the two's class at daycare. Today, he was very upset about this, and as soon as we got to the class room, he starting trying to hit a little girl that came over to play with him. I practiced the positive discipline technique described above to no avail. I am realizing that Sean is a very willful child, but I need to be able to rein in this aggressive behavior. Any other ideas would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Jennifer, mother of son age 22 months

Hi Jennifer,

The I messages and empathy at this little age are to build emotion language and to calm the caregiver. They don't tend to have a big impact on behavior until a bit later (3s) when children better understand their impact on others and reflect a bit on behavior. With that said, keep using the language because eventually you want him to use the language rather than the hitting, so he benefits from the continued modeling.

Right now, it is curbing such as "hands down" in a firm tone. If you can get in front of the behavior so to curb before it happens each time all the better; this means, expect it rather than be surprised.

You could be coaching him as he approaches another to "be gentle." The idea is to first coach and practice the better behaviors out of the moment when no one is hurting. So, tonight when you tuck him in, you might say, "I am touching you in a gentle way. Be gentle," while you touch his arm softly. Then say, "Can you touch mommy gentle?" (Hopefully) "Yes, that's gentle! I like when you are gentle." You are actively teaching a gentle touch. Do this every few days with similar language, and then start to incorporate that language as you coach in the moment; as he approaches a new friend, you might say, "Be gentle, gentle touches," and, hopefully, you are ready to say, "Hands down," and curb before it actually occurs. But you can't really start that and expect it to be effective until he gets the basic concept.

You might also add a bit of a consequence, such as when the hitting does happen to immediately move away from the activity at hand. Your language of consequence may be lost on him at that moment, but the actual follow through if it happens consistently may help to lessen the behavior. This means, if he hits someone in the block center, he is moved out and away from that center, sending the message "if you hit you must move to a different activity."

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.

Rushed Mornings

2008-03-17T20:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Hackney,

I have three children, and each morning, it is a struggle to get them off to school without losing my cool. We pick out clothes the night before, I wake them up with about 90 minutes before we have to leave, breakfast is finished and kids are usually dressed with at least 30 minutes before departure, teeth are brushed, no TV in the morning, which leaves them a little time to play. I give them a 5-10 minute warning before we have to head outside to the bus stop. After the five minutes, I have to ask them to put shoes on (repeatedly), coats (repeatedly), hats, gloves, etc. During this time, at least one is wanting a drink, the other very engrossed in a book, Legos, or simply not paying attention, or the little guy needs a diaper change. This is where my blood pressure starts to race and my voice rises, and no one is listening as I am rushing everyone out the door. What can I do to make the mornings easier aside from having them put their coats andshoes on at the 15 minute mark? Oh ,and during all this time, I have to get myself fed, dressed, and use the potty. I feel like my energy is already spent before my day has really begun. Any suggestions for managing my frustration and making morning more peaceful are truly appreciated.

Sincerely,
Patricia
Mother of three, ages 2, 4 and 6 years

Dear Patricia,

This is a case of “physician heal thyself.” As much as I know what to do, we all have rushed mornings at least occasionally.

There are several things that may be helpful in these moments. Not that you need less sleep, but you might get yourself dressed and fed before you wake them. This would free up your time to be with and to help them move along. You said they often have a full 30 minutes to play, so you could even just wake them a bit later to give yourself this time.

While it wouldn’t work for coats and hats, you could add shoes to the initial getting dressed routine. Every little bit helps.

At the 10 minute mark, I would ask, “Does anyone need to potty or have a drink? This is the time for going potty.” Or, you could have them each try the potty while in transition from pajamas to being dressed for the day.

If they are buried in Legos or eyes glazed over looking out the window, they may not even hear you, let alone know you are speaking to them directly. Before asking them to put on coats or shoes, be sure you have their attention. Say their name, touch their arm, get down on their level, gain eye contact, whisper, flick the lights or something to be sure you have their attention before you speak. If you don’t have their attention, of course, you are going to have to repeat yourself. The repetition itself is frustrating.

Along the same lines, stop repeating yourself. Every time you do, you are actively teaching them to not listen and instead to wait you out. If you say things five times over, you are teaching them you are willing to say things five times over. They are learning to wait you out at least that long, if not longer tomorrow. With that said, they are not going to magically listen the first time. This has been a habit shaped between you and your children for a long time; it takes real effort to fix. So, if tomorrow you decide to say things once “Please put on your shoes,” and they don’t listen, bite your tongue and take the shoes to the child or the child to the shoes and help them to listen. Over time, you are teaching them that you are only going to say things once, and you actually expect them to listen. This is a far better habit to be in than all the repetition, and it should be less frustrating. Be warned, while in the long run this will save you much time and energy, it is going to initially slow the process, so start early.

To get them moving, you might also offer choices in the process. “Would you like the red shoes or the blue?” “Do you want to put on your coat yourself or with help?” Choices encourage children to buy into the behavior.

As hard as it is, you might have success with making things more fun and more playful. You might say “Let’s see if you can get on your coats before mommy.” “Let’s sing ‘We’re Going on a Bear Hunt’ while we get ready.” Distraction can still work wonders at four and six years old, if it is a fun distraction.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.

Excuses for Sleep

2008-03-15T19:00:00.001-07:00

Hello Dr. Hackney,

I have a 3 ½ year old and a 2 ½ year who share a room. We have a bedtime routine of bath time and reading two to three books. My husband and I then try to put our kids to bed by 8:15. The problem we are having is once we put our kids in their beds, they try to come up with every excuse not to go to sleep. They cry, they ask us for milk, they want to tell us something, and then they repeatedly get out of their beds for about an hour. My husband I try to be firm and put them back in bed. We also will try to comfort them when they are upset. Do you have any suggestions they could help with our getting them to go to bed?

Thanks for your help,
Tricia Eckert, mother of two

Hi Tricia,

Consistency may be the key. Right now, you “try” to put them back in bed, and other times, you comfort when they are upset. They are likely finding ways to either keep you in the room or at least keep your attention.

Proactively, you might lay some ground rules, such as they can have one cup of water by the bed but no getting up or having milk. You might also do a bed check by asking, “Before we tuck in for the night, is there anything else you need?”

If you decide to repeatedly put them back to bed, you must do this in a consistent and low-key way to curb behavior. Being a broken record in these moments requires you to develop a mantra and maintain your cool. The broken record repeats itself with no changes in delivery. This is seen as being one of the better ways to break your child’s habit of getting out of bed over and over again. When we switched my daughter Alicen from the crib to a toddler bed, she got out over forty times before she fell asleep the first night. Each time, I said in the same tone, “You must stay in bed,” and guided her back in the same way. The second night, in took about twenty times, and the third night, it then took eight, and it was over. Occasionally, that behavior came back, but with a consistent response, it never seemed out of hand again. Be warned, if you are going to lose your cool at time seventeen, don’t even start. What happens if you get to time seventeen and then yell at the child, take them roughly back to bed or stop to comfort them? You reinforce the behavior because they got your attention. Seventeen is the new goal if not longer because they found your breaking point.

You might also try to reinforce the behavior you are looking for. At the end of the bedtime routine, as you tuck them in bed and say, “If you are laying down and quiet, I will come in and pat your back.” Leave the room, but if they are laying down and quiet, go back in within a minute or two, and pat their back. Do this with little language, and stay less than 30 seconds, and then state, “If you are laying down and quiet, I’ll be back to pat again.” Each time, stay gone a bit longer. We did this years ago, and I still check on the girls every 15 minutes or so to pat. It doesn’t have to be patting, it can be to “sit with you, rub your back,” or whatever you think would work best.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.

Teach Sharing

2008-03-12T20:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Hackney,

What are the best ways to foster sharing among toddlers? There is "taking turns" and there is taking the toy away if they can't share it, but I'm wondering if there are other techniques as well.

Thank you!
Blog Reader, February 2008

Dear Reader,

Under three years-old, your best bet is to focus on turn-taking. Sharing is an abstract thing. No one really has full ownership, and everyone might all touch at the same time. This can be hard for toddlers to manage. Turn-taking is much more concrete - I have it to myself for a while, then you have it to yourself. If I am patient, I can have another turn when you are done.

If your child is having difficulty with turn-taking, you might more actively practice. If he is playing at the train table when you come in the playroom, you could pick up an unused train and say out loud, “Wow! The green engine. I am going to take a turn with this train.” If he wants the green one immediately, you can say, “Oh, you would like a turn? I am taking a turn but will be done in just a minute, and you can have the next turn.” Role the train for just a bit longer, and then say, “I am done; you can have a turn now.” You might add, “When you are done, can I have another turn?” Then when he is done, if he remembers to give it back you, say, “You remembered I wanted a turn; that was thoughtful!” If he forgets, you say, “Oh, remember I want the next turn,” and prompt him to hand it to you. Again, this can take some time.

Whenever you find yourself sharing something with your child, describe to them what you are doing. “Look at mommy! I am sharing my yogurt with you. I was eating yogurt, and you want some, so I am sharing!”

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.

Bossy Children

2008-03-10T18:52:00.001-07:00

Dear Dr. Hackney,

How does one curb in a child who always is trying to boss around other children and is telling them what to do, how to do it, when to do it and so on?

Thank You!
Blog Reader, February 2008

Dear Reader,

You might try to give her more productive ways to be a leader, such as putting her in charge of clean-up or letting her decide who sits where at the dinner table. Other times during the day, you can say, “Thank you, but this is not your job. Your job today was seat-assigner. You were really helpful at that.”

You also might try to implement Stanley Greenspan’s Floortime which is a specific type of parent-child play that is to be practiced 20 minutes per day. Floortime gives children a chance to be the leaders in play. When playing this game, it may give her leadership voice an outlet that you can live with better.

In other moments of bossiness, you might model the language you would prefer she use. This means if she tells another child, “Chrissy, you need to move over here and play with this doll!” You might say, “Well, let’s ask Chrissy. Chrissy, do you want to sit here and play with this doll?” Then turn to your child and suggest, “That would be a nice way to ask Chrissy.” As you are going to review this often over time, it is best to go at it in a light way not heavy, meaning this is not a time for consequences. If you intervene often when she is being bossy and redirect her to asking from telling, hopefully, she will pick up on the preferred approach.

You might also have a related discussion later in the day to reinforce the new language. As you tuck her in bed, you might say, “Today, when Chrissy was here to play, did you hear mommy ask her if she wanted to move and play with another doll? I think Chrissy likes being asked to move rather than being told to move. What do you think?”

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.

Second Snack at School

2008-03-03T19:27:00.000-08:00

Dear Dr. Hackney,

My daughter Maggie brings a snack to school for half-day Kindergarten. She usually brings water and a granola bar. She has discovered that her teacher has snacks for kids who forget their snack. These are sometimes more inviting than hers (chocolate Teddy Grams today). Occasionally, Maggie is eating her snack and then telling the teacher she doesn't have one or doesn’t like the one she brought and gets another one.

I’m concerned because Maggie and I are in the midst of an ongoing dialogue, argument, about food, which I know is not a good dynamic. When I approached the teacher, she just laughed about it and said she knew Maggie just wanted the other snack. I don't want to set up a dynamic where she is eating two snacks or a power issue around food between Maggie and me.

Sincerely,
Karen
Mother of two, ages 3 and 5 years

Dear Karen,
My first comment is you are right; you don't want to be arguing about food intake with Maggie. It is not a good pattern and can easily send a wide variety of wrong messages about foods. It also opens the door to food as a battle ground in general.

I also think it is fine that you want her to have just one snack and you want it to be the snack you provide. It seems your issue here should be more with the teacher and less with Maggie. You are well within your rights to ask the teacher to give Maggie a snack only on the days you actually forget. Otherwise, I would make it clear (nicely and out of Maggie's earshot) that you want her to be offered what you provide and not a second choice or snack. You can blame it easily on that she's not eating as much of her lunch (or dinner) because she is filling up on the snacks. You can also assert that you are trying to focus on healthy choices without making it a big issue with Maggie and the extra or replacement snacks are undermining your efforts. Again, this is with the teacher not Maggie. It is best if Maggie is not a part of this process. Hopefully, the teacher will just remind her by saying, "Oh, you already have your snack today" or "If you have something from home that is your snack."

To help your cause, shake up things by providing a variety of snacks from day to day. Try to be fun, and ask Maggie to make some choices about what snack should be.

If the teacher laughs again when you bring it up, you can say, "No, really..." And ask for her to support you and, hopefully, not to blame you when she is not sharing those snacks as often.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.

Bribes to Eat Vegis

2008-03-02T20:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Dr. Hackney,

My six year old daughter is a very picky eater. We bribe her to eat vegetables and end up negotiating over food at every meal. This doesn’t feel right, but it seems the only way to get her to eat. Please help!

Sincerely,
Janice
Mother of three, ages six, three and one years old

Dear Janice,

Wow, this sounds frustrating! I can imagine that dinner is not an enjoyable time in your house. While I know there can be a great push to encourage children to eat, the pressure likely will backfire. The more pressure, the less likely they are to eat those foods willingly the next go around. When you bribe a child by saying, “If you eat your broccoli, you can have some applesauce,” you are agreeing with her. Your bribe sends the message, “Broccoli stinks! You should be rewarded for eating it.” The next time broccoli is presented, she is LESS likely to eat it because it was an obstacle in the way of applesauce. Applesauce is a more sought after food because it was preferred and is now a reward.

The answer is to avoid bribery all together. As a general guideline, parents are in charge of what is offered, and children are in charge of what and how much of that they eat. Following this, parents offer a wide range of healthy choices for breakfast, lunch, snacks and dinner. Once it is on their plate, children get to pick and choose. If you find your child still isn’t eating vegetables, you still don’t force her. You are in charge of what is offered, so you offer more vegetables in a wider range of ways. You might offer a vegetable omelet for breakfast, vegetables with dip for snack, or grilled vegetable sandwich for lunch, etc.

I think it is fine to hide ingredients. Make zucchini bread, and call it magic bread. Shred broccoli under the cheese on pizza. This is also a fine time to practice contribution. The more children are choosing the vegetables at the store, washing them in the sink and scooping them to the plate, the more likely they are to eat them.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.

refuses to poop on potty

2008-02-10T09:59:00.000-08:00

Dear Dr. Hackney,

My 3 ½ year-old son is consistently potty-trained for pee but continues to want diapers for poop. If we refuse diapers, he soils his underwear. What do we do to help him along?

Sincerely,
Maya
Mother of one, three years old

Dear Maya,

First, realize this is NOT an uncommon problem.

Second, relax a little. The “potties without pressure” approach, which is currently supported by the American Academy of Pediatrics, suggests that potty-training progress at the child’s pace. This means if the child expresses he is not ready to move forward, then the parent slows the process.

Following this approach, the average age for successful potty-training is three years old. Three years old is described as “average” as girls tend to be ready earlier (two and a half to three), boys often later (three to three and a half). In this particular case, the child is well within normal limits for potty-training.

It is suggested that children who are otherwise potty-trained but continue to want a diaper for bowel movements be given one and then cleaned and changed as usual. By all means, applaud the successes of the child peeing in the potty but allow for diapers when they are specifically requested with as little negative emotion as possible. If you must comment, say something as mild as, “I am glad you let me know you need a diaper. I know when you are ready, you’ll do that in the potty as well.”

You can gently encourage progress by allowing children to observe you or willing siblings in the bathroom, talking them through the process and mixing in potty oriented storybooks and videos with your other media. You can also take a wet or soiled diaper, with the child in tow, and empty the poop or place the wet diaper into their little potty while saying, “See, this goes in here.” Then empty and clean the potty as you usually would. For some children, this provides a beneficial cognitive connection between their bodily functions and the expectations of potty-training.

The potties without pressure approach defines the parent’s role as recognizing signs of readiness and offering lots of support and encouragement along the way. Signs of readiness include potty talk (“I peed,” or “I go poop.”), potty play (dolls going potty or trucks getting diapers), an awareness of body parts and functions, longer dry times or more predictable bowel movements, increased imitation in play, ability to follow three-step directions (“Go to the kitchen, get your shoes and meet me by the door.”) and an interest in learning the new set of skills.

This approach identifies several signs that children are NOT ready for potty-training. Children who resist the process and protest the practice loudly are likely not ready to proceed. Children who hide to potty are likely not quite ready. It seems to many parents that children must be ready as they are able to recognize they need to go and actually get somewhere to do it. This is seen as a sign that they are physically ready, just not emotionally ready. Children who sit for a while and then stand nearby to poop or pee on the floor may be feeling too tense while sitting on the potty. If this is the case, it is suggested that parents encourage children to “sit and relax” rather than “sit and try.” The language of “sit and try” may make children nervous and when one is nervous and has tight muscles, it is hard to go potty. Once these children get off the potty, they relax and then, unfortunately, void nearby.

Overall, recognize the signs of readiness and provide lots of support and opportunities for success at the child’s pace.
Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.

Learn Thru Play

2008-02-04T20:17:00.000-08:00

Dear Dr. Hackney,

Our four year-old is scheduled to start Kindergarten in the fall of 2008. We want her to be ready. Should we encourage her to “learn through play” or introduce academics?

Sincerely,
Rina, Mother of one
Four years-old

Dear Rina,

You can and should be doing both. The idea of “learning through play” is the most appropriate approach to teaching young children prior to school entry. This approach is likely to capture their interest and keep them involved in the learning process. Unfortunately though, many parents assume this means just letting their children go play and, as a result, their children will learn what they need for later school success. By all means, learning through play should be more structured and incorporate academic ideas.

In the years before Kindergarten, learning through play might include activities to teach the alphabet shapes and sounds. The focus is just on keeping the process fun. You can name a ‘Letter of the Week.’ It’s often best to start with the first letter of your child’s name, and then, plan lots of fun activities around that letter. For example, if your child’s name begins with the letter “A” you could have an A-hunt in the grocery store, finding all the upper and/or lower case letters you can. You could make a jar collection of all the small things you can find that start with that letter. You could plan an A-meal day, offering at least one food that starts with A at each meal. You can trace, cut and paint the letter. Then pick another letter the next week.

I would not expect many four year-olds to want to sit and listen to how to write a letter and then repeatedly practice in the same way. Likely, they would be bored or easily frustrated by this approach, and you are sure to lose them before you are half-way through the alphabet. This is the same with the rote use of flashcards or over-reliance on workbook pages.

Teaching numbers and early math concepts can be equally successful using the more playful approach. You can count fun things; then, write the number next to the fun things you just counted. You can introduce money and count change together. You can teach one to one correspondence through setting the table or matching pairs of socks. It is helpful to remember that math is far more than numbers at this young age. Preschool math concepts also include measuring time, space and weight, sorting, categorizing, grouping, seeing and creating patterns, recognizing shapes and matching.

And relax! Most children are more than ready for Kindergarten. Our public schools open their doors to children with a very wide range of life experience and academic learning. On the first day of school, there will be a few Kindergarteners who are just learning their letters and a few others who can already read independently, but most of the children will fall somewhere in between. Of course, the more ready they are the better, but keep it fun. The learning through play approach helps insure that children will be interested in the learning process far past their year in Kindergarten.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parneting Playgroups, Inc.

Forced Apologies

2008-02-03T21:34:00.000-08:00

Dear Dr. Hackney,

When my child does something that upsets or hurts another child, I want him to apologize. He may apologize but often is resistant, and it ends up in a big argument between us. How can we instill a sense of empathy for others and encourage apologies?

Sincerely,
Anna, mother of two
Ages three and four years old

Dear Anna,

What you are describing is a forced apology. If you are a parent who suggests to your child that they apologize and then they do, that is not forced. Forced apologies happen in one of two ways. Either the child is angry and resists having to apologize or the child is embarrassed and hesitant to apologize. In both cases, the child’s own negative emotions often get in the way of developing a sense of empathy.

If your child is angry and not feeling sorry about what happened and you force the apology, the result is predictable. Your angry child likely will storm over to the other, bark “SORRY!” and leave abruptly. Rather than teaching your child to feel empathy, this situation seems to provoke feelings in the opposite direction. Your child may actually resent the other child more for his role in this interaction. Your child also learns that saying sorry, even if he doesn’t mean it, is enough to fix a wrongdoing.

If your child is embarrassed by the idea of having to apologize but is forced to do so, the result differs but is just as predictable. With a push, your child may slowly approach the other child and then quietly say “sorry,” while fighting back tears. Empathy requires the child to focus on the thoughts and feeling of another. When a child is embarrassed, he is thinking mostly of himself which inhibits the development of empathy.

Rather than force an apology from an angry or embarrassed child, you will have more success building a sense of empathy and teaching the language of sincere apologies through modeling. In the case of anger, take your child with you and say something like, “I am so sorry he did that. I would like to make it better.” Here, the parent is speaking for himself. The parent is sorry, the child is not.

In the case of embarrassment, take your child with you and say something like, “He is so sorry. He would like to make it better.” The child actually is sorry, just reluctant to address it. Your child will have the benefit of hearing a sincere apology and optimally will be able to focus on the feelings of the other child rather than his own.

On the opposite end of this continuum, some children readily apologize just to be finished with the conflict. I have heard my own seven year-old saying, “Sorry, sorry, please don’t tell mom, sorry!” while reaching to take a toy out of her sister’s hand. Here, a way to shape true apologies is to teach children to feel it, say it and fix it. This requires teaching children to focus on their feelings of remorse and recognizing when they should apologize. It often requires modeling the language of sincere apologies. This idea adds the idea of then teaching children to take some action or make some amends.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.

Grandparent in Hospital

2008-02-01T05:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Dr. Hackney,

My four year old has a very close relationship with my parents. Recently, my mother has been hospitalized and has a poor prognosis. What do we tell our son about my mother’s situation and about my father being sad and preoccupied during our visits? Is it okay for him to visit grandma in the hospital?

Sincerely,
Hillary
Mother of one, age four years

Dear Hillary,

I am sorry to hear of your mother’s prognosis. The idea is to be as honest as you can with your son without overwhelming him. You might let him know that “Grandma is very sick. She is going into the hospital, and the doctors are trying to make her well.” You might follow this by giving him ample time to ask questions. Try to answer any questions he has without giving too much information. If you avoid answering questions, children often come up with their own answers which can be worse than the truth. If you give too much information, it can add to their worries.

If it is okay with your parents and the hospital, it is fine to take your son to visit. You would do well to fully explain beforehand what he can expect during the visit. Let him know about IVs and other machinery in grandma’s room. Let him know that the nurses check on grandma every once in a while and about the other adults if she shares a room.

It is also fine to let your son know that “Grandpa is sad a lot these days. He really misses grandma not being at home and wants her to get well.” It might be helpful for your child to be able to take some action to help others in this situation. You might ask him if he would like to draw pictures for grandma and grandpa or take flowers to the hospital.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.

Recognizes Letters

2008-01-31T04:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Dr. Hackney,

My four year old son recognizes all of his upper and lower case letters. What is the next step?

Sincerely,
Karen
Mother of two, ages four and three years

Dear Karen,

That is great he recognizes his letters. The next step, if he is interested, is to pair the letter shapes with their sounds. This means when he finds an “A” you say, “Yes, that is an ‘A;’ the ‘A’ makes the ‘Aaaa’ sound like ‘aaaapple’ or the ‘Eeh’ sound like ‘aaaacorn’” Then, you might think of all the words you know that start like apple or acorn. Strive to make this learning fun. You might go for a letter hunt in the grocery store by finding all the things you can that start with the B sound, and then really stress the B sound when you say, “Yes that is a BUHnana.”

To reinforce the shapes and pairings, you might also play some upper and lower case matching games such as Memory or Go Fish with pairs.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.

Missing Preschool Days

2008-01-29T21:07:00.000-08:00

Dear Dr. Hackney,

My four year old son, Nathan, is a very picky eater. I have read and tried all sorts of different tactics... unsuccessfully. I'm sure some (possibly much) is control related, but I'm not sure some of the issue isn't sensory.

I learned of a Picky Eater Group through a local private practice. They claim this class is geared exactly for kids like Nathan, and I'm ready to try anything. However, they have changed the times of the class, and it is now offered during Nathan's class time at preschool. He is in four half-days a week and would miss one day of school each week for the eight weeks that the class runs. I would like your opinion on whether you think I should enroll in the Picky Eater Group. Would that be too disruptive missing school? His eating issues have not impacted his health, and the pediatrician is convinced it is all a control thing. But it impacts my life greatly because he can't sit down to a regular meal. My goal is to get him eating the same food as the rest of the family. I hope to learn as much from the group as he does.

Sincerely,
Elaine
Mother of two, ages 1 and 4 years old

Dear Elaine,

Take the specialized class! It is preschool, and missing one day a week for eight weeks will be fine. The potential benefits far outweigh the extra day in preschool. I wouldn't try to make it back for that one hour a day - no need to wear everyone out for one hour, and he and you both may need time to relax following the group.

I also wouldn't make the fact that he is missing school for a day each week to do this a big deal with him. If the group isn't fun, then he has another point to his argument for not going - that he is missing preschool. Just put it on the calendar as the plan for the day rather than thinking there is a debate to be had over attendance.
Good Luck with this!

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.

starting school

2008-01-28T20:42:00.000-08:00

Dear Dr. Hackney,

I need your help!!! My six year old daughter Amy is having some anxiety related to starting school soon. She has been having difficulty going to bed at night; this seems to be the only time it manifests itself. As soon as I move to leave the room, she starts fidgeting and says she needs to go to the bathroom. When we return to her room, she says she has to go again. Last night, we stopped the whole process and talked to her about what will happen the first day of school and also explained we are meeting her teacher next week. Is it too much to expect to have her get on the bus the first day? I worry that if she doesn't do it the first day I'm setting her up to depend on me everyday. She has a very good friend who will be riding the bus with her, but I'm not sure that will be enough to motivate her. We are thinking we may look into therapy to help her deal with anxieties.

Thanks, Samantha
Mother of two, ages 3 and 6 years

Dear Samantha,

I am sorry to hear this has been hard already. My older daughter had very similar nights (and mornings) when she was a bit younger. I'm going to write about the global things first, then more practical.

Between now and the time school starts, think lots of downtime and empathy. Downtime is unscheduled, low key playtime. It is fine to have friends over and to go out, but I wouldn't run everyone ragged in the last few days. When children are tired, their worries seem overwhelming. Downtime also lends itself to more open conversation. I would talk about school with her when she brings it up or when she seems particularly anxious – just like you did the other night - stopping everything and talking about her first day.

The empathy component is to remember that her worries are hers and they are real, and the reasoning, reassuring and logic do little to actually help. Empathy (labeling emotions, talking her through and suggesting ways to cope) allows her to own those feeling and validate them so you and she are on the same page. Empathy helps children to calm because they feel understood. So, first approach with empathy before the fix.

Prepare her as best you can, which you are already doing. Talk her through the daily schedule, and answer questions whenever needed. You might go play on the school playground or have playdates with other kids going to the same school. When you meet the teacher, you might ask if you can take a picture of her and the teacher together, and then get it printed that day, so she can have it to hold onto until school starts. You might also use the picture to make a craft project - a poster for her room or a card to give the teacher on the first day, etc. or do both with copies.

Before you meet the teacher next week, you might sit with Amy to find out if she has anything she wants the teacher to know or wants you to ask the teacher. If it were me, I'd tell her tomorrow to think about those things and then talk about it over the few days before meeting the teacher. This gives Amy a sense of control of the meeting. She has her questions answered.

Talk to her about the bus idea and how fun you remember the bus to be and games/songs you remember while riding with your friends. If another good friend rides the bus with her, maybe you all could meet 10 minutes before and board together. Maybe you could assure her that you will step on to be sure she sits with someone she knows. It is best if she can face it and get on the bus the first day but don't be defeated if not. It may be that she takes and few days to feel confident about school and then can better face the bus. If the bus doesn't happen the first day, I would plan a goal date that it will, such as the second day or Monday of the second week. Something realistic so it doesn't turn into a year. Getting on with a friend might be the thing - especially if you make a date out of it.

Remember too that your attitude goes a long way, and she is reading you more than you know. If you are apprehensive and worried, the morning won't go well; she gets that, at least to some extent. So, put on your brave face and smile through her upset. You want to send the message that the bus and school are safe and fun places, it is where she should be, and that you have no doubt she will enjoy herself and want to ride the bus everyday. If you can start to anticipate that it will all go WELL, it will go all the better.

You might check out Helping Your Anxious Child: A Step by Step Guide for Parents by Wignall, Spence, Cobham and Rapee.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.

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