Calling People Names

Dear Dr. Rene,
My 4 year old son has recently started calling other people "bad". Without any noticable provocation, he'll emphatically say his 1.5 year old brother is bad. Or he'll say "Mommy, you're bad!" I find this to be upsetting, but I try not to overreact. I can't seem to come up with a constructive response. Do you have any insight into what the positive intent might be behind these kind of statements? Any suggestions on how to respond?
Sincerely,
Kristine
Mom of two, ages 1 and 4

Dear Kristine,
Name calling and teasing is common in the preschool years. Often children are trying to play or get the other's attention. In this case, he seems to be testing the power of his words and looking for a reaction.

The first thing I would do is talk to him about how you don't like to be called "bad" or how his brother feels sad to be talked to that way. At calm times I would talk about how much people like to be called nice things and how important it is to speak in nice ways. You might, as a small response when he calls people "bad" have him find something nice to say about that person or think of a way to help them feel better. This would be a plenty big reaction.

If he seems frustrated or angry when he says this I would start coaching him on other words to use when he is upset. Better for him to say "I'm mad!" than to name call.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene

Slow to Warm Up 2 Year old

My 2 1/2 year old son is quite shy - when I have another child over or we go to their house, it takes him about 2 hours to warm up enough to play with that child, even if we have had playdates with that child several times in the past - of course, after 2 hours, it is then time for us to go home! I am not shy myself, so I don't know how to deal with this - I don't push him, but I wish I could help him be more comfortable.
Any suggestions?
Megan
mother of one, age 2 1/2

Dear Megan,
Repeated playdates with the same children are a good place to start. I might have repeated play with the same child several days in a row and at the same house. If the parents can manage you might also, and I don't suggest this often, stretch the playdates to three hours. If your child is warming up at the 2 hour mark, you want him to have some success. Now, this plan requires you have a good friend with a child who is willing to participate in this process. You might also take a few pictures of them when your child is warmed up and playing and then show and talk about that fun time often with your child. It is reminding him of the fun that was had.

You might also plan more playdates at places that he particularly enjoys. If he really like a particular playground plan some of your outings there. Children may be able to bond over the shared activities.

Also, realize he is only 2 1/2 years old. Many twos are still in parallel play where they play more beside someone than with them. This is more the case for boys as well. So the interactive play may still just be developing. Give it some time and continue with the play opportunities.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
blog@parentingplaygroups.com
http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/

End Homework Battles

There are two homework battles you should end before they start. The two issues families struggle over most often are time and place.

To settle the time for homework, sit down with your child and a calendar. Write in when all after school activities are taking place. Consider how long homework should take each night. Put a good amount of time on the calendar each night for at least several weeks and then stick to this schedule as best as you can. Keep notes as you go about what works and what doesn't. After the first several weeks check the calendar again and make a plan moving forward. The idea here is to end the daily debates about when to get started on homework.

Another guideline related to time with homework is how long to spend each night. The best answer is to set the length of homework at the longer end of what it typically takes your child to complete. For the first two weeks record how long homework takes. If it varies from 25 to 35 minutes, plan for 35 minutes every night moving forward. On nights when assigned homework only takes 20 minutes use the other 15 for reading or another school related activity. If they get to go play as soon as they finish each night many will learn to rush through. Keeping it the same amount of time each night encourages them to slow down.

To settle the place for homework, sit down with your child and discuss the options. Think about a quiet, well lit place with a good table top for writing. This may be a counter in the kitchen or their bedroom desk. Once the place is decided stock it with all the supplies they may need. This includes pens, pencils, a highlighter, paper, notebooks, scissors, a ruler and a calendar. Again, this ends the daily debates.

Good Luck!
Dr. Rene

Interest in Reading?

Dear Dr. Rene,
My second grader is a pretty good reader. She is making progress in her reading group at school but still doesn't love books the way I loved books when I was little. I was always buried in books and had a great love of reading. Is there something more I should be doing? Might this love still develop?
Sincerely, Laura
Mom of two, ages 7 and 4

Hi Laura,
It is great she is making progress in her reading group and hopefully she is on the path to be a book worm.

The first thing to know is she is still learning to read. At second grade they are still teaching phonics and patterns and rules of reading. It may be that she is still so focused on the details and the effort of reading that she isn't yet at a point to relax and just enjoy the story. Many children fall into loving the stories when reading to themselves a few years later.

There are several things you can do in the meantime. The first is read aloud to your children EVERYDAY. Read aloud for the love of reading, discuss the stories you read over dinner, read long and often. Read a wide variety, things they choose and things you choose. The goal is 20 minutes a day and this isn't time to be quizzing comprehension or testing phonics, just build a love of reading and story. NEA points to reading aloud as the best way to build successful readers.

Read aloud long past the point you thought you would. Children read to aloud through High School do better on verbal SATs than read to aloud through middle school and through middle school better than through grade school. Now, I know, to many parents the idea of reading aloud through High School sounds awkward but it won't be if you just never give it up. And be creative, if they are readers take turns by page or pick characters for each person to read about.

Also, make books available. Think books on every level of the house and some stashed in the car. Let kids stay up a little late if they are reading. Take them to browse the bookstore and the library often. Join a children's book club. Make family projects or plan family outings based on the things they read. If you read Blueberries for Sal, make blueberry muffins. Make it fun! The love of reading should follow.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
blog@parentingplaygroups.com

Back to School Tips

• With all of us getting in the "back to school" mode, here are six of our top tips for making a smooth and heathy transition into the school year routine.
• Encourage a good night's sleep. Preschool through elementary age children are encouraged to get 10 to 12 hours of sleep overnight. Consistent bedtimes and routines can go a long way here.
• Build some extra time in the morning schedule. Children benefit from a smooth, low-stress morning - don't we all! It can be helpful to build an extra 15 minutes into the morning so they have time to relax and play or look at books before heading out. This also give a bit of room if there is an upset.
• Mom was right - a balanced breakfast is key to a good start. Without a good breakfast, your child can begin feeling run down by mid morning. So a good breakfast, especially if they've been a snacker over the summer months is an important start to the day.
• Don't overschedule extra-curricular activities. If this is your child's transition year from preschool to full-day Kindergarten, it is recommended that you hold off on participating in after school activities until you know the impact of the longer day. Think of waiting to schedule late day activities for a month or two.
• For grade schoolers, plan NOW for homework time. There are two issues to solve here to end the battles before they start:
  The Time - Plan a calendar, decide when homework will be done each day and for how long at a minimum. Stick to it.
  The Place - Think good lighting, access to supplies, comfortable seating and quiet.
• Give them some time to chill out. As busy as the school year gets, plan for an hour of downtime everyday at any age. Downtime is unstructured playtime when the child is in charge and directs activity.