3 Year Old Saying No to Everything

Dear Dr. Rene,
Help! My three year old daughter is saying "no" to everything. It has gotten to the point that when I say "time to get dressed," she replies, "no, not time to get dressed!" She takes whatever I've said and negates it. This is exhausting me.
Sincerely, Jill
Mother of two, ages 3 years and 10 months

Dear Jill,
I know this is a struggle but it is likely coming from a good place. Two and three year olds often go through a phase of saying "no" all day long and wanting the opposite of whatever a parent suggests. This is part of developing a sense of self. They are learning an assertive voice, how to state opinions and their impact on those around them.

That said, there is clearly a need to address this. there are several small things that may be helpful. A little validation can go a long way. This would mean saying, "I know you don't want to get dressed right now," or "I know you are very busy playing, it is hard to stop to get dressed." This gives the child a cushion, a little understanding. You are recognizing her point of view and may lessen the push to argue.

You might offer choices, "Hey, do you want to get dressed on the bed or the floor?" "Do you want to put on your shirt or your skirt first?" Choices allow the child some power, they are more flexible and open. They are also underrated, especially with the under six crowd.

Distraction and humor can also be life savers here. If you can make light, everyone may be better able to move on.

I hope this helps.
Sincerely, Dr. Rene

Competitive Sports?

Dear Dr. Rene,
What are your thoughts on organized sports starting for kids as early as 4 years old? My kids seem to enjoy it most of the time but have a hard time with the competition and have difficulty understanding the rules. Am I setting them up for failure starting too early?
From Confused!
Mother of two, ages 4 and 6 years old

Dear Confused,
General consensus is organized sports and classes should be about exposure and learning the rules of the game for children under 6 years old. It is about learning how to catch and throw a ball, the language of the sport and being on a team. It seems best to wait and start keeping score as children are a bit older and able to manage it.

Many children under 6 years old struggle with competition and should be introduced to this gradually. Think about introducing the concept of copetition thru small games like tic-tac-toe, hullabaloo or rock-paper-scissors. These games take just a few seconds to win or lose. Work your way up to longer board games and organized sports. The whole time you are playing games talk about what it means to be a good winner or good loser. Suggest and model things people can say to others when they win or lose. Practice being a good sport.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene

Tips for Holiday Stress

With so many errands, activities and outings it is easy to become stressed during the Holidays. Unfortunately when we are stressed, our children likely feel it too. Here are a few tips to help families manage this time of year.

• Start early and spread it out - Start your lists now if you haven't already. Space out your errands and responsibilities.
• Help children plan their purchases or creations - Children may need guidance on gift selection. Brainstorm ideas with them, help them consider the person receiving the gift. If they are making gifts, build in and help them structure their time.
• Focus on experience and time rather than spending and things - Plan to bake cookies together rather than buy them for class parties. Arrange outings and experiences together rather than buy presents.
• Focus on your family's true meaning of the Holidays - Be it religion, faith, family or tradition, think about what is truly important to you about the Holidays and share this with your children. strive to keep the focus throughout this time.
• Stick to routines as much as possible - Routines help most children to cope with stress. Strive to make meal times regular and bedtimes as normal as possible.
• Include them in the Holiday planning - Give them what choices you can. This can be as small as picking which tights they wear with their holiday dress or as big as which party to attend first. Children given choices have a sense of control which can go a long way in managing stress.
• Remember downtime - Children benefit from having unstructured downtime for play every day. This is especially true when life is busy and chaotic.
• Remember fun - Build in time for sledding and hot cocoa after bath.
• Discuss what makes us thankful, grateful and happy - Take time to reflect with your children. Discuss what is important to you and find out what is important to them.

Sibling Peace & Holidays

Tips for Managing Siblings, Cousins and Friends over the Holidays

If your house is anything like our house over the holidays there are children coming and going at all times and many may overstay their initial warm and friendly welcome. Children stuck in the house together who have been used to the elbow room of school and regular schedules can be a lot to handle on top of the rush of the holidays.

• Plan for the downtime - A few years ago the was a huge snowstorm that kept the girls and I in the house for five straight snowdays. By the end of the first day I wised up. I made a list of every possible activity that was fun and available in our house. This included regular things like play with groovy girls but also much bigger things like make a pillow fort, take a bubble bath and bake cookies from scratch. It was a long list that we almost exhausted by the end of the week.


• Make them busy - Contribution is a practice in positive discipline that follows the idea "children who are engaged with positive behaviors have little time for negative behaviors." This proactive technique is simple - make them busy. Children who are buttering rolls and drawing placemats aren't resisting the table and argueing about what's for dinner. Children who are picking towels, bath toys and testing the water temperature and level aren't running amok and avoiding the bath.


• Pit them in cooperative efforts - All the better if the efforts are done together. See if they can both clean the playroom to beat the clock, challenge them to both set the table before the end of the next song on the radio.


• Have a back-up plan or two - Set aside a few fun activities that will work well in a crunch. When kids start bickering and can't seem to get back in a friendly groove, be ready to pull out Hallabaloo, the cake decorating kit and a cupcake mix, play-doh with all the supplies, big coloring books with crayons for all, the bounce house or a good video that all might enjoy.


• Divide and conquer - Two kids are more likely to get along easily than six. If you are overwhelmed by the numbers then divide them. Two or three kids in each area or at each activity is plenty.


• Take a walk - When all else fails, bundle them up and take them out.