Dear Dr. Hackney,
My daughter Maggie brings a snack to school for half-day Kindergarten. She usually brings water and a granola bar. She has discovered that her teacher has snacks for kids who forget their snack. These are sometimes more inviting than hers (chocolate Teddy Grams today). Occasionally, Maggie is eating her snack and then telling the teacher she doesn't have one or doesn’t like the one she brought and gets another one.
I’m concerned because Maggie and I are in the midst of an ongoing dialogue, argument, about food, which I know is not a good dynamic. When I approached the teacher, she just laughed about it and said she knew Maggie just wanted the other snack. I don't want to set up a dynamic where she is eating two snacks or a power issue around food between Maggie and me.
Sincerely,
Karen
Mother of two, ages 3 and 5 years
Dear Karen,
My first comment is you are right; you don't want to be arguing about food intake with Maggie. It is not a good pattern and can easily send a wide variety of wrong messages about foods. It also opens the door to food as a battle ground in general.
I also think it is fine that you want her to have just one snack and you want it to be the snack you provide. It seems your issue here should be more with the teacher and less with Maggie. You are well within your rights to ask the teacher to give Maggie a snack only on the days you actually forget. Otherwise, I would make it clear (nicely and out of Maggie's earshot) that you want her to be offered what you provide and not a second choice or snack. You can blame it easily on that she's not eating as much of her lunch (or dinner) because she is filling up on the snacks. You can also assert that you are trying to focus on healthy choices without making it a big issue with Maggie and the extra or replacement snacks are undermining your efforts. Again, this is with the teacher not Maggie. It is best if Maggie is not a part of this process. Hopefully, the teacher will just remind her by saying, "Oh, you already have your snack today" or "If you have something from home that is your snack."
To help your cause, shake up things by providing a variety of snacks from day to day. Try to be fun, and ask Maggie to make some choices about what snack should be.
If the teacher laughs again when you bring it up, you can say, "No, really..." And ask for her to support you and, hopefully, not to blame you when she is not sharing those snacks as often.
Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Bribes to Eat Vegis
Dear Dr. Hackney,
My six year old daughter is a very picky eater. We bribe her to eat vegetables and end up negotiating over food at every meal. This doesn’t feel right, but it seems the only way to get her to eat. Please help!
Sincerely,
Janice
Mother of three, ages six, three and one years old
Dear Janice,
Wow, this sounds frustrating! I can imagine that dinner is not an enjoyable time in your house. While I know there can be a great push to encourage children to eat, the pressure likely will backfire. The more pressure, the less likely they are to eat those foods willingly the next go around. When you bribe a child by saying, “If you eat your broccoli, you can have some applesauce,” you are agreeing with her. Your bribe sends the message, “Broccoli stinks! You should be rewarded for eating it.” The next time broccoli is presented, she is LESS likely to eat it because it was an obstacle in the way of applesauce. Applesauce is a more sought after food because it was preferred and is now a reward.
The answer is to avoid bribery all together. As a general guideline, parents are in charge of what is offered, and children are in charge of what and how much of that they eat. Following this, parents offer a wide range of healthy choices for breakfast, lunch, snacks and dinner. Once it is on their plate, children get to pick and choose. If you find your child still isn’t eating vegetables, you still don’t force her. You are in charge of what is offered, so you offer more vegetables in a wider range of ways. You might offer a vegetable omelet for breakfast, vegetables with dip for snack, or grilled vegetable sandwich for lunch, etc.
I think it is fine to hide ingredients. Make zucchini bread, and call it magic bread. Shred broccoli under the cheese on pizza. This is also a fine time to practice contribution. The more children are choosing the vegetables at the store, washing them in the sink and scooping them to the plate, the more likely they are to eat them.
Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.
My six year old daughter is a very picky eater. We bribe her to eat vegetables and end up negotiating over food at every meal. This doesn’t feel right, but it seems the only way to get her to eat. Please help!
Sincerely,
Janice
Mother of three, ages six, three and one years old
Dear Janice,
Wow, this sounds frustrating! I can imagine that dinner is not an enjoyable time in your house. While I know there can be a great push to encourage children to eat, the pressure likely will backfire. The more pressure, the less likely they are to eat those foods willingly the next go around. When you bribe a child by saying, “If you eat your broccoli, you can have some applesauce,” you are agreeing with her. Your bribe sends the message, “Broccoli stinks! You should be rewarded for eating it.” The next time broccoli is presented, she is LESS likely to eat it because it was an obstacle in the way of applesauce. Applesauce is a more sought after food because it was preferred and is now a reward.
The answer is to avoid bribery all together. As a general guideline, parents are in charge of what is offered, and children are in charge of what and how much of that they eat. Following this, parents offer a wide range of healthy choices for breakfast, lunch, snacks and dinner. Once it is on their plate, children get to pick and choose. If you find your child still isn’t eating vegetables, you still don’t force her. You are in charge of what is offered, so you offer more vegetables in a wider range of ways. You might offer a vegetable omelet for breakfast, vegetables with dip for snack, or grilled vegetable sandwich for lunch, etc.
I think it is fine to hide ingredients. Make zucchini bread, and call it magic bread. Shred broccoli under the cheese on pizza. This is also a fine time to practice contribution. The more children are choosing the vegetables at the store, washing them in the sink and scooping them to the plate, the more likely they are to eat them.
Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
refuses to poop on potty
Dear Dr. Hackney,
My 3 ½ year-old son is consistently potty-trained for pee but continues to want diapers for poop. If we refuse diapers, he soils his underwear. What do we do to help him along?
Sincerely,
Maya
Mother of one, three years old
Dear Maya,
First, realize this is NOT an uncommon problem.
Second, relax a little. The “potties without pressure” approach, which is currently supported by the American Academy of Pediatrics, suggests that potty-training progress at the child’s pace. This means if the child expresses he is not ready to move forward, then the parent slows the process.
Following this approach, the average age for successful potty-training is three years old. Three years old is described as “average” as girls tend to be ready earlier (two and a half to three), boys often later (three to three and a half). In this particular case, the child is well within normal limits for potty-training.
It is suggested that children who are otherwise potty-trained but continue to want a diaper for bowel movements be given one and then cleaned and changed as usual. By all means, applaud the successes of the child peeing in the potty but allow for diapers when they are specifically requested with as little negative emotion as possible. If you must comment, say something as mild as, “I am glad you let me know you need a diaper. I know when you are ready, you’ll do that in the potty as well.”
You can gently encourage progress by allowing children to observe you or willing siblings in the bathroom, talking them through the process and mixing in potty oriented storybooks and videos with your other media. You can also take a wet or soiled diaper, with the child in tow, and empty the poop or place the wet diaper into their little potty while saying, “See, this goes in here.” Then empty and clean the potty as you usually would. For some children, this provides a beneficial cognitive connection between their bodily functions and the expectations of potty-training.
The potties without pressure approach defines the parent’s role as recognizing signs of readiness and offering lots of support and encouragement along the way. Signs of readiness include potty talk (“I peed,” or “I go poop.”), potty play (dolls going potty or trucks getting diapers), an awareness of body parts and functions, longer dry times or more predictable bowel movements, increased imitation in play, ability to follow three-step directions (“Go to the kitchen, get your shoes and meet me by the door.”) and an interest in learning the new set of skills.
This approach identifies several signs that children are NOT ready for potty-training. Children who resist the process and protest the practice loudly are likely not ready to proceed. Children who hide to potty are likely not quite ready. It seems to many parents that children must be ready as they are able to recognize they need to go and actually get somewhere to do it. This is seen as a sign that they are physically ready, just not emotionally ready. Children who sit for a while and then stand nearby to poop or pee on the floor may be feeling too tense while sitting on the potty. If this is the case, it is suggested that parents encourage children to “sit and relax” rather than “sit and try.” The language of “sit and try” may make children nervous and when one is nervous and has tight muscles, it is hard to go potty. Once these children get off the potty, they relax and then, unfortunately, void nearby.
Overall, recognize the signs of readiness and provide lots of support and opportunities for success at the child’s pace.
Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.
My 3 ½ year-old son is consistently potty-trained for pee but continues to want diapers for poop. If we refuse diapers, he soils his underwear. What do we do to help him along?
Sincerely,
Maya
Mother of one, three years old
Dear Maya,
First, realize this is NOT an uncommon problem.
Second, relax a little. The “potties without pressure” approach, which is currently supported by the American Academy of Pediatrics, suggests that potty-training progress at the child’s pace. This means if the child expresses he is not ready to move forward, then the parent slows the process.
Following this approach, the average age for successful potty-training is three years old. Three years old is described as “average” as girls tend to be ready earlier (two and a half to three), boys often later (three to three and a half). In this particular case, the child is well within normal limits for potty-training.
It is suggested that children who are otherwise potty-trained but continue to want a diaper for bowel movements be given one and then cleaned and changed as usual. By all means, applaud the successes of the child peeing in the potty but allow for diapers when they are specifically requested with as little negative emotion as possible. If you must comment, say something as mild as, “I am glad you let me know you need a diaper. I know when you are ready, you’ll do that in the potty as well.”
You can gently encourage progress by allowing children to observe you or willing siblings in the bathroom, talking them through the process and mixing in potty oriented storybooks and videos with your other media. You can also take a wet or soiled diaper, with the child in tow, and empty the poop or place the wet diaper into their little potty while saying, “See, this goes in here.” Then empty and clean the potty as you usually would. For some children, this provides a beneficial cognitive connection between their bodily functions and the expectations of potty-training.
The potties without pressure approach defines the parent’s role as recognizing signs of readiness and offering lots of support and encouragement along the way. Signs of readiness include potty talk (“I peed,” or “I go poop.”), potty play (dolls going potty or trucks getting diapers), an awareness of body parts and functions, longer dry times or more predictable bowel movements, increased imitation in play, ability to follow three-step directions (“Go to the kitchen, get your shoes and meet me by the door.”) and an interest in learning the new set of skills.
This approach identifies several signs that children are NOT ready for potty-training. Children who resist the process and protest the practice loudly are likely not ready to proceed. Children who hide to potty are likely not quite ready. It seems to many parents that children must be ready as they are able to recognize they need to go and actually get somewhere to do it. This is seen as a sign that they are physically ready, just not emotionally ready. Children who sit for a while and then stand nearby to poop or pee on the floor may be feeling too tense while sitting on the potty. If this is the case, it is suggested that parents encourage children to “sit and relax” rather than “sit and try.” The language of “sit and try” may make children nervous and when one is nervous and has tight muscles, it is hard to go potty. Once these children get off the potty, they relax and then, unfortunately, void nearby.
Overall, recognize the signs of readiness and provide lots of support and opportunities for success at the child’s pace.
Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Learn Thru Play
Dear Dr. Hackney,
Our four year-old is scheduled to start Kindergarten in the fall of 2008. We want her to be ready. Should we encourage her to “learn through play” or introduce academics?
Sincerely,
Rina, Mother of one
Four years-old
Dear Rina,
You can and should be doing both. The idea of “learning through play” is the most appropriate approach to teaching young children prior to school entry. This approach is likely to capture their interest and keep them involved in the learning process. Unfortunately though, many parents assume this means just letting their children go play and, as a result, their children will learn what they need for later school success. By all means, learning through play should be more structured and incorporate academic ideas.
In the years before Kindergarten, learning through play might include activities to teach the alphabet shapes and sounds. The focus is just on keeping the process fun. You can name a ‘Letter of the Week.’ It’s often best to start with the first letter of your child’s name, and then, plan lots of fun activities around that letter. For example, if your child’s name begins with the letter “A” you could have an A-hunt in the grocery store, finding all the upper and/or lower case letters you can. You could make a jar collection of all the small things you can find that start with that letter. You could plan an A-meal day, offering at least one food that starts with A at each meal. You can trace, cut and paint the letter. Then pick another letter the next week.
I would not expect many four year-olds to want to sit and listen to how to write a letter and then repeatedly practice in the same way. Likely, they would be bored or easily frustrated by this approach, and you are sure to lose them before you are half-way through the alphabet. This is the same with the rote use of flashcards or over-reliance on workbook pages.
Teaching numbers and early math concepts can be equally successful using the more playful approach. You can count fun things; then, write the number next to the fun things you just counted. You can introduce money and count change together. You can teach one to one correspondence through setting the table or matching pairs of socks. It is helpful to remember that math is far more than numbers at this young age. Preschool math concepts also include measuring time, space and weight, sorting, categorizing, grouping, seeing and creating patterns, recognizing shapes and matching.
And relax! Most children are more than ready for Kindergarten. Our public schools open their doors to children with a very wide range of life experience and academic learning. On the first day of school, there will be a few Kindergarteners who are just learning their letters and a few others who can already read independently, but most of the children will fall somewhere in between. Of course, the more ready they are the better, but keep it fun. The learning through play approach helps insure that children will be interested in the learning process far past their year in Kindergarten.
Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parneting Playgroups, Inc.
Our four year-old is scheduled to start Kindergarten in the fall of 2008. We want her to be ready. Should we encourage her to “learn through play” or introduce academics?
Sincerely,
Rina, Mother of one
Four years-old
Dear Rina,
You can and should be doing both. The idea of “learning through play” is the most appropriate approach to teaching young children prior to school entry. This approach is likely to capture their interest and keep them involved in the learning process. Unfortunately though, many parents assume this means just letting their children go play and, as a result, their children will learn what they need for later school success. By all means, learning through play should be more structured and incorporate academic ideas.
In the years before Kindergarten, learning through play might include activities to teach the alphabet shapes and sounds. The focus is just on keeping the process fun. You can name a ‘Letter of the Week.’ It’s often best to start with the first letter of your child’s name, and then, plan lots of fun activities around that letter. For example, if your child’s name begins with the letter “A” you could have an A-hunt in the grocery store, finding all the upper and/or lower case letters you can. You could make a jar collection of all the small things you can find that start with that letter. You could plan an A-meal day, offering at least one food that starts with A at each meal. You can trace, cut and paint the letter. Then pick another letter the next week.
I would not expect many four year-olds to want to sit and listen to how to write a letter and then repeatedly practice in the same way. Likely, they would be bored or easily frustrated by this approach, and you are sure to lose them before you are half-way through the alphabet. This is the same with the rote use of flashcards or over-reliance on workbook pages.
Teaching numbers and early math concepts can be equally successful using the more playful approach. You can count fun things; then, write the number next to the fun things you just counted. You can introduce money and count change together. You can teach one to one correspondence through setting the table or matching pairs of socks. It is helpful to remember that math is far more than numbers at this young age. Preschool math concepts also include measuring time, space and weight, sorting, categorizing, grouping, seeing and creating patterns, recognizing shapes and matching.
And relax! Most children are more than ready for Kindergarten. Our public schools open their doors to children with a very wide range of life experience and academic learning. On the first day of school, there will be a few Kindergarteners who are just learning their letters and a few others who can already read independently, but most of the children will fall somewhere in between. Of course, the more ready they are the better, but keep it fun. The learning through play approach helps insure that children will be interested in the learning process far past their year in Kindergarten.
Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parneting Playgroups, Inc.
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