Parent Question: I have 2 1/2 year old twins who are experiencing separation issues. One has separation anxiety from me during the day and the other one at night (meaning he wants me to hold, rock, or sleep with all night long). It started a few weeks ago and each subsequent night has gotten worse. My other twin has had separation issues since he was a baby, but now he is able to sleep alone and stays asleep. I would love to start to leave them at the gym day care for about an hour while I work out, but it has not been going well. I have tried multiple times, but the child with daytime separation gets very upset, crys, shakes, and gets physical with the childcare provider. I tried a bigger gym with more activity in the child care room. Do you have any tips to help them? They are scheduled to attend preschool next fall, but until then they are at home with me.
Answer: The unfortunate thing with anxiety issues is that the children need to have experience working through it and being fine on the other side of it for the anxiety to lessen. The more you stay with them through the night or pull them from childcare, the more they feel that its a scary thing and they do need you there. I am not saying bail on them and let them be miserable, but I am saying don't give up on the idea and learn to help them through it. If you do have a sitter or relative that they stay with well, give them more regular experience there. There is a free 1/3 hour on seperation at http://www.parentsperspective.org/, search for Hackney. There is also our full hour on http://www.askdrrene.com/. There is also a good brochure called Separation by the NAEYC.
For sleep, there are check-in methods (Mindell) and gradual move-out methods (Brazelton) that may be helpful there. Both are sending the message, bed is where they belong and it is a good, safe place to be. The books are Sleeping Through the Night by Mindell or Sleep the Brazelton way.
Sincerely, Dr. Rene
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Mealtime Question
Parent Question: My 4 year old child is not eating for me at the table. He wants both my husband and I to help him eat and is very fussy; won't try mashed potatoes or anything. It's a constant battle as he wants toys at the table when eating, like something to keep him occupied rather than eating. He does eat pasta and fishsticks but we sometimes have to literally feed him so it gets eaten. I know this is a bad habit, but it's awful getting him to eat much of anything. It's become such a constant battle that I now hate mealtimes. Please help!
Answer: There are so many answers to this one. I am going to give a few guidelines and point you in the direction of a great book for more. The book is "How to Get Your Kid to Eat But Not Too Much" by Ellyn Satter. She wrote another book and there is also a book by Elbrit, but I like this one.
Guidelines: Parents are in charge of what is offered, children are in charge of what and how much of that they eat. Control what is offered; once it is on the table let him pick and choose. If he fills up on fruit and wants more, ok, you offered it. If that is all he will eat, offer it less often and other things more. Go as wide as you can. Put in those 'only foods' once a month so he can't rely on them. The idea is to let go of the battle. You don't want to be battling over food intake once it is on the table. Lessen the emotion; emotion fuels power struggles.
That is the short answer for a long question. We do have a two-hour workshop on managing mealtimes that includes all this on pickyness. The books I mentioned are also very good.
Answer: There are so many answers to this one. I am going to give a few guidelines and point you in the direction of a great book for more. The book is "How to Get Your Kid to Eat But Not Too Much" by Ellyn Satter. She wrote another book and there is also a book by Elbrit, but I like this one.
Guidelines: Parents are in charge of what is offered, children are in charge of what and how much of that they eat. Control what is offered; once it is on the table let him pick and choose. If he fills up on fruit and wants more, ok, you offered it. If that is all he will eat, offer it less often and other things more. Go as wide as you can. Put in those 'only foods' once a month so he can't rely on them. The idea is to let go of the battle. You don't want to be battling over food intake once it is on the table. Lessen the emotion; emotion fuels power struggles.
That is the short answer for a long question. We do have a two-hour workshop on managing mealtimes that includes all this on pickyness. The books I mentioned are also very good.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Nap Time Question
Parent Question: My 3 3/4 year old doesn't want to nap. It takes her time to fall asleep when she does nap, both at bed time and naptime. When she does nap, I would say that on a 24 hour period, she sleeps 10-12 hours. How much sleep should she be getting in a 24 hour period? How long should her naps be at this age and moving forward? Any suggestions for those days (especially with the holidays around the corner) when she stays up late at night and still wakes up early the next day? Thank you!
Answer: 10-12 hours in the 24 hour cycle is the goal now thru late elementary school. Significantly less than 10 can be problematic. 8 is a low minimum. If it were my house, we would be transitioning to 'quiet time.' An hour everyday of play quietly in your bed which you respect like a nap - same time, same length everyday. You can say, "You don't have to sleep, just stay in bed and stay quiet." I would give a quiet activity or book after the first 20 mins or so. If you provide this religiously the idea is they are still resting and if they need to should fall asleep. If she naps, think 60 to 90 minutes, which is probably plenty. Don't want it to vary widely from day to day. On really crazy holiday days, plan quiet breaks in the day. Maybe spend 30 minutes in the afternoon snuggling and reading a chapter book or time listening to quiet music.
Sincerely, Dr. Rene
Answer: 10-12 hours in the 24 hour cycle is the goal now thru late elementary school. Significantly less than 10 can be problematic. 8 is a low minimum. If it were my house, we would be transitioning to 'quiet time.' An hour everyday of play quietly in your bed which you respect like a nap - same time, same length everyday. You can say, "You don't have to sleep, just stay in bed and stay quiet." I would give a quiet activity or book after the first 20 mins or so. If you provide this religiously the idea is they are still resting and if they need to should fall asleep. If she naps, think 60 to 90 minutes, which is probably plenty. Don't want it to vary widely from day to day. On really crazy holiday days, plan quiet breaks in the day. Maybe spend 30 minutes in the afternoon snuggling and reading a chapter book or time listening to quiet music.
Sincerely, Dr. Rene
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Pacifier Question
Parent Question: My 3 1/2 year old 'left' her pacifier at her grandparents and it can't be found. She uses it to sleep. Going to bed and in the morning when she wakes up seem to be the hardest for her. How can we reassure her that she doesn't need it? How can we help her and encourage her along the way?
It has been about three weeks since she stopped using it. Since then, she's had a constant need to be held and has been digressing to baby behavior. When I leave for work, she tells me not to go to work because she wants me to stay home with her. She has been super sensitive... I am thinking all of this is normal and part of the process. But wonder if there is anything else I could be doing to help her? At what point should I be concerned and think this is past normal transition time?
Answer: Lots of empathy: "I know this is hard. I see you are sad, you miss your pacifier." Lots of hugs and downtime. Offer her activities she likes during the hardest parts of the day - if she likes to play dolls offer to play first thing in the morning and let her sleep with one at night. Maybe read an extra story or sing an extra song at bedtime. It can take a few weeks to build new sleep associations and to let go of a comfort object. Maybe take her out and let her pick a new stuffed animal or soft pillow to sleep with.
A guideline for life stressors is +/- 6 to 8 weeks for young children. That is usually referring to something like a new baby in the house which seems a bit bigger than this, BUT it may be just that big a deal to her. I would only talk about it (and openly talk about it then) when she brings it up. Otherwise I would stay mum to not remind her. When she does bring it up, express a bit of empathy, a hug and move on. Try not to wallow. The 'super sensitive' is par for the course. Regression is also a common response to stressor. Again, think downtime everyday. Relaxed playtime where she decides what to do. Keep bedtime routines intact and respect sleep! Children who are stressed are far worse when they are tired. Try to maintain normal schedules. I hope this helps!
Dr. Rene
It has been about three weeks since she stopped using it. Since then, she's had a constant need to be held and has been digressing to baby behavior. When I leave for work, she tells me not to go to work because she wants me to stay home with her. She has been super sensitive... I am thinking all of this is normal and part of the process. But wonder if there is anything else I could be doing to help her? At what point should I be concerned and think this is past normal transition time?
Answer: Lots of empathy: "I know this is hard. I see you are sad, you miss your pacifier." Lots of hugs and downtime. Offer her activities she likes during the hardest parts of the day - if she likes to play dolls offer to play first thing in the morning and let her sleep with one at night. Maybe read an extra story or sing an extra song at bedtime. It can take a few weeks to build new sleep associations and to let go of a comfort object. Maybe take her out and let her pick a new stuffed animal or soft pillow to sleep with.
A guideline for life stressors is +/- 6 to 8 weeks for young children. That is usually referring to something like a new baby in the house which seems a bit bigger than this, BUT it may be just that big a deal to her. I would only talk about it (and openly talk about it then) when she brings it up. Otherwise I would stay mum to not remind her. When she does bring it up, express a bit of empathy, a hug and move on. Try not to wallow. The 'super sensitive' is par for the course. Regression is also a common response to stressor. Again, think downtime everyday. Relaxed playtime where she decides what to do. Keep bedtime routines intact and respect sleep! Children who are stressed are far worse when they are tired. Try to maintain normal schedules. I hope this helps!
Dr. Rene
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
