We are on Youtube

So finally, there is a Dr. Rene on Parenting channel on youtube. We would love for you to visit, subscribe and give us some feedback! So far, it's just three clips but we hope to add more from live workshops and tours of our playspaces. Join us at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1C5ljLBysc. Thanks!

Downtime Tips

The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests children need an hour of downtime a day. Downtime is truly unstructured, go play time. It can be a child with friends or siblings but it doesn't have to be, the idea is it's up to them. This is child lead play when the individual child is in charge of their own agenda. It can truly be unproductive time, a half hour spent finding shapes in passing clouds or watching the rain drops on a window. If your children aren't up to an hour a day, set this as a goal. Here are some tips to get you started:

• Turn off the TVs and computers - Screentime is anti-downtime. Children who are passively viewing are still being otherwise entertained. Set family limits for screentime and respect them moving forward.
• It is okay if they are bored - When children whine and complain about being bored, it often means they haven't had enough practice with downtime. They need more practice at entertaining themselves.
• Avoid too many structured activities - Children who are constantly on the go to lessons, classes, clubs and playgroups may not have enough downtime. This is especially true for those having to additionally tag along to their siblings' activities. It's good practice to look at the overall family schedule, put downtime on the calendar if you have to.
• Start small - If this is a new concept to your family, start with 10 to 15 minute stretches, then gradually increase the time.

Downtime provides a great opportunity for children to develop their imagination and creativity. It is a chance to build their own stories and games. Downtime also challenges different social skills than what are practiced in more structured activities.

Self-Esteem Tips - The Easy Way

Go deep in their interests. If your child is excited about dinosaurs go to the dinosaur museum, get the dinosaur books, puppets and videos, learn about paleontology online, go on a fossil dig.

Share your own interests. If you are a gardener get them in the garden with you, get them a children's gardening kit. They know it's important to you and now you are sharing with them.

Play with them. Play is their number one job through six years old, join them! Don't know how? Take a wider look at play. Play includes pretend play, dress-up, arts and crafts, board games, building blocks, movement games, sing-alongs, word play, floortime and more.

Give them lots of social opportunity and coach when needed. A piece of self-esteem is feeling socially connected. Give children opportunities to develop good social and play skills often. If things aren't going well, look at why and work on it.

Keep them challenged but not overwhelmed. If your child is managing 10 piece puzzles now, think 20 piece puzzles soon. If they are reading books with 3 sentences on a page, think 6 sentences. Constantly be thinking of the next step but go just a bit harder so you don't overwhelm.

To learn more about this and other information about children's self-esteem, join Dr. Rene for an evening workshop on Self-Esteem, Wednesday May 11 from 7:00-9:00pm. To learn more and =register, please visit http://www.eventbrite.com/org/283710166?s=1328924.

Calm Tips

There are two main ideas for how to manage tantrums once they start. Both ideas start with, "Stay calm yourself." I know, this can take a whole lot of self-control. It can be difficult to stay calm when your child is losing it. Part of it is recognizing that losing it yourself likely just adds fuel to the fire, takes the tantrum up a notch. The other part is realizing what your child needs most in these moments is someone who is calm, who is safe to connect to, who is modeling calm emotions especially when all else feels out of control.

There are so many ways to stay calm. Of course, not every way works for every parent, so I am including calm tips in our emails often this year. Here are a few more ideas that may be helpful in tantrums as well as other times you need to stay calm.

• Learn about child development. It can be calming to know that saying 'no' all day long and doing the opposite of what is requested are common two year old behaviors. It can be calming to know that five and six year olds are often driven by a sense of fairness and hearing "That's not fair!" is par for the course. There are a few good series on development including Touchpoint: Birth to Three and Three to Six by Brazelton and Your One Year Old thru Your Nine Year Old by Ames.


• Shift your thinking to view the benefits of the negative behaviors. Every time your child is aggressive, think of it as an opportunity to teach them better ways to express anger and how to use their words. When your child has a tantrum, think of it as a chance for them to pratice calming, an opportunity to teach emotion language.


• Assume changing behaviors and learning new behaviors takes time. If you assume potty training will be a two day process, you may be frustrated when it takes two weeks. If you assume it will take a few months, than you are pleasantly surprised at the two week mark.

To learn more ways to calm, join Dr. Rene for our two evening session on Calm Parenting. The next workshop series is offered on June 2 AND 9 from 7:00-9:00pm. For more information and to register, please visit http://www.eventbrite.com/org/283710166?s=1328924.

Tantrum Tips

If your child tantrums, it can be helpful to recognize your child's triggers. Triggers are the things that set your child off, that tend to start the tantrums. Once you identify triggers, you can work harder to avoid tantrums when the triggers happen. You can also avoid some triggers and teach children how to better manage when they can't be avoided. Triggers tend to fall into three categories:

• Situational triggers are triggers like the child tantrums when they are hungry or when they are tired. These are on you, fix these things. If they tantrum when they are hungry, carry crackers in your bag or plan to feed them small meals throughout the day rather than waiting longer between three larger meals.


• Social triggers include things like tantruming over having to share toys or over being told "no." The idea for social triggers is children need to learn to both avoid these when they can and manage them when they can't. Learning to manage and calm can take children a long time and a lot of practice.


• Parents' stress level can be another trigger. When parents are particularly stressed, children tend to tantrum more often. It may be they are reflecting the emotional tone in the house. It may be that, because you are stressed, they are having to get bigger and louder to get your attention.

Sibling Tips

If you are working to improve sibling relationships, it is suggested that you take the pressure off the individual relationship. Rather than saying "You will love your sister," "Your brother is going to be your best friend for life," or "We are a family of love," which puts tremendous pressure on the individual relationship, focus on teaching them how to treat people in general. Teach children play skills, encourage a sense of empathy, teach them emotion language and to listen to others when they speak. The idea is to teach them social skills and allow that to trickle down to their individual relationship.
It is often beneficial to allow for the expression of negative emotions between siblings. When children are allowed to express negative emotions, they can move forward from the situation. When emotions are denied or negated, children have to dig in their heels. They have to get bigger and louder about the feelings or bottle it up and it comes out in other ways. Accept and validate the emotions, help them to express emotions in constructive ways so they can move on.

Mealtime Tips

There are several guidelines to encourage healthy eating habits while avoiding pickyness traps. The overarching guideline is parents are in charge of what is offered, children are in charge of what and how much of that they eat. Following this, parents are to provide a healthy, wide range of choices for breakfast, lunch, sdinner and snacks, thats it. Once the food is provided it is up to the child to determine what and how much of that they eat as long as its available. If you are concerned they will only fill up on fruit, you are in charge of how often that is offered so you offer fruit a little less often and everything else more often and in a wider range of ways. You might also have smaller portions of fruit - meaning that is all there is of that food but they are welcome to all else that is still available. If you are concerned they will never eat another vegetable, offere a wider range of vegetables in a wider range of ways. Make a vegetable omelete for breakfast and a vegetable tray for snack and a roast vegetable pizza for lunch. I am fine with hiding ingredients, encourage children participating in the food process and making it fun. All of this likely helpful. Go as wide as you can with the foods that are available. Continue to offer new tasts and new textures. Avoid looking at children's nutrition meal to meal, it will make you nuts. Rather, look at it week to week or better, month to month.

Calm Parenting Tips

A few good resources about Calm Parenting:

• Peaceful Parents, Peaceful Kids: Practical Ways to Create a Calm and Happy Home by Drew


• Screamfree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool by Runkel


• 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families by Covey


• The DVD serives Celebrate Calm by Martin


• Getting to Calm: Cool Headed Strategies for Parenting Tweens and Teensby Kastner and Wyatt

In the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, Covey presents the benefits of thinking about the individual relationships you have with family members as an Emotional Bank Account. In my home, I would have three accounts, one for each child and one with my husband. In this account deposits include things like speaking nicely to each other, speaking nicely about each other, spending time together or helping with a task. Withdraws include things like arguing, snide remarks, talking negatively aobut each other or being late for something important to them. The idea is to keep the balance overwhelmingly positive. It needs to be far more positive becaues the relationship will face challenges and upsets and the positives need to be able to absorb the negatives. Think about each account in the last 24 hours. Ask yourself if there was a positive balance. Keep a running tally moving forward.

Planning Summer Travel Tips

Summer travel is coming up and if your trips are big, it may be time to start planning. As early as three years old, there can be benefits in including children in the planning process. Here are some ideas to get you started:

• Find child friendly outings near your destination spots. Whether you are headed to the beach or the theme park, look for area museums, zoos and aquariums. You may need a break from the planned activity or find yourself with a rainy day. Last summer we had a rainy day and found a two hour scenic trainride through the countryside.


• If traveling by car, find child friendly outings along the way. Especially for long trips, it can be helpful to plan real breaks. Stop and take in a picnic at a playground or walk through a museum. Bring physical activities like balls and jump ropes for shorter stops.


• Set aside a bag to collect brochures, menus, tickets, receipts and other memorabilia from the trip. Some of this can add to the scrap book with photos, the rest is just fun to collect.


• For the destination itself, visit websites in the months before and encourage your children to explore and plan their time. Before our trip to Disney, our children each picked a restaurant and a show they wanted during our time in the park.


• If possible, check out books about the destination. Learn about the history, culture and food of the area with your children.


• If you've made this trip before, talk with your children often about the last trip. Talk about their favorite times and what they hope to do again. If available, review the photos


• If traveling by car, start collecting a bag of travel toys. This can be small new things or things they haven't seen in a while. In our bag we carry woodkins, magnet board games, colorwonder markers and paper, a few polly pockets and matchbox cars, travel bingo and lacing cards.

Choosing Preschools

Here are a few tips to keep in mind as you consider your options for preschool.

• Attend every open house that you are remotely interested in - This is the best way to get a feel for the school and the staff. At open houses there may be a presentation about the philosophy of the school, a chance to meet current families and a tour to view classrooms. I think it would be very difficult to make decisions without this piece. Take advantage of any options that are provided. Some schools give private tours or offer families that are happy to speak about the programs by phone. You want as much information as possible.
• Compare the schools you are interested in by brochures and websites - The reason is that this if often the school's best food forward. This should provide a summary of their philosophy and highlights of their programs. Brochures have been well edited, the language poured over. Brochures and websites should feel like a good fit with your family.
• Speak with current families - You can often ask for a list from the school but you might also just ask around on the local playgrounds or ask for families on listserves like dcurbanmoms.com. When you do connect with families ask them for the high and low points, ask about parent-teacher communication and any difficulties they experienced. You are looking for well-rounded feedback.
• Apply to a few more than you think necessary - It is still the case each year that there are children who end up not getting into preschool. Have a back-up plan or two.
• Learn about and consider various approaches - There are big differences between Reggio Emilia, Waldorf, Montessori, Play-based, Hi-Scope, Cooperative and Religious based programs. Find out about these and weigh your options.

Teach Social Skills

When parents see their children struggling socially, many are tempted to explain and lecture the child on better ways. Unfortunately long lectures tend to fall on deaf ears. There are many ways to go about teaching social skills.

• Use art projects - Teach turn taking by passing coloring papers between children. Teach sharing by offering one glue bottle to three children for a project. Highlight the social skill in conversation while they color. Fine to comment on any frustration, talk about it and brainstorm solutions to lessen the upsets.
• Read story books - There are so many good books about emotions and social exchange. The Berenstain Bears series offers books about sharing, bossiness and teasing. Hooway for Wodney Wat! covers bossiness and teasing, Timothy goes to School deals with social competition. My Many Colored Days and Today I Feel Silly teach about emotions. Don't just read the books, dive into conversation. Ask them what they think about the stories, talk about similar things they've experienced.
• Play movement games - Simon Says, Wigglelow and Hullabaloo all teach listening skills. Three-legged races teach cooperative efforts.
• Role play - Re-enact situations similar to those that are a struggle. Encourage children to play each role so they can think about the struggle from others' perspectives.
• Puppet shows - If children aren't comfortable with role playing themselves, bring out the puppets or the dollbabies. Children may be more open to this play as it is removed from them, more pretend.
• Ask hypotheticals - We call this the "What if" game. Ask children a wide variety of what ifs based on their own social situations. Brainstorm many possible answers and outcomes for each scenario.
• Give opportunities for play - All the teaching in the world won't do much good if children don't have opportunities to practice themselves. Invite friends over, meet at the playground, plan outings or join playgroups. Children who struggle with social skills need more practice, not less!

Family Time

Believe me, I know that finding enough time for work, errands, school and family can seem near impossible. Unfortunately, I also know that family time tends to fall at the bottom of the list. The other things on the list often have hard deadlines so we meet them first and hope the rest falls into place. We let family time fill in the gaps. Making family time needs to move to the top of the list. Put it on the calendar if you have to.

• Whole Family Time - At least once a week. This can be a set-in-stone weekly dinner cooked together, a game night, a Sunday afternoon activity time.
• Couples Time - At least every other week. If you are parenting as a couple, find a time to focus on each other. It can be a movie night or dinner out, again doesn't have to be grand, just time and regular.
• Individual Pairs Time - At least once a month. Make time for each pair in the family to spend some time together. This can be at the playground or tossing a ball in the backyard. It can be watching a program together and talking about it or a trip to the grocery store if you are really focused on each other and communicating.
• Rituals and Routines - This can be a helpful approach to building in time. Plan a real playtime each morning, a time that you will put away the cell phone and turn off the TV and really play. Keep reading aloud as part of the bedtime routine long passed the age you thought they would listen.

Of course, more is better but these are minimum goals.

Bedtimes

There are a few daily routines that unite us all as parents. Those times of the day we all face include bathtimes, mealtimes and bedtime routines. While it may go well for some on most days, others barely struggle through. Here are a few of our tips to help settle the bedtime routines.

• Same time, same order, same place every night - It can be helpful to children to have a strong sense of routine around bedtimes. If the process is consistent, over time it can help children settle and be more ready for sleep by the end. In our house it has been bath, jammies, teeth, story, bed for years. At bath they know sleep is about an hour away. At story they know it is 10 minutes away.
• Minimum 20 minutes, maximum an hour - If bedtime routines are shorter, children may not have enough time to transition. Longer and they may lose focus.
• Finish in their rooms - Avoid finishing the routine in the living room or your room and then carting them off to bed. Better for children to have time to acclimate to their bedroom. Their bedroom should be part of their sleep association.
• If sleep issues, avoid TV and rough house play in the last 2 hours - If children struggle to fall or stay asleep, avoid both TV and rough house in the last 2 hours before bed. These activities can be too stimulating for good sleep to follow.

Kindergarten Readiness Tips

A few general guidelines:

The National PTA suggests considering 5 questions for kindergarten readiness.

1. How mature is your child?
2. What does the pediatrician or preschool teacher say?
3. Are they motivated to learn?
4. Are they big or small for their age?
5. What do other families in your community do?

I tend to add:

1. Is there a delay or disorder that may be benefitted from time?
2. Do you have the sense they may end up repeating a later grade?

None of these questions should be considered alone. Look at the whole child and daily functioning. If you are deciding to wait a year, plan for making the most of that time.

Things to incorporate the year before Kindergarten (if not already):

• Remember that reading aloud to children is cited as the single most important factor in making successful readers.
• Build social skills and give opportunities for repeated play with the same children.
• More downtime, less screentime. Learn the guidelines given by the American Academy of Pediatrics or by Zero to Three about screentime and decide for your family some healthy boundaries. Give children time to learn to entertain themselves.
• Build challenges in play. Challenge them to build taller with blocks, complete puzzles faster, to tackle tasks together.
• Build attention span. Read increasingly longer stories, play increasingly harder games and more difficult puzzles.

Calm Parenting

If you didn't make a New Year's Resolution this year, you can share mine. This year I resolve to be a calm parent, to be a calm wife, to respond rather than react to upsets within my family at every turn. Wow, that is a big one! And I know, it is going to take work. To help myself, and hopefully help you, I am going to include tips on calm parenting and calm relationships throughout the year.

The first thing to consider is the difference between reacting and responding to others. When there is an upset reacting means acting on impulse, without thought. It is what happens before we consider our better options. Know that you can do better. Every upset gives you an opportunity to step back, to stop and think, to consider your options and plan a response. If you can slow yourself down and know that your response to an upset is fully within your control, you can avoid the knee-jerk reactions.

Separation Issues Question

Parent Question: I have 2 1/2 year old twins who are experiencing separation issues. One has separation anxiety from me during the day and the other one at night (meaning he wants me to hold, rock, or sleep with all night long). It started a few weeks ago and each subsequent night has gotten worse. My other twin has had separation issues since he was a baby, but now he is able to sleep alone and stays asleep. I would love to start to leave them at the gym day care for about an hour while I work out, but it has not been going well. I have tried multiple times, but the child with daytime separation gets very upset, crys, shakes, and gets physical with the childcare provider. I tried a bigger gym with more activity in the child care room. Do you have any tips to help them? They are scheduled to attend preschool next fall, but until then they are at home with me.

Answer: The unfortunate thing with anxiety issues is that the children need to have experience working through it and being fine on the other side of it for the anxiety to lessen. The more you stay with them through the night or pull them from childcare, the more they feel that its a scary thing and they do need you there. I am not saying bail on them and let them be miserable, but I am saying don't give up on the idea and learn to help them through it. If you do have a sitter or relative that they stay with well, give them more regular experience there. There is a free 1/3 hour on seperation at http://www.parentsperspective.org/, search for Hackney. There is also our full hour on http://www.askdrrene.com/. There is also a good brochure called Separation by the NAEYC.
For sleep, there are check-in methods (Mindell) and gradual move-out methods (Brazelton) that may be helpful there. Both are sending the message, bed is where they belong and it is a good, safe place to be. The books are Sleeping Through the Night by Mindell or Sleep the Brazelton way.
Sincerely, Dr. Rene

Mealtime Question

Parent Question: My 4 year old child is not eating for me at the table. He wants both my husband and I to help him eat and is very fussy; won't try mashed potatoes or anything. It's a constant battle as he wants toys at the table when eating, like something to keep him occupied rather than eating. He does eat pasta and fishsticks but we sometimes have to literally feed him so it gets eaten. I know this is a bad habit, but it's awful getting him to eat much of anything. It's become such a constant battle that I now hate mealtimes. Please help!

Answer: There are so many answers to this one. I am going to give a few guidelines and point you in the direction of a great book for more. The book is "How to Get Your Kid to Eat But Not Too Much" by Ellyn Satter. She wrote another book and there is also a book by Elbrit, but I like this one.
Guidelines: Parents are in charge of what is offered, children are in charge of what and how much of that they eat. Control what is offered; once it is on the table let him pick and choose. If he fills up on fruit and wants more, ok, you offered it. If that is all he will eat, offer it less often and other things more. Go as wide as you can. Put in those 'only foods' once a month so he can't rely on them. The idea is to let go of the battle. You don't want to be battling over food intake once it is on the table. Lessen the emotion; emotion fuels power struggles.
That is the short answer for a long question. We do have a two-hour workshop on managing mealtimes that includes all this on pickyness. The books I mentioned are also very good.

Nap Time Question

Parent Question: My 3 3/4 year old doesn't want to nap. It takes her time to fall asleep when she does nap, both at bed time and naptime. When she does nap, I would say that on a 24 hour period, she sleeps 10-12 hours. How much sleep should she be getting in a 24 hour period? How long should her naps be at this age and moving forward? Any suggestions for those days (especially with the holidays around the corner) when she stays up late at night and still wakes up early the next day? Thank you!

Answer: 10-12 hours in the 24 hour cycle is the goal now thru late elementary school. Significantly less than 10 can be problematic. 8 is a low minimum. If it were my house, we would be transitioning to 'quiet time.' An hour everyday of play quietly in your bed which you respect like a nap - same time, same length everyday. You can say, "You don't have to sleep, just stay in bed and stay quiet." I would give a quiet activity or book after the first 20 mins or so. If you provide this religiously the idea is they are still resting and if they need to should fall asleep. If she naps, think 60 to 90 minutes, which is probably plenty. Don't want it to vary widely from day to day. On really crazy holiday days, plan quiet breaks in the day. Maybe spend 30 minutes in the afternoon snuggling and reading a chapter book or time listening to quiet music.
Sincerely, Dr. Rene

Pacifier Question

Parent Question: My 3 1/2 year old 'left' her pacifier at her grandparents and it can't be found. She uses it to sleep. Going to bed and in the morning when she wakes up seem to be the hardest for her. How can we reassure her that she doesn't need it? How can we help her and encourage her along the way?
It has been about three weeks since she stopped using it. Since then, she's had a constant need to be held and has been digressing to baby behavior. When I leave for work, she tells me not to go to work because she wants me to stay home with her. She has been super sensitive... I am thinking all of this is normal and part of the process. But wonder if there is anything else I could be doing to help her? At what point should I be concerned and think this is past normal transition time?

Answer: Lots of empathy: "I know this is hard. I see you are sad, you miss your pacifier." Lots of hugs and downtime. Offer her activities she likes during the hardest parts of the day - if she likes to play dolls offer to play first thing in the morning and let her sleep with one at night. Maybe read an extra story or sing an extra song at bedtime. It can take a few weeks to build new sleep associations and to let go of a comfort object. Maybe take her out and let her pick a new stuffed animal or soft pillow to sleep with.
A guideline for life stressors is +/- 6 to 8 weeks for young children. That is usually referring to something like a new baby in the house which seems a bit bigger than this, BUT it may be just that big a deal to her. I would only talk about it (and openly talk about it then) when she brings it up. Otherwise I would stay mum to not remind her. When she does bring it up, express a bit of empathy, a hug and move on. Try not to wallow. The 'super sensitive' is par for the course. Regression is also a common response to stressor. Again, think downtime everyday. Relaxed playtime where she decides what to do. Keep bedtime routines intact and respect sleep! Children who are stressed are far worse when they are tired. Try to maintain normal schedules. I hope this helps!
Dr. Rene

Tips on the Steps of Positive Discipline

When you come into a discipline situation, there is a well recognized, often written about series of positive discipline techniques available to help you manage. These steps work together to provide a framework for addressing emotions, offering alternatives and curbing behaviors. The only trick is you have to learn them, practice them and use them in effective ways.

These steps include I messages and empathy to manage emotions, positive intent to better view behaviors, choices to teach and consequences when all else fails. I messages, empathy and positive intent are foundation skills, things to think about as you enter in. They are ways to open communication, to validate the child and encourage them to listen to the rest of the process. Choices are ways to gain compliance without the use of consequences, these work because they share power. Consequences include natural - what just might happen, logical negative - if the bad behavior it's the bad outcome, and logical positive - if the good behavior it's the good outcome.

I messages - I messages label your emotions and blame the behavior, not the child. For example, "I am angry, my lamp is broken," rather than, "I am angry with you, you broke my lamp." "I am frustrated, no one is listening," rather than, "I am frustrated, you never listen."

Empathy - Empathy validates the child's emotions even if you disagree. This sounds like, "Wow! You are angry. You really wanted to win that game," or "I know you are sad, it is hard to be left out."

Positive Intent - Positive intent assumes good reasons even behind bad behaviors. Let's say you call children for snack and they are hustling to get ahead of each other coming up the stairs, someone gets knocked over and falls down. Negative intent might be, "You all are so careless, look you hurt her." Positive intent might be, "I know you were excited about snack." You can follow this with a limit, "The stairs are dangerous, come up carefully," choices, "Do you want to hold hands or come up one at a time slowly," or a consequence, "Since that happened, snack is later."

Choices - Choices offer two positives for the child about how, when, or where to do a behavior. Getting homework done might sounds like, "Do you want to start with reading or math," or "Do you want to do it before snack or after," or "Do you want to work at your bedroom desk or the kitchen table?"

Consequences - Consequences can be natural, "If you don't wear a sweatshirt, you might be cold," logical positive, "If you get it on quickly, we can have more time to play," or logical negaitve, "The longer it takes, the less time we'll have to play."

You can join us online at http://www.askdrrene.com/ to view a three hour workshop on these steps or listen to a two hour review session. You can also join us for our Positive Discipline workshops in Falls Church or Alexandira by visiting http://www.eventbrite.com/org/283710166?s=1328924.