Calm Tips

There are two main ideas for how to manage tantrums once they start. Both ideas start with, "Stay calm yourself." I know, this can take a whole lot of self-control. It can be difficult to stay calm when your child is losing it. Part of it is recognizing that losing it yourself likely just adds fuel to the fire, takes the tantrum up a notch. The other part is realizing what your child needs most in these moments is someone who is calm, who is safe to connect to, who is modeling calm emotions especially when all else feels out of control.

There are so many ways to stay calm. Of course, not every way works for every parent, so I am including calm tips in our emails often this year. Here are a few more ideas that may be helpful in tantrums as well as other times you need to stay calm.

• Learn about child development. It can be calming to know that saying 'no' all day long and doing the opposite of what is requested are common two year old behaviors. It can be calming to know that five and six year olds are often driven by a sense of fairness and hearing "That's not fair!" is par for the course. There are a few good series on development including Touchpoint: Birth to Three and Three to Six by Brazelton and Your One Year Old thru Your Nine Year Old by Ames.


• Shift your thinking to view the benefits of the negative behaviors. Every time your child is aggressive, think of it as an opportunity to teach them better ways to express anger and how to use their words. When your child has a tantrum, think of it as a chance for them to pratice calming, an opportunity to teach emotion language.


• Assume changing behaviors and learning new behaviors takes time. If you assume potty training will be a two day process, you may be frustrated when it takes two weeks. If you assume it will take a few months, than you are pleasantly surprised at the two week mark.

To learn more ways to calm, join Dr. Rene for our two evening session on Calm Parenting. The next workshop series is offered on June 2 AND 9 from 7:00-9:00pm. For more information and to register, please visit http://www.eventbrite.com/org/283710166?s=1328924.

Calm Parenting Tips

A few good resources about Calm Parenting:

• Peaceful Parents, Peaceful Kids: Practical Ways to Create a Calm and Happy Home by Drew


• Screamfree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool by Runkel


• 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families by Covey


• The DVD serives Celebrate Calm by Martin


• Getting to Calm: Cool Headed Strategies for Parenting Tweens and Teensby Kastner and Wyatt

In the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, Covey presents the benefits of thinking about the individual relationships you have with family members as an Emotional Bank Account. In my home, I would have three accounts, one for each child and one with my husband. In this account deposits include things like speaking nicely to each other, speaking nicely about each other, spending time together or helping with a task. Withdraws include things like arguing, snide remarks, talking negatively aobut each other or being late for something important to them. The idea is to keep the balance overwhelmingly positive. It needs to be far more positive becaues the relationship will face challenges and upsets and the positives need to be able to absorb the negatives. Think about each account in the last 24 hours. Ask yourself if there was a positive balance. Keep a running tally moving forward.

Calm Parenting

If you didn't make a New Year's Resolution this year, you can share mine. This year I resolve to be a calm parent, to be a calm wife, to respond rather than react to upsets within my family at every turn. Wow, that is a big one! And I know, it is going to take work. To help myself, and hopefully help you, I am going to include tips on calm parenting and calm relationships throughout the year.

The first thing to consider is the difference between reacting and responding to others. When there is an upset reacting means acting on impulse, without thought. It is what happens before we consider our better options. Know that you can do better. Every upset gives you an opportunity to step back, to stop and think, to consider your options and plan a response. If you can slow yourself down and know that your response to an upset is fully within your control, you can avoid the knee-jerk reactions.