Positive Discipline

Here are a few FAQs about Positive Discipline language.

Does the positive discipline approach include Time-Out or 1-2-3 Magic? While I include both of these techniques in our Positive Discipline workshops, most do not catagorize these techniques as positive discipline. Both time-out and 1-2-3 magic along with reward systems and schedules are considered behavior modification tools. They are a more narrow and defined approach. I include them in our programs because if parents are choosing to use them, I want them to use them well. I want parents to know what all the pitfalls are and what is considered best practice.
What do I do when choices don't work? Offering choices is an important piece of the positive discipline approach but there are several ways they don't work. Some children just won't choose or they choose one and then argue for the other or they do choose but won't follow thru. When choices fail, you can choose for the child given a warning, you can slow down and walk them thru the pros and cons of each option, you can allow them a third option if they offer or you can move on to consequences. The idea is be flexible in the choices you give, be creative so it's not the same choices everytime.
What if I use empathy and my child gets more upset? When you first start using empahty the flood gates may open. You may get a child who shoes greater upset because they feel someone is finally listening. This is common and should be worked thru. Other children just don't like empathy. They don't want you labeling their emotions. If that is the case you can try 'story telling', talk about a time when you felt that way or when someone else had a similar experiences. You are still understanding without focusing so heavily on their emotion. You might also try 'wants and wishes' which is talking about what the child wanted or wished would have happened rather than how they are feeling.
It it okay if it is just one parent using this approach, not both? Clearly it is beneficial if both parents are on the same page and sharing a similar approach. That said, one parent using positive discipline is better than neither. Hopefully the second will see the benefits over time. It may be helpful for that parent to read a book or take a workshop so the push towards positive discipline isn't coming from you but from an outside source. If there are real differences (unless it is abusive) still work to support each other rather than undermine in moments of discipline.
Positive Intent doesn't feel natural, do I have to use each step? I know I messages, empathy and positive intent may feel unnatural to some people. It may not be the language you grew up with. It may feel like we are letting children off the hook when really we are laying foundation for the hook of discipline. In any case, no, I don't think the positive discipline approach is made on any particular skills. There are so many techniques available that parents should be able to work around one or two.
How can I learn more about this approach? There are good books: Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Bailey, Positive Discipline by Nelson, The Discipline Book by Sears & Sears to name a few. There are many good places to find workshops. In the DC/VA/MD are this includeds PEP (Parents Encouragement Program), SCAN (Stop Child Abuse Now, which offers classes in English and Spanish) and JSSA (Jewish Social Services Agency). Of course, you can always join our programs or use our workbook.

Sibling Discipline

During our workshops on Siblings, we often get questions about discipline. During out workshops on Discipline, we often get questions about siblings. If you have more than one child, you know, these topics often overlap. I am going to provide answers here to some of those FAQs.

• Praise Individually - When you praise a child be sure that you are speaking to them directly, not trying to impact their sibling's behavior. This means you don't say, "Johnney, you cleaned your room! It always looks so nice in your room." and then glare at his sister hoping she will hear and clean her's. When you give a child praise, your intent should be clean. You should be praising for something you noticed NOT to impact their siblings.
• Discipline Individually - I know this is sometimes unavoidable but as a parent avoid it when you can. This means if just Johnney is misbehaving at the playground try to find consequences other than having to leave the playground which would negatively impact his well behaved siblings.
• Avoid Asking "Who had it first?" and "Who started it?" - You are likely going to get two very different versions of the same story and it often leaves you in just as unsure a place as you were before. You may also end up erring on the side of the one with the better verbal skills or louder crying. Worse yet, you may be encouraging them to lie. The answer is to instead, state what you know, "I see you are struggling and both want that doll," then move forward together.
• Fair is Not Equal, Fair is Everyone Has Their Needs Met - This is a hard one to realize as so many parents strive to treat their children equally. Your children, however, are likely quite different from each other. They may be different ages and sexes. They may have strikingly different personalities. All of this means their needs are different. Let's say you are the parent of an impulsive seven year old boy and a reserved three and a half year old girl. Let's say on different days they each squabble over a toy and hit a playmate. Everyone having their needs met means it is okay that your discipline response is not the same even though their behavior was.

Parents with Different Discipline Styles

Dear Dr. Rene,
My husband and I don't parent in similar ways. He thinks I am too soft, I often think he is too hard on the kids in discipline. Should we work to find a simiar style or is it okay that we discipline in different ways?
Sincerely, Carol
Mother of Three


Dear Carol,
The fencepost answer - it would be nice to work on finding similar ways and it is fine to have different styles in parenting. Your children are going to develop a different relationship with you than they have with your husband. Think about it growing up, you likely had different relationships with your parents and in most families this works fine. It teaches children to be flexible.

When there are disagreements, the general guideline is whoever starts it, get to finish it. This means, unless it is abusive, whichever parent starts a discipline exchange is allowed to finish it. The second parent should avoid undermining or arguing with the first. The second should not rescue the child or change the discipline in anyway. Of course, if the first parent is asking for help or handing the child off, it is fine to move on and differ. If the first parent is not asking for help or handing off, the second should ONLY reinforce by saying something like, "Listen to your father." If you as the second parent REALLY disagree with the first, it is fine to take a few notes and discuss it later and well out of earshot of the child.

That said, it is nice when parents' styles are in sync. You might want to read a discipline book together or sign-up for a parenting workshop. Finding common ground would mean for smoother times in general.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
www.askdrrene.com

Aggressive 2 Year Old

Dear Dr. Hackney,

I attended your Positive Discipline class. Every time Sean (22 months) goes to hit someone, I say, "Hands down: hitting hurts" while holding his hands down. He seems to find this funny and just laughs every time I do it. Once his hands are free; he hits again. I don't feel like I am getting anywhere.

No matter how much I practice the "I" messages and empathy, he seems to overlook all that and go for the jugular. For example, he is transitioning to the two's class at daycare. Today, he was very upset about this, and as soon as we got to the class room, he starting trying to hit a little girl that came over to play with him. I practiced the positive discipline technique described above to no avail. I am realizing that Sean is a very willful child, but I need to be able to rein in this aggressive behavior. Any other ideas would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Jennifer
Mother of one, 22 months


Dear Jennifer,

The I messages and empathy at this little age are to build emotion language and to calm the caregiver. They don't tend to have a big impact on behavior until a bit later (3s) when children better understand their impact on others and reflect a bit on behavior. With that said, keep using the language because eventually you want him to use the language rather than the hitting, so he benefits from the continued modeling.

Right now, it is curbing such as "hands down" in a firm tone. If you can get in front of the behavior so to curb before it happens each time all the better; this means, expect it rather than be surprised. You could be coaching him as he approaches another to "be gentle."

The idea is also to coach and practice the better behaviors out of the moment when no one is hurting. So, tonight when you tuck him in, you might say, "I am touching you in a gentle way. Be gentle," while you touch his arm softly. Then say, "Can you touch mommy gentle?" (Hopefully) "Yes, that's gentle! I like when you are gentle." You are actively teaching a gentle touch. Do this every few days with similar language, and then start to incorporate that language as you coach in the moment; as he approaches a new friend, you might say, "Be gentle, gentle touches," and, hopefully, you are ready to say, "Hands down," and curb before it actually occurs. But you can't really start that and expect it to be effective until he gets the basic concept.

You might also add a bit of a consequence, such as when the hitting does happen to immediately move away from the activity at hand. Your language of consequence may be lost on him at that moment, but the actual follow through if it happens consistently may help to lessen the behavior. This means, if he hits someone in the block center, he is moved out and away from that center, sending the message "if you hit you must move to a different activity."

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/

Hitting at 22 months

Dear Dr. Hackney,

I attended your Positive Discipline class. Every time Sean (22 months) goes to hit someone, I say, "Hands down: hitting hurts" while holding his hands down. He seems to find this funny and just laughs every time I do it. Once his hands are free; he hits again. I don't feel like I am getting anywhere.

No matter how much I practice the "I" messages and empathy, he seems to overlook all that and go for the jugular. For example, he is transitioning to the two's class at daycare. Today, he was very upset about this, and as soon as we got to the class room, he starting trying to hit a little girl that came over to play with him. I practiced the positive discipline technique described above to no avail. I am realizing that Sean is a very willful child, but I need to be able to rein in this aggressive behavior. Any other ideas would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Jennifer, mother of son age 22 months

Hi Jennifer,

The I messages and empathy at this little age are to build emotion language and to calm the caregiver. They don't tend to have a big impact on behavior until a bit later (3s) when children better understand their impact on others and reflect a bit on behavior. With that said, keep using the language because eventually you want him to use the language rather than the hitting, so he benefits from the continued modeling.

Right now, it is curbing such as "hands down" in a firm tone. If you can get in front of the behavior so to curb before it happens each time all the better; this means, expect it rather than be surprised.

You could be coaching him as he approaches another to "be gentle." The idea is to first coach and practice the better behaviors out of the moment when no one is hurting. So, tonight when you tuck him in, you might say, "I am touching you in a gentle way. Be gentle," while you touch his arm softly. Then say, "Can you touch mommy gentle?" (Hopefully) "Yes, that's gentle! I like when you are gentle." You are actively teaching a gentle touch. Do this every few days with similar language, and then start to incorporate that language as you coach in the moment; as he approaches a new friend, you might say, "Be gentle, gentle touches," and, hopefully, you are ready to say, "Hands down," and curb before it actually occurs. But you can't really start that and expect it to be effective until he gets the basic concept.

You might also add a bit of a consequence, such as when the hitting does happen to immediately move away from the activity at hand. Your language of consequence may be lost on him at that moment, but the actual follow through if it happens consistently may help to lessen the behavior. This means, if he hits someone in the block center, he is moved out and away from that center, sending the message "if you hit you must move to a different activity."

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.