Dear Dr. Hackney,
I attended your Positive Discipline class. Every time Sean (22 months) goes to hit someone, I say, "Hands down: hitting hurts" while holding his hands down. He seems to find this funny and just laughs every time I do it. Once his hands are free; he hits again. I don't feel like I am getting anywhere.
No matter how much I practice the "I" messages and empathy, he seems to overlook all that and go for the jugular. For example, he is transitioning to the two's class at daycare. Today, he was very upset about this, and as soon as we got to the class room, he starting trying to hit a little girl that came over to play with him. I practiced the positive discipline technique described above to no avail. I am realizing that Sean is a very willful child, but I need to be able to rein in this aggressive behavior. Any other ideas would be appreciated.
Thanks,
Jennifer
Mother of one, 22 months
Dear Jennifer,
The I messages and empathy at this little age are to build emotion language and to calm the caregiver. They don't tend to have a big impact on behavior until a bit later (3s) when children better understand their impact on others and reflect a bit on behavior. With that said, keep using the language because eventually you want him to use the language rather than the hitting, so he benefits from the continued modeling.
Right now, it is curbing such as "hands down" in a firm tone. If you can get in front of the behavior so to curb before it happens each time all the better; this means, expect it rather than be surprised. You could be coaching him as he approaches another to "be gentle."
The idea is also to coach and practice the better behaviors out of the moment when no one is hurting. So, tonight when you tuck him in, you might say, "I am touching you in a gentle way. Be gentle," while you touch his arm softly. Then say, "Can you touch mommy gentle?" (Hopefully) "Yes, that's gentle! I like when you are gentle." You are actively teaching a gentle touch. Do this every few days with similar language, and then start to incorporate that language as you coach in the moment; as he approaches a new friend, you might say, "Be gentle, gentle touches," and, hopefully, you are ready to say, "Hands down," and curb before it actually occurs. But you can't really start that and expect it to be effective until he gets the basic concept.
You might also add a bit of a consequence, such as when the hitting does happen to immediately move away from the activity at hand. Your language of consequence may be lost on him at that moment, but the actual follow through if it happens consistently may help to lessen the behavior. This means, if he hits someone in the block center, he is moved out and away from that center, sending the message "if you hit you must move to a different activity."
Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Monday, March 24, 2008
Cursing
Dear Dr. Hackney,
Earlier this week, my six year old son was playing Legos, and when the tower he wasworking on fell over, he said "Oh F---!" I fairly calmly called him over and said something like "What did you say?" and then "Where did you hear that?" Of course, he said "From you!" We reap what we sow, eh? Anyway, I proceeded to tell him that it's about the worst word ever and that he must not ever say it again. He definitely understood my point.
So, this morning in the car with his dad and a classmate, out of nowhere he said "Oh F---." I forgot to tell my husband about the earlier time, so he didn't know our son already had been made aware of how unacceptable this is. My husband didn't make a big deal but basically said what I did (it's really bad; don't use it). I'm guessing you'd advise not to make a big deal out of it too, but what do we say to him to hopefully keep him from saying it again?
Sincerely,
Heather
Mother of two, ages 4 and 6 years
Dear Heather,
I know this is not funny at all when it is your own child. I have heard both my girls say a quick curse under their breath with my intonation. With that said, the first and most important way to curb this is to stop saying it yourself. There is little way to undo on-going modeling. You can lecture every day and then say it once, and all the good talk is gone. I now say "Oh Flip!" a lot.
Consensus says to not make a big deal. If you make a big deal you reinforce the power of the word and likely reinforce it to happen again. A big deal can add to the intrigue. He is old enough for you to introduce other-oriented consequences. Calmly and out of the moment, you might say, "Other parents won't like it if their children learn that word. They might not want you to play together." You might wait to see if it happens again before you take this approach, so you are not bringing it up if he's moved on. But, that is your call. Is he the type of child to move on? Other-oriented consequences highlight the impact for the child socially or the impact his behavior has on others. As children get to be five and six years old, the importance of social exchange should start to kick in.
Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.
Earlier this week, my six year old son was playing Legos, and when the tower he wasworking on fell over, he said "Oh F---!" I fairly calmly called him over and said something like "What did you say?" and then "Where did you hear that?" Of course, he said "From you!" We reap what we sow, eh? Anyway, I proceeded to tell him that it's about the worst word ever and that he must not ever say it again. He definitely understood my point.
So, this morning in the car with his dad and a classmate, out of nowhere he said "Oh F---." I forgot to tell my husband about the earlier time, so he didn't know our son already had been made aware of how unacceptable this is. My husband didn't make a big deal but basically said what I did (it's really bad; don't use it). I'm guessing you'd advise not to make a big deal out of it too, but what do we say to him to hopefully keep him from saying it again?
Sincerely,
Heather
Mother of two, ages 4 and 6 years
Dear Heather,
I know this is not funny at all when it is your own child. I have heard both my girls say a quick curse under their breath with my intonation. With that said, the first and most important way to curb this is to stop saying it yourself. There is little way to undo on-going modeling. You can lecture every day and then say it once, and all the good talk is gone. I now say "Oh Flip!" a lot.
Consensus says to not make a big deal. If you make a big deal you reinforce the power of the word and likely reinforce it to happen again. A big deal can add to the intrigue. He is old enough for you to introduce other-oriented consequences. Calmly and out of the moment, you might say, "Other parents won't like it if their children learn that word. They might not want you to play together." You might wait to see if it happens again before you take this approach, so you are not bringing it up if he's moved on. But, that is your call. Is he the type of child to move on? Other-oriented consequences highlight the impact for the child socially or the impact his behavior has on others. As children get to be five and six years old, the importance of social exchange should start to kick in.
Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Hitting at 22 months
Dear Dr. Hackney,
I attended your Positive Discipline class. Every time Sean (22 months) goes to hit someone, I say, "Hands down: hitting hurts" while holding his hands down. He seems to find this funny and just laughs every time I do it. Once his hands are free; he hits again. I don't feel like I am getting anywhere.
No matter how much I practice the "I" messages and empathy, he seems to overlook all that and go for the jugular. For example, he is transitioning to the two's class at daycare. Today, he was very upset about this, and as soon as we got to the class room, he starting trying to hit a little girl that came over to play with him. I practiced the positive discipline technique described above to no avail. I am realizing that Sean is a very willful child, but I need to be able to rein in this aggressive behavior. Any other ideas would be appreciated.
Thanks,
Jennifer, mother of son age 22 months
Hi Jennifer,
The I messages and empathy at this little age are to build emotion language and to calm the caregiver. They don't tend to have a big impact on behavior until a bit later (3s) when children better understand their impact on others and reflect a bit on behavior. With that said, keep using the language because eventually you want him to use the language rather than the hitting, so he benefits from the continued modeling.
Right now, it is curbing such as "hands down" in a firm tone. If you can get in front of the behavior so to curb before it happens each time all the better; this means, expect it rather than be surprised.
You could be coaching him as he approaches another to "be gentle." The idea is to first coach and practice the better behaviors out of the moment when no one is hurting. So, tonight when you tuck him in, you might say, "I am touching you in a gentle way. Be gentle," while you touch his arm softly. Then say, "Can you touch mommy gentle?" (Hopefully) "Yes, that's gentle! I like when you are gentle." You are actively teaching a gentle touch. Do this every few days with similar language, and then start to incorporate that language as you coach in the moment; as he approaches a new friend, you might say, "Be gentle, gentle touches," and, hopefully, you are ready to say, "Hands down," and curb before it actually occurs. But you can't really start that and expect it to be effective until he gets the basic concept.
You might also add a bit of a consequence, such as when the hitting does happen to immediately move away from the activity at hand. Your language of consequence may be lost on him at that moment, but the actual follow through if it happens consistently may help to lessen the behavior. This means, if he hits someone in the block center, he is moved out and away from that center, sending the message "if you hit you must move to a different activity."
Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.
I attended your Positive Discipline class. Every time Sean (22 months) goes to hit someone, I say, "Hands down: hitting hurts" while holding his hands down. He seems to find this funny and just laughs every time I do it. Once his hands are free; he hits again. I don't feel like I am getting anywhere.
No matter how much I practice the "I" messages and empathy, he seems to overlook all that and go for the jugular. For example, he is transitioning to the two's class at daycare. Today, he was very upset about this, and as soon as we got to the class room, he starting trying to hit a little girl that came over to play with him. I practiced the positive discipline technique described above to no avail. I am realizing that Sean is a very willful child, but I need to be able to rein in this aggressive behavior. Any other ideas would be appreciated.
Thanks,
Jennifer, mother of son age 22 months
Hi Jennifer,
The I messages and empathy at this little age are to build emotion language and to calm the caregiver. They don't tend to have a big impact on behavior until a bit later (3s) when children better understand their impact on others and reflect a bit on behavior. With that said, keep using the language because eventually you want him to use the language rather than the hitting, so he benefits from the continued modeling.
Right now, it is curbing such as "hands down" in a firm tone. If you can get in front of the behavior so to curb before it happens each time all the better; this means, expect it rather than be surprised.
You could be coaching him as he approaches another to "be gentle." The idea is to first coach and practice the better behaviors out of the moment when no one is hurting. So, tonight when you tuck him in, you might say, "I am touching you in a gentle way. Be gentle," while you touch his arm softly. Then say, "Can you touch mommy gentle?" (Hopefully) "Yes, that's gentle! I like when you are gentle." You are actively teaching a gentle touch. Do this every few days with similar language, and then start to incorporate that language as you coach in the moment; as he approaches a new friend, you might say, "Be gentle, gentle touches," and, hopefully, you are ready to say, "Hands down," and curb before it actually occurs. But you can't really start that and expect it to be effective until he gets the basic concept.
You might also add a bit of a consequence, such as when the hitting does happen to immediately move away from the activity at hand. Your language of consequence may be lost on him at that moment, but the actual follow through if it happens consistently may help to lessen the behavior. This means, if he hits someone in the block center, he is moved out and away from that center, sending the message "if you hit you must move to a different activity."
Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Rushed Mornings
Dear Dr. Hackney,
I have three children, and each morning, it is a struggle to get them off to school without losing my cool. We pick out clothes the night before, I wake them up with about 90 minutes before we have to leave, breakfast is finished and kids are usually dressed with at least 30 minutes before departure, teeth are brushed, no TV in the morning, which leaves them a little time to play. I give them a 5-10 minute warning before we have to head outside to the bus stop. After the five minutes, I have to ask them to put shoes on (repeatedly), coats (repeatedly), hats, gloves, etc. During this time, at least one is wanting a drink, the other very engrossed in a book, Legos, or simply not paying attention, or the little guy needs a diaper change. This is where my blood pressure starts to race and my voice rises, and no one is listening as I am rushing everyone out the door. What can I do to make the mornings easier aside from having them put their coats andshoes on at the 15 minute mark? Oh ,and during all this time, I have to get myself fed, dressed, and use the potty. I feel like my energy is already spent before my day has really begun. Any suggestions for managing my frustration and making morning more peaceful are truly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Patricia
Mother of three, ages 2, 4 and 6 years
Dear Patricia,
This is a case of “physician heal thyself.” As much as I know what to do, we all have rushed mornings at least occasionally.
There are several things that may be helpful in these moments. Not that you need less sleep, but you might get yourself dressed and fed before you wake them. This would free up your time to be with and to help them move along. You said they often have a full 30 minutes to play, so you could even just wake them a bit later to give yourself this time.
While it wouldn’t work for coats and hats, you could add shoes to the initial getting dressed routine. Every little bit helps.
At the 10 minute mark, I would ask, “Does anyone need to potty or have a drink? This is the time for going potty.” Or, you could have them each try the potty while in transition from pajamas to being dressed for the day.
If they are buried in Legos or eyes glazed over looking out the window, they may not even hear you, let alone know you are speaking to them directly. Before asking them to put on coats or shoes, be sure you have their attention. Say their name, touch their arm, get down on their level, gain eye contact, whisper, flick the lights or something to be sure you have their attention before you speak. If you don’t have their attention, of course, you are going to have to repeat yourself. The repetition itself is frustrating.
Along the same lines, stop repeating yourself. Every time you do, you are actively teaching them to not listen and instead to wait you out. If you say things five times over, you are teaching them you are willing to say things five times over. They are learning to wait you out at least that long, if not longer tomorrow. With that said, they are not going to magically listen the first time. This has been a habit shaped between you and your children for a long time; it takes real effort to fix. So, if tomorrow you decide to say things once “Please put on your shoes,” and they don’t listen, bite your tongue and take the shoes to the child or the child to the shoes and help them to listen. Over time, you are teaching them that you are only going to say things once, and you actually expect them to listen. This is a far better habit to be in than all the repetition, and it should be less frustrating. Be warned, while in the long run this will save you much time and energy, it is going to initially slow the process, so start early.
To get them moving, you might also offer choices in the process. “Would you like the red shoes or the blue?” “Do you want to put on your coat yourself or with help?” Choices encourage children to buy into the behavior.
As hard as it is, you might have success with making things more fun and more playful. You might say “Let’s see if you can get on your coats before mommy.” “Let’s sing ‘We’re Going on a Bear Hunt’ while we get ready.” Distraction can still work wonders at four and six years old, if it is a fun distraction.
Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.
I have three children, and each morning, it is a struggle to get them off to school without losing my cool. We pick out clothes the night before, I wake them up with about 90 minutes before we have to leave, breakfast is finished and kids are usually dressed with at least 30 minutes before departure, teeth are brushed, no TV in the morning, which leaves them a little time to play. I give them a 5-10 minute warning before we have to head outside to the bus stop. After the five minutes, I have to ask them to put shoes on (repeatedly), coats (repeatedly), hats, gloves, etc. During this time, at least one is wanting a drink, the other very engrossed in a book, Legos, or simply not paying attention, or the little guy needs a diaper change. This is where my blood pressure starts to race and my voice rises, and no one is listening as I am rushing everyone out the door. What can I do to make the mornings easier aside from having them put their coats andshoes on at the 15 minute mark? Oh ,and during all this time, I have to get myself fed, dressed, and use the potty. I feel like my energy is already spent before my day has really begun. Any suggestions for managing my frustration and making morning more peaceful are truly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Patricia
Mother of three, ages 2, 4 and 6 years
Dear Patricia,
This is a case of “physician heal thyself.” As much as I know what to do, we all have rushed mornings at least occasionally.
There are several things that may be helpful in these moments. Not that you need less sleep, but you might get yourself dressed and fed before you wake them. This would free up your time to be with and to help them move along. You said they often have a full 30 minutes to play, so you could even just wake them a bit later to give yourself this time.
While it wouldn’t work for coats and hats, you could add shoes to the initial getting dressed routine. Every little bit helps.
At the 10 minute mark, I would ask, “Does anyone need to potty or have a drink? This is the time for going potty.” Or, you could have them each try the potty while in transition from pajamas to being dressed for the day.
If they are buried in Legos or eyes glazed over looking out the window, they may not even hear you, let alone know you are speaking to them directly. Before asking them to put on coats or shoes, be sure you have their attention. Say their name, touch their arm, get down on their level, gain eye contact, whisper, flick the lights or something to be sure you have their attention before you speak. If you don’t have their attention, of course, you are going to have to repeat yourself. The repetition itself is frustrating.
Along the same lines, stop repeating yourself. Every time you do, you are actively teaching them to not listen and instead to wait you out. If you say things five times over, you are teaching them you are willing to say things five times over. They are learning to wait you out at least that long, if not longer tomorrow. With that said, they are not going to magically listen the first time. This has been a habit shaped between you and your children for a long time; it takes real effort to fix. So, if tomorrow you decide to say things once “Please put on your shoes,” and they don’t listen, bite your tongue and take the shoes to the child or the child to the shoes and help them to listen. Over time, you are teaching them that you are only going to say things once, and you actually expect them to listen. This is a far better habit to be in than all the repetition, and it should be less frustrating. Be warned, while in the long run this will save you much time and energy, it is going to initially slow the process, so start early.
To get them moving, you might also offer choices in the process. “Would you like the red shoes or the blue?” “Do you want to put on your coat yourself or with help?” Choices encourage children to buy into the behavior.
As hard as it is, you might have success with making things more fun and more playful. You might say “Let’s see if you can get on your coats before mommy.” “Let’s sing ‘We’re Going on a Bear Hunt’ while we get ready.” Distraction can still work wonders at four and six years old, if it is a fun distraction.
Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.
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