Social Entry

Social entry is how children get into ongoing play. Imagine you and your child walk into a busy preschool classroom. There are four children already playing in the housekeeping center and your child wants to join them. Social entry refers to how your child enters. It is also how you get into a conversation at a busy cocktail party.

There are a few ineffective ways to enter in. The first is the child who stands back and watches, waiting to be invited in. Unless those playing kids really, really need someone to be the dog likely your child will end up just standing alone. The other ineffective way to enter is the child who tries to take charge or change the on-going play as they enter.

It also tends to backfire if we send children in saying, "Go ask them 'Can I play?'" The power for the other children here is in saying "no" you want the power to be in saying "yes" which leads to our first tip.

Effective ways include

• Coach children to ask more specific questions as they enter play. Focus on questions that give the already playing children power in saying "yes." Such questions could include "How can I play?" or "What can I be?" Here the power for the playing children is in assigning roles so they are more likely to say "yes."
  
• Teach children to observe play first. Children will be more effective if they can join the action that is already taking place and to do this a child must know what is happening. A moment of observation can be helpful.
  
• Teach children to offer to help. If the playing children are building a tower, your child might say, "What can I build?" or "Do you need this block?" or more openly, "How can I help?"
  
• Coach children to compliment the children they want to join. I know this sounds a bit manipulative but it often works. if there is a group of children painting at the art table and your child walks over and says to one, "Wow, that's a pretty tree you painted! May I paint too?" the other is likely to make space.
  
• Teach children to join ongoing play rather than change the play as they enter. Children who try to change the play as they enter usually fail. They will be more successful if they join even for five minutes before suggesting the new activity.
  
• For children who feel shy to ask questions, it may be that they just need to physically join in the play. If there are ten children playing tag and running around, your child might just join in the running and be child eleven.

Increase Interest in Potty Training

Are you thinking about potty training in the near future? Have you been at it a while but stalled in the process? Is your child "just not interested"? These tips may help.

*Let Them Observe*
If you are at all comfortable with the idea, let them observe. Children learn best through modeling and taking them in with you provides this opportunity. Let them watch and answer any questions they have. By all means, if this is uncomfortable don't do it.

*Talk Them Through*
Talking them through the process can start while you are still changing diapers. You can talk about how they poop and pee and you can label bodyparts. You can talk about how someday they will go on the potty. When they observe you in the bathroom, you can talk about all that you are doing includng flushing and washing. Once you are making the transition you can add language about "that feeling in their tummy that means they need to go."

*Read the Books & Watch the Videos*
There are many good potty training books and videos on the market. The idea is to casually mix in the books with your other story times and the videos with your viewing time.

*Change All Diapers In or Just Outside the Bathroom*
Stop changing diapers all over the house. The first benefit is that children who hadn't already may start associating the bathroom with going potty. The second benefit is that children who just don't want to stop playing to go potty have to whether they make it or not. This goes for when you are out running errands as well, find a bathroom.

*Dump or Hold Over Their Potty*
This idea also helps children to make the potty connection. Whenever you change a poopie diaper walk with the child into the bathroom and dump the poop into their potty saying "the poop goes in the potty" and then flush or clean as you would have. If it is a wet diaper, you can just hold the diaper over their potty saying "the peepee goes in the potty." I know this may create an extra step but may be helpful in the process.

*Sit and Relax*
Some children are too nervous to have success if the push is to "sit and try." If this is the case, it may be best to shift the focus to "sit and relax," sit together and talk or sing or read books or put on finger plays.

*Presenting the Potty OR Making It Their Own*
This means make the initial presenting of the potty fun. Maybe take a special shopping trip to pick out a potty or let them help choose which potty seat they like. If the potty is already out, you've been trying for a while already or they have older siblings, have a potty decorating day. You might let them put stickers on the (cleaned) lid or make a poster for the wall behind the potty, something to celebrate that the potty is now theirs.

*Descriptive Praise*
Descriptive praise works to build intrinsic motivation for behavior. In the case of potty training it sounds like, "You knew you had to go!" "You got there so fast!" and "Look, you put your poop right in the potty!" You are describing back their behavior, focused on effort and progress. This helps to give them ownership of the process.

*Underwear as an Under Layer*
For some children, diapers and pull-ups may work too well. Because these products are so absorbent children may not recognize that they are wet. If this seems to be the case, you might have them wear underwear under their pull-up or diaper. This way they get wet just not the floor.

*Take a Tour of Potties*
Start pointing out potties everywhere you go. Talk about how there are potties in restaurants, stores and in other people's homes. If there is time, you might visit the potties. We took the tour at relatives' and close family friends' houses.

Independent Play

Tips for Encouraging Independent Play

* First, pinpoint any particular needy times and plan accordingly. If your childis an early riser and always in need of company at that time or if they need to reconnect when parents first return home, don't expect those to be times for independentplay.

* Try starting activities together that the child can continue alone. if your childreally enjoys and has success with puzzles, take out a stck and start together. Once the child is engaged make a trip away by saying something like, "I need tocheck on something in the kitchen, I will be back in a few minutes." Leave andreturn in just a few minutes to check in. If all is going well you might make a few encouraging comments such as, "You've gotten two whole puzzles done!" and then take another trip. As the trips get longer just be sure to continue checkingin. Children given encouragment are more likely to stick with it than if left completely alone. Many times parents try to get kids to start something independently. Thisis often less successful.

* Set aside specific times TO PLAY. Some children worry that they won't get anytime with you if they don't follow your every move and ask to play constantly. Giving them a time they can count on may aleviate this worry. It helps some ifthis play is the same time every day (think the needy times) but it can be differentas long as it is your priority.

* Give children something to do that is similar to what you are doing. If you needtime on the computer place their leappads nearby. If you need time cooking in thekitchen give them pots and pans with spoons and a little bit of water to play with.

* Explain why you need the time. Even very young children may appreciate an explanation. This can be as simple as "Mommy has a few calls to make. I need quiet for 10 minutes."

* Arrange playdates (if this is helpful). Once children are a bit older, they maywant a friend to help spend their time. You may have to have several playdates to find a mix of children that can play together nicely for more than a few minutesbut if you find that match it is priceless. For others, the playdates are never really helpful. Some need more supervision on playdates and there is no way you'dleave them alone.

* Create a space that builds on their interests. If your child is very into picturebooks make a cozy reading corner that invites them in. Big beanbags, a low faceout book shelf, maybe a tape player for books on tape and a few related things like puppets.

* Limit TV and screentime. When parents hear this many of them argue, "But this is their independent time!" While children are viewing they are being otherwiseentertained and learning nothing about independent play. They are learning to bemore dependent.

* Boredom is a good thing. Many parent worry about their children being bored whenleft to play alone. This boredom is what sparks creativity, allows children to explore their interests and leads to better quality independent play. It is goodfor kids to have real downtime. At a minimum think an hour a day of unstructuredjust go play time. Time when they are in charge of what to do next.

Difficult Transitions

Dear Dr. Hackney,

I have two 18-month-old boys and want to know a good way to transition them from one task to another, especially when they don't want to end the initial task. For example, when they have to leave a fun activity to go home, I find that at this age, giving a five minute warning doesn't seem to work since they don't grasp time. My goal is to minimize tantrums and blow-ups.

Thanks,
Annie
Mother of two 18-month-old boys

Dear Annie,

There are lots of ways to calm transitions. While you are right, they don’t grasp time, giving a five minute warning can be helpful. If when you say “five minutes” you actually mean five minutes and stick to it, they will learn what this means, and it becomes helpful long before they can tell time. If when you say “five minutes” you sometimes mean five minutes and sometimes mean twenty minutes, the warning is meaningless.

As long as you are consistent, you can use a song to let them know it is time to go. We had a family at our office that sang the Jeopardy jiggle with their two-year-old when it was about time to leave. They would hold a hand and rock a bit while they sang, and by the end of the tune, they would be waving good-bye. Their child was always tickled by the song.

You might also create a “goodbye ritual” such as whenever it is time to leave, we will high-five those we are leaving behind. This means you have to find someone to high-five which may be awkward among strangers, but it gives the boys something to actively do when it is time to leave.

You might have luck giving them responsibilities as you go. Asking one to be the bag carrier or the door holder gets them proactively involved in the moment. This idea of contribution helps to bypass power struggles.

When it is possible, you might allow them to take something with them as they leave. This might be easiest when you are leaving your own house and transitioning out. If they were busy with building blocks, taking one along for the ride might make parting easier.

Empathy might be helpful in these moments. Saying, “Wow, you are frustrated. You don’t want to leave,” may help to calm the brewing tantrum. When we validate emotions children tend to calm.

You might also give them choices about how to leave. Once it is time, you might say, “Do you want to hop or stomp to the car?” or “Do you want to hold my hand or my pocket while we go?” Choices give children an out and avoid the need for discipline.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/

5 Year Old Control Issue

Dear Dr. Hackney,

My daughter is five-years-old and on the stubborn side. Her room is very tiny, and she needs more play space, particularly for a dollhouse Santa brought. I told her my plans: Container Store designed an Elfa closet with play space and shelves on the bottom half, leaving the top half for clothes. We bought it.

I would like to take off the closet doors and hang some Pottery Barn flowing curtains that can be hooked back for play time as the sliding doors block a lot of access. She already has had yelling fits whenever I it is brought up. She does not want the doors off or it changed at all. I tried to include her in the purchasing of items. If I do it when she is not home, she might tear down the curtains and dump all the doll baskets out. What kind of control issue is this? Should she be able to decide about "her" room? If she were older, I would think so, but at five? We talked about things she gets choice over, and things she doesn't. What is this all about? And, what should I try?

Thanks,
Lori
Mother of two, ages five- and eight-years-old


Dear Lori,

I know it seems like a small deal to switch doors for curtains, and from your mom perspective, it would only be beneficial. Clearly, from your daughter’s perspective, this is wrong on both counts.

There are several rather predictable stages in a move towards independence. Around two- or three-years-old, many children go through a stage of wanting to do everything for themselves. Around five or six, they want more say over their schedule, their routines, and the structure of their day. At nine or ten, there is a push for physical independence. They don’t want to sit at your feet during their sibling’s soccer game; they want to sit away and with their friends. Around twelve or thirteen, there is a push for increased privacy. They need things you don’t know fully about. That push at five or six may very much be what this is about. It is a time to let them pick their clothes and decorate their room. It is a time to provide them more choice about their activities and the order of their days.

With that said, you may still have some luck by giving her choices about the curtains. Take her to a fabric store, encourage her to browse, and once she finds a few things she likes, suggest that she might want to pick one of those to be her cabinet curtains. Then, let her pick the material. You might end up with bright purple and fuzzy rather than flowing and yellow, but the access would be gained.

I would not simply make the changes when she is not home. She would likely have bad feelings about that cabinet for some time to come.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/

Playful at the Dinnertable

Dear Dr. Hackney,

My nearly three year old daughter, Natalie, is a picky eater. Actually, she'll eat a variety of foods, but only after I literally beg her to try the first bite. For example, we'll sit at dinner with chicken and salad; she’s eaten chicken a million times. But, she will sit and eat the tomatoes out of her salad and nothing else until I beg her to try one piece of chicken, just to show her that it is something she likes. Once she tries it, she finishes her plate.

The other day, she wouldn't try turkey; although, she has had it before and liked it. Jokingly, I said, "Ok, don't eat the turkey." Sure enough, she put it in her mouth. Again, I said "Please don't eat all this turkey," and she ate it all. So, if I tell her not to eat, she'll eat until she’s full.

Dinner times can be stressful because of either the exchange or lack of eating altogether. When she doesn’t eat, she is distracted by other things and wants to get down. This is disruptive for everyone at mealtime. Although, since we’ve started this “reverse psychology” technique, dinners have been much better.

I've tried letting her not eat and be hungry, hoping that the next time she will eat. But that doesn't seem to have worked. Am I shooting myself in the foot by sabotaging later discipline efforts?

Thank you,
Abigail
Mother of two, ages two and six months

Hi Abigail,

I think you are fine here. As long as you keep it a playful tone and in fun, it is not likely to be confused with times when you mean no. Also, when it loses its appeal, which someday it will, it won’t feel like its’ turned into pressure or frustration. In fact, to make it last longer, don't do it at every meal or, better yet, every day. The more it can be an intermittent tactic, the longer it should last. I am all about making food fun and being playful. The more they enjoy mealtimes, the more they should be relaxed about eating. That said, one should steer clear of pressure to eat but this doesn’t feel like pressure to me.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/

Life Lessons at 2

Dear Dr. Hackney,

I am writing to ask if your classes cover how to teach toddlers, more specifically - the parents, the important “rules?” Our 2 ½ year-old son decided to leave the house alone to find me after I left to walk the dog. Someone was definitely looking over us tonight as a policeman found him. I know that how we handled the situation did not sync-in, and he doesn't realize the gravity of the situation. We have worked on how to ensure he cannot go out of the house without someone, but how do we teach the "life" lessons that are so important?

Please let me know if there is a specific class that helps to address this or if you can help us with private counseling.

Regards,
Maura
Mother of 2 ½ year-old son

Dear Maura,

I wish I had a better answer for you, but no matter how you handle a situation like this, a 2 1/2 year-old may not realize the gravity of it. They have little to no appreciation for the "what ifs" in life and only a slight sense of past and future happenings.

With that said, it can be helpful to keep your emotional response of fear and worry in these moments. If you shift to anger (which many folks do), you may lose impact as they see you angry far more often than they see you afraid or worried.

You might also try to replay the positive behaviors; this means saying, "You ask before you open the doors" and then practicing him asking to open the exterior doors. Do this repeatedly, and remind him every time he goes to open a door to the outside. When he does finally remember to ask, reinforce by saying, "You asked, that is the safe thing to do!" This isn't insurance that it will work every time, nothing is, but it may go a long way toward lessening the behavior.

Work hard to ensure he can't get out again; think high placed locks.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/

Aggressive 2 Year Old

Dear Dr. Hackney,

I attended your Positive Discipline class. Every time Sean (22 months) goes to hit someone, I say, "Hands down: hitting hurts" while holding his hands down. He seems to find this funny and just laughs every time I do it. Once his hands are free; he hits again. I don't feel like I am getting anywhere.

No matter how much I practice the "I" messages and empathy, he seems to overlook all that and go for the jugular. For example, he is transitioning to the two's class at daycare. Today, he was very upset about this, and as soon as we got to the class room, he starting trying to hit a little girl that came over to play with him. I practiced the positive discipline technique described above to no avail. I am realizing that Sean is a very willful child, but I need to be able to rein in this aggressive behavior. Any other ideas would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Jennifer
Mother of one, 22 months


Dear Jennifer,

The I messages and empathy at this little age are to build emotion language and to calm the caregiver. They don't tend to have a big impact on behavior until a bit later (3s) when children better understand their impact on others and reflect a bit on behavior. With that said, keep using the language because eventually you want him to use the language rather than the hitting, so he benefits from the continued modeling.

Right now, it is curbing such as "hands down" in a firm tone. If you can get in front of the behavior so to curb before it happens each time all the better; this means, expect it rather than be surprised. You could be coaching him as he approaches another to "be gentle."

The idea is also to coach and practice the better behaviors out of the moment when no one is hurting. So, tonight when you tuck him in, you might say, "I am touching you in a gentle way. Be gentle," while you touch his arm softly. Then say, "Can you touch mommy gentle?" (Hopefully) "Yes, that's gentle! I like when you are gentle." You are actively teaching a gentle touch. Do this every few days with similar language, and then start to incorporate that language as you coach in the moment; as he approaches a new friend, you might say, "Be gentle, gentle touches," and, hopefully, you are ready to say, "Hands down," and curb before it actually occurs. But you can't really start that and expect it to be effective until he gets the basic concept.

You might also add a bit of a consequence, such as when the hitting does happen to immediately move away from the activity at hand. Your language of consequence may be lost on him at that moment, but the actual follow through if it happens consistently may help to lessen the behavior. This means, if he hits someone in the block center, he is moved out and away from that center, sending the message "if you hit you must move to a different activity."

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/

Cursing

Dear Dr. Hackney,

Earlier this week, my six year old son was playing Legos, and when the tower he wasworking on fell over, he said "Oh F---!" I fairly calmly called him over and said something like "What did you say?" and then "Where did you hear that?" Of course, he said "From you!" We reap what we sow, eh? Anyway, I proceeded to tell him that it's about the worst word ever and that he must not ever say it again. He definitely understood my point.

So, this morning in the car with his dad and a classmate, out of nowhere he said "Oh F---." I forgot to tell my husband about the earlier time, so he didn't know our son already had been made aware of how unacceptable this is. My husband didn't make a big deal but basically said what I did (it's really bad; don't use it). I'm guessing you'd advise not to make a big deal out of it too, but what do we say to him to hopefully keep him from saying it again?

Sincerely,
Heather
Mother of two, ages 4 and 6 years


Dear Heather,

I know this is not funny at all when it is your own child. I have heard both my girls say a quick curse under their breath with my intonation. With that said, the first and most important way to curb this is to stop saying it yourself. There is little way to undo on-going modeling. You can lecture every day and then say it once, and all the good talk is gone. I now say "Oh Flip!" a lot.

Consensus says to not make a big deal. If you make a big deal you reinforce the power of the word and likely reinforce it to happen again. A big deal can add to the intrigue. He is old enough for you to introduce other-oriented consequences. Calmly and out of the moment, you might say, "Other parents won't like it if their children learn that word. They might not want you to play together." You might wait to see if it happens again before you take this approach, so you are not bringing it up if he's moved on. But, that is your call. Is he the type of child to move on? Other-oriented consequences highlight the impact for the child socially or the impact his behavior has on others. As children get to be five and six years old, the importance of social exchange should start to kick in.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.

Hitting at 22 months

Dear Dr. Hackney,

I attended your Positive Discipline class. Every time Sean (22 months) goes to hit someone, I say, "Hands down: hitting hurts" while holding his hands down. He seems to find this funny and just laughs every time I do it. Once his hands are free; he hits again. I don't feel like I am getting anywhere.

No matter how much I practice the "I" messages and empathy, he seems to overlook all that and go for the jugular. For example, he is transitioning to the two's class at daycare. Today, he was very upset about this, and as soon as we got to the class room, he starting trying to hit a little girl that came over to play with him. I practiced the positive discipline technique described above to no avail. I am realizing that Sean is a very willful child, but I need to be able to rein in this aggressive behavior. Any other ideas would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Jennifer, mother of son age 22 months

Hi Jennifer,

The I messages and empathy at this little age are to build emotion language and to calm the caregiver. They don't tend to have a big impact on behavior until a bit later (3s) when children better understand their impact on others and reflect a bit on behavior. With that said, keep using the language because eventually you want him to use the language rather than the hitting, so he benefits from the continued modeling.

Right now, it is curbing such as "hands down" in a firm tone. If you can get in front of the behavior so to curb before it happens each time all the better; this means, expect it rather than be surprised.

You could be coaching him as he approaches another to "be gentle." The idea is to first coach and practice the better behaviors out of the moment when no one is hurting. So, tonight when you tuck him in, you might say, "I am touching you in a gentle way. Be gentle," while you touch his arm softly. Then say, "Can you touch mommy gentle?" (Hopefully) "Yes, that's gentle! I like when you are gentle." You are actively teaching a gentle touch. Do this every few days with similar language, and then start to incorporate that language as you coach in the moment; as he approaches a new friend, you might say, "Be gentle, gentle touches," and, hopefully, you are ready to say, "Hands down," and curb before it actually occurs. But you can't really start that and expect it to be effective until he gets the basic concept.

You might also add a bit of a consequence, such as when the hitting does happen to immediately move away from the activity at hand. Your language of consequence may be lost on him at that moment, but the actual follow through if it happens consistently may help to lessen the behavior. This means, if he hits someone in the block center, he is moved out and away from that center, sending the message "if you hit you must move to a different activity."

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.

Rushed Mornings

Dear Dr. Hackney,

I have three children, and each morning, it is a struggle to get them off to school without losing my cool. We pick out clothes the night before, I wake them up with about 90 minutes before we have to leave, breakfast is finished and kids are usually dressed with at least 30 minutes before departure, teeth are brushed, no TV in the morning, which leaves them a little time to play. I give them a 5-10 minute warning before we have to head outside to the bus stop. After the five minutes, I have to ask them to put shoes on (repeatedly), coats (repeatedly), hats, gloves, etc. During this time, at least one is wanting a drink, the other very engrossed in a book, Legos, or simply not paying attention, or the little guy needs a diaper change. This is where my blood pressure starts to race and my voice rises, and no one is listening as I am rushing everyone out the door. What can I do to make the mornings easier aside from having them put their coats andshoes on at the 15 minute mark? Oh ,and during all this time, I have to get myself fed, dressed, and use the potty. I feel like my energy is already spent before my day has really begun. Any suggestions for managing my frustration and making morning more peaceful are truly appreciated.

Sincerely,
Patricia
Mother of three, ages 2, 4 and 6 years


Dear Patricia,

This is a case of “physician heal thyself.” As much as I know what to do, we all have rushed mornings at least occasionally.

There are several things that may be helpful in these moments. Not that you need less sleep, but you might get yourself dressed and fed before you wake them. This would free up your time to be with and to help them move along. You said they often have a full 30 minutes to play, so you could even just wake them a bit later to give yourself this time.

While it wouldn’t work for coats and hats, you could add shoes to the initial getting dressed routine. Every little bit helps.

At the 10 minute mark, I would ask, “Does anyone need to potty or have a drink? This is the time for going potty.” Or, you could have them each try the potty while in transition from pajamas to being dressed for the day.

If they are buried in Legos or eyes glazed over looking out the window, they may not even hear you, let alone know you are speaking to them directly. Before asking them to put on coats or shoes, be sure you have their attention. Say their name, touch their arm, get down on their level, gain eye contact, whisper, flick the lights or something to be sure you have their attention before you speak. If you don’t have their attention, of course, you are going to have to repeat yourself. The repetition itself is frustrating.

Along the same lines, stop repeating yourself. Every time you do, you are actively teaching them to not listen and instead to wait you out. If you say things five times over, you are teaching them you are willing to say things five times over. They are learning to wait you out at least that long, if not longer tomorrow. With that said, they are not going to magically listen the first time. This has been a habit shaped between you and your children for a long time; it takes real effort to fix. So, if tomorrow you decide to say things once “Please put on your shoes,” and they don’t listen, bite your tongue and take the shoes to the child or the child to the shoes and help them to listen. Over time, you are teaching them that you are only going to say things once, and you actually expect them to listen. This is a far better habit to be in than all the repetition, and it should be less frustrating. Be warned, while in the long run this will save you much time and energy, it is going to initially slow the process, so start early.

To get them moving, you might also offer choices in the process. “Would you like the red shoes or the blue?” “Do you want to put on your coat yourself or with help?” Choices encourage children to buy into the behavior.

As hard as it is, you might have success with making things more fun and more playful. You might say “Let’s see if you can get on your coats before mommy.” “Let’s sing ‘We’re Going on a Bear Hunt’ while we get ready.” Distraction can still work wonders at four and six years old, if it is a fun distraction.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.

Excuses for Sleep

Hello Dr. Hackney,

I have a 3 ½ year old and a 2 ½ year who share a room. We have a bedtime routine of bath time and reading two to three books. My husband and I then try to put our kids to bed by 8:15. The problem we are having is once we put our kids in their beds, they try to come up with every excuse not to go to sleep. They cry, they ask us for milk, they want to tell us something, and then they repeatedly get out of their beds for about an hour. My husband I try to be firm and put them back in bed. We also will try to comfort them when they are upset. Do you have any suggestions they could help with our getting them to go to bed?

Thanks for your help,
Tricia Eckert, mother of two


Hi Tricia,

Consistency may be the key. Right now, you “try” to put them back in bed, and other times, you comfort when they are upset. They are likely finding ways to either keep you in the room or at least keep your attention.

Proactively, you might lay some ground rules, such as they can have one cup of water by the bed but no getting up or having milk. You might also do a bed check by asking, “Before we tuck in for the night, is there anything else you need?”

If you decide to repeatedly put them back to bed, you must do this in a consistent and low-key way to curb behavior. Being a broken record in these moments requires you to develop a mantra and maintain your cool. The broken record repeats itself with no changes in delivery. This is seen as being one of the better ways to break your child’s habit of getting out of bed over and over again. When we switched my daughter Alicen from the crib to a toddler bed, she got out over forty times before she fell asleep the first night. Each time, I said in the same tone, “You must stay in bed,” and guided her back in the same way. The second night, in took about twenty times, and the third night, it then took eight, and it was over. Occasionally, that behavior came back, but with a consistent response, it never seemed out of hand again. Be warned, if you are going to lose your cool at time seventeen, don’t even start. What happens if you get to time seventeen and then yell at the child, take them roughly back to bed or stop to comfort them? You reinforce the behavior because they got your attention. Seventeen is the new goal if not longer because they found your breaking point.

You might also try to reinforce the behavior you are looking for. At the end of the bedtime routine, as you tuck them in bed and say, “If you are laying down and quiet, I will come in and pat your back.” Leave the room, but if they are laying down and quiet, go back in within a minute or two, and pat their back. Do this with little language, and stay less than 30 seconds, and then state, “If you are laying down and quiet, I’ll be back to pat again.” Each time, stay gone a bit longer. We did this years ago, and I still check on the girls every 15 minutes or so to pat. It doesn’t have to be patting, it can be to “sit with you, rub your back,” or whatever you think would work best.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.

Teach Sharing

Dear Dr. Hackney,

What are the best ways to foster sharing among toddlers? There is "taking turns" and there is taking the toy away if they can't share it, but I'm wondering if there are other techniques as well.

Thank you!
Blog Reader, February 2008


Dear Reader,

Under three years-old, your best bet is to focus on turn-taking. Sharing is an abstract thing. No one really has full ownership, and everyone might all touch at the same time. This can be hard for toddlers to manage. Turn-taking is much more concrete - I have it to myself for a while, then you have it to yourself. If I am patient, I can have another turn when you are done.

If your child is having difficulty with turn-taking, you might more actively practice. If he is playing at the train table when you come in the playroom, you could pick up an unused train and say out loud, “Wow! The green engine. I am going to take a turn with this train.” If he wants the green one immediately, you can say, “Oh, you would like a turn? I am taking a turn but will be done in just a minute, and you can have the next turn.” Role the train for just a bit longer, and then say, “I am done; you can have a turn now.” You might add, “When you are done, can I have another turn?” Then when he is done, if he remembers to give it back you, say, “You remembered I wanted a turn; that was thoughtful!” If he forgets, you say, “Oh, remember I want the next turn,” and prompt him to hand it to you. Again, this can take some time.

Whenever you find yourself sharing something with your child, describe to them what you are doing. “Look at mommy! I am sharing my yogurt with you. I was eating yogurt, and you want some, so I am sharing!”

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.

Bossy Children

Dear Dr. Hackney,

How does one curb in a child who always is trying to boss around other children and is telling them what to do, how to do it, when to do it and so on?

Thank You!
Blog Reader, February 2008


Dear Reader,

You might try to give her more productive ways to be a leader, such as putting her in charge of clean-up or letting her decide who sits where at the dinner table. Other times during the day, you can say, “Thank you, but this is not your job. Your job today was seat-assigner. You were really helpful at that.”

You also might try to implement Stanley Greenspan’s Floortime which is a specific type of parent-child play that is to be practiced 20 minutes per day. Floortime gives children a chance to be the leaders in play. When playing this game, it may give her leadership voice an outlet that you can live with better.

In other moments of bossiness, you might model the language you would prefer she use. This means if she tells another child, “Chrissy, you need to move over here and play with this doll!” You might say, “Well, let’s ask Chrissy. Chrissy, do you want to sit here and play with this doll?” Then turn to your child and suggest, “That would be a nice way to ask Chrissy.” As you are going to review this often over time, it is best to go at it in a light way not heavy, meaning this is not a time for consequences. If you intervene often when she is being bossy and redirect her to asking from telling, hopefully, she will pick up on the preferred approach.

You might also have a related discussion later in the day to reinforce the new language. As you tuck her in bed, you might say, “Today, when Chrissy was here to play, did you hear mommy ask her if she wanted to move and play with another doll? I think Chrissy likes being asked to move rather than being told to move. What do you think?”

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.

Second Snack at School

Dear Dr. Hackney,

My daughter Maggie brings a snack to school for half-day Kindergarten. She usually brings water and a granola bar. She has discovered that her teacher has snacks for kids who forget their snack. These are sometimes more inviting than hers (chocolate Teddy Grams today). Occasionally, Maggie is eating her snack and then telling the teacher she doesn't have one or doesn’t like the one she brought and gets another one.

I’m concerned because Maggie and I are in the midst of an ongoing dialogue, argument, about food, which I know is not a good dynamic. When I approached the teacher, she just laughed about it and said she knew Maggie just wanted the other snack. I don't want to set up a dynamic where she is eating two snacks or a power issue around food between Maggie and me.

Sincerely,
Karen
Mother of two, ages 3 and 5 years

Dear Karen,
My first comment is you are right; you don't want to be arguing about food intake with Maggie. It is not a good pattern and can easily send a wide variety of wrong messages about foods. It also opens the door to food as a battle ground in general.

I also think it is fine that you want her to have just one snack and you want it to be the snack you provide. It seems your issue here should be more with the teacher and less with Maggie. You are well within your rights to ask the teacher to give Maggie a snack only on the days you actually forget. Otherwise, I would make it clear (nicely and out of Maggie's earshot) that you want her to be offered what you provide and not a second choice or snack. You can blame it easily on that she's not eating as much of her lunch (or dinner) because she is filling up on the snacks. You can also assert that you are trying to focus on healthy choices without making it a big issue with Maggie and the extra or replacement snacks are undermining your efforts. Again, this is with the teacher not Maggie. It is best if Maggie is not a part of this process. Hopefully, the teacher will just remind her by saying, "Oh, you already have your snack today" or "If you have something from home that is your snack."

To help your cause, shake up things by providing a variety of snacks from day to day. Try to be fun, and ask Maggie to make some choices about what snack should be.

If the teacher laughs again when you bring it up, you can say, "No, really..." And ask for her to support you and, hopefully, not to blame you when she is not sharing those snacks as often.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.

Bribes to Eat Vegis

Dear Dr. Hackney,

My six year old daughter is a very picky eater. We bribe her to eat vegetables and end up negotiating over food at every meal. This doesn’t feel right, but it seems the only way to get her to eat. Please help!

Sincerely,
Janice
Mother of three, ages six, three and one years old


Dear Janice,

Wow, this sounds frustrating! I can imagine that dinner is not an enjoyable time in your house. While I know there can be a great push to encourage children to eat, the pressure likely will backfire. The more pressure, the less likely they are to eat those foods willingly the next go around. When you bribe a child by saying, “If you eat your broccoli, you can have some applesauce,” you are agreeing with her. Your bribe sends the message, “Broccoli stinks! You should be rewarded for eating it.” The next time broccoli is presented, she is LESS likely to eat it because it was an obstacle in the way of applesauce. Applesauce is a more sought after food because it was preferred and is now a reward.

The answer is to avoid bribery all together. As a general guideline, parents are in charge of what is offered, and children are in charge of what and how much of that they eat. Following this, parents offer a wide range of healthy choices for breakfast, lunch, snacks and dinner. Once it is on their plate, children get to pick and choose. If you find your child still isn’t eating vegetables, you still don’t force her. You are in charge of what is offered, so you offer more vegetables in a wider range of ways. You might offer a vegetable omelet for breakfast, vegetables with dip for snack, or grilled vegetable sandwich for lunch, etc.

I think it is fine to hide ingredients. Make zucchini bread, and call it magic bread. Shred broccoli under the cheese on pizza. This is also a fine time to practice contribution. The more children are choosing the vegetables at the store, washing them in the sink and scooping them to the plate, the more likely they are to eat them.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.

refuses to poop on potty

Dear Dr. Hackney,

My 3 ½ year-old son is consistently potty-trained for pee but continues to want diapers for poop. If we refuse diapers, he soils his underwear. What do we do to help him along?

Sincerely,
Maya
Mother of one, three years old

Dear Maya,

First, realize this is NOT an uncommon problem.

Second, relax a little. The “potties without pressure” approach, which is currently supported by the American Academy of Pediatrics, suggests that potty-training progress at the child’s pace. This means if the child expresses he is not ready to move forward, then the parent slows the process.

Following this approach, the average age for successful potty-training is three years old. Three years old is described as “average” as girls tend to be ready earlier (two and a half to three), boys often later (three to three and a half). In this particular case, the child is well within normal limits for potty-training.

It is suggested that children who are otherwise potty-trained but continue to want a diaper for bowel movements be given one and then cleaned and changed as usual. By all means, applaud the successes of the child peeing in the potty but allow for diapers when they are specifically requested with as little negative emotion as possible. If you must comment, say something as mild as, “I am glad you let me know you need a diaper. I know when you are ready, you’ll do that in the potty as well.”

You can gently encourage progress by allowing children to observe you or willing siblings in the bathroom, talking them through the process and mixing in potty oriented storybooks and videos with your other media. You can also take a wet or soiled diaper, with the child in tow, and empty the poop or place the wet diaper into their little potty while saying, “See, this goes in here.” Then empty and clean the potty as you usually would. For some children, this provides a beneficial cognitive connection between their bodily functions and the expectations of potty-training.

The potties without pressure approach defines the parent’s role as recognizing signs of readiness and offering lots of support and encouragement along the way. Signs of readiness include potty talk (“I peed,” or “I go poop.”), potty play (dolls going potty or trucks getting diapers), an awareness of body parts and functions, longer dry times or more predictable bowel movements, increased imitation in play, ability to follow three-step directions (“Go to the kitchen, get your shoes and meet me by the door.”) and an interest in learning the new set of skills.

This approach identifies several signs that children are NOT ready for potty-training. Children who resist the process and protest the practice loudly are likely not ready to proceed. Children who hide to potty are likely not quite ready. It seems to many parents that children must be ready as they are able to recognize they need to go and actually get somewhere to do it. This is seen as a sign that they are physically ready, just not emotionally ready. Children who sit for a while and then stand nearby to poop or pee on the floor may be feeling too tense while sitting on the potty. If this is the case, it is suggested that parents encourage children to “sit and relax” rather than “sit and try.” The language of “sit and try” may make children nervous and when one is nervous and has tight muscles, it is hard to go potty. Once these children get off the potty, they relax and then, unfortunately, void nearby.

Overall, recognize the signs of readiness and provide lots of support and opportunities for success at the child’s pace.
Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.

Learn Thru Play

Dear Dr. Hackney,

Our four year-old is scheduled to start Kindergarten in the fall of 2008. We want her to be ready. Should we encourage her to “learn through play” or introduce academics?

Sincerely,
Rina, Mother of one
Four years-old

Dear Rina,

You can and should be doing both. The idea of “learning through play” is the most appropriate approach to teaching young children prior to school entry. This approach is likely to capture their interest and keep them involved in the learning process. Unfortunately though, many parents assume this means just letting their children go play and, as a result, their children will learn what they need for later school success. By all means, learning through play should be more structured and incorporate academic ideas.

In the years before Kindergarten, learning through play might include activities to teach the alphabet shapes and sounds. The focus is just on keeping the process fun. You can name a ‘Letter of the Week.’ It’s often best to start with the first letter of your child’s name, and then, plan lots of fun activities around that letter. For example, if your child’s name begins with the letter “A” you could have an A-hunt in the grocery store, finding all the upper and/or lower case letters you can. You could make a jar collection of all the small things you can find that start with that letter. You could plan an A-meal day, offering at least one food that starts with A at each meal. You can trace, cut and paint the letter. Then pick another letter the next week.

I would not expect many four year-olds to want to sit and listen to how to write a letter and then repeatedly practice in the same way. Likely, they would be bored or easily frustrated by this approach, and you are sure to lose them before you are half-way through the alphabet. This is the same with the rote use of flashcards or over-reliance on workbook pages.

Teaching numbers and early math concepts can be equally successful using the more playful approach. You can count fun things; then, write the number next to the fun things you just counted. You can introduce money and count change together. You can teach one to one correspondence through setting the table or matching pairs of socks. It is helpful to remember that math is far more than numbers at this young age. Preschool math concepts also include measuring time, space and weight, sorting, categorizing, grouping, seeing and creating patterns, recognizing shapes and matching.

And relax! Most children are more than ready for Kindergarten. Our public schools open their doors to children with a very wide range of life experience and academic learning. On the first day of school, there will be a few Kindergarteners who are just learning their letters and a few others who can already read independently, but most of the children will fall somewhere in between. Of course, the more ready they are the better, but keep it fun. The learning through play approach helps insure that children will be interested in the learning process far past their year in Kindergarten.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parneting Playgroups, Inc.

Forced Apologies

Dear Dr. Hackney,

When my child does something that upsets or hurts another child, I want him to apologize. He may apologize but often is resistant, and it ends up in a big argument between us. How can we instill a sense of empathy for others and encourage apologies?

Sincerely,
Anna, mother of two
Ages three and four years old

Dear Anna,

What you are describing is a forced apology. If you are a parent who suggests to your child that they apologize and then they do, that is not forced. Forced apologies happen in one of two ways. Either the child is angry and resists having to apologize or the child is embarrassed and hesitant to apologize. In both cases, the child’s own negative emotions often get in the way of developing a sense of empathy.

If your child is angry and not feeling sorry about what happened and you force the apology, the result is predictable. Your angry child likely will storm over to the other, bark “SORRY!” and leave abruptly. Rather than teaching your child to feel empathy, this situation seems to provoke feelings in the opposite direction. Your child may actually resent the other child more for his role in this interaction. Your child also learns that saying sorry, even if he doesn’t mean it, is enough to fix a wrongdoing.

If your child is embarrassed by the idea of having to apologize but is forced to do so, the result differs but is just as predictable. With a push, your child may slowly approach the other child and then quietly say “sorry,” while fighting back tears. Empathy requires the child to focus on the thoughts and feeling of another. When a child is embarrassed, he is thinking mostly of himself which inhibits the development of empathy.

Rather than force an apology from an angry or embarrassed child, you will have more success building a sense of empathy and teaching the language of sincere apologies through modeling. In the case of anger, take your child with you and say something like, “I am so sorry he did that. I would like to make it better.” Here, the parent is speaking for himself. The parent is sorry, the child is not.

In the case of embarrassment, take your child with you and say something like, “He is so sorry. He would like to make it better.” The child actually is sorry, just reluctant to address it. Your child will have the benefit of hearing a sincere apology and optimally will be able to focus on the feelings of the other child rather than his own.

On the opposite end of this continuum, some children readily apologize just to be finished with the conflict. I have heard my own seven year-old saying, “Sorry, sorry, please don’t tell mom, sorry!” while reaching to take a toy out of her sister’s hand. Here, a way to shape true apologies is to teach children to feel it, say it and fix it. This requires teaching children to focus on their feelings of remorse and recognizing when they should apologize. It often requires modeling the language of sincere apologies. This idea adds the idea of then teaching children to take some action or make some amends.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.

Grandparent in Hospital

Dear Dr. Hackney,

My four year old has a very close relationship with my parents. Recently, my mother has been hospitalized and has a poor prognosis. What do we tell our son about my mother’s situation and about my father being sad and preoccupied during our visits? Is it okay for him to visit grandma in the hospital?

Sincerely,
Hillary
Mother of one, age four years


Dear Hillary,

I am sorry to hear of your mother’s prognosis. The idea is to be as honest as you can with your son without overwhelming him. You might let him know that “Grandma is very sick. She is going into the hospital, and the doctors are trying to make her well.” You might follow this by giving him ample time to ask questions. Try to answer any questions he has without giving too much information. If you avoid answering questions, children often come up with their own answers which can be worse than the truth. If you give too much information, it can add to their worries.

If it is okay with your parents and the hospital, it is fine to take your son to visit. You would do well to fully explain beforehand what he can expect during the visit. Let him know about IVs and other machinery in grandma’s room. Let him know that the nurses check on grandma every once in a while and about the other adults if she shares a room.

It is also fine to let your son know that “Grandpa is sad a lot these days. He really misses grandma not being at home and wants her to get well.” It might be helpful for your child to be able to take some action to help others in this situation. You might ask him if he would like to draw pictures for grandma and grandpa or take flowers to the hospital.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.

Recognizes Letters

Dear Dr. Hackney,

My four year old son recognizes all of his upper and lower case letters. What is the next step?

Sincerely,
Karen
Mother of two, ages four and three years


Dear Karen,

That is great he recognizes his letters. The next step, if he is interested, is to pair the letter shapes with their sounds. This means when he finds an “A” you say, “Yes, that is an ‘A;’ the ‘A’ makes the ‘Aaaa’ sound like ‘aaaapple’ or the ‘Eeh’ sound like ‘aaaacorn’” Then, you might think of all the words you know that start like apple or acorn. Strive to make this learning fun. You might go for a letter hunt in the grocery store by finding all the things you can that start with the B sound, and then really stress the B sound when you say, “Yes that is a BUHnana.”

To reinforce the shapes and pairings, you might also play some upper and lower case matching games such as Memory or Go Fish with pairs.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.

Missing Preschool Days

Dear Dr. Hackney,

My four year old son, Nathan, is a very picky eater. I have read and tried all sorts of different tactics... unsuccessfully. I'm sure some (possibly much) is control related, but I'm not sure some of the issue isn't sensory.

I learned of a Picky Eater Group through a local private practice. They claim this class is geared exactly for kids like Nathan, and I'm ready to try anything. However, they have changed the times of the class, and it is now offered during Nathan's class time at preschool. He is in four half-days a week and would miss one day of school each week for the eight weeks that the class runs. I would like your opinion on whether you think I should enroll in the Picky Eater Group. Would that be too disruptive missing school? His eating issues have not impacted his health, and the pediatrician is convinced it is all a control thing. But it impacts my life greatly because he can't sit down to a regular meal. My goal is to get him eating the same food as the rest of the family. I hope to learn as much from the group as he does.

Sincerely,
Elaine
Mother of two, ages 1 and 4 years old

Dear Elaine,

Take the specialized class! It is preschool, and missing one day a week for eight weeks will be fine. The potential benefits far outweigh the extra day in preschool. I wouldn't try to make it back for that one hour a day - no need to wear everyone out for one hour, and he and you both may need time to relax following the group.

I also wouldn't make the fact that he is missing school for a day each week to do this a big deal with him. If the group isn't fun, then he has another point to his argument for not going - that he is missing preschool. Just put it on the calendar as the plan for the day rather than thinking there is a debate to be had over attendance.
Good Luck with this!

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.

starting school

Dear Dr. Hackney,

I need your help!!! My six year old daughter Amy is having some anxiety related to starting school soon. She has been having difficulty going to bed at night; this seems to be the only time it manifests itself. As soon as I move to leave the room, she starts fidgeting and says she needs to go to the bathroom. When we return to her room, she says she has to go again. Last night, we stopped the whole process and talked to her about what will happen the first day of school and also explained we are meeting her teacher next week. Is it too much to expect to have her get on the bus the first day? I worry that if she doesn't do it the first day I'm setting her up to depend on me everyday. She has a very good friend who will be riding the bus with her, but I'm not sure that will be enough to motivate her. We are thinking we may look into therapy to help her deal with anxieties.

Thanks, Samantha
Mother of two, ages 3 and 6 years


Dear Samantha,

I am sorry to hear this has been hard already. My older daughter had very similar nights (and mornings) when she was a bit younger. I'm going to write about the global things first, then more practical.

Between now and the time school starts, think lots of downtime and empathy. Downtime is unscheduled, low key playtime. It is fine to have friends over and to go out, but I wouldn't run everyone ragged in the last few days. When children are tired, their worries seem overwhelming. Downtime also lends itself to more open conversation. I would talk about school with her when she brings it up or when she seems particularly anxious – just like you did the other night - stopping everything and talking about her first day.

The empathy component is to remember that her worries are hers and they are real, and the reasoning, reassuring and logic do little to actually help. Empathy (labeling emotions, talking her through and suggesting ways to cope) allows her to own those feeling and validate them so you and she are on the same page. Empathy helps children to calm because they feel understood. So, first approach with empathy before the fix.

Prepare her as best you can, which you are already doing. Talk her through the daily schedule, and answer questions whenever needed. You might go play on the school playground or have playdates with other kids going to the same school. When you meet the teacher, you might ask if you can take a picture of her and the teacher together, and then get it printed that day, so she can have it to hold onto until school starts. You might also use the picture to make a craft project - a poster for her room or a card to give the teacher on the first day, etc. or do both with copies.

Before you meet the teacher next week, you might sit with Amy to find out if she has anything she wants the teacher to know or wants you to ask the teacher. If it were me, I'd tell her tomorrow to think about those things and then talk about it over the few days before meeting the teacher. This gives Amy a sense of control of the meeting. She has her questions answered.

Talk to her about the bus idea and how fun you remember the bus to be and games/songs you remember while riding with your friends. If another good friend rides the bus with her, maybe you all could meet 10 minutes before and board together. Maybe you could assure her that you will step on to be sure she sits with someone she knows. It is best if she can face it and get on the bus the first day but don't be defeated if not. It may be that she takes and few days to feel confident about school and then can better face the bus. If the bus doesn't happen the first day, I would plan a goal date that it will, such as the second day or Monday of the second week. Something realistic so it doesn't turn into a year. Getting on with a friend might be the thing - especially if you make a date out of it.

Remember too that your attitude goes a long way, and she is reading you more than you know. If you are apprehensive and worried, the morning won't go well; she gets that, at least to some extent. So, put on your brave face and smile through her upset. You want to send the message that the bus and school are safe and fun places, it is where she should be, and that you have no doubt she will enjoy herself and want to ride the bus everyday. If you can start to anticipate that it will all go WELL, it will go all the better.

You might check out Helping Your Anxious Child: A Step by Step Guide for Parents by Wignall, Spence, Cobham and Rapee.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.