Hello Dr. Hackney,
I have a 3 ½ year old and a 2 ½ year who share a room. We have a bedtime routine of bath time and reading two to three books. My husband and I then try to put our kids to bed by 8:15. The problem we are having is once we put our kids in their beds, they try to come up with every excuse not to go to sleep. They cry, they ask us for milk, they want to tell us something, and then they repeatedly get out of their beds for about an hour. My husband I try to be firm and put them back in bed. We also will try to comfort them when they are upset. Do you have any suggestions they could help with our getting them to go to bed?
Thanks for your help,
Tricia Eckert, mother of two
Hi Tricia,
Consistency may be the key. Right now, you “try” to put them back in bed, and other times, you comfort when they are upset. They are likely finding ways to either keep you in the room or at least keep your attention.
Proactively, you might lay some ground rules, such as they can have one cup of water by the bed but no getting up or having milk. You might also do a bed check by asking, “Before we tuck in for the night, is there anything else you need?”
If you decide to repeatedly put them back to bed, you must do this in a consistent and low-key way to curb behavior. Being a broken record in these moments requires you to develop a mantra and maintain your cool. The broken record repeats itself with no changes in delivery. This is seen as being one of the better ways to break your child’s habit of getting out of bed over and over again. When we switched my daughter Alicen from the crib to a toddler bed, she got out over forty times before she fell asleep the first night. Each time, I said in the same tone, “You must stay in bed,” and guided her back in the same way. The second night, in took about twenty times, and the third night, it then took eight, and it was over. Occasionally, that behavior came back, but with a consistent response, it never seemed out of hand again. Be warned, if you are going to lose your cool at time seventeen, don’t even start. What happens if you get to time seventeen and then yell at the child, take them roughly back to bed or stop to comfort them? You reinforce the behavior because they got your attention. Seventeen is the new goal if not longer because they found your breaking point.
You might also try to reinforce the behavior you are looking for. At the end of the bedtime routine, as you tuck them in bed and say, “If you are laying down and quiet, I will come in and pat your back.” Leave the room, but if they are laying down and quiet, go back in within a minute or two, and pat their back. Do this with little language, and stay less than 30 seconds, and then state, “If you are laying down and quiet, I’ll be back to pat again.” Each time, stay gone a bit longer. We did this years ago, and I still check on the girls every 15 minutes or so to pat. It doesn’t have to be patting, it can be to “sit with you, rub your back,” or whatever you think would work best.
Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Teach Sharing
Dear Dr. Hackney,
What are the best ways to foster sharing among toddlers? There is "taking turns" and there is taking the toy away if they can't share it, but I'm wondering if there are other techniques as well.
Thank you!
Blog Reader, February 2008
Dear Reader,
Under three years-old, your best bet is to focus on turn-taking. Sharing is an abstract thing. No one really has full ownership, and everyone might all touch at the same time. This can be hard for toddlers to manage. Turn-taking is much more concrete - I have it to myself for a while, then you have it to yourself. If I am patient, I can have another turn when you are done.
If your child is having difficulty with turn-taking, you might more actively practice. If he is playing at the train table when you come in the playroom, you could pick up an unused train and say out loud, “Wow! The green engine. I am going to take a turn with this train.” If he wants the green one immediately, you can say, “Oh, you would like a turn? I am taking a turn but will be done in just a minute, and you can have the next turn.” Role the train for just a bit longer, and then say, “I am done; you can have a turn now.” You might add, “When you are done, can I have another turn?” Then when he is done, if he remembers to give it back you, say, “You remembered I wanted a turn; that was thoughtful!” If he forgets, you say, “Oh, remember I want the next turn,” and prompt him to hand it to you. Again, this can take some time.
Whenever you find yourself sharing something with your child, describe to them what you are doing. “Look at mommy! I am sharing my yogurt with you. I was eating yogurt, and you want some, so I am sharing!”
Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.
What are the best ways to foster sharing among toddlers? There is "taking turns" and there is taking the toy away if they can't share it, but I'm wondering if there are other techniques as well.
Thank you!
Blog Reader, February 2008
Dear Reader,
Under three years-old, your best bet is to focus on turn-taking. Sharing is an abstract thing. No one really has full ownership, and everyone might all touch at the same time. This can be hard for toddlers to manage. Turn-taking is much more concrete - I have it to myself for a while, then you have it to yourself. If I am patient, I can have another turn when you are done.
If your child is having difficulty with turn-taking, you might more actively practice. If he is playing at the train table when you come in the playroom, you could pick up an unused train and say out loud, “Wow! The green engine. I am going to take a turn with this train.” If he wants the green one immediately, you can say, “Oh, you would like a turn? I am taking a turn but will be done in just a minute, and you can have the next turn.” Role the train for just a bit longer, and then say, “I am done; you can have a turn now.” You might add, “When you are done, can I have another turn?” Then when he is done, if he remembers to give it back you, say, “You remembered I wanted a turn; that was thoughtful!” If he forgets, you say, “Oh, remember I want the next turn,” and prompt him to hand it to you. Again, this can take some time.
Whenever you find yourself sharing something with your child, describe to them what you are doing. “Look at mommy! I am sharing my yogurt with you. I was eating yogurt, and you want some, so I am sharing!”
Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Bossy Children
Dear Dr. Hackney,
How does one curb in a child who always is trying to boss around other children and is telling them what to do, how to do it, when to do it and so on?
Thank You!
Blog Reader, February 2008
Dear Reader,
You might try to give her more productive ways to be a leader, such as putting her in charge of clean-up or letting her decide who sits where at the dinner table. Other times during the day, you can say, “Thank you, but this is not your job. Your job today was seat-assigner. You were really helpful at that.”
You also might try to implement Stanley Greenspan’s Floortime which is a specific type of parent-child play that is to be practiced 20 minutes per day. Floortime gives children a chance to be the leaders in play. When playing this game, it may give her leadership voice an outlet that you can live with better.
In other moments of bossiness, you might model the language you would prefer she use. This means if she tells another child, “Chrissy, you need to move over here and play with this doll!” You might say, “Well, let’s ask Chrissy. Chrissy, do you want to sit here and play with this doll?” Then turn to your child and suggest, “That would be a nice way to ask Chrissy.” As you are going to review this often over time, it is best to go at it in a light way not heavy, meaning this is not a time for consequences. If you intervene often when she is being bossy and redirect her to asking from telling, hopefully, she will pick up on the preferred approach.
You might also have a related discussion later in the day to reinforce the new language. As you tuck her in bed, you might say, “Today, when Chrissy was here to play, did you hear mommy ask her if she wanted to move and play with another doll? I think Chrissy likes being asked to move rather than being told to move. What do you think?”
Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.
How does one curb in a child who always is trying to boss around other children and is telling them what to do, how to do it, when to do it and so on?
Thank You!
Blog Reader, February 2008
Dear Reader,
You might try to give her more productive ways to be a leader, such as putting her in charge of clean-up or letting her decide who sits where at the dinner table. Other times during the day, you can say, “Thank you, but this is not your job. Your job today was seat-assigner. You were really helpful at that.”
You also might try to implement Stanley Greenspan’s Floortime which is a specific type of parent-child play that is to be practiced 20 minutes per day. Floortime gives children a chance to be the leaders in play. When playing this game, it may give her leadership voice an outlet that you can live with better.
In other moments of bossiness, you might model the language you would prefer she use. This means if she tells another child, “Chrissy, you need to move over here and play with this doll!” You might say, “Well, let’s ask Chrissy. Chrissy, do you want to sit here and play with this doll?” Then turn to your child and suggest, “That would be a nice way to ask Chrissy.” As you are going to review this often over time, it is best to go at it in a light way not heavy, meaning this is not a time for consequences. If you intervene often when she is being bossy and redirect her to asking from telling, hopefully, she will pick up on the preferred approach.
You might also have a related discussion later in the day to reinforce the new language. As you tuck her in bed, you might say, “Today, when Chrissy was here to play, did you hear mommy ask her if she wanted to move and play with another doll? I think Chrissy likes being asked to move rather than being told to move. What do you think?”
Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.
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