Dear Dr. Rene,
I have three sons: ages 7, 5 and 2 months. We hear a fair amount of whining from the 7-year-old. We respond the way you suggest ("I can't understand that voice. I'll be ready to hear your regular voice in a few minutes. Please wait.") The tricky part is that the 7-year-old will still whine to get what he wants from the 5-year-old and the 5-year-old usually gives in. How do we stop whining between siblings and peers?
Thanks,
Jodie
Mom of three
Dear Jodie,
Some of this is inevitable. Children bicker and whine and argue with their siblings out of range of you and there is little that can be done.
When you are present, you might take a more active role in coaching them to curb each other. This would mean stepping in and moderating the conversation, "Johnney, did you hear the way your brother asked? It would be nice for all our family members to hear things in a pleasant way." Then turn to whiner and say, "Johnney doesn't like being spoken to that way. Can you find a nicer way to say that?" If everytime you can intervene and have them fix their voice and practice the better way, the whining should lessen. You might remind them over breakfast that the goal for the day is pleasant voices for all. You might have a nickel jar and anyone who whines at any time has to add a nickel. You might make it a competition, when anyone whines challenge who can come up with the highest number of nice ways to ask and let them practice.
I hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
www.parentingplaygroups.com
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Scared at Bedtime
Dear Dr. Rene,
I have a 3 year old who recently started having bad dreams and would come into our room in the middle of the night. If I didn't fall asleep, I would put her back in her own room. Now she's afraid of her room saying there's ghoasts in their, is now afraid of the dark, and literally shakes and screams when I try to put her in her room. She has a nightlight and I've ghost proofed the room. I hate to leave her shaking and screaming, so of course back in our room she comes. We also have a new 6 month old.
Please Help,
Lori
Mother of two, ages 3 years and 6 months
Dear Lori,
The first thing I would do is have a gentle conversation about how her room is a safe place and it is where she should be sleeping. I would have this conversation in the afternoon, not right at bedtime when it is more likely to develop to a struggle. Then, several times in the next few days, I would talk about how safe her room is and how safe the house is. I would talk about how her room is just for her and your room is just for you to sleep in.
Rather than all the fuss and the back and forth, you might opt for the "gradual move out method." This is on the time-consumming end but gets kids to sleep on thier own with less crying and upset than the check-in methods. For gradual move-outs you first finish your bedtime routine and you stay, for a week, while she is falling asleep. You sit beside her with your hand on her back. The next week, you sit beside but keep your hand off her back. The next week you move to a chair next to the bed. The next week you move the chair 6 inches and so on until you are out of the room. With this method, if she wakes in the middle of the night you sit wherever you were at bedtime. By the time you have moved out of the room she has slowly gained confidence and is not needing you. The drawback, this takes some time!
There are other, smaller thangs you might do to help. Rather than you checking her room for ghosts (this sends the message there just might be some) do a room check together to "see there are just clothes in the closet and just toys in the box." The language says there are no ghosts and not even a possibility. For a sense of control, you might give her a flashlight that she is welcome to use if she is in bed. You might offer to check on her "more often" if she is laying down and quiet. You might spend more fun time playing and reading in her room during the day.
Whatever you do, if she wakes at night, return her to her room. It is less reinforcing if you fall asleep in her room than her in your room. Her getting to fall asleep with you in your room strongly reinforces trying again the next night.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/
blog@parentingplaygroups.com
I have a 3 year old who recently started having bad dreams and would come into our room in the middle of the night. If I didn't fall asleep, I would put her back in her own room. Now she's afraid of her room saying there's ghoasts in their, is now afraid of the dark, and literally shakes and screams when I try to put her in her room. She has a nightlight and I've ghost proofed the room. I hate to leave her shaking and screaming, so of course back in our room she comes. We also have a new 6 month old.
Please Help,
Lori
Mother of two, ages 3 years and 6 months
Dear Lori,
The first thing I would do is have a gentle conversation about how her room is a safe place and it is where she should be sleeping. I would have this conversation in the afternoon, not right at bedtime when it is more likely to develop to a struggle. Then, several times in the next few days, I would talk about how safe her room is and how safe the house is. I would talk about how her room is just for her and your room is just for you to sleep in.
Rather than all the fuss and the back and forth, you might opt for the "gradual move out method." This is on the time-consumming end but gets kids to sleep on thier own with less crying and upset than the check-in methods. For gradual move-outs you first finish your bedtime routine and you stay, for a week, while she is falling asleep. You sit beside her with your hand on her back. The next week, you sit beside but keep your hand off her back. The next week you move to a chair next to the bed. The next week you move the chair 6 inches and so on until you are out of the room. With this method, if she wakes in the middle of the night you sit wherever you were at bedtime. By the time you have moved out of the room she has slowly gained confidence and is not needing you. The drawback, this takes some time!
There are other, smaller thangs you might do to help. Rather than you checking her room for ghosts (this sends the message there just might be some) do a room check together to "see there are just clothes in the closet and just toys in the box." The language says there are no ghosts and not even a possibility. For a sense of control, you might give her a flashlight that she is welcome to use if she is in bed. You might offer to check on her "more often" if she is laying down and quiet. You might spend more fun time playing and reading in her room during the day.
Whatever you do, if she wakes at night, return her to her room. It is less reinforcing if you fall asleep in her room than her in your room. Her getting to fall asleep with you in your room strongly reinforces trying again the next night.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/
blog@parentingplaygroups.com
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Exhausted Starting Kindergarten
Dear Dr. Rene,
My daughter started Kindergarten last week and by Friday she was just exhausted. She is a good sleeper. What can we do?
Sincerely,
MaryAnne
mom of two, ages 5 and 2 1/2
Dear MaryAnne,
Kindergarten can be exhausting! For many children it is their first experience with being away from home regularly for the full day. Think about the effort here - they are meeting and remembering many new friends, getting comfortable with a new teacher, learning to follow rules and directions, being introduced to academics, having to eat on a new schedule, likely getting up earlier than they did in the summer and not really being able to rest when they are tired. My younger daughter Claire was wiped out by the start of Kindergarten. By Thursday every week she was dragging and by Friday she was weepy at pick-up. Fortunately, there are many things you can do to help in the process.
The first is to be sure your child is getting a good night's sleep. Through the elementary school years the goal is for children to have ten to twelve hours of sleep each night. If you are not there, you might think to move bedtime earlier 15 minutes each week. Transitioning this goes best if you move slow and systematically.
You might also lay low on participating in other activities, at least for the first several weeks. After school sports and music lessons are likely too much here. Once you are into the school year, go back and add one activity at a time.
Waiting to join other actitivies helps to ensure your child is getting enough dowtime. Downtime is relaxed time that they are in charge. It is unstructured playtime. It is recommended that children have an hour of downtime a day through ten years old.
If it's really bad (and ours was) you might try an early pick-up at least on Fridays.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/
blog@parentingplaygroups.com
My daughter started Kindergarten last week and by Friday she was just exhausted. She is a good sleeper. What can we do?
Sincerely,
MaryAnne
mom of two, ages 5 and 2 1/2
Dear MaryAnne,
Kindergarten can be exhausting! For many children it is their first experience with being away from home regularly for the full day. Think about the effort here - they are meeting and remembering many new friends, getting comfortable with a new teacher, learning to follow rules and directions, being introduced to academics, having to eat on a new schedule, likely getting up earlier than they did in the summer and not really being able to rest when they are tired. My younger daughter Claire was wiped out by the start of Kindergarten. By Thursday every week she was dragging and by Friday she was weepy at pick-up. Fortunately, there are many things you can do to help in the process.
The first is to be sure your child is getting a good night's sleep. Through the elementary school years the goal is for children to have ten to twelve hours of sleep each night. If you are not there, you might think to move bedtime earlier 15 minutes each week. Transitioning this goes best if you move slow and systematically.
You might also lay low on participating in other activities, at least for the first several weeks. After school sports and music lessons are likely too much here. Once you are into the school year, go back and add one activity at a time.
Waiting to join other actitivies helps to ensure your child is getting enough dowtime. Downtime is relaxed time that they are in charge. It is unstructured playtime. It is recommended that children have an hour of downtime a day through ten years old.
If it's really bad (and ours was) you might try an early pick-up at least on Fridays.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/
blog@parentingplaygroups.com
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