Thursday, December 10, 2009

Tips for Holiday Stress

With so many errands, activities and outings it is easy to become stressed during the Holidays. Unfortunately when we are stressed, our children likely feel it too. Here are a few tips to help families manage this time of year.
  • Start early and spread it out - Start your lists now if you haven't already. Space out your errands and responsibilities.
  • Help children plan their purchases or creations - Children may need guidance on gift selection. Brainstorm ideas with them, help them consider the person receiving the gift. If they are making gifts, build in and help them structure their time.
  • Focus on experience and time rather than spending and things - Plan to bake cookies together rather than buy them for class parties. Arrange outings and experiences together rather than buy presents.
  • Focus on your family's true meaning of the Holidays - Be it religion, faith, family or tradition, think about what is truly important to you about the Holidays and share this with your children. strive to keep the focus throughout this time.
  • Stick to routines as much as possible - Routines help most children to cope with stress. Strive to make meal times regular and bedtimes as normal as possible.
  • Include them in the Holiday planning - Give them what choices you can. This can be as small as picking which tights they wear with their holiday dress or as big as which party to attend first. Children given choices have a sense of control which can go a long way in managing stress.
  • Remember downtime - Children benefit from having unstructured downtime for play every day. This is especially true when life is busy and chaotic.
  • Remember fun - Build in time for sledding and hot cocoa after bath.
  • Discuss what makes us thankful, grateful and happy - Take time to reflect with your children. Discuss what is important to you and find out what is important to them.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Sibling Peace & Holidays

Tips for Managing Siblings, Cousins and Friends over the Holidays

If your house is anything like our house over the holidays there are children coming and going at all times and many may overstay their initial warm and friendly welcome. Children stuck in the house together who have been used to the elbow room of school and regular schedules can be a lot to handle on top of the rush of the holidays.


  • Plan for the downtime - A few years ago the was a huge snowstorm that kept the girls and I in the house for five straight snowdays. By the end of the first day I wised up. I made a list of every possible activity that was fun and available in our house. This included regular things like play with groovy girls but also much bigger things like make a pillow fort, take a bubble bath and bake cookies from scratch. It was a long list that we almost exhausted by the end of the week.

  • Make them busy - Contribution is a practice in positive discipline that follows the idea "children who are engaged with positive behaviors have little time for negative behaviors." This proactive technique is simple - make them busy. Children who are buttering rolls and drawing placemats aren't resisting the table and argueing about what's for dinner. Children who are picking towels, bath toys and testing the water temperature and level aren't running amok and avoiding the bath.

  • Pit them in cooperative efforts - All the better if the efforts are done together. See if they can both clean the playroom to beat the clock, challenge them to both set the table before the end of the next song on the radio.

  • Have a back-up plan or two - Set aside a few fun activities that will work well in a crunch. When kids start bickering and can't seem to get back in a friendly groove, be ready to pull out Hallabaloo, the cake decorating kit and a cupcake mix, play-doh with all the supplies, big coloring books with crayons for all, the bounce house or a good video that all might enjoy.

  • Divide and conquer - Two kids are more likely to get along easily than six. If you are overwhelmed by the numbers then divide them. Two or three kids in each area or at each activity is plenty.

  • Take a walk - When all else fails, bundle them up and take them out.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Bickering

There are several things to do to put an end to bickering.

The first answer is to ignore the bicker. If you can stay out of it, completely out of it, the bickering tends to end. Children find better ways to problem solve, they lose interest and move on. If you involve yourself, try to sort things out and take sides you reinforce the bicker. Getting involved adds fuel to the fire.

If you truely can't ignore the bicker, the second answer is to be the blanket, come down on both. You might say, "Wow, this is too loud. I need you both to quiet down," or "This is too much. Both of you find another place to play." Here you are ending the bicker but without getting involved.

In either case, start spending more time coaching the positive behaviors. Talk to your children about how to speak nicely and what they can say when they are mad. Role play how to manage when things aren't going well with their brother or sister. teach them how and when to ask for your help.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Social Competence

Social Competence is defined as the ability to achieve personal goals while maintaining positive relationships. For children all this jargon means is, can they play while keeping friends. If your child's play is often ending in upset, aggression or rejection, it is time to look at their social skills.

Two year olds should be able to work around each other physically, play without hurting each other and start to manage turn-taking. Three year olds should start to notice other's emotions, set common goals in play and realize personal space issues. Four year olds should be improving in social entry (getting into on-going play), able to handle sharing and have solid emotion language (at least able to accurately label emotions).

If your child is having significant difficulty with social skills, there are several good books such as Raising Your Child's Social IQ. In many areas, social skills groups are also available both privately (through psychologist, social work, speech/language or OT offices) and publicly through your guidance counselor at their school. Be proactive - Start teaching!

Friday, October 16, 2009

Preventing Tantrums

The best way to manage tantrums is to prevent them. Here are several tips to prevent the next meltdown.
  • Teach Emotion Language - The more emotion language children have, the less they need to tantrum. The idea is the language can replace to behaviors. If children are able to vent their emotions, they are less likely to boil over. Teach emotion language by labeling and discussing emotions as they happen (yours, theirs and others) and talk about emotions in children's story books.
  • Teach Ways to Calm - Think of teaching them to count or breath when they are angry. Teach them to take a few second before responding when they are angry (this takes a great deal of effort to teach).
  • Teach Ways to Express - Tantrums are emotions on overload. Teach them ways to express negative emotions such as stomping feet, blowing out hard, shaking hands, hugging themselves hard, running or raising voices. it's not that one way is better than another just really think about ways that you are okay with before you teach.
  • Look for Triggers - Triggers are what typically sets your child off. if you can figure the triggers you can fix or avoid them. You can teach your child how to best manage them. At the very least, you can see them coming.
  • Rest and Food - If their triggers are being tired or hungry, that is on you. Get them more rest, feed them more often.
  • Look for Cues - Cues are the signs your child is on the edge. My younger daughter always got fidgety before she threw herself on the floor in tantrum mode. That fidgetiness was my red flag to jump in with empathy, positive intent or choices.
  • Give Downtime, Avoid Overscheduling - With such busy schedules, this is a common cause for children to meltdown. If your child is tantrumming often, check how much is required of them throughout the day. Be sure they are having real downtime, playtime where nothing is organized or required.

Our next workshop on Managing Tantrums is happening Thursday October 22nd from 7:00-9:00pm at the Falls Church office. To register for this and other evening workshops visit http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?t=lkzpbadab.0.0.n89o4ybab.0&ts=S0421&p=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.parentingplaygroups.com%2Fparentworkshops.htm&id=preview

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Private Speech

So folks ask, what is private speech?

Private speech is the running commentary we have in our heads that helps to guide our behavior. When you are following a recipe, you may talk yourself through the steps. When a task is particularly challenging - the private speech may become public. We start to talk out loud to ourselves to support the action.

Children start to do this often around 3 years old. Think about your child working on a hard puzzle - do you hear him muttering to himself about the piece he is looking for or the plan to get started? This is his still public - private speech. As children grow the speech gradually moves into their brain (hopefully) rather than being said out loud.

Studies show private speech benefits future behaviors. Children who mutter their way through first grade math often benefit second grade math. The idea is the language is reinforcing the learning - they are talking their way back through.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Scaffolding - How We Approach Problem Solving

Scaffolding is how you approach problem solving with your child. Think about a four year old who is struggling with a new type of puzzle or a nine year old plodding through difficult math homework. Scaffolding is the language you use to help them through the problem solving process, it is your approach. Here, it becomes important to realize there are effective and ineffective ways to help children problem solve. Effective ways move the child toward independently problem solving. They encourage the child to work on and learn. Ineffective ways can bring the work to a screeching halt. Let's focus here on the effective ways.

Whether they are four and working on puzzles or nine and tackling math, the following ways tend to be helpful.

  • Give hints and suggestions rather than answers and directives. Even if you have the answers, let them grapple a bit. Yes, give them clues so they can keep going and hints so they can find the way but let them find as much as they can on their own.


  • Corrections shouldn't feel like corrections. Fine to ask them to reconsider, even okay to point out things to change but let them have the final say and put your correction in hearable language. Rather than, "No, that's the wrong piece." Try "Hmm, maybe that piece is long. What do you think?"


  • The problem solving process far outweighs the product. This is a hard one for the Type A parent but the product, the end result, what they turn in isn't as important as how they get there. Encourage them to take charge, let them make the decisions, help them to break down tasks to managable parts and learn to work from an outline, gradually learn the benefit of practice and study. Learning to problem solve in a broad way is so much more important than the outcome of one task.


  • It is their project not yours. Again, hard for the Type As out there. When a child turns in a project or finishes a task, for them to feel really proud of the outcome, they need ownership of the process. This means they weigh the options and make the decisions.


  • Expect it to be a warm and positive experience. If your children don't feel good about problem solving with you, the first place to check is your approach and language (not their attention span and motivation).


  • Be flexible in the amount of help you give. The rule is give more help as they struggle, less as they succeed. If the goal is independent problem solving you want to constatnly be moving in that direction.


  • Ask how they want to be helped. Be sure the way you are giving help, is the way they'd like it. When learning to read aloud, they may not want you giving every word they struggle on for more than 5 seconds. They may just want the beginning sound or they may want 10 second or they may not want your help at all. Check in with them and let them lead.


  • Remain available. Even if they are having success and don't want your help, stay available. Children who bump into real frustration, if not able to sort through may give up and be done all together. Stay available.

Building Vocabulary

Once they are talking, there are many ways to build a child's vocabulary.
  • Continue giving running commentary - Talk about all the things they are doing and seeing. Be sure to include functional definitions and a adjectives.
  • Continue echo expansion - When they say "More juice." Model back "You'd like more apple juice, please?" Keep their language intact and ad on. Model longer phrases and more descriptive language.
  • Plan-Do-Review - If you are going to the pumpkin patch this weekend, before you go get out the pictures from last year and discuss the details or check out a few books from the library about pumpkin patches. This is the "plan" part. While at the pumpkin patch give them running commentary about all that is happening. This is the "do" part. After, talk about what was their favorite thing to do or discuss the day when you get the pictures printed. This is the "review" part. Children are benefitting from having the language before, during and after.
  • Encourage emotion language - Label their and your emotions. Talk about the causes and consequences of emotions. Discuss how people calm and how people cope.
  • Play word games - For the beginner, this includes "I spy" and rhyming games. As they get older, this is 20 questions, telephone and Mystery Garden.
  • Practice following directions - By two years old we expect two-step directions, by three years old three-steps. A three-step directions is "Go to the kitchen, get your shoes and bring them to the front door." If you are unsure, play the Crazy Directions game. This is where you say things like "Find the cat, kiss his nose and jump up and down. Ready, go." This is more fun and serves the same purpose.
  • Give a vocabulary word a day - There are many websites and calendars to build vocabulry and the idea is to present and discuss a new word each day with you child. See how often you can each use it.
  • Continue to read aloud - Plan to do this long past the point they are reading to themselves. Yes, it is nice to give them time for that but plan to do both. Everyday have some time spent reading independently and some time spent reading aloud.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Encouraging Early Speech

There are many ways to encourage early speech. Here are a few ideas:

  • Pair Gestures with Your Words - Nod when you say "yes," wave when you say "hi."

  • More True Toys, Less Passive Toys - If there are speech concerns do away with all the electronic toys that do the talking and make the noises for your child. When a child plays with the Fisher-Price Farm, the child should be doing the "mooing" and "baaing" not the toys.

  • Echo Expansion - When the child says "Juice?" say "More juice?" If they say "More juice?" say "More juice please?" The idea is to give back their language intact and add to it. You are not requesting or requiring longer phrases, just modeling them.

  • Provide Running Commentary - Running commentary means you are talking about all that you are doing, seeing and feeling. In the grocey store I might say, "We need some apples. Mommy is going to put this red apple in the bag. Now we have two apples in the bag. I am putting the bag in the cart." Use labels often, rely on repitition, provide functional definitions. If the child points and says "bus" giving a definition would be "Yes, the school bus takes children to school."

  • Give Language to Their Pointing - When the child is excited and pointing but not able to come up with the word that is needed, many parents are quick to fill it in. Let's say the child sees a dog at the park and is pointing and saying "uh-uh-uh." It can be tempting to say "Thats' a dog." Rather pause and point and say "Look," or "What's that?" pause for a few seconds again before you say, "That's a dog." You are first giving language to their pointing and then giving them time to find the word themselves before you fill it in.

  • Don't Anticipate Needs - If all the child has to do is point toward the fridge to get a cup of milk, there is very little need for language. At least for a few seconds, not to the point of frustration, pretend to not know what they mean. Let them grapple a bit for the word.

  • Don't Repeat Mispronunciations - As cute as they are, if there are speech concerns don't repeat mispronunciations. now this shouldn't feel like a correction either. If the child says "ram-baid" when asking for a band-aid avoid saying "No honey, it is band-aid." This feels like a correction and now the child doesn't want to talk to you. Just respond inthe positive with what they meant and clearly anunciate. Say, "Yes, you need a BAND-AID."

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Early Speech Milestones

With so many patterns of normal speech and language development it can be difficult to sort out what is most important. There are a few basic milestones that if not met, signal flags in early language development.
  • First word - Most people say babies should have a first word by 1 year old. The range of normal for a first word is 10 to 16 months.
  • 50 words by 18 months, concern if less than 10 - Most babies have in the ballpark of 50 words by 18 months. There is concern if there are less than 10, particularly if those 10 are garbled or only used once or not really in context. I actually wouldn't be concerned if they only have 5 words but those words were clear, well used in context and consistent.
  • 2 words together by 24 months - Most babies are putting two words together by 24 months. Many of them are stringing 6 and 7 word sentences but the concern is single words only.
  • For articulation - Think that children should be 50% understood by strangers at 2 1/2 years old. This means half the time when your child speaks to the lady checking groceries, she understands him. By 3 years old this jumps to 75%, meaning more often than not she understands. It doesn't count to be understood by grandma or great babysitter, they hear his language often. This marker is for strangers.

I am a firm believer in the benefits of early intervention. If you feel or worry your child has a speech or language issue, there is no harm in having an evaluation. Children often enjoy the process and at best they reassure you and let you know to let go of the concern. At worst the child qualifies for what were needed services and you get started on a better long-term path. Somewhere in the middle, they may not qualify for services but you are given great guidance for working with your child to make improvements at home. Whatever the outcome, early intervention also provides a baseline. A professionals take of where your child is and how to move forward.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Using Developmental Checklists

We started our morning Play & Workshop program with a checklist of Language Development milestones by age so I'll give a few comments about using checklists (I'll post this list tomorrow if I can figure out how). For now I'll just mention - the best way to use checklists is to look for progress overtime. I hesitate to even give checklists because many parents immediately fall into one of two traps:
Trap One - Looking only for weaknesses
Many parents get bogged down by items their child is low on. Child may be high on 6 of 7 measures but the parent is narrowly looking at the seventh category.
Trap Two - Comparing to every other child in the room
Many parents fill out the checklist while glancing just as often at their neighbor's paper and can't help but ask, especially if they find an area that's low (see above).
The best way to use checklists is to fill it out, put it away for a few months, get it out again and fill it out like new. Then go back and check for progress. By all means if you see an area of weakness, you might make a plan of action on how to improve and then really look for progress based on your efforts. While I don't want you stuck in weaknesses, if you made efforts and still don't see progress it may warrant further investigation just don't get stuck. Worry doesn't tend to serve you well here.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Floortime

The topic in our morning Play & Workshop last week was Floortime. Moving forward I am going to post the highlights from each topic weekly. So here goes...

Floortime is an approach to play developed by Stanley Greenspan MD. If you haven't heard of him he is a child psychiatrist who is big in the field of parenting and specializes in social and emotional development issues. The Floortime training kit was published in 1990 and is still widely used.

Greenspan stresses the benefits of floortime to a child's vocabulary, interactive play, creative play and rates of aggression. The kit also discusses the importance of play from birth to 6 years old. It describes the impact of play on academic readiness, social and emotional exchange, language development and communication of ideas. It is important to know that play is bigger than play, when supported it is a strong foundation for academic and social success.

Parent Guidelines
  • Aim for 20 minutes a day per child. This is an uninterrupted 20 minutes that you are focused and following the play. Avoid checking on dinner and answering the phone.
  • During this time the child is the leader, you are the follower. You assist but never lead the play.
  • You move and play at their pace.
  • There is no discipline. There is no education. This really is play for the sake of play. The only rules are no hurting or breaking things and then, likely, you just end the floortime.
  • All of your comments and questions should be to focus and build on their current activity. Expand without changing directions. Take a real interest.
  • Enter in the least intrusive way possible.
  • The hardest part for most parents is slowing down.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Teaching Respect

In this day of award stealing moments and presidential bashing, I thought it is high time to blog about teaching children about respect. As much as we focus on teaching them manners, respect seems to be falling by the wayside. There is a wide range of ways to approach this topic with children. I am going to list and discuss a bit by category.
  • Define respect with your children. What does having respect mean? How does being respectful shape our relationships? Talk about this and honesty and other related traits often. Point out when people are being respectful or disrespectful out in the world. Talk about the social exchanges you witness.

  • Model Respect. Children are learning best by watching and listening. Consider how you speak about your neighbor and how you argue with your spouse. If you mis-step, stop and apologize or otherwise make amends. If they see the mis-step let them see the make-up.

  • First teach children about themselves. Children can not have respect for others until they have a sense of self and start to recognize differences. When a preschooler is making a noodle and yarn self-portrait they are thinking about their eye color and skin color and can start to recognize the similarities and differences in others. This can build to likes and dislikes and personality difference. Then children can consider culture and religion. The idea is for parents to speak openly and respectfully about others as they go.

  • Teach diversity. Recognize and appreciate differences in others.

  • Teach respect for life. This can come through pet care or caring for the environment.

  • Teach about the life cycle. It is helpful to discuss birth, aging and death. Children can learn respect for elders by better understanding this process.

  • Teach manners. Through 2 years old we model manners. Through 3 years old we expect manners. After 4 years old we enforce manners. This includes "pleases" and "thank yous" but it also includes speaking in a respectful tone and listening to others. These are things that should taught over the long haul.

  • Give opportunity for responsibility. This means children should have chores and responsibilities. I like chores for allowance but also feel children should have things they do just because they are part of the family. Helping should be a given.

  • Teach friendship and social skills. This is a wide category and includes the basics like listening to others, sharing and taking turns. But it also touches on a sense of empathy, recognizing others emotions and being able to appropriately respond.

  • Take care of their own belongings. This means children should clean and care for their rooms. They should be expected to keep track of belongings at school and responsible when things are lost. There should be a system for child repaying for any losses.
  • Sports and teamwork may be helpful. Children participating with others makes them responsible to others for performance and follow-through.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Going Poop a Little at a Time

Hi Dr. Rene,
My son is 3 years and 8 months old. He has been totally potty trained for pee for six months but refuses to poop on the potty. He was constipated but that resolved. He holds it in and poops a little at a time in his pull-ups. When he does, he immediately wants me to change him which ends up being five or six times a day. He has only gone poop in the potty three times. Each time, we had a parade in the living room to celebrate. I have tried just letting go, rewards, stickers and a coin jar. What else can I do?
Sincerely,
LeighAnne
Mother of two, ages 3 and 10 years old

Hi LeighAnne,
I would argue that you are still dealing with constipation or at least the withholding that can follow a bout of constipation. Children who have been constipated often hold their poop so they won't again have the pain they felt from pooping. Unfortunately this just starts a negative cycle. The more they hold, the worse it can hurt and so on. The general idea is that this needs to move at their pace and without pressure.

There are many things you can do. Let's start with the easy, general ones
  • Play the videos and read the books - There are so many good potty books and videos available. Mix them in with your other story or tv times.
  • When you do change him, let him watch you empty his poop into the potty. Help him make that connection "the potty is where poop belongs."
  • Change all diapers in or just outside the bathroom. Again sending the message about place and letting him know we have to stop and go to the potty each time.

Next let's address the ones related to the constipation

  • Increase fluids, particularly water.
  • Increase exercise, particularly walking.
  • Check his diet. Think fiber, fruits and vegetables. Make fruit smoothies and add in a few prunes. Add raisens to all snacks.
  • Avoid white bread, rice, bananas and too much milk.
  • Talk to the pediatrician but you might try an over-the-counter remedy such as mineral oil.

Now for the specifics

  • Let him know it's okay to poop in a pull-up but encourage him to at least stand in the bathroom while he does this.
  • Once he is comfortable, encourage him to sit for poop. This can be with his pull-up on sitting on the floor or on the closed lid of the potty.
  • Once he is comfortable, you could have him try on the open potty and then on the open potty with no pull-up.

All of your language and efforts should be encouraging him to take ownership. Out of the moment and maybe once a day say things like "You know you are the only one in the whole world who knows when you need to potty," or "You know that feeling in your tummy when you need to poop? I can't feel that, just you!" The idea here is to make it their job, to encourage ownership without pressure.

blog@parentingplaygroups.com

Monday, September 14, 2009

Nervous Habit

Dear Dr. Rene,

I have two boys. About a month after having a new baby and the start of a new preschool, my older son starting picking at his cuticles. He doesn't always do this but in moments when he is bored or his hands are free and he thinks no one is looking he will pick. he doesn't do this when his hands are busy with books or puzzles. he did not pick his nails much at all this summer but seems to have started again now that the school year is in.



At night we put lotion on so his hands aren't dry. If we see him picking, we'll wrap his finger in a band-aid. We have lost our patience with asking him to stop and are now at discipline which seems to make things worse. What should we do?
Sincerely,
Jen
Mom of two, ages 4 1/2 and 21 months

Dear Jen,
Habits like this are annoying and hard to break. If you attend too much you may reinforce through attention. Attend too little and the behavior runs amok. The first line of defense is to make his hands busy. This is giving him what's called an incompatible behavior. He isn't picking his nails while doing puzzles, squishing play-doh or coloring so keep those types of activities on hand. Whenever you see him pikcing give him something to do that keeps his hands busy. Think about making him the Official Thing Carrier.

Good to be proactive with the lotion. I also like the idea of putting a band-aid on the finger if he is picking and I would say something like, "We need to keep your fingers safe." If it become a more frequent habit, you might put band-aids on all for a while just to give everyone a break.

Be sure in your language that you avoid saying things like "Don't pick your nails," or "Stop picking." Rather focus your langauge on the thing you want him TO DO such as "Leave your fingers alone," or "put your hands down." This simple shift can have a big impact over time. you are reinforcing the thing to do and that should be the language in his head when he starts to pick and you are not around.
Good Luck!
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
blog@parentingplaygroups.com
www.parentingplaygroups.com

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Whining Between Siblings

Dear Dr. Rene,
I have three sons: ages 7, 5 and 2 months. We hear a fair amount of whining from the 7-year-old. We respond the way you suggest ("I can't understand that voice. I'll be ready to hear your regular voice in a few minutes. Please wait.") The tricky part is that the 7-year-old will still whine to get what he wants from the 5-year-old and the 5-year-old usually gives in. How do we stop whining between siblings and peers?
Thanks,
Jodie
Mom of three

Dear Jodie,
Some of this is inevitable. Children bicker and whine and argue with their siblings out of range of you and there is little that can be done.

When you are present, you might take a more active role in coaching them to curb each other. This would mean stepping in and moderating the conversation, "Johnney, did you hear the way your brother asked? It would be nice for all our family members to hear things in a pleasant way." Then turn to whiner and say, "Johnney doesn't like being spoken to that way. Can you find a nicer way to say that?" If everytime you can intervene and have them fix their voice and practice the better way, the whining should lessen. You might remind them over breakfast that the goal for the day is pleasant voices for all. You might have a nickel jar and anyone who whines at any time has to add a nickel. You might make it a competition, when anyone whines challenge who can come up with the highest number of nice ways to ask and let them practice.

I hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
www.parentingplaygroups.com

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Scared at Bedtime

Dear Dr. Rene,
I have a 3 year old who recently started having bad dreams and would come into our room in the middle of the night. If I didn't fall asleep, I would put her back in her own room. Now she's afraid of her room saying there's ghoasts in their, is now afraid of the dark, and literally shakes and screams when I try to put her in her room. She has a nightlight and I've ghost proofed the room. I hate to leave her shaking and screaming, so of course back in our room she comes. We also have a new 6 month old.
Please Help,
Lori
Mother of two, ages 3 years and 6 months

Dear Lori,
The first thing I would do is have a gentle conversation about how her room is a safe place and it is where she should be sleeping. I would have this conversation in the afternoon, not right at bedtime when it is more likely to develop to a struggle. Then, several times in the next few days, I would talk about how safe her room is and how safe the house is. I would talk about how her room is just for her and your room is just for you to sleep in.

Rather than all the fuss and the back and forth, you might opt for the "gradual move out method." This is on the time-consumming end but gets kids to sleep on thier own with less crying and upset than the check-in methods. For gradual move-outs you first finish your bedtime routine and you stay, for a week, while she is falling asleep. You sit beside her with your hand on her back. The next week, you sit beside but keep your hand off her back. The next week you move to a chair next to the bed. The next week you move the chair 6 inches and so on until you are out of the room. With this method, if she wakes in the middle of the night you sit wherever you were at bedtime. By the time you have moved out of the room she has slowly gained confidence and is not needing you. The drawback, this takes some time!

There are other, smaller thangs you might do to help. Rather than you checking her room for ghosts (this sends the message there just might be some) do a room check together to "see there are just clothes in the closet and just toys in the box." The language says there are no ghosts and not even a possibility. For a sense of control, you might give her a flashlight that she is welcome to use if she is in bed. You might offer to check on her "more often" if she is laying down and quiet. You might spend more fun time playing and reading in her room during the day.

Whatever you do, if she wakes at night, return her to her room. It is less reinforcing if you fall asleep in her room than her in your room. Her getting to fall asleep with you in your room strongly reinforces trying again the next night.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/
blog@parentingplaygroups.com

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Exhausted Starting Kindergarten

Dear Dr. Rene,
My daughter started Kindergarten last week and by Friday she was just exhausted. She is a good sleeper. What can we do?
Sincerely,
MaryAnne
mom of two, ages 5 and 2 1/2

Dear MaryAnne,
Kindergarten can be exhausting! For many children it is their first experience with being away from home regularly for the full day. Think about the effort here - they are meeting and remembering many new friends, getting comfortable with a new teacher, learning to follow rules and directions, being introduced to academics, having to eat on a new schedule, likely getting up earlier than they did in the summer and not really being able to rest when they are tired. My younger daughter Claire was wiped out by the start of Kindergarten. By Thursday every week she was dragging and by Friday she was weepy at pick-up. Fortunately, there are many things you can do to help in the process.

The first is to be sure your child is getting a good night's sleep. Through the elementary school years the goal is for children to have ten to twelve hours of sleep each night. If you are not there, you might think to move bedtime earlier 15 minutes each week. Transitioning this goes best if you move slow and systematically.

You might also lay low on participating in other activities, at least for the first several weeks. After school sports and music lessons are likely too much here. Once you are into the school year, go back and add one activity at a time.

Waiting to join other actitivies helps to ensure your child is getting enough dowtime. Downtime is relaxed time that they are in charge. It is unstructured playtime. It is recommended that children have an hour of downtime a day through ten years old.

If it's really bad (and ours was) you might try an early pick-up at least on Fridays.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/
blog@parentingplaygroups.com

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Calling People Names

Dear Dr. Rene,
My 4 year old son has recently started calling other people "bad". Without any noticable provocation, he'll emphatically say his 1.5 year old brother is bad. Or he'll say "Mommy, you're bad!" I find this to be upsetting, but I try not to overreact. I can't seem to come up with a constructive response. Do you have any insight into what the positive intent might be behind these kind of statements? Any suggestions on how to respond?
Sincerely,
Kristine
Mom of two, ages 1 and 4

Dear Kristine,
Name calling and teasing is common in the preschool years. Often children are trying to play or get the other's attention. In this case, he seems to be testing the power of his words and looking for a reaction.

The first thing I would do is talk to him about how you don't like to be called "bad" or how his brother feels sad to be talked to that way. At calm times I would talk about how much people like to be called nice things and how important it is to speak in nice ways. You might, as a small response when he calls people "bad" have him find something nice to say about that person or think of a way to help them feel better. This would be a plenty big reaction.

If he seems frustrated or angry when he says this I would start coaching him on other words to use when he is upset. Better for him to say "I'm mad!" than to name call.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene

Friday, September 4, 2009

Slow to Warm Up 2 Year old

My 2 1/2 year old son is quite shy - when I have another child over or we go to their house, it takes him about 2 hours to warm up enough to play with that child, even if we have had playdates with that child several times in the past - of course, after 2 hours, it is then time for us to go home! I am not shy myself, so I don't know how to deal with this - I don't push him, but I wish I could help him be more comfortable.
Any suggestions?
Megan
mother of one, age 2 1/2

Dear Megan,
Repeated playdates with the same children are a good place to start. I might have repeated play with the same child several days in a row and at the same house. If the parents can manage you might also, and I don't suggest this often, stretch the playdates to three hours. If your child is warming up at the 2 hour mark, you want him to have some success. Now, this plan requires you have a good friend with a child who is willing to participate in this process. You might also take a few pictures of them when your child is warmed up and playing and then show and talk about that fun time often with your child. It is reminding him of the fun that was had.

You might also plan more playdates at places that he particularly enjoys. If he really like a particular playground plan some of your outings there. Children may be able to bond over the shared activities.

Also, realize he is only 2 1/2 years old. Many twos are still in parallel play where they play more beside someone than with them. This is more the case for boys as well. So the interactive play may still just be developing. Give it some time and continue with the play opportunities.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
blog@parentingplaygroups.com
http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/

Thursday, September 3, 2009

End Homework Battles

There are two homework battles you should end before they start. The two issues families struggle over most often are time and place.

To settle the time for homework, sit down with your child and a calendar. Write in when all after school activities are taking place. Consider how long homework should take each night. Put a good amount of time on the calendar each night for at least several weeks and then stick to this schedule as best as you can. Keep notes as you go about what works and what doesn't. After the first several weeks check the calendar again and make a plan moving forward. The idea here is to end the daily debates about when to get started on homework.

Another guideline related to time with homework is how long to spend each night. The best answer is to set the length of homework at the longer end of what it typically takes your child to complete. For the first two weeks record how long homework takes. If it varies from 25 to 35 minutes, plan for 35 minutes every night moving forward. On nights when assigned homework only takes 20 minutes use the other 15 for reading or another school related activity. If they get to go play as soon as they finish each night many will learn to rush through. Keeping it the same amount of time each night encourages them to slow down.

To settle the place for homework, sit down with your child and discuss the options. Think about a quiet, well lit place with a good table top for writing. This may be a counter in the kitchen or their bedroom desk. Once the place is decided stock it with all the supplies they may need. This includes pens, pencils, a highlighter, paper, notebooks, scissors, a ruler and a calendar. Again, this ends the daily debates.

Good Luck!
Dr. Rene

Interest in Reading?

Dear Dr. Rene,
My second grader is a pretty good reader. She is making progress in her reading group at school but still doesn't love books the way I loved books when I was little. I was always buried in books and had a great love of reading. Is there something more I should be doing? Might this love still develop?
Sincerely, Laura
Mom of two, ages 7 and 4

Hi Laura,
It is great she is making progress in her reading group and hopefully she is on the path to be a book worm.

The first thing to know is she is still learning to read. At second grade they are still teaching phonics and patterns and rules of reading. It may be that she is still so focused on the details and the effort of reading that she isn't yet at a point to relax and just enjoy the story. Many children fall into loving the stories when reading to themselves a few years later.

There are several things you can do in the meantime. The first is read aloud to your children EVERYDAY. Read aloud for the love of reading, discuss the stories you read over dinner, read long and often. Read a wide variety, things they choose and things you choose. The goal is 20 minutes a day and this isn't time to be quizzing comprehension or testing phonics, just build a love of reading and story. NEA points to reading aloud as the best way to build successful readers.

Read aloud long past the point you thought you would. Children read to aloud through High School do better on verbal SATs than read to aloud through middle school and through middle school better than through grade school. Now, I know, to many parents the idea of reading aloud through High School sounds awkward but it won't be if you just never give it up. And be creative, if they are readers take turns by page or pick characters for each person to read about.

Also, make books available. Think books on every level of the house and some stashed in the car. Let kids stay up a little late if they are reading. Take them to browse the bookstore and the library often. Join a children's book club. Make family projects or plan family outings based on the things they read. If you read Blueberries for Sal, make blueberry muffins. Make it fun! The love of reading should follow.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
blog@parentingplaygroups.com

Monday, August 31, 2009

Back to School Tips

  • With all of us getting in the "back to school" mode, here are six of our top tips for making a smooth and heathy transition into the school year routine.
  • Encourage a good night's sleep. Preschool through elementary age children are encouraged to get 10 to 12 hours of sleep overnight. Consistent bedtimes and routines can go a long way here.
  • Build some extra time in the morning schedule. Children benefit from a smooth, low-stress morning - don't we all! It can be helpful to build an extra 15 minutes into the morning so they have time to relax and play or look at books before heading out. This also give a bit of room if there is an upset.
  • Mom was right - a balanced breakfast is key to a good start. Without a good breakfast, your child can begin feeling run down by mid morning. So a good breakfast, especially if they've been a snacker over the summer months is an important start to the day.
  • Don't overschedule extra-curricular activities. If this is your child's transition year from preschool to full-day Kindergarten, it is recommended that you hold off on participating in after school activities until you know the impact of the longer day. Think of waiting to schedule late day activities for a month or two.
  • For grade schoolers, plan NOW for homework time. There are two issues to solve here to end the battles before they start:
    The Time - Plan a calendar, decide when homework will be done each day and for how long at a minimum. Stick to it.
    The Place - Think good lighting, access to supplies, comfortable seating and quiet.
  • Give them some time to chill out. As busy as the school year gets, plan for an hour of downtime everyday at any age. Downtime is unstructured playtime when the child is in charge and directs activity.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Good Children's Books By Topic

New Baby
Hello Baby by Rockwell
Before You Were Born by Davis & Cornell
Julius baby of the World by Henkes

Siblings
Big Sister, Little Sister by Zolotow & Alexander
Shelia Rae the Brave by Henkes

Competition
The Mightiest by Kasza
Timothy Goes to School by Wells

Potty Training
Time to Pee by Willems
Once Upon a Potty by Frankel
Where's the Poop by Markes & Hartung
A Potty For Me by Katz
The Potty Book by Capucilli & Stott
Everyone Poops by Gomi & Stincheson

Emotions
Today I Feel Silly by Curtis
When Sophie Gets Angry, Really Really Angry by Bang
Baby Faces (board book)
Wemberly Worried by Henkes
The Way I Feel by Cain
Feelings by Aliki
How Are You Peeling by Freymann & Elffers
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Viorst & Cruz

Moving
Boomer's Big Day by McGeorge & Whyte
The Berenstain Bear's Moving Day
Big Ernie's New Home by Martin & Martin
We're Moving by Maisner & Stephenson

Death
Whisper in the Woods by Wirth & Banfill
I'll Always Love You by Wilhelm
I Miss You: A First Look at Death by Thomas & Harker
Help Me Say Goodbye (activity book) by Silverman
Sad Isn't Bad (on grief) by Mundy & Alley
Tear Soup (on grief) by Schwiebert & Deklyen

Separation Anxiety
The Kissing Hand by Penn
I Don't Want to Go to School by Pande & Voerg

Starting School
DW's Guide to Preschool by Brown
What to Expect at Preschool by Murkoff & Rader
100 Days by Wells
Tales From Hilltop School by Wells

Recommended Reading List

Discipline
Positive Discipline by Nelsen
Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Bailey
How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk by Faber & MazlishThe Discipline Book by Sear & Sears
Unconditional Parenting by Kohn
No More Meltdowns (on tantrums) by Baker
And Of Course - Eight Weeks to Positive Discipline by Hackney

Self-Esteem
Your Child's Self-Esteem (love this) by Briggs
The Optomistic Child by Seligman
Positive Pushing by Taylor

Gender Issues
Why Gender Matters (way interesting) by Sax
Raising Cain (boys) by Kindlon & Thompson
Reviving Ophelia (pre-adolescent girls) by Pipher & Ross
Queen Bees and Wanna Bees (pre-adolscent girls) by Wiseman

Siblings
Siblings Without Rivalry (fabulous, for everyone with more than one child) by Faber & Mazlish

Emotional Development
First Feelings by Greenspan
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by Gottman, Declaire & Goleman
Emotional Development in Young Children (research heavy) by Denham
The Development of Emotional Competence (research heavy) by Saarni

Potty Training
The Everything Potty Training Book (like because a wide range approach) by Sonna

Social Development
Raise Your Child's Social IQ (local author) by Cohen
The Friendship Factor (research heavy) by Rubin

Education Issues
A Mind at a Time by Levine
You Are Your Child's First Teacher by Dancy & Baldwin

Development
Touchpoints Birth to 3 OR 3 to 6 by Brazelton
The Preschool Years by Galinsky & David
Your One Year Old (series through Six) by Ames
The Children's Hospital Guide to Your Child's Health and Development

Sleep (and these are all over the place)
Sleeping Through the Night by Mindell
The No Cry Sleep Solution by Pantley
Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems by Ferber
Good Night, Sleep Tight by West & Kenen
Heathy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Weissbluth

Mealtimes
How to Get Your Kids to Eat But Not Too Much by Satter
OR Child of Mine by Satter
Dr. Paula's Good Nutrition Guide by Elbrit

TV
Into the Minds of Babes (on screentime - local author) by Guernsey

Others
The Hurried Child by Elkind
Last Child in the Woods by Louv
The New Peoplemaking by Satir
The Over-Scheduled Child by Rosenfeld & Wise
The Trouble with Perfect by Guthrie & Matthews
The Out-Of-Sync Child (on sensory issues) by Kranowitz
The Power of Parent-Child Play by Sargent
Too Much of a Good Thing (on overindulgence) by Kindlon