Saturday, May 22, 2010

Sibling Concerns

Dear Dr. Rene,
My family has a history of siblings not getting along. I was never close to my sister growing up. My mom and dad are practically estranged frmot heir siblings. My sons are only 4 years and 14 months old. Is there anything I can do now and in the next few years to maximize the odds they will become life long friends?
Thank you,
Hope, Mother of Two



Dear Hope,
First thing to do is be sure you've let go of the expectation that the boys won't be friends. Expect they will enjoy each other and find ways to build a positive relationship over time. Our expectations may help to shape the outcome.

That said, avoid putting pressure on the specific relationship. There is an idea that insisting on good feeling between children leads to bad. If you find yourself saying, "You will love your brother. He is supposed to be your best friend in life!" it is likely bottling negative emotions which may pile up and work against the relationship. It is a better practice to allow for and recognize the negative emotions. When children feel heard they can let go of the fight and hopefully move forward.

Ideally you are giving opportunity and encouragement for togetherness without pressure. Think of ways they can be together like sharing a room or work together like cooking without forcing the issue. There is more detail about these suggestions and many others in Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish. This is a fantastic parenting book and would be a good next step.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
blog@parentingplaygroups.com

Mealtime Struggles

Dear Dr. Rene,
Our three and half year old daughter has started to struggle over mealtimes. She is becoming extremely picky. She will not try new foods and refuses to eat dinner with us at the table.
What next?
Sincerely,
Ginny, Mother of One



Dear Ginny,
Struggles over food are another matter all together. The folks who write about food intake say it shouldn't overlap with discipline so all the ideas about appraoching power struggles with choices and consequences don't apply. The good thing is the experts tend to agree on a few guidelines to address pickiness.

The overarching guideline is parents are in charge of what is offered, children are in charge of what and how much of that they eat. This means you provide a healthy wide range of choices at regular times and let them decide what and how much to eat once they've sat down to eat. Following these guidelines they don't have to try new foods. It is simply your job to provide a wide range of healthy choices. Keep foods in rotation. Even if they don't like broccoli and claim they won't ever eat it, if it is out of rotation it is not available to try. There is a great deal more detail about these and other guidelines in How to Get Your Kids to Eat But Not Too Much by Satter.

Not sitting at the table to eat is along the lines of behavior rather than food intake so fair game in the realm of discipline to curb behaviors. This might be contribution such as having her make place cards and choose where everyone sits. This might be choices of where to sit or consequences of having to sit in the booster seat or eat when others are done.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
blog@parentingplaygroups.com

Struggles with Three Year Old

Dear Dr. Rene,
Our three and a half year old daughter is very strong willed - a trait I share - which leads to a variety of difficulties. We are having particular issues over clothing and bathtime. She wants the same outfit everyday, refuses to take baths. I have tried offering choices and compromises but every option is met with a complete meltdown. We are at a loss about what to do as she is otherwise a sweet little girl.
Thank you,
Ginny, Mother of One



Dear Ginny,
These are common stages for show-downs with young children. Getting dressed in the morning, getting ready for bath or bed are often cited by parents as tough times of the day. Thankfully, there are several techniques to approach and help soften the struggle.



On the rare day that getting dressed or getting in the bath goes smoothly, gush a little. Notice her good behaviors, describe back to her what she did. Be sure this is behavior specific, somthing like "Wow, you got dressed all by yourself. That was helpful."



Setting clear boundaries means letting them know up front your expectation and ways to be successful before the behavior happens again. If these are daily battles, there is no reason to wait for it to blow up. Be proactive, get in front of the behaviors. Talk her through before she starts to get dressed tomorrow.



If that doesn't work and you find yourself in a stuggle it is good to think choices and contribution. Direct choices about where to get dressed or which piece of clothing to start with can be helpful. Contribution is giving her job through the struggle. This would be making her the sweater selecter for the family or the sock matcher. Best to be a job related to the task.



If all that fails, you might fall back on consequences. Consequences are best if they match your child's behavior. This means keeping the behavior in mind while developing your response. Matching in content is the hardest but in this case might be her having to get dressed alone or you picking the outfit.



There is a good book titled Kids, Parents and Power Struggles that breaks down the dynamics and walks through these steps in a more detailed way. Hang in there, strong willed may be a trait that serves her well in the long run.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
blog@parentingplaygroups.com

3 Year Old Saying No to Everything

Dear Dr. Rene,
Help! My three year old daughter is saying "no" to everything. It has gotten to the point that when I say "time to get dressed," she replies, "no, not time to get dressed!" She takes whatever I've said and negates it. This is exhausting me.
Sincerely, Jill
Mother of two, ages 3 years and 10 months

Dear Jill,
I know this is a struggle but it is likely coming from a good place. Two and three year olds often go through a phase of saying "no" all day long and wanting the opposite of whatever a parent suggests. This is part of developing a sense of self. They are learning an assertive voice, how to state opinions and their impact on those around them.

That said, there is clearly a need to address this. there are several small things that may be helpful. A little validation can go a long way. This would mean saying, "I know you don't want to get dressed right now," or "I know you are very busy playing, it is hard to stop to get dressed." This gives the child a cushion, a little understanding. You are recognizing her point of view and may lessen the push to argue.

You might offer choices, "Hey, do you want to get dressed on the bed or the floor?" "Do you want to put on your shirt or your skirt first?" Choices allow the child some power, they are more flexible and open. They are also underrated, especially with the under six crowd.

Distraction and humor can also be life savers here. If you can make light, everyone may be better able to move on.

I hope this helps.
Sincerely, Dr. Rene

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Competitive Sports?

Dear Dr. Rene,
What are your thoughts on organized sports starting for kids as early as 4 years old? My kids seem to enjoy it most of the time but have a hard time with the competition and have difficulty understanding the rules. Am I setting them up for failure starting too early?
From Confused!
Mother of two, ages 4 and 6 years old

Dear Confused,
General consensus is organized sports and classes should be about exposure and learning the rules of the game for children under 6 years old. It is about learning how to catch and throw a ball, the language of the sport and being on a team. It seems best to wait and start keeping score as children are a bit older and able to manage it.

Many children under 6 years old struggle with competition and should be introduced to this gradually. Think about introducing the concept of copetition thru small games like tic-tac-toe, hullabaloo or rock-paper-scissors. These games take just a few seconds to win or lose. Work your way up to longer board games and organized sports. The whole time you are playing games talk about what it means to be a good winner or good loser. Suggest and model things people can say to others when they win or lose. Practice being a good sport.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene