Sibling Discipline

During our workshops on Siblings, we often get questions about discipline. During out workshops on Discipline, we often get questions about siblings. If you have more than one child, you know, these topics often overlap. I am going to provide answers here to some of those FAQs.

• Praise Individually - When you praise a child be sure that you are speaking to them directly, not trying to impact their sibling's behavior. This means you don't say, "Johnney, you cleaned your room! It always looks so nice in your room." and then glare at his sister hoping she will hear and clean her's. When you give a child praise, your intent should be clean. You should be praising for something you noticed NOT to impact their siblings.
• Discipline Individually - I know this is sometimes unavoidable but as a parent avoid it when you can. This means if just Johnney is misbehaving at the playground try to find consequences other than having to leave the playground which would negatively impact his well behaved siblings.
• Avoid Asking "Who had it first?" and "Who started it?" - You are likely going to get two very different versions of the same story and it often leaves you in just as unsure a place as you were before. You may also end up erring on the side of the one with the better verbal skills or louder crying. Worse yet, you may be encouraging them to lie. The answer is to instead, state what you know, "I see you are struggling and both want that doll," then move forward together.
• Fair is Not Equal, Fair is Everyone Has Their Needs Met - This is a hard one to realize as so many parents strive to treat their children equally. Your children, however, are likely quite different from each other. They may be different ages and sexes. They may have strikingly different personalities. All of this means their needs are different. Let's say you are the parent of an impulsive seven year old boy and a reserved three and a half year old girl. Let's say on different days they each squabble over a toy and hit a playmate. Everyone having their needs met means it is okay that your discipline response is not the same even though their behavior was.

Help Between Siblings

Help Between Siblings

It is fine to ask for and expect help between siblings. What you want to avoid is one child feeling like the other is their job, their responsibility. There are subtle shifts in language and positive discipline techniques that can be helpful in walking this fine line.

• Give Choices - So their sibling doesn't feel like a chore, offer children choices about how they would like to help, what they would like to do. If you need help getting bath ready ask if they would like to get the towels or start the water.
• Talk About Caregiving in Both Directions - Rather than saying "You are the big brother. It is your job to keep him safe." Say "We are a family. In a family we will all work to keep each other safe."
• Give Descriptive Praise When They are Helpful - When the hold a siblings hand crossing the parking lot say "Wow, look at you holding your brother's hand. You are helping to keep each other safe!" When they help pick other's pajamas say, "You got his pajamas ready. That helps everyone getting ready for bed!"
• Avoid Competition, Encourage Cooperation - Instead of having them race to beat each other getting dressed, challenge them to work together to beat the clock.