Difficult Transitions

Dear Dr. Hackney,

I have two 18-month-old boys and want to know a good way to transition them from one task to another, especially when they don't want to end the initial task. For example, when they have to leave a fun activity to go home, I find that at this age, giving a five minute warning doesn't seem to work since they don't grasp time. My goal is to minimize tantrums and blow-ups.

Thanks,
Annie
Mother of two 18-month-old boys

Dear Annie,

There are lots of ways to calm transitions. While you are right, they don’t grasp time, giving a five minute warning can be helpful. If when you say “five minutes” you actually mean five minutes and stick to it, they will learn what this means, and it becomes helpful long before they can tell time. If when you say “five minutes” you sometimes mean five minutes and sometimes mean twenty minutes, the warning is meaningless.

As long as you are consistent, you can use a song to let them know it is time to go. We had a family at our office that sang the Jeopardy jiggle with their two-year-old when it was about time to leave. They would hold a hand and rock a bit while they sang, and by the end of the tune, they would be waving good-bye. Their child was always tickled by the song.

You might also create a “goodbye ritual” such as whenever it is time to leave, we will high-five those we are leaving behind. This means you have to find someone to high-five which may be awkward among strangers, but it gives the boys something to actively do when it is time to leave.

You might have luck giving them responsibilities as you go. Asking one to be the bag carrier or the door holder gets them proactively involved in the moment. This idea of contribution helps to bypass power struggles.

When it is possible, you might allow them to take something with them as they leave. This might be easiest when you are leaving your own house and transitioning out. If they were busy with building blocks, taking one along for the ride might make parting easier.

Empathy might be helpful in these moments. Saying, “Wow, you are frustrated. You don’t want to leave,” may help to calm the brewing tantrum. When we validate emotions children tend to calm.

You might also give them choices about how to leave. Once it is time, you might say, “Do you want to hop or stomp to the car?” or “Do you want to hold my hand or my pocket while we go?” Choices give children an out and avoid the need for discipline.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/

5 Year Old Control Issue

Dear Dr. Hackney,

My daughter is five-years-old and on the stubborn side. Her room is very tiny, and she needs more play space, particularly for a dollhouse Santa brought. I told her my plans: Container Store designed an Elfa closet with play space and shelves on the bottom half, leaving the top half for clothes. We bought it.

I would like to take off the closet doors and hang some Pottery Barn flowing curtains that can be hooked back for play time as the sliding doors block a lot of access. She already has had yelling fits whenever I it is brought up. She does not want the doors off or it changed at all. I tried to include her in the purchasing of items. If I do it when she is not home, she might tear down the curtains and dump all the doll baskets out. What kind of control issue is this? Should she be able to decide about "her" room? If she were older, I would think so, but at five? We talked about things she gets choice over, and things she doesn't. What is this all about? And, what should I try?

Thanks,
Lori
Mother of two, ages five- and eight-years-old


Dear Lori,

I know it seems like a small deal to switch doors for curtains, and from your mom perspective, it would only be beneficial. Clearly, from your daughter’s perspective, this is wrong on both counts.

There are several rather predictable stages in a move towards independence. Around two- or three-years-old, many children go through a stage of wanting to do everything for themselves. Around five or six, they want more say over their schedule, their routines, and the structure of their day. At nine or ten, there is a push for physical independence. They don’t want to sit at your feet during their sibling’s soccer game; they want to sit away and with their friends. Around twelve or thirteen, there is a push for increased privacy. They need things you don’t know fully about. That push at five or six may very much be what this is about. It is a time to let them pick their clothes and decorate their room. It is a time to provide them more choice about their activities and the order of their days.

With that said, you may still have some luck by giving her choices about the curtains. Take her to a fabric store, encourage her to browse, and once she finds a few things she likes, suggest that she might want to pick one of those to be her cabinet curtains. Then, let her pick the material. You might end up with bright purple and fuzzy rather than flowing and yellow, but the access would be gained.

I would not simply make the changes when she is not home. She would likely have bad feelings about that cabinet for some time to come.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/