Thursday, April 21, 2011

Calm Tips

There are two main ideas for how to manage tantrums once they start. Both ideas start with, "Stay calm yourself." I know, this can take a whole lot of self-control. It can be difficult to stay calm when your child is losing it. Part of it is recognizing that losing it yourself likely just adds fuel to the fire, takes the tantrum up a notch. The other part is realizing what your child needs most in these moments is someone who is calm, who is safe to connect to, who is modeling calm emotions especially when all else feels out of control.

There are so many ways to stay calm. Of course, not every way works for every parent, so I am including calm tips in our emails often this year. Here are a few more ideas that may be helpful in tantrums as well as other times you need to stay calm.


  • Learn about child development. It can be calming to know that saying 'no' all day long and doing the opposite of what is requested are common two year old behaviors. It can be calming to know that five and six year olds are often driven by a sense of fairness and hearing "That's not fair!" is par for the course. There are a few good series on development including Touchpoint: Birth to Three and Three to Six by Brazelton and Your One Year Old thru Your Nine Year Old by Ames.

  • Shift your thinking to view the benefits of the negative behaviors. Every time your child is aggressive, think of it as an opportunity to teach them better ways to express anger and how to use their words. When your child has a tantrum, think of it as a chance for them to pratice calming, an opportunity to teach emotion language.

  • Assume changing behaviors and learning new behaviors takes time. If you assume potty training will be a two day process, you may be frustrated when it takes two weeks. If you assume it will take a few months, than you are pleasantly surprised at the two week mark.

To learn more ways to calm, join Dr. Rene for our two evening session on Calm Parenting. The next workshop series is offered on June 2 AND 9 from 7:00-9:00pm. For more information and to register, please visit http://www.eventbrite.com/org/283710166?s=1328924.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Tantrum Tips

If your child tantrums, it can be helpful to recognize your child's triggers. Triggers are the things that set your child off, that tend to start the tantrums. Once you identify triggers, you can work harder to avoid tantrums when the triggers happen. You can also avoid some triggers and teach children how to better manage when they can't be avoided. Triggers tend to fall into three categories:


  • Situational triggers are triggers like the child tantrums when they are hungry or when they are tired. These are on you, fix these things. If they tantrum when they are hungry, carry crackers in your bag or plan to feed them small meals throughout the day rather than waiting longer between three larger meals.

  • Social triggers include things like tantruming over having to share toys or over being told "no." The idea for social triggers is children need to learn to both avoid these when they can and manage them when they can't. Learning to manage and calm can take children a long time and a lot of practice.

  • Parents' stress level can be another trigger. When parents are particularly stressed, children tend to tantrum more often. It may be they are reflecting the emotional tone in the house. It may be that, because you are stressed, they are having to get bigger and louder to get your attention.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Sibling Tips

If you are working to improve sibling relationships, it is suggested that you take the pressure off the individual relationship. Rather than saying "You will love your sister," "Your brother is going to be your best friend for life," or "We are a family of love," which puts tremendous pressure on the individual relationship, focus on teaching them how to treat people in general. Teach children play skills, encourage a sense of empathy, teach them emotion language and to listen to others when they speak. The idea is to teach them social skills and allow that to trickle down to their individual relationship.
It is often beneficial to allow for the expression of negative emotions between siblings. When children are allowed to express negative emotions, they can move forward from the situation. When emotions are denied or negated, children have to dig in their heels. They have to get bigger and louder about the feelings or bottle it up and it comes out in other ways. Accept and validate the emotions, help them to express emotions in constructive ways so they can move on.