Playful at the Dinnertable

Dear Dr. Hackney,

My nearly three year old daughter, Natalie, is a picky eater. Actually, she'll eat a variety of foods, but only after I literally beg her to try the first bite. For example, we'll sit at dinner with chicken and salad; she’s eaten chicken a million times. But, she will sit and eat the tomatoes out of her salad and nothing else until I beg her to try one piece of chicken, just to show her that it is something she likes. Once she tries it, she finishes her plate.

The other day, she wouldn't try turkey; although, she has had it before and liked it. Jokingly, I said, "Ok, don't eat the turkey." Sure enough, she put it in her mouth. Again, I said "Please don't eat all this turkey," and she ate it all. So, if I tell her not to eat, she'll eat until she’s full.

Dinner times can be stressful because of either the exchange or lack of eating altogether. When she doesn’t eat, she is distracted by other things and wants to get down. This is disruptive for everyone at mealtime. Although, since we’ve started this “reverse psychology” technique, dinners have been much better.

I've tried letting her not eat and be hungry, hoping that the next time she will eat. But that doesn't seem to have worked. Am I shooting myself in the foot by sabotaging later discipline efforts?

Thank you,
Abigail
Mother of two, ages two and six months

Hi Abigail,

I think you are fine here. As long as you keep it a playful tone and in fun, it is not likely to be confused with times when you mean no. Also, when it loses its appeal, which someday it will, it won’t feel like its’ turned into pressure or frustration. In fact, to make it last longer, don't do it at every meal or, better yet, every day. The more it can be an intermittent tactic, the longer it should last. I am all about making food fun and being playful. The more they enjoy mealtimes, the more they should be relaxed about eating. That said, one should steer clear of pressure to eat but this doesn’t feel like pressure to me.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/

Life Lessons at 2

Dear Dr. Hackney,

I am writing to ask if your classes cover how to teach toddlers, more specifically - the parents, the important “rules?” Our 2 ½ year-old son decided to leave the house alone to find me after I left to walk the dog. Someone was definitely looking over us tonight as a policeman found him. I know that how we handled the situation did not sync-in, and he doesn't realize the gravity of the situation. We have worked on how to ensure he cannot go out of the house without someone, but how do we teach the "life" lessons that are so important?

Please let me know if there is a specific class that helps to address this or if you can help us with private counseling.

Regards,
Maura
Mother of 2 ½ year-old son

Dear Maura,

I wish I had a better answer for you, but no matter how you handle a situation like this, a 2 1/2 year-old may not realize the gravity of it. They have little to no appreciation for the "what ifs" in life and only a slight sense of past and future happenings.

With that said, it can be helpful to keep your emotional response of fear and worry in these moments. If you shift to anger (which many folks do), you may lose impact as they see you angry far more often than they see you afraid or worried.

You might also try to replay the positive behaviors; this means saying, "You ask before you open the doors" and then practicing him asking to open the exterior doors. Do this repeatedly, and remind him every time he goes to open a door to the outside. When he does finally remember to ask, reinforce by saying, "You asked, that is the safe thing to do!" This isn't insurance that it will work every time, nothing is, but it may go a long way toward lessening the behavior.

Work hard to ensure he can't get out again; think high placed locks.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/

Aggressive 2 Year Old

Dear Dr. Hackney,

I attended your Positive Discipline class. Every time Sean (22 months) goes to hit someone, I say, "Hands down: hitting hurts" while holding his hands down. He seems to find this funny and just laughs every time I do it. Once his hands are free; he hits again. I don't feel like I am getting anywhere.

No matter how much I practice the "I" messages and empathy, he seems to overlook all that and go for the jugular. For example, he is transitioning to the two's class at daycare. Today, he was very upset about this, and as soon as we got to the class room, he starting trying to hit a little girl that came over to play with him. I practiced the positive discipline technique described above to no avail. I am realizing that Sean is a very willful child, but I need to be able to rein in this aggressive behavior. Any other ideas would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Jennifer
Mother of one, 22 months


Dear Jennifer,

The I messages and empathy at this little age are to build emotion language and to calm the caregiver. They don't tend to have a big impact on behavior until a bit later (3s) when children better understand their impact on others and reflect a bit on behavior. With that said, keep using the language because eventually you want him to use the language rather than the hitting, so he benefits from the continued modeling.

Right now, it is curbing such as "hands down" in a firm tone. If you can get in front of the behavior so to curb before it happens each time all the better; this means, expect it rather than be surprised. You could be coaching him as he approaches another to "be gentle."

The idea is also to coach and practice the better behaviors out of the moment when no one is hurting. So, tonight when you tuck him in, you might say, "I am touching you in a gentle way. Be gentle," while you touch his arm softly. Then say, "Can you touch mommy gentle?" (Hopefully) "Yes, that's gentle! I like when you are gentle." You are actively teaching a gentle touch. Do this every few days with similar language, and then start to incorporate that language as you coach in the moment; as he approaches a new friend, you might say, "Be gentle, gentle touches," and, hopefully, you are ready to say, "Hands down," and curb before it actually occurs. But you can't really start that and expect it to be effective until he gets the basic concept.

You might also add a bit of a consequence, such as when the hitting does happen to immediately move away from the activity at hand. Your language of consequence may be lost on him at that moment, but the actual follow through if it happens consistently may help to lessen the behavior. This means, if he hits someone in the block center, he is moved out and away from that center, sending the message "if you hit you must move to a different activity."

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/