Parent Question: My 3 1/2 year old 'left' her pacifier at her grandparents and it can't be found. She uses it to sleep. Going to bed and in the morning when she wakes up seem to be the hardest for her. How can we reassure her that she doesn't need it? How can we help her and encourage her along the way?
It has been about three weeks since she stopped using it. Since then, she's had a constant need to be held and has been digressing to baby behavior. When I leave for work, she tells me not to go to work because she wants me to stay home with her. She has been super sensitive... I am thinking all of this is normal and part of the process. But wonder if there is anything else I could be doing to help her? At what point should I be concerned and think this is past normal transition time?
Answer: Lots of empathy: "I know this is hard. I see you are sad, you miss your pacifier." Lots of hugs and downtime. Offer her activities she likes during the hardest parts of the day - if she likes to play dolls offer to play first thing in the morning and let her sleep with one at night. Maybe read an extra story or sing an extra song at bedtime. It can take a few weeks to build new sleep associations and to let go of a comfort object. Maybe take her out and let her pick a new stuffed animal or soft pillow to sleep with.
A guideline for life stressors is +/- 6 to 8 weeks for young children. That is usually referring to something like a new baby in the house which seems a bit bigger than this, BUT it may be just that big a deal to her. I would only talk about it (and openly talk about it then) when she brings it up. Otherwise I would stay mum to not remind her. When she does bring it up, express a bit of empathy, a hug and move on. Try not to wallow. The 'super sensitive' is par for the course. Regression is also a common response to stressor. Again, think downtime everyday. Relaxed playtime where she decides what to do. Keep bedtime routines intact and respect sleep! Children who are stressed are far worse when they are tired. Try to maintain normal schedules. I hope this helps!
Dr. Rene
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Tips on the Steps of Positive Discipline
When you come into a discipline situation, there is a well recognized, often written about series of positive discipline techniques available to help you manage. These steps work together to provide a framework for addressing emotions, offering alternatives and curbing behaviors. The only trick is you have to learn them, practice them and use them in effective ways.
These steps include I messages and empathy to manage emotions, positive intent to better view behaviors, choices to teach and consequences when all else fails. I messages, empathy and positive intent are foundation skills, things to think about as you enter in. They are ways to open communication, to validate the child and encourage them to listen to the rest of the process. Choices are ways to gain compliance without the use of consequences, these work because they share power. Consequences include natural - what just might happen, logical negative - if the bad behavior it's the bad outcome, and logical positive - if the good behavior it's the good outcome.
I messages - I messages label your emotions and blame the behavior, not the child. For example, "I am angry, my lamp is broken," rather than, "I am angry with you, you broke my lamp." "I am frustrated, no one is listening," rather than, "I am frustrated, you never listen."
Empathy - Empathy validates the child's emotions even if you disagree. This sounds like, "Wow! You are angry. You really wanted to win that game," or "I know you are sad, it is hard to be left out."
Positive Intent - Positive intent assumes good reasons even behind bad behaviors. Let's say you call children for snack and they are hustling to get ahead of each other coming up the stairs, someone gets knocked over and falls down. Negative intent might be, "You all are so careless, look you hurt her." Positive intent might be, "I know you were excited about snack." You can follow this with a limit, "The stairs are dangerous, come up carefully," choices, "Do you want to hold hands or come up one at a time slowly," or a consequence, "Since that happened, snack is later."
Choices - Choices offer two positives for the child about how, when, or where to do a behavior. Getting homework done might sounds like, "Do you want to start with reading or math," or "Do you want to do it before snack or after," or "Do you want to work at your bedroom desk or the kitchen table?"
Consequences - Consequences can be natural, "If you don't wear a sweatshirt, you might be cold," logical positive, "If you get it on quickly, we can have more time to play," or logical negaitve, "The longer it takes, the less time we'll have to play."
You can join us online at http://www.askdrrene.com/ to view a three hour workshop on these steps or listen to a two hour review session. You can also join us for our Positive Discipline workshops in Falls Church or Alexandira by visiting http://www.eventbrite.com/org/283710166?s=1328924.
These steps include I messages and empathy to manage emotions, positive intent to better view behaviors, choices to teach and consequences when all else fails. I messages, empathy and positive intent are foundation skills, things to think about as you enter in. They are ways to open communication, to validate the child and encourage them to listen to the rest of the process. Choices are ways to gain compliance without the use of consequences, these work because they share power. Consequences include natural - what just might happen, logical negative - if the bad behavior it's the bad outcome, and logical positive - if the good behavior it's the good outcome.
I messages - I messages label your emotions and blame the behavior, not the child. For example, "I am angry, my lamp is broken," rather than, "I am angry with you, you broke my lamp." "I am frustrated, no one is listening," rather than, "I am frustrated, you never listen."
Empathy - Empathy validates the child's emotions even if you disagree. This sounds like, "Wow! You are angry. You really wanted to win that game," or "I know you are sad, it is hard to be left out."
Positive Intent - Positive intent assumes good reasons even behind bad behaviors. Let's say you call children for snack and they are hustling to get ahead of each other coming up the stairs, someone gets knocked over and falls down. Negative intent might be, "You all are so careless, look you hurt her." Positive intent might be, "I know you were excited about snack." You can follow this with a limit, "The stairs are dangerous, come up carefully," choices, "Do you want to hold hands or come up one at a time slowly," or a consequence, "Since that happened, snack is later."
Choices - Choices offer two positives for the child about how, when, or where to do a behavior. Getting homework done might sounds like, "Do you want to start with reading or math," or "Do you want to do it before snack or after," or "Do you want to work at your bedroom desk or the kitchen table?"
Consequences - Consequences can be natural, "If you don't wear a sweatshirt, you might be cold," logical positive, "If you get it on quickly, we can have more time to play," or logical negaitve, "The longer it takes, the less time we'll have to play."
You can join us online at http://www.askdrrene.com/ to view a three hour workshop on these steps or listen to a two hour review session. You can also join us for our Positive Discipline workshops in Falls Church or Alexandira by visiting http://www.eventbrite.com/org/283710166?s=1328924.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
