A Few Parenting Rules

1. The capacity for change in the parent-child relationship lies with the parent.

2. Self esteem is an outcome measure based largely on a child's sense of social connectedness and sense of accomplishment. It cannot be given, it is developed.

3. Consistency is key in discipline. This basically translates to say what you mean and mean what you say. This is helped by learning about the impact of "intermittent reinforcement."

4. Empathy is often the answer. Validate their emotions, understand where they are coming from.

5. Listen to their teachers, especially their concerns. They may not always be right but most often, safe to assume they are coming from a good place.

6. Know there are many "within normal limits" paths to development.

7. Strive to focus their learning on their strengths. Yes, address the weaknesses but focus on the strengths.

8. Think of Floortime daily and downtime daily.

9. Have less screentime. Make the screentime they have meaningful, choose well.

10. Read aloud everyday, through high school if they'll listen.

Extended Stay with Grandparents

Dear Dr. Rene,
My 5 and 6 year old children are going to be staying with their grandparents for two months while we move our household and set up our new house in Germany. How do we keep this separation and positive experience and let them know they haven't been abadoned?
Sincerely, Sybil
Mother of Two

Dear Sybil,
There are many answers here. First, be ready for them to have some separation issues or related upsets throughout the time. Two months is a stretch and at this little age, the response is unpredictable. Talk to the grandparents in advance about ways they might help and how to manage.

Anytime there is upset, start with giving empathy. Accept their emotion, validate their emotion. Label and talk about why they are feeling that way. Help them to understand and express their feelings. Teach them ways to calm and cope.

During the separation, find ways to connect. Plan to Skype regularly, send a daily postcard, email pictures of the move, call daily. Even if these things are a bit difficult, it is likely good to be in touch.

Have the grandparents keep as regular a schedule as they can. Keep mealtime and bedtime routines intact and sleep on schedule. If the children went to preschool or babysitters, have them go as possible.

Make a fun schedule for the four of them. Encourage the grandparents to take the children to museums, movies, the library for storytimes. Be helpful by researching this for them in advance.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
www.parentingplaygroups.com

Younger Sibling Woes

Dear Dr. Rene,
What do I say when my younger child wants something my older child has or wants to do something my older child is doing but can't. How do I nicely say, "You are not old enough or big enough?" I particularly don't like saying this because as the baby of the family myself, I remember resenting that as a kid. Is there a better or nicer way to explain this to a younger sibling?
Sincerely, Sarah
Mother of Two

Dear Sarah,
I know this can be tough. The first thing I would give is empathy. You might start by saying something like, "I know you really want that," or "I know that looks like so much fun. It's frustrating he has that and you don't." Empathy and validating a child's feelings goes a long way towards settling them down. They can feel you at least understand their position.

Once you've connected you can then be more matter of fact and share the limit. It is fine to explain, "He has that because he is seven years old. When you are seven, you can have one too." Your younger child may still be upset and may not seem to understand but it is okay to have the limit.

Following this you might give them some choices about what else they can do or find a variation of the activity that they could manage.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
www.askdrrene.com
www.parentingplaygroups.com