Thursday, November 18, 2010

Separation Issues Question

Parent Question: I have 2 1/2 year old twins who are experiencing separation issues. One has separation anxiety from me during the day and the other one at night (meaning he wants me to hold, rock, or sleep with all night long). It started a few weeks ago and each subsequent night has gotten worse. My other twin has had separation issues since he was a baby, but now he is able to sleep alone and stays asleep. I would love to start to leave them at the gym day care for about an hour while I work out, but it has not been going well. I have tried multiple times, but the child with daytime separation gets very upset, crys, shakes, and gets physical with the childcare provider. I tried a bigger gym with more activity in the child care room. Do you have any tips to help them? They are scheduled to attend preschool next fall, but until then they are at home with me.

Answer: The unfortunate thing with anxiety issues is that the children need to have experience working through it and being fine on the other side of it for the anxiety to lessen. The more you stay with them through the night or pull them from childcare, the more they feel that its a scary thing and they do need you there. I am not saying bail on them and let them be miserable, but I am saying don't give up on the idea and learn to help them through it. If you do have a sitter or relative that they stay with well, give them more regular experience there. There is a free 1/3 hour on seperation at http://www.parentsperspective.org/, search for Hackney. There is also our full hour on http://www.askdrrene.com/. There is also a good brochure called Separation by the NAEYC.
For sleep, there are check-in methods (Mindell) and gradual move-out methods (Brazelton) that may be helpful there. Both are sending the message, bed is where they belong and it is a good, safe place to be. The books are Sleeping Through the Night by Mindell or Sleep the Brazelton way.
Sincerely, Dr. Rene

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Mealtime Question

Parent Question: My 4 year old child is not eating for me at the table. He wants both my husband and I to help him eat and is very fussy; won't try mashed potatoes or anything. It's a constant battle as he wants toys at the table when eating, like something to keep him occupied rather than eating. He does eat pasta and fishsticks but we sometimes have to literally feed him so it gets eaten. I know this is a bad habit, but it's awful getting him to eat much of anything. It's become such a constant battle that I now hate mealtimes. Please help!

Answer: There are so many answers to this one. I am going to give a few guidelines and point you in the direction of a great book for more. The book is "How to Get Your Kid to Eat But Not Too Much" by Ellyn Satter. She wrote another book and there is also a book by Elbrit, but I like this one.
Guidelines: Parents are in charge of what is offered, children are in charge of what and how much of that they eat. Control what is offered; once it is on the table let him pick and choose. If he fills up on fruit and wants more, ok, you offered it. If that is all he will eat, offer it less often and other things more. Go as wide as you can. Put in those 'only foods' once a month so he can't rely on them. The idea is to let go of the battle. You don't want to be battling over food intake once it is on the table. Lessen the emotion; emotion fuels power struggles.
That is the short answer for a long question. We do have a two-hour workshop on managing mealtimes that includes all this on pickyness. The books I mentioned are also very good.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Nap Time Question

Parent Question: My 3 3/4 year old doesn't want to nap. It takes her time to fall asleep when she does nap, both at bed time and naptime. When she does nap, I would say that on a 24 hour period, she sleeps 10-12 hours. How much sleep should she be getting in a 24 hour period? How long should her naps be at this age and moving forward? Any suggestions for those days (especially with the holidays around the corner) when she stays up late at night and still wakes up early the next day? Thank you!

Answer: 10-12 hours in the 24 hour cycle is the goal now thru late elementary school. Significantly less than 10 can be problematic. 8 is a low minimum. If it were my house, we would be transitioning to 'quiet time.' An hour everyday of play quietly in your bed which you respect like a nap - same time, same length everyday. You can say, "You don't have to sleep, just stay in bed and stay quiet." I would give a quiet activity or book after the first 20 mins or so. If you provide this religiously the idea is they are still resting and if they need to should fall asleep. If she naps, think 60 to 90 minutes, which is probably plenty. Don't want it to vary widely from day to day. On really crazy holiday days, plan quiet breaks in the day. Maybe spend 30 minutes in the afternoon snuggling and reading a chapter book or time listening to quiet music.
Sincerely, Dr. Rene

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Pacifier Question

Parent Question: My 3 1/2 year old 'left' her pacifier at her grandparents and it can't be found. She uses it to sleep. Going to bed and in the morning when she wakes up seem to be the hardest for her. How can we reassure her that she doesn't need it? How can we help her and encourage her along the way?
It has been about three weeks since she stopped using it. Since then, she's had a constant need to be held and has been digressing to baby behavior. When I leave for work, she tells me not to go to work because she wants me to stay home with her. She has been super sensitive... I am thinking all of this is normal and part of the process. But wonder if there is anything else I could be doing to help her? At what point should I be concerned and think this is past normal transition time?

Answer: Lots of empathy: "I know this is hard. I see you are sad, you miss your pacifier." Lots of hugs and downtime. Offer her activities she likes during the hardest parts of the day - if she likes to play dolls offer to play first thing in the morning and let her sleep with one at night. Maybe read an extra story or sing an extra song at bedtime. It can take a few weeks to build new sleep associations and to let go of a comfort object. Maybe take her out and let her pick a new stuffed animal or soft pillow to sleep with.
A guideline for life stressors is +/- 6 to 8 weeks for young children. That is usually referring to something like a new baby in the house which seems a bit bigger than this, BUT it may be just that big a deal to her. I would only talk about it (and openly talk about it then) when she brings it up. Otherwise I would stay mum to not remind her. When she does bring it up, express a bit of empathy, a hug and move on. Try not to wallow. The 'super sensitive' is par for the course. Regression is also a common response to stressor. Again, think downtime everyday. Relaxed playtime where she decides what to do. Keep bedtime routines intact and respect sleep! Children who are stressed are far worse when they are tired. Try to maintain normal schedules. I hope this helps!
Dr. Rene

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Tips on the Steps of Positive Discipline

When you come into a discipline situation, there is a well recognized, often written about series of positive discipline techniques available to help you manage. These steps work together to provide a framework for addressing emotions, offering alternatives and curbing behaviors. The only trick is you have to learn them, practice them and use them in effective ways.

These steps include I messages and empathy to manage emotions, positive intent to better view behaviors, choices to teach and consequences when all else fails. I messages, empathy and positive intent are foundation skills, things to think about as you enter in. They are ways to open communication, to validate the child and encourage them to listen to the rest of the process. Choices are ways to gain compliance without the use of consequences, these work because they share power. Consequences include natural - what just might happen, logical negative - if the bad behavior it's the bad outcome, and logical positive - if the good behavior it's the good outcome.

I messages - I messages label your emotions and blame the behavior, not the child. For example, "I am angry, my lamp is broken," rather than, "I am angry with you, you broke my lamp." "I am frustrated, no one is listening," rather than, "I am frustrated, you never listen."

Empathy - Empathy validates the child's emotions even if you disagree. This sounds like, "Wow! You are angry. You really wanted to win that game," or "I know you are sad, it is hard to be left out."

Positive Intent - Positive intent assumes good reasons even behind bad behaviors. Let's say you call children for snack and they are hustling to get ahead of each other coming up the stairs, someone gets knocked over and falls down. Negative intent might be, "You all are so careless, look you hurt her." Positive intent might be, "I know you were excited about snack." You can follow this with a limit, "The stairs are dangerous, come up carefully," choices, "Do you want to hold hands or come up one at a time slowly," or a consequence, "Since that happened, snack is later."

Choices - Choices offer two positives for the child about how, when, or where to do a behavior. Getting homework done might sounds like, "Do you want to start with reading or math," or "Do you want to do it before snack or after," or "Do you want to work at your bedroom desk or the kitchen table?"

Consequences - Consequences can be natural, "If you don't wear a sweatshirt, you might be cold," logical positive, "If you get it on quickly, we can have more time to play," or logical negaitve, "The longer it takes, the less time we'll have to play."

You can join us online at http://www.askdrrene.com/ to view a three hour workshop on these steps or listen to a two hour review session. You can also join us for our Positive Discipline workshops in Falls Church or Alexandira by visiting http://www.eventbrite.com/org/283710166?s=1328924.

Friday, October 29, 2010

'Playful' Hitting Question

Parent Question: How do I teach my 20 month old daughter not to 'playfully' hit my face when I'm holding her sometimes? I tell her no hitting and be gentle with mommy but she just finds it funny so I end up putting her down.

Answer: I would say in a firmer voice than usual and with a straight face, "That hurts" and put her down the first time and each time. Don't wait until the second hit or attempt. Later in the day I would coach how we touch people and practice being gentle. When she does touch nicely, gush a bit. Say "Wow, that was so nice. You touched me in a gentle way!" She is young for much more.
I hope this helps! Dr. Rene

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Question about Child's Sleep

Parent Question: I have a three year old who goes to bed at 7:30pm, and while he sleeps through the night, he wakes up at 4:30 am and will not go back to sleep. He goes to sleep on his own at night. I have him go back to bed, even if he is awake, and he will generally stay in his room, quiet, for about 45 minutes. He is a mess all morning until his nap. This has been going on for about 9 months. Please advise.

Answer: You are doing the first few things I would suggest, having him fall asleep on his own and having a consistent time. It is good to have him spend quiet time in his room rather than going ahead and getting him up. You might try shifting the bedtime back. Doing this is just 15 minutes a week so this week it would move to 7:45pm, the next week 8:00pm. You may not earn the extra time early in the week but later in each week or the following you may start to get a later wake time. You might also check if it is light or noise and try blackout blinds or a white noise machine. You might also (and I know this one sounds scary) put him to bed like usual and wake him a bit a few hours in. Meaning, at 10:00pm or so rouse him, just enough to be awake and help him back to sleep. I have heard this is successful in many families in getting kids to sleep a bit longer in the mornings. Scary because you could just end up with a child who had a 2 1/2 hour nap and is ready to go. But this is supposed to 'reset' their sleep schedule and buy you some time. Likely worth trying for a few nights to see if it works. You might also push back his morning nap. Meaning if he naps at 11:45am, push it back to 12:00noon for a week and 12:15pm for a week. I know this is difficult as he is miserable from being up early but if you shift the bedtime and nap later it may help. By 3 years old, nap should also be in the 1 1/2 hour range; if it is significantly longer it could be interfering with the nighttime sleep.
Sincerely, Dr. Rene

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Potty Training Question

Parent Question: By this point, my child has the hang of peeing in the potty. She still sometimes goes in her pull-up but more so on the toilet. We're continuing to have two issues I'm hoping you can advise on:
1) Very rarely does she ask to go to the potty. She's not good at vocalizing her need to go. Does this come with more practice and maturity or is there something I can do to help get her to realize she needs to go and then tell us (before the fact)?
2) She has only pooped in the potty a few times since we started potty training in the beginning of September. Most of the time, she goes in her pull-up. Any advice?

Answer: For both issues I would start with the language of ownership. For the first concern something like, "Do you know that feeling in your tummy/that pressure in your tummy when you need to pee? You are the only one in the whole wide world who knows when you feel that. It is your job to tell me when you need to pee." or "Let me know when you need to pee. Remember I can't do that for you." For the second concert, "You are so potty trained for peepee! I know when you are ready, you will put your poop in the potty too." I know this language can feel awkward and it is supposed to be delivered in an upbeat (no discipline) way. Also not around accidents or on the potty as it can feel like discipline. More a peptalk as you are tucking her in or while driving home from preschool, out of the blue.
Yes, the first concern should also settle with age and practice.
Have her at least be in the bathroom for the second concern. "The place to be when you need to poop is in the bathroom. I know you're not ready to sit on the potty for that, but everyone poops in the bathroom." Don't force this, just encourage. If she is willing to do that you might have her sit (starting with pullup on and even dressed) on the potty.
I know this can be a long process.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Building Confidence

  • Provide challenges in play - Challenges in play give children practice at rising to the occassion, at testing their skills and trying new things. When they are building with blocks, challenge them to build taller. When they are working on mazes, challenge them to go faster. The more opportunity to meet new goals, the more confident they become to try the next.
  • Support them just enough - When children struggle, give hints and suggestions rather than outright answers. Try to give them just enough to get back on track and moving forward. Avoid doing fully for them.
  • The goal is often independence - When you are working through with children, focus on teaching them about your thought process and decision making. Encourage them to step back, brainstorm, try new avenues to problem solve. The goal of helping children with a task is increased independence the next go around.
  • Check social skills - Children who struggle socially are at a disadvantage for many other tasks. It is hard to concentrate on soccer skills if you are worried you are not accepted by teammates. It is hard to focus on second grade math if you just had a miserable time at recess. Keep social skills in check.
  • Focus on skill building not competition - Especially under 6 years old (likely thru 8) athletics are about learning the basics of a sport. About learning to throw and catch and the vocabulary of the game. Focus on skills building long before a focus on competition.
  • I messages not You messages in discipline - I messages target behavior, You messages target the child. Shift from blaming child to blaming behavior. Say "I am frustrated, no one is listening," rather than, "I am frustrated with you, you never listen." First child feels badly about the not listening, second badly about self.
  • Descriptive not evaluative praise - In praise focus on the behavior as well. Describe the behavior and label it. Say something like, "You practiced that song all week and learned every note," or, "You remembered they were waiting for a turn, how kind." Avoid "good job," "good boy," "that was great," "I like the way you," as it is evaluative. There are a few good examples of this difference at http://www.monkeysee.com/play/4189-what-are-some-examples-of-each-type-of-praise.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Positive Discipline

Here are a few FAQs about Positive Discipline language.

Does the positive discipline approach include Time-Out or 1-2-3 Magic? While I include both of these techniques in our Positive Discipline workshops, most do not catagorize these techniques as positive discipline. Both time-out and 1-2-3 magic along with reward systems and schedules are considered behavior modification tools. They are a more narrow and defined approach. I include them in our programs because if parents are choosing to use them, I want them to use them well. I want parents to know what all the pitfalls are and what is considered best practice.
What do I do when choices don't work? Offering choices is an important piece of the positive discipline approach but there are several ways they don't work. Some children just won't choose or they choose one and then argue for the other or they do choose but won't follow thru. When choices fail, you can choose for the child given a warning, you can slow down and walk them thru the pros and cons of each option, you can allow them a third option if they offer or you can move on to consequences. The idea is be flexible in the choices you give, be creative so it's not the same choices everytime.
What if I use empathy and my child gets more upset? When you first start using empahty the flood gates may open. You may get a child who shoes greater upset because they feel someone is finally listening. This is common and should be worked thru. Other children just don't like empathy. They don't want you labeling their emotions. If that is the case you can try 'story telling', talk about a time when you felt that way or when someone else had a similar experiences. You are still understanding without focusing so heavily on their emotion. You might also try 'wants and wishes' which is talking about what the child wanted or wished would have happened rather than how they are feeling.
It it okay if it is just one parent using this approach, not both? Clearly it is beneficial if both parents are on the same page and sharing a similar approach. That said, one parent using positive discipline is better than neither. Hopefully the second will see the benefits over time. It may be helpful for that parent to read a book or take a workshop so the push towards positive discipline isn't coming from you but from an outside source. If there are real differences (unless it is abusive) still work to support each other rather than undermine in moments of discipline.
Positive Intent doesn't feel natural, do I have to use each step? I know I messages, empathy and positive intent may feel unnatural to some people. It may not be the language you grew up with. It may feel like we are letting children off the hook when really we are laying foundation for the hook of discipline. In any case, no, I don't think the positive discipline approach is made on any particular skills. There are so many techniques available that parents should be able to work around one or two.
How can I learn more about this approach? There are good books: Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Bailey, Positive Discipline by Nelson, The Discipline Book by Sears & Sears to name a few. There are many good places to find workshops. In the DC/VA/MD are this includeds PEP (Parents Encouragement Program), SCAN (Stop Child Abuse Now, which offers classes in English and Spanish) and JSSA (Jewish Social Services Agency). Of course, you can always join our programs or use our workbook.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Managing Homework

As school starts back each year, many families struggle over how and when to schedule homework. Here are a few tips:
  • Let your child help set the schedule - Think about and discuss the child's needs first. Does your child need a few minutes to unwind and have a snack just after school or are they the type who want to jump right in and get it done before relaxing? Does your child work best in one long stretch or would it be best to break the homework time into sessions? Do they prefer to get the hard work out of the way first or knock the easier things off the list and then buckle down? The idea here is the more choices the child has, the greater their sense of control and they may be more willing to get to work.
  • Consider other pieces of the schedule and mark it on the calendar - Of course, many children work homework around soccer practice and piano lessons. If you have a busy family schedule, it may be best to sit and actually put homework time on the calendar each week.
  • Fully stock their homework area - Before they sit for their first homework session, be sure they have everything they will need. This varies by grade but at a minimum have sharpened pencils, erasers, and lined paper. Older children may need erasable pens, graph paper, and a calculator. If things are readily available it is one less reason to procrastinate.
  • Two notes on homework area - Be sure their space is well lit. Unless it is just reading, strive to have them seated at a desk or table. I get children laying across the sofa or sprawled out on the floor for reading time, but if there is writing involved, encourage them to get up off the floor and seated.
  • Take a minute to consider what all needs to be done - If there are several tasks, help children make a check list. Just a few tasks, help them to put things in order.
  • Start early teaching them to study and review - By second grade children should be thinking about reviewing previous work and studying for tests. This is a few minutes additional to their homework time and done regularly, not just the night before a test.

If you want to learn more, join Dr. Rene for a night on Managing Homework & Building Academic Motivation. This is happening Thursday, September 30th from 7:00-9:00pm at our Alexandria location. For more information and to register, please visit http://www.eventbrite.com/org/283710166?s=1328924.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Labels for Good Behavior

In many of our workshops, we highlight the differences between using evaluative v. descriptive praise. This includes the benefits of being descriptive. Being descriptive is describing a child's behavior and giving it a label. You might say, "You handed a block, that was helpful." or "You waited while mommy was speaking, that was patient."

In class last night someone asked for a list of descriptors. I think these descriptors are any positive traits, ways you would hope to be able to describe your child. Here is a starter list, I am sure there are many other. Please comment and add more!

thoughtful, kind, nice, helpful, friendly, gracious, cooperative, honest, straightforward, compassionate, brave, courageous, humble, caring, gentle, considerate, loving, enthusiastic, patient, generous, polite, useful, punctual, creative, witty, funny, fun, entertaining, sharp, quick, hard working (a hard worker), smart, persistent, neat, practical, clear, organized, careful, attentive, focused, diligent, thorough, detailed, flexible, perceptive, a good listener, good sister, good friend, good sharer, good turn-taker, good listener, good rememberer

Depending on their age, children may not know what all these terms mean but the more you use them in context, the more you are teaching them the words.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Competition and Being First

Do your children struggle with winning and losing in play?

Are they crushed when they can't be the first or the best at something?

Here are some tips to help you calm the competition.
  • Coach your child on how to be a good winner and a good loser - Being a good winner includes congratulating the other players, celebrating in ways that consider others and encouraging more play. Being a good loser includes congratulating the winner, expressing disappointment in comfortable ways and continuing to participate as appropriate. Teaching this can take a great deal of time and effort.
  • Even if it is really difficult, don't avoid playing - Children who struggle with competition need more practice, not less.
  • Start small with competition - If your child has difficulty with winning and losing, it may be best to start small. It may be easier to manage emotions with a game like tic-tac-toe or Hullabaloo that takes a minute to play rather than a game like Candyland that requires a 20 minute investment.
  • Focus on cooperative efforts - For children who need to be the first or the best, offer cooperative activities more often. Think a movie rather than a board game or a relay to beat the clock rather than a race against each other.
  • Play cooperative games - Snail's Pace Race, Colorama and Caterpillar Crawl all by Ravensburger are fun cooperative board games. You can make Candyland a cooperative effort by all being the blue guy and seeing how fast everyone working together can get him to the castle. Everybody Wins! by Sobel offers hundreds of non-competitive play ideas.
  • Read about it - Good books include The Mightiest by Kasza, Winners Never Quit and Go for the Goal: A Champions Guide to Winning in Soccer and in Life both by Mia Hamm, Timothy Goes to School by Wells and Competition: Deal with It by Messier.

Children can join our Competition Boot Camp - Sat. Oct. 9th: http://www.eventbrite.com/event/842837051

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Sibling Discipline

During our workshops on Siblings, we often get questions about discipline. During out workshops on Discipline, we often get questions about siblings. If you have more than one child, you know, these topics often overlap. I am going to provide answers here to some of those FAQs.
  • Praise Individually - When you praise a child be sure that you are speaking to them directly, not trying to impact their sibling's behavior. This means you don't say, "Johnney, you cleaned your room! It always looks so nice in your room." and then glare at his sister hoping she will hear and clean her's. When you give a child praise, your intent should be clean. You should be praising for something you noticed NOT to impact their siblings.
  • Discipline Individually - I know this is sometimes unavoidable but as a parent avoid it when you can. This means if just Johnney is misbehaving at the playground try to find consequences other than having to leave the playground which would negatively impact his well behaved siblings.
  • Avoid Asking "Who had it first?" and "Who started it?" - You are likely going to get two very different versions of the same story and it often leaves you in just as unsure a place as you were before. You may also end up erring on the side of the one with the better verbal skills or louder crying. Worse yet, you may be encouraging them to lie. The answer is to instead, state what you know, "I see you are struggling and both want that doll," then move forward together.
  • Fair is Not Equal, Fair is Everyone Has Their Needs Met - This is a hard one to realize as so many parents strive to treat their children equally. Your children, however, are likely quite different from each other. They may be different ages and sexes. They may have strikingly different personalities. All of this means their needs are different. Let's say you are the parent of an impulsive seven year old boy and a reserved three and a half year old girl. Let's say on different days they each squabble over a toy and hit a playmate. Everyone having their needs met means it is okay that your discipline response is not the same even though their behavior was.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Help Between Siblings

Help Between Siblings
It is fine to ask for and expect help between siblings. What you want to avoid is one child feeling like the other is their job, their responsibility. There are subtle shifts in language and positive discipline techniques that can be helpful in walking this fine line.
  • Give Choices - So their sibling doesn't feel like a chore, offer children choices about how they would like to help, what they would like to do. If you need help getting bath ready ask if they would like to get the towels or start the water.
  • Talk About Caregiving in Both Directions - Rather than saying "You are the big brother. It is your job to keep him safe." Say "We are a family. In a family we will all work to keep each other safe."
  • Give Descriptive Praise When They are Helpful - When the hold a siblings hand crossing the parking lot say "Wow, look at you holding your brother's hand. You are helping to keep each other safe!" When they help pick other's pajamas say, "You got his pajamas ready. That helps everyone getting ready for bed!"
  • Avoid Competition, Encourage Cooperation - Instead of having them race to beat each other getting dressed, challenge them to work together to beat the clock.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Bookclub on Screamfree Parenting Notes

Last week our Parenting Bookclub met to discuss Screamfree Parenting: A Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool by Runkel. What a great book! Here are a few tips for our discussion:

  • Focus more on being responsible to your children, focus less on being responsible for them. You were not theone screaming in the restaurant but you are the one responsible to teach them better.
  • Focus on your own response more than their behavior in each discipline exchange. Control what you can. The capacity for change in the parent-child relationship lies int he parent. Focus more heavily on changing their behavior often adds to the frustration.
  • Emotional reactivity is damaging to relationships. When you get reactive (acting out of anger, fear or frustration) you are very likely making the situation worse.
  • Respect that your children's emotions, thoughts and opinions will differ from yours.
  • Take pressure off the end result. If you want your child to be religious and you force the issue, they can never authentically choose it for themselves. You are in a far better position to expose and guide them, take them to religious events, read the books, have the discussions. Focus on making it available rather than forcing.
  • When your children are "testing you," shift to thinking that they are testing your ability to stay calm, dependable, stable and consistent.
  • Take care of yourself to better take care of them. This includes your health, your relationships and your time.
  • Learn and decide how to use a wide variety of positive discipline tools so you can be prepared and rely on the to help in finding the calm.
  • There is a real balance in parenting. Must address the business side before you can enjoy the personal side. Must provide the empathy and positive intent to balance the use of choices and consequences.
  • Say what you mean and mean what you say. In the positive, keep your promises. In the negative, follow through on discipline.
  • Your children want and deserve a parent who keeps their cool, stays level headed even when things get hot!

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Correcting Manners

Dear Dr. Rene,

We had a grown-up visitor who taught my daughter to burp at the table. I didn't like this at all but I didn't want to be rude so I kept my mouth shut. What is the best way to handle this situation without upsetting anybody?

Sincerely,
Katya, Mother of One

Dear Katya,
I don't think you would be rude at all saying, "I'm sorry, but that's not okay at our table." It's brief and direct without an upset. If given with a straight face should be enough to curb your guest and send a clear message to your child.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
www.askdrrene.com

Aggression from Other Children

Dear Dr. Rene,
Recently I asked my husband's best friend's 3 1/2 year old daughter to stop pushing our 1 1/2 year old daughter, her mother got upset. Her response was that the children have to learn to resolve the matter themselves. Is it okay to discipline your friend's children if the parents don't react to their kids aggressive behaviors towards your own child?
Sincerely,
Katya, Mother of One

Dear Katya,
You did the first thing I would suggest. If another child is aggressive towards your child and the parent is present, I would ask them for their help. When you do this be sure to avoid blame language. Stay away from saying things like "Your child is being bad," or "Don't you teach him any better?" If there is blame in your language the other parent is less likely to listen or help. Instead blame yourself or the situation. Say something like, "I am at a bit of a loss here, could you help?" or "I'm not sure how to best handle this, have you dealt with this before?" You will find some parents are readily helpful. Others, like your friend, aren't so helpful.

If the other parent isn't around or not helpful, I think you are always within reason to speak for your own. This means to address the situation by speaking for your own child rather than disciplining the other. You might say, "Ouch, that hurt her! I can't let her get hurt." or "She wasn't finished with her turn. She'd like that back." Here, you are modeling the language you want your child to be using in the future. It would be good for her to say, "Ouch, that hurt! Stop it." or "I wasn't done with that. I'd like it back." You are erring on the side of speaking for your own without disciplining the other.

I do understand your friend's idea that children need to learn to work it out on their own abd you want to give them some space to develop social skills BUT when they start hurting each other they are stating very clearly that they don't yet have the social skills necessary to work this out. When it starts to go poorly it is still up to parents and teachers to step in a teach the needed social skills, to guide the children through the problem solving process. For sure this is the case at 1 and 3 years old and continues to be the case as children continue to struggle.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
www.parentingplaygroups.com
submit questions to blog@parentingplaygroups.com

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Teaching Manners Can Be Fun

With the start of a Manners Boot Camp for children at our office this summer, there is a lot of talk about teaching manners in fun ways. We also have a live Online Workshop tomorrow on Teaching Manners through http://www.askdrrene.com/.

There are a few games for teaching manners like "Mother May I" we add "Mother May I Please" The exchange before moving is "Mother, May I please take 2 steps?" "Yes, you may," "Thank you," "Your welcome." After each 4 phrase exchange the child moves and the next player asks.

Start a "Manners Jar." First, talk with your children for a week about manners such as saying "please," "thank you," "excuse me" and "I'm sorry." Discuss table manners each night at dinner. Teach how to introduce themselves to others and how to answer and speak on the phone. Read a storybook about manners each night at bedtime. Starting the second week see how often you can catch other family members remembering their manners. Each time someon is polite, put a pom-pom or a marble in your Manners Jar. See if you can fill it in a week OR measure your progress by seeing if you can earn more the second week than the first. If you want to tie a reward to filling the jar, be sure to make it manners related (to stay a positive logical consequence). This would be saying, "We'll go to a fancy restaurant for dessert and practice our newly learned table manners."


Start a Manners Journal. Each night at dinner talk about something someone in the family did that day that was polite or practicing good manners. Write it down in the journal with their name at the top of the page.

Play board games that teach manners such as The Picnic Basket Manners Game by Noodleboro, The Blunders game of Manners by Successful Kids or Don't Pick Your Nose by Bambini.

Friday, July 2, 2010

A Few Parenting Rules

1. The capacity for change in the parent-child relationship lies with the parent.

2. Self esteem is an outcome measure based largely on a child's sense of social connectedness and sense of accomplishment. It cannot be given, it is developed.

3. Consistency is key in discipline. This basically translates to say what you mean and mean what you say. This is helped by learning about the impact of "intermittent reinforcement."

4. Empathy is often the answer. Validate their emotions, understand where they are coming from.

5. Listen to their teachers, especially their concerns. They may not always be right but most often, safe to assume they are coming from a good place.

6. Know there are many "within normal limits" paths to development.

7. Strive to focus their learning on their strengths. Yes, address the weaknesses but focus on the strengths.

8. Think of Floortime daily and downtime daily.

9. Have less screentime. Make the screentime they have meaningful, choose well.

10. Read aloud everyday, through high school if they'll listen.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Extended Stay with Grandparents

Dear Dr. Rene,
My 5 and 6 year old children are going to be staying with their grandparents for two months while we move our household and set up our new house in Germany. How do we keep this separation and positive experience and let them know they haven't been abadoned?
Sincerely, Sybil
Mother of Two

Dear Sybil,
There are many answers here. First, be ready for them to have some separation issues or related upsets throughout the time. Two months is a stretch and at this little age, the response is unpredictable. Talk to the grandparents in advance about ways they might help and how to manage.

Anytime there is upset, start with giving empathy. Accept their emotion, validate their emotion. Label and talk about why they are feeling that way. Help them to understand and express their feelings. Teach them ways to calm and cope.

During the separation, find ways to connect. Plan to Skype regularly, send a daily postcard, email pictures of the move, call daily. Even if these things are a bit difficult, it is likely good to be in touch.

Have the grandparents keep as regular a schedule as they can. Keep mealtime and bedtime routines intact and sleep on schedule. If the children went to preschool or babysitters, have them go as possible.

Make a fun schedule for the four of them. Encourage the grandparents to take the children to museums, movies, the library for storytimes. Be helpful by researching this for them in advance.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
www.parentingplaygroups.com

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Younger Sibling Woes

Dear Dr. Rene,
What do I say when my younger child wants something my older child has or wants to do something my older child is doing but can't. How do I nicely say, "You are not old enough or big enough?" I particularly don't like saying this because as the baby of the family myself, I remember resenting that as a kid. Is there a better or nicer way to explain this to a younger sibling?
Sincerely, Sarah
Mother of Two

Dear Sarah,
I know this can be tough. The first thing I would give is empathy. You might start by saying something like, "I know you really want that," or "I know that looks like so much fun. It's frustrating he has that and you don't." Empathy and validating a child's feelings goes a long way towards settling them down. They can feel you at least understand their position.

Once you've connected you can then be more matter of fact and share the limit. It is fine to explain, "He has that because he is seven years old. When you are seven, you can have one too." Your younger child may still be upset and may not seem to understand but it is okay to have the limit.

Following this you might give them some choices about what else they can do or find a variation of the activity that they could manage.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
www.askdrrene.com
www.parentingplaygroups.com

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Preschool and Separation

Dear Dr. Rene,
My daughter will be 4 in September and has never participated in any program away from me. She is very resistant to the idea but will be starting preschool in the fall. Is it okay for preschool to be her first experience away from me or should I force the issue this summer?
Sincerely,
Karen, Mother of One

Dear Karen,
I think it would be good to have at least a few experiences over the summer. You might sign up for a few single drop-off classes and or short camp session. You might also just schedule babysitters more often and practice that way.

That said, it is also fine for preschool to be her first experience with separation. Experienced preschool teachers have dealt with initial transitions and separation anxiety. Most expect this to some degree every September. To be fair to all involved though, you might contact the teacher prior to school and let her know you expect some difficulty. It would be good to have an understanding of the school's drop-off procedures and guidelines for managing separation issues.

It may also be helpful (if allowed) to play on the school's playground over the summer. Take advantage of any preview experiences such as a home or classroom visit. Ask for a class list so you can start playdates over the summer months, this way you ensure a few familiar faces on the first day. Take pictures of the other children and teacher as soon as you can and give these to your child to help make connections.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
www.parentingplaygroups.com

Monday, June 21, 2010

Parents with Different Discipline Styles

Dear Dr. Rene,
My husband and I don't parent in similar ways. He thinks I am too soft, I often think he is too hard on the kids in discipline. Should we work to find a simiar style or is it okay that we discipline in different ways?
Sincerely, Carol
Mother of Three


Dear Carol,
The fencepost answer - it would be nice to work on finding similar ways and it is fine to have different styles in parenting. Your children are going to develop a different relationship with you than they have with your husband. Think about it growing up, you likely had different relationships with your parents and in most families this works fine. It teaches children to be flexible.

When there are disagreements, the general guideline is whoever starts it, get to finish it. This means, unless it is abusive, whichever parent starts a discipline exchange is allowed to finish it. The second parent should avoid undermining or arguing with the first. The second should not rescue the child or change the discipline in anyway. Of course, if the first parent is asking for help or handing the child off, it is fine to move on and differ. If the first parent is not asking for help or handing off, the second should ONLY reinforce by saying something like, "Listen to your father." If you as the second parent REALLY disagree with the first, it is fine to take a few notes and discuss it later and well out of earshot of the child.

That said, it is nice when parents' styles are in sync. You might want to read a discipline book together or sign-up for a parenting workshop. Finding common ground would mean for smoother times in general.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
www.askdrrene.com

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Getting 3 Year Old to Answer

Dear Dr. Rene,
Everytime I ask my 3 year old what he did in preschool, he says "Nothing." how can I get him engaged in a conversation about this?
Sincerely,
Hope, Mother of One

Dear Hope,
This is a common complaint. You might use the class weekly or monthly plans to ask more specific questions like, "I see you made collages today, was that fun?" or "What did you do at movement class today?" If the teacher sends daily reports, use that as your jump off. You might ask more specific questions like, "Who did you sit with at snack?" or "Who was the line leader?" You might ask funny questions like, "What was the worst thing about preschool today?" or "Did you go to the bathroom by yourself or with friends today?" You might also ask future plans, "What do you think you'll do at school tomorrow?" If he has a favorite thing like the car mat you might start there, "Did you get to drive cars on the mat today?" It may be that he just needs a break from being social after a day at school so you might wait until after snack or a bit of playtime before you ask.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
http://www.askdrrene.com/

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Tantrums at School

Dear Dr. Rene,
I am a mother of 4 and expecting a 5th. Our second to youngest child is throwing really bad tantrums in school. These tantrums are out of control and disrupt the entire class. The school is talking about suspension because this is interrupting the whole K, 1st and 2nd grade hallway. I have tried everything I can think of from taking away special toys and explaining she has a choice to throw a tantum. I thought by 6 years old she would not be having these tantrums but they still seem to be problematic.
Please help.
Sincerely,
Andrea, Mother of Five

Dear Andrea,
This is a difficult situation all the way around. There are a few things to do at home and a few things to do at school that may be helpful. I would ask if there is a space provided for children to be alone, to calm down and regain themselves that is also safe. This might be a quiet corner of the classroom or the waiting area of the nurse's office. It would be best if this is away from the other children and somewhere she can take herself. There is a preschool near us that has a small house filled with beanbags and pillows. When children feel overwhelmed and angry they are invited in to help themselves settle. This works by removing the audience and and social reinforcement as well as provding a calming setting. It is hard to stay mad when you are lounging on bean bags.

A thing to do at school and at home is to focus on teaching emotions language, better ways to express and ways to calm. These are things that are helpful to most children in overcoming tantrums, take a long time to learn and best if reinforced at home and school. it is best to teach these things out of the moment, when all are calm. If you wait and try to teach these things when children are emotional and overwhelmed, they are not in a good place to learn.

Likely it is best to avoid disciplining behaviors that happen hours earlier in school. If it is a big enough behavior that you were made aware of, the child was already disciplined at school. If it is several hours later, the child may not connect those things well. I am not saying just let it go but rather focus heavily on coaching the new behavior. Talk to your child about the thing that happened at school, brainstorm better options, together find ways for the child to make amends and do better the next day.

With tantrums, it can be helpful to lean about "charting a behavior," in this case it is focusing on triggers (what sets a child off) and cue behaviors (signs they are about to tantrum). This would have to be in the school setting, so by the teacher or guidance counselor. it would mean a bit of observation time and record keeping but would provide helpful information so the school can be more prepared to manage the upset.

There is a full discussion of these ideas on our http://www.askdrrene.com/ website, in the recorded workshop on manageing tantrums. There is also a good book titled No More Meltdowns, which is good about managing tantrums in school age children.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/

Friday, May 28, 2010

Nap Issues

Dear Dr. Rene,

My 2 year old still takes an afternoon nap for 1 to 3 hours each afternoon. I've noticed if the afternoon nap is long or if he naps later in the afternoon, he has trouble going to sleep at the regular 8:00pm bedtime or wakes up during the night. If he skips nap or naps for a short time, he is cranky by 5:00pm. Any suggestions?

Sincerely,

Lee, Mother of One



Dear Lee,

One thing that might help is being more consistent with your naptime routine. Naps benefit from being at the same time, in the same place everyday. It may also be helpful to build in a short naptime routine to aid the transition. If long naps seem to interfere with nighttime sleep, the idea is to gradually make naps shorter. Think about waking them up 15 minutes earlier each week. If they have been a 3 hour naps, for this wake them at 2 hours and 45 minutes consistently. The next week, 2 hours and 30 minutes until it seems to be the right amount of nap and not impact nighttime sleep. Also, be sure nap starts by 1:00pm at the latest so they might be back up is around 3:00pm. This will avoid bumping into bedtime.

Sincerely,

Dr. Rene

http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/

Sleep Issues - Children Sharing Room

Dear Dr. Hackney,
I have 26 month old twin girls. They share a bedroom. One of my twins wakes up crying in the middle of the night a few times a week. In an effort to prevent the twin who wakes up from waking the other, my husband and I usually wait a few minutes to see if the if the crying will stop and then go in to remove the crying twin from the room. It has become increasingly difficult to get her back to sleep. Once she is out of the room she asks to watch tv or go downstairs and play. She will sometimes stay awake for up to two hours before going back to sleep. She often asks for juice which we give her. How do we get her to stay asleep or help her go back to sleep more quickly when she wakes?
Thank you,
Grace, Mother of Two

Dear Grace,
The first thing to check if children are waking at night and calling out is how they are falling asleep at bedtime. Unless they are co-sleeping, the goal is for children to fall asleep in the same place and by themselves each night. The more able they are to nod off independently, the more likely they are to be able to self soothe if they wake later.

The idea when children wake at night is to do as little as possible. Avoid taking her out of the room. Better yet, avoid taking her out of her bed. Best if you can sit beside her quietly. Being able to get up and play or watch tv is very reinforcing to calling out the next time. I think I might get up in the night if I knew there was juice and someone to play with. While she may wake the first night or two, hopefully the other will learn to sleep through.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
http://www.askdrrene.com/

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Sibling Concerns

Dear Dr. Rene,
My family has a history of siblings not getting along. I was never close to my sister growing up. My mom and dad are practically estranged frmot heir siblings. My sons are only 4 years and 14 months old. Is there anything I can do now and in the next few years to maximize the odds they will become life long friends?
Thank you,
Hope, Mother of Two



Dear Hope,
First thing to do is be sure you've let go of the expectation that the boys won't be friends. Expect they will enjoy each other and find ways to build a positive relationship over time. Our expectations may help to shape the outcome.

That said, avoid putting pressure on the specific relationship. There is an idea that insisting on good feeling between children leads to bad. If you find yourself saying, "You will love your brother. He is supposed to be your best friend in life!" it is likely bottling negative emotions which may pile up and work against the relationship. It is a better practice to allow for and recognize the negative emotions. When children feel heard they can let go of the fight and hopefully move forward.

Ideally you are giving opportunity and encouragement for togetherness without pressure. Think of ways they can be together like sharing a room or work together like cooking without forcing the issue. There is more detail about these suggestions and many others in Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish. This is a fantastic parenting book and would be a good next step.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
blog@parentingplaygroups.com

Mealtime Struggles

Dear Dr. Rene,
Our three and half year old daughter has started to struggle over mealtimes. She is becoming extremely picky. She will not try new foods and refuses to eat dinner with us at the table.
What next?
Sincerely,
Ginny, Mother of One



Dear Ginny,
Struggles over food are another matter all together. The folks who write about food intake say it shouldn't overlap with discipline so all the ideas about appraoching power struggles with choices and consequences don't apply. The good thing is the experts tend to agree on a few guidelines to address pickiness.

The overarching guideline is parents are in charge of what is offered, children are in charge of what and how much of that they eat. This means you provide a healthy wide range of choices at regular times and let them decide what and how much to eat once they've sat down to eat. Following these guidelines they don't have to try new foods. It is simply your job to provide a wide range of healthy choices. Keep foods in rotation. Even if they don't like broccoli and claim they won't ever eat it, if it is out of rotation it is not available to try. There is a great deal more detail about these and other guidelines in How to Get Your Kids to Eat But Not Too Much by Satter.

Not sitting at the table to eat is along the lines of behavior rather than food intake so fair game in the realm of discipline to curb behaviors. This might be contribution such as having her make place cards and choose where everyone sits. This might be choices of where to sit or consequences of having to sit in the booster seat or eat when others are done.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
blog@parentingplaygroups.com

Struggles with Three Year Old

Dear Dr. Rene,
Our three and a half year old daughter is very strong willed - a trait I share - which leads to a variety of difficulties. We are having particular issues over clothing and bathtime. She wants the same outfit everyday, refuses to take baths. I have tried offering choices and compromises but every option is met with a complete meltdown. We are at a loss about what to do as she is otherwise a sweet little girl.
Thank you,
Ginny, Mother of One



Dear Ginny,
These are common stages for show-downs with young children. Getting dressed in the morning, getting ready for bath or bed are often cited by parents as tough times of the day. Thankfully, there are several techniques to approach and help soften the struggle.



On the rare day that getting dressed or getting in the bath goes smoothly, gush a little. Notice her good behaviors, describe back to her what she did. Be sure this is behavior specific, somthing like "Wow, you got dressed all by yourself. That was helpful."



Setting clear boundaries means letting them know up front your expectation and ways to be successful before the behavior happens again. If these are daily battles, there is no reason to wait for it to blow up. Be proactive, get in front of the behaviors. Talk her through before she starts to get dressed tomorrow.



If that doesn't work and you find yourself in a stuggle it is good to think choices and contribution. Direct choices about where to get dressed or which piece of clothing to start with can be helpful. Contribution is giving her job through the struggle. This would be making her the sweater selecter for the family or the sock matcher. Best to be a job related to the task.



If all that fails, you might fall back on consequences. Consequences are best if they match your child's behavior. This means keeping the behavior in mind while developing your response. Matching in content is the hardest but in this case might be her having to get dressed alone or you picking the outfit.



There is a good book titled Kids, Parents and Power Struggles that breaks down the dynamics and walks through these steps in a more detailed way. Hang in there, strong willed may be a trait that serves her well in the long run.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
blog@parentingplaygroups.com

3 Year Old Saying No to Everything

Dear Dr. Rene,
Help! My three year old daughter is saying "no" to everything. It has gotten to the point that when I say "time to get dressed," she replies, "no, not time to get dressed!" She takes whatever I've said and negates it. This is exhausting me.
Sincerely, Jill
Mother of two, ages 3 years and 10 months

Dear Jill,
I know this is a struggle but it is likely coming from a good place. Two and three year olds often go through a phase of saying "no" all day long and wanting the opposite of whatever a parent suggests. This is part of developing a sense of self. They are learning an assertive voice, how to state opinions and their impact on those around them.

That said, there is clearly a need to address this. there are several small things that may be helpful. A little validation can go a long way. This would mean saying, "I know you don't want to get dressed right now," or "I know you are very busy playing, it is hard to stop to get dressed." This gives the child a cushion, a little understanding. You are recognizing her point of view and may lessen the push to argue.

You might offer choices, "Hey, do you want to get dressed on the bed or the floor?" "Do you want to put on your shirt or your skirt first?" Choices allow the child some power, they are more flexible and open. They are also underrated, especially with the under six crowd.

Distraction and humor can also be life savers here. If you can make light, everyone may be better able to move on.

I hope this helps.
Sincerely, Dr. Rene

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Competitive Sports?

Dear Dr. Rene,
What are your thoughts on organized sports starting for kids as early as 4 years old? My kids seem to enjoy it most of the time but have a hard time with the competition and have difficulty understanding the rules. Am I setting them up for failure starting too early?
From Confused!
Mother of two, ages 4 and 6 years old

Dear Confused,
General consensus is organized sports and classes should be about exposure and learning the rules of the game for children under 6 years old. It is about learning how to catch and throw a ball, the language of the sport and being on a team. It seems best to wait and start keeping score as children are a bit older and able to manage it.

Many children under 6 years old struggle with competition and should be introduced to this gradually. Think about introducing the concept of copetition thru small games like tic-tac-toe, hullabaloo or rock-paper-scissors. These games take just a few seconds to win or lose. Work your way up to longer board games and organized sports. The whole time you are playing games talk about what it means to be a good winner or good loser. Suggest and model things people can say to others when they win or lose. Practice being a good sport.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene