Tantrums at School

Dear Dr. Rene,
I am a mother of 4 and expecting a 5th. Our second to youngest child is throwing really bad tantrums in school. These tantrums are out of control and disrupt the entire class. The school is talking about suspension because this is interrupting the whole K, 1st and 2nd grade hallway. I have tried everything I can think of from taking away special toys and explaining she has a choice to throw a tantum. I thought by 6 years old she would not be having these tantrums but they still seem to be problematic.
Please help.
Sincerely,
Andrea, Mother of Five

Dear Andrea,
This is a difficult situation all the way around. There are a few things to do at home and a few things to do at school that may be helpful. I would ask if there is a space provided for children to be alone, to calm down and regain themselves that is also safe. This might be a quiet corner of the classroom or the waiting area of the nurse's office. It would be best if this is away from the other children and somewhere she can take herself. There is a preschool near us that has a small house filled with beanbags and pillows. When children feel overwhelmed and angry they are invited in to help themselves settle. This works by removing the audience and and social reinforcement as well as provding a calming setting. It is hard to stay mad when you are lounging on bean bags.

A thing to do at school and at home is to focus on teaching emotions language, better ways to express and ways to calm. These are things that are helpful to most children in overcoming tantrums, take a long time to learn and best if reinforced at home and school. it is best to teach these things out of the moment, when all are calm. If you wait and try to teach these things when children are emotional and overwhelmed, they are not in a good place to learn.

Likely it is best to avoid disciplining behaviors that happen hours earlier in school. If it is a big enough behavior that you were made aware of, the child was already disciplined at school. If it is several hours later, the child may not connect those things well. I am not saying just let it go but rather focus heavily on coaching the new behavior. Talk to your child about the thing that happened at school, brainstorm better options, together find ways for the child to make amends and do better the next day.

With tantrums, it can be helpful to lean about "charting a behavior," in this case it is focusing on triggers (what sets a child off) and cue behaviors (signs they are about to tantrum). This would have to be in the school setting, so by the teacher or guidance counselor. it would mean a bit of observation time and record keeping but would provide helpful information so the school can be more prepared to manage the upset.

There is a full discussion of these ideas on our http://www.askdrrene.com/ website, in the recorded workshop on manageing tantrums. There is also a good book titled No More Meltdowns, which is good about managing tantrums in school age children.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/

Preventing Tantrums

The best way to manage tantrums is to prevent them. Here are several tips to prevent the next meltdown.

• Teach Emotion Language - The more emotion language children have, the less they need to tantrum. The idea is the language can replace to behaviors. If children are able to vent their emotions, they are less likely to boil over. Teach emotion language by labeling and discussing emotions as they happen (yours, theirs and others) and talk about emotions in children's story books.
• Teach Ways to Calm - Think of teaching them to count or breath when they are angry. Teach them to take a few second before responding when they are angry (this takes a great deal of effort to teach).
• Teach Ways to Express - Tantrums are emotions on overload. Teach them ways to express negative emotions such as stomping feet, blowing out hard, shaking hands, hugging themselves hard, running or raising voices. it's not that one way is better than another just really think about ways that you are okay with before you teach.
• Look for Triggers - Triggers are what typically sets your child off. if you can figure the triggers you can fix or avoid them. You can teach your child how to best manage them. At the very least, you can see them coming.
• Rest and Food - If their triggers are being tired or hungry, that is on you. Get them more rest, feed them more often.
• Look for Cues - Cues are the signs your child is on the edge. My younger daughter always got fidgety before she threw herself on the floor in tantrum mode. That fidgetiness was my red flag to jump in with empathy, positive intent or choices.
• Give Downtime, Avoid Overscheduling - With such busy schedules, this is a common cause for children to meltdown. If your child is tantrumming often, check how much is required of them throughout the day. Be sure they are having real downtime, playtime where nothing is organized or required.

Our next workshop on Managing Tantrums is happening Thursday October 22nd from 7:00-9:00pm at the Falls Church office. To register for this and other evening workshops visit http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?t=lkzpbadab.0.0.n89o4ybab.0&ts=S0421&p=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.parentingplaygroups.com%2Fparentworkshops.htm&id=preview

Forced Apologies

Dear Dr. Hackney,

When my child does something that upsets or hurts another child, I want him to apologize. He may apologize but often is resistant, and it ends up in a big argument between us. How can we instill a sense of empathy for others and encourage apologies?

Sincerely,
Anna, mother of two
Ages three and four years old

Dear Anna,

What you are describing is a forced apology. If you are a parent who suggests to your child that they apologize and then they do, that is not forced. Forced apologies happen in one of two ways. Either the child is angry and resists having to apologize or the child is embarrassed and hesitant to apologize. In both cases, the child’s own negative emotions often get in the way of developing a sense of empathy.

If your child is angry and not feeling sorry about what happened and you force the apology, the result is predictable. Your angry child likely will storm over to the other, bark “SORRY!” and leave abruptly. Rather than teaching your child to feel empathy, this situation seems to provoke feelings in the opposite direction. Your child may actually resent the other child more for his role in this interaction. Your child also learns that saying sorry, even if he doesn’t mean it, is enough to fix a wrongdoing.

If your child is embarrassed by the idea of having to apologize but is forced to do so, the result differs but is just as predictable. With a push, your child may slowly approach the other child and then quietly say “sorry,” while fighting back tears. Empathy requires the child to focus on the thoughts and feeling of another. When a child is embarrassed, he is thinking mostly of himself which inhibits the development of empathy.

Rather than force an apology from an angry or embarrassed child, you will have more success building a sense of empathy and teaching the language of sincere apologies through modeling. In the case of anger, take your child with you and say something like, “I am so sorry he did that. I would like to make it better.” Here, the parent is speaking for himself. The parent is sorry, the child is not.

In the case of embarrassment, take your child with you and say something like, “He is so sorry. He would like to make it better.” The child actually is sorry, just reluctant to address it. Your child will have the benefit of hearing a sincere apology and optimally will be able to focus on the feelings of the other child rather than his own.

On the opposite end of this continuum, some children readily apologize just to be finished with the conflict. I have heard my own seven year-old saying, “Sorry, sorry, please don’t tell mom, sorry!” while reaching to take a toy out of her sister’s hand. Here, a way to shape true apologies is to teach children to feel it, say it and fix it. This requires teaching children to focus on their feelings of remorse and recognizing when they should apologize. It often requires modeling the language of sincere apologies. This idea adds the idea of then teaching children to take some action or make some amends.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
Parenting Playgroups, Inc.